Original subtitles

Oh, no. What a drag.

Shh.

Your father's trying to unwind.

Well, why can't he go to the movies and unwind?

Because all that noise and violence reminds him of home.

And he's trying to pretend he's not at home.

Well, if he went there, he wouldn't have to pretend, would he?

This is your father's house. And if he wants to spend the night in pretending

that he's out, that's his business.

Mummy, where's the goldfish food?

Shh. Your father's at the Albert Hall.

Ask me during the interval.

Perhaps you'd like me to bring the ice cream down.

That's beautiful, isn't that lovely?

Makes a man forget all his problems. Although he's awake.

My problems are back.

Where are you going?

I'm going to bed.

What are you going to bed for? It's only half past ten.

I'm going to bed to worry.

I'm going to lie there and fret about my responsibilities.

How I'm going to pay my bills, my wife's security, my daughter's future, my son

who hasn't got one.

Ben, I keep telling you that one day Mike's going to be a great sculptor.

That's funny.

One day, every house in the country is going to have something in it with my

hallmark on it. The only thing they'll have with your hallmark on it will be

their daughters.

Have you forgotten what it's like to be young and virile?

When I was your age, matey, I had every bird in the district dangling on my

string. When you were his age, Sid, you were married to me.

It's true.

And I had you dangling on my string.

I'm very nice at work, too.

Mummy, I think the goldfish has got a headache or something. He's swimming

around very slowly.

That's surprising, isn't it? I mean, with the central heating pulled on, he's

being brought slowly to the boil.

Leave him in the kitchen tonight, Sally. He'll be company for the budgie.

Yes, all right. Come on.

Come on, son. Here we go.

Come on.

There you go.

Right. The vulture can stay in here as well.

Spent the whole night last night listening to him cracking his peanuts.

Look at you, you flat -nosed... Look who's talking.

Sid, I think I'll go to bed as well.

Don't forget to lock the back door, Sal. Good night. Bye, Mummy.

Hey, Sal.

Do you get the impression that Dad's all screwed up about something?

No. He's just got a very worried face.

I think Mother Nature crumpled Daddy's face up, threw it away, and then decided

to use it again.

You're rotting the curtains.

I'm thinking.

Well, why don't you lie down to think?

Because my pipe would empty itself all over my face.

Then put it out.

Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere.

Would you mind stopping the chatter? I'm trying to think.

Bus fares have gone up again.

It'd be cheaper to buy a bus.

You never go bye -bye.

No, but you do, and Sally does, and Mike does.

Cost me £1 .50 a day just to keep you lot mobile.

Then we'll stay in.

Still got to buy your clothes, haven't I?

We won't wear any.

And if your next complaint is the mortgage, don't worry.

We'll live in a tree in the garden.

All you'll have to do is throw us the odd banana.

Have you seen the price of bananas?

Stop it. I want to go to sleep.

It's all right.

Oh, what is it now?

Plums are up again.

I'm not actually worried about plums.

I don't actually like plums.

Plums are actually my least favourite thing.

So pity that.

Well, I was just wondering what to do with my afterlife and I thought it might

be nice to come back as a plump.

Are you sure that cup of cocoa wasn't whiskey?

Well, it's so uncomplicated being a plump.

I mean, you just lie in a little dish and people pour custard all over you.

Well, if it'll make you happy, darling, we'll spend the whole day tomorrow

pouring custard over you.

There's no forms to fill in, no strikes, no traffic jams, no income tax.

Just custard.

Did you hear that?

What?

That sort of banging downstairs.

It's that bloody Cedric. He deliberately sets out to keep me awake.

There it is again.

Oh, Sid, it's the burglar. It's all right. Michael can sort it out.

You know Mike can't stand physical violence.

Remember when he wanted to wear an earring? He couldn't face having his ear

pierced.

Ring the police.

Ring the police? What for?

To tell them there's a man breaking in.

You don't need the police.

I'll go down. You don't have to worry about it. Oh, see, don't leave me alone.

No, see, don't leave. He might have a gun. It's all right.

Or a dagger.

It's all right. I've got sort of that. Don't worry.

Just leave the whole thing to me.

Come with me.

Now, take it easy.

If he starts shooting, lie on the floor.

Sid. What?

What if he's a sex maniac?

Then don't lie on the floor.

You ready?

We're coming in!

Very brave.

He tackled him single -handed.

I had to do it single -handed. I needed the other one to fend you off.

Mike, put the phone back. Somebody might be trying to get through.

Are you all right, darling? He didn't hurt you.

The only damage I suffered from you and this bleeding thing.

Don't worry.

