All language subtitles for Bless This House s06e06 Something Of Value

How's your bottom seat?

The swelling's gone down, but I've still
got to sit on one cheek.

what a wasp was doing in the wardrobe at
this time of year.

I do. He was having a kip in my
trousers.

Well, you must have provoked him.

I simply put my left leg down one side,
the right leg down the other, pulled up

the zip, and... Why don't you go out for
a nice long walk or something?

Blow the cobwebs away.

I haven't got any cobwebs.

You will have if you sit there much
longer.

There she is, Moby Dick.

the zoo.

Oh, that'll be nice, Betty. We used to
go there when we were courting. We often

used to sit on the grass and share a
packet of monkey nuts.

I'm very sorry, but we've run clean out
of monkey nuts.

We could sell you a couple of bananas.

See, we were thinking of taking
sandwiches.

Bread. But we've run out of bread.

Oh, we've got plenty.

Don't worry.

I didn't know Trevor was keen on
animals. Oh, yes, he used to keep a pet

before he married me.

That was a fair swap.

Pardon? Nothing, nothing.

Trevor was telling me that some people
get so keen on their pets that when they

die, they have them stuffed.

That's what my family's going to do with
me.

Well, the way you move about, nobody'd
notice the difference.

Well, I must be off.

Must you?

Well, if there is a spare cup going...
No, no, don't keep the monkeys waiting.

Isn't it romantic?

What, you and me alone in the kitchen?

No.

Betty and Trevor revisiting the place
they did their courting.

What is romantic about the two of them
standing there chewing nuts in front of

cage full of monkeys all scratching each
other?

You have no heart.

Morning. Morning, dear. Would you like a
cup of tea?

Yes, please, Mummy.

I thought I'd take Betty's baby out for
a walk. Oh, she just popped in. They've

all gone to the zoo.

Yep. They're going to stand there eating
monkey nut sandwiches in front of their

relations.

That is not coming.

You're dead right. Just imagine how
those poor monkeys must feel.

Oh, answer that, would you, dear?

Answer what?

The telephone.

It's probably a wrong number.

You'll never know unless you pick it up.
All right, all right.

Oh, no.

He's not very energetic this morning, is
he?

If he gets much slower, he'll take root.

Well, he's managed to lift the phone.

So long as it doesn't sprain his wrist.

Wrong number.

I got the post here. No gas.

That's yours.

Thank you.

Electricity bill. That's yours.

Thank you.

Hello. What's this?

Gluckstein and O 'Reilly.

Solicitors.

Yes, sir.

Please call round at this office at your
earliest convenience.

How about that?

How about what?

Old Uncle Percy snuffed it.

Old Uncle Percy?

My Uncle Percy. My dad's eldest brother.

Oh, that is old.

Is that the Uncle Percy who was so tight
with money? That's it. Sent us a tin

toast rack for when we got married.

With Cardoma Cafe stamped on it. That's
it, yeah. And two pieces of toast still

stuck in it.

He left you some money, then?

Well, that's all right. He never spent
any. He must have left it to someone.

How much do you think it'll be?

Well, I don't know, but every little bit
helps. Good old Uncle Purse.

Well, Blimey, they wouldn't want any
long faces.

He had a lovely sense of humour, the old
boy.

What was he like?

Well, he had a wooden leg and a parrot,
and he used to write poetry.

And he was mad about Treasure Island.

He must have read it to me 48 times.

He used to walk around dressed like Long
John Silver, even had his picture taken

like that as a Christmas card, and sent
it to everybody for Christmas.

He sounds nice.

He was potty.

How did he die?

He was here after an accident.

I hope it wasn't his usual accident.

What was that?

Well, as soon as he'd had a few, he'd
start staggering about, slipping off his

wooden legs.

How old was he?

Ninety -three.

Oh, well, he had a good run.

Yeah. Mind you, he knew what it was to
suffer.

Poor old man. Yeah, he had woodworm
twice.

Uncle Percy.

So, while you're out, get some lovely
flowers, will you, Donna?

For the funeral?

No, no, for your mother. She's upset.

So what happened then?

Well, that's about it. He phoned the
solicitor and then dashed out.

Would you like a snack while we're
waiting for your father? Please, Mummy.

yes, I'd quite like some caviar on toast
and a glass of champagne.

Right, that's two teas and a couple of
cheese sandwiches.

Thanks a lot.

Mike! Yeah? Give me a hand with the
ladder.

What? The ladder.

The ladder to get up into the attic.

Well, why do you want to get up into the
attic?

You remember I told you about Uncle
Percy and Treasure Island? Yes. And that

Christmas card of him dressed as Long
John Silver?

It's all in the will, and I've got a
copy here.

Here we go.

Although I had a wooden leg, it never
stopped me pleasures.

They used to call me Long John Silver.

And I've had some little treasures.

And now that I am at the end of the
plank that they call life, one thing I'm

bloody pleased about, I never had a
wife.

That's poetry?

Yeah, Percy wasn't so mad after all, was
he?

Well, I told you I had a great sense of
humour, didn't I? That's not all,

listen.

And now I feel the end is near, see how
my candle flickers, but I don't give a

monkey's nut, I shout farewell and
knickers.

Yes. After that, his writing gets a bit
blurred.

Just as well.

Now, hang on.

This is the important bit.

Therefore, having no other relatives, if
my favourite nephew, Sidney Abbott,

produces the aforesaid photograph of
meself, then for such an act of faith,

shall be amply rewarded.

Oh, see!

Come on, come on, come on. Yeah, see
that? And that photograph is up in my

album in the attic. Are you sure?

One hundred percent. Come on, Martin.
Oh! Right.

Come on, up here.

How did he die then?

Well, he was hopping after a bus. The
bus stopped suddenly and he went smack

into the back of it.

And he was only going three stops.

You certainly have collected a load of
old rubbish in your time.

This is not a load of old rubbish. This
is part of our heritage.

One day all this will be yours.

I can't wait.

That's it.

There we are.

Sidney Abbott.

Sidney Abbott, Class 4, Scrags Road,
Modern.

I thought you said you went to grammar
school.

I said I almost went to grammar school.

Well, you wouldn't have got there on
your spelling.

Why not? What do you mean?

There's no K in school.

Oh, no, no, no. That's speed writing.

It's all right. It's all right.

It's just a knobbly knees contest.

Hang on a minute. Let me get this.

Hold that.

Oh, Steve, look.

Look.

There's a picture of you in your shirt.

Yeah, I just finished the high jump.

You don't look very pleased about it.
No, well, I only got one leg over.

That's my dad.

It's