I'll sort him out.

Oh, Mike, be careful.

Mum, cool it. The worst thing that can happen is there's another human being in

there.

He said to stay away from there.

Stay away from there?

Who the hell does he think he is? This is my house.

Roy! What?

Evening.

Got everything you want? Yes.

Mummy, my goldfish is in there and he's not well.

Oh, calm down, darling.

Leave it all to your father. And the budgie. And the parrot. All right, all

right. Just leave the whole thing to me.

Don't worry about it.

Can I have a word with you, please?

What?

Well, it's about our animals, you see.

We've got an assortment in here.

There's the little budgie, that's Joey, and that scruffy -looking sort of

parrot, that's Cedric.

And then there's the little dollfish.

You know what we call him?

No. Jaws.

I mean, we're very fond of them, you see, and they're not much use to you,

they, really?

I might get hungry.

That's a good point.

He might get hungry.

There's a trifle in the fridge.

I don't like trifle.

Neither do I. She never sticks enough booze in it, you see.

Have you really thought about it? You know, I mean, parrots, budgies and

goldfish. They're messy things to eat.

I mean, you've got to pluck them and fillet them. I said no!

Don't you shout at my daddy like that. Just because he's old and weak.

That's right. You can make as many threats as you like. My sister's not

of you.

Don't move!

Now, listen, all of you.

I need a place to stay.

I need a place to think.

And as far as I'm concerned, this is as good a place as any.

It's like a bloody punch and judy show.

Go and get the police.

And we'll all sit down quietly while he has his think.

I said don't move!

milk in. Yes, well, we have breakfast very early, you see, and the milkman

brings them out before.

Is this yours?

Oh, yes. Yes, he's mine.

She's very fond of him. He follows her everywhere.

Thank you very much. I knew you were a kind man. People with cruel faces

have kind hearts, don't they? Ah, no, no, no, no. He's mine. He's my hostage.

Hostage? Yes.

And if any one of you makes a forced move, he goes down the sink.

Oh, my God. He's hijacked the kitchen.

What's that?

Water.

Water? And that's all you're getting?

He's potty, you know that?

One cup of water between us for breakfast.

Bloody chief.

Don't upset him, Daddy. He'll murder my goldfish.

Don't upset me. He's a criminal.

God knows what else he's done.

There's probably dozens of little old ladies lying battered out there on the

lawn.

Well, at least Bedrick's all right.

Fine investment he turned out to be. I bought him instead of a burglar alarm.

He's a parrot, not an Alsatian.

Oi, Kojak.

Hmm?

Where's your breakfast?

Breakfast?

That's right.

Is that all?

Well, it's a bit difficult. You see, we've got this burglar in the kitchen.

I can't exist on water. I need eggs and bacon.

You don't keep your big mouth shut, he'll be serving us egg and parrot.

My goldfish will be the first to go. I know he will.

It's the smallest and the weakest.

Sid, what if he decides to kill us?

Then you'll be the first to go, won't you?

I'm hungry, Daddy.

Here you are, darling. You have the rest of the water. Thank you.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Excuse me.

What?

Do you think we might at least have a crust?

There's no bread left.

Oh.

Yeah, I might.

Is my goldfish all right?

I'm a man of my word. Thank you.

Now, leave me alone. I want to think.

Look, could we at least get dressed?

Our clothes are only in the bedroom.

I told you, if anybody leaves that room, this goes down the sink.

Yes, thank you very much.

I'm telling you, Simon, you be very careful with him. We don't call him

for nothing. You'll have your arm off.

Oh, Sid!

You can't just sit there and let this man terrorise us. What can I do? You

what he said. One false move, he said.

Then don't make a false move.

Bash the door down.

She's right.

Your mother's right, Sal. I've got to do it.

Sorry. Here we go.

Sal? Yes, Daddy?

Sal?

Stop to think about the truth, you know, the truth about your goldfish, I mean.

You're not going to criticise him, are you?

Oh,

we're a flum, you know.

He's only a fish, isn't he? I mean, a teeny -weeny little fish.

What's that got to do with it? He's still got a body and a heart and a

Yes, but, I mean, well, for instance, he's not like a dog, is he? I mean, if

was holding a dog hostage, that would be much more tragic, wouldn't it?

I don't see why.

He couldn't shove a dog down the sink, could he?

Now, what I mean is this. A dog or any other animal is capable of feeling fear

and pain.

How do you know what my goldfish feels?

Well, it's a well -known fact, you see. I mean, he hasn't got the intelligence

to feel anything. I mean, he hasn't got the mind of a dog.

Are you saying he's inferior?

Well, I'd like to see a dog stay underwater as long as my goldfish.

That's quite true, yes.

But he doesn't go for walkies with you, does he? I mean, he doesn't bark when he

sees you or wag his tail or fetch the ball?

He's always there, waiting for me. Only because he can't get out!

Go on, then. Batch the door down.

We can't put animals before human beings, darling.

Right, Sal. What you've got to realise is that... Yeah, nothing's quite right.

I mean, after all, we are human beings.

Well, some of us are.

All right, then. I suppose he's got to die sometime.

Go on, Sid. Yeah, go on, Dutch.

Aha! I heard you.

He's like a bloody cuckoo clock.

You was going to bash the door down.

Oh, don't be silly. We're too weak to bash anything down.

That's it. It's over.

What do you mean it's over?

I'm a man of my word. Daddy, my goldfish!

What shall I do, Sid?

Keep him talking.

I don't want to listen.

Look, he's done you no harm. I mean, he's done nothing to you. It's nothing

do with him. It's you. It's you lot. You done it.

But if you leave him alone, we'll be your friends.

Yeah, we'll even come and visit you in prison.

Come on, Dad.

Hurry up.

Is he all right? I think he's fainted.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, look at him there, galloping about all over the place.

What's that sound? I don't know. Come on.

Mummy, I've never heard a man crying before.

They don't do it as well as we do, do they?

Daddy?

Where's that fellow? He's crying, the fish. He's swimming about.

He's in the kitchen and he's crying.

He's not fooling me with that.

Why not? Mum always does.

Oh, sorry, mate. I've had enough of this.

Oi!

Oi!

How dare you come crushing into this house of ours? We're a peaceful,

hard -working family, and people like you ought to be stuck in jail.

Would you like a cup of tea?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry's not enough.

Sorry's just not enough.

He needn't think saying sorry's going to sway me.

I'm just sorry.

Yeah, well, come on, son. Come with me.

Yes, all right. He's upstairs swimming about in a bloody vase.

There we are.

Now then, would you like to talk?

Well, I was out walking and worrying, and I saw your window open and something

just snapped.

Yes, I know. I know exactly what you mean. I've got a few worries myself.

What is it that's bothering you exactly?

Oh, everything.

Society, inflation, survival.

The pressures of life.

Yes. Traffic jams, supermarkets.

Parents. The world has gone mad.

I mean, I used to weigh 12 .3, but now I weigh 77 .5466

kilograms.

I was 5 .11. Now I'm 1 .7688 meters.

And the time is not half past nine. It's 9 .30 hundred hours.

Yes.

And plums have gone up, too.

sticky little price tags. They put them on everything. Look.

Yeah, it's stupid, isn't it? I eat one of those with my apple every morning.

I've got two sons.

I'm luckier than you. I've only got one.

They wear bracelets and grow their own pot in the attic.

Shut up.

I used to have a nice little house.

Now I've got one of those silly little boxes, number 93 on the left, opposite

the all -night washing.

Oh.

Humble dryers.

All right, now, take it easy. Take it easy.

Yeah, calm down.

All this neurosis is in the mind.

You've got to keep your mind under control.

Have a word with your mind.

You had a word with yours, and what happened?

It packed its bag and left.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Michael.

I am going to turn my back, and you're going to walk straight out of that front

door. You mean you're not going to call the police? Oh, of course I'm not going

to call the police. Now, you go straight home and sort out your troubles.

Do what I do. Have a good moan, smoke your pipe in bed.

I don't know what to say to you. You don't have to say anything. And if you

any trouble with your missus, tell her you spent the night with Sid. Come on.

There you go.

Thanks. Oh, that's all right. It's been a pleasure. Nice of you to come.

And remember, nice and easy.

And if you feel tense, just take all your clothes off.

That's a good idea.

That's it. Take all your clothes off.

Relax. And grab the first bird you fancy.

Oh, thank you.

Go on, off you go then.

You can see yourself out, can't you? Thank you very much.

Ta -ra.

Jane!

It's all right, she's gone.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

I understand that, Felicity.

We've got a lot in common, haven't we?

The only one who was at talks and good advice.

He's not a criminal. He's just a worried man like me.

Right.

Of course, he could be a nutter. Oh, yeah, that's typical of you, isn't it?

Anybody who takes life seriously is a nutter.

It's fellas like him and me, the deep -thinking men of this world, who keep

country afloat.

Daddy!

Daddy! What?

Mummy just went outside to get the milk in. Yeah? And that man was out there.

What's he doing?

He's chasing Mummy round the garden.

Daddy!

What's he did?

He's...

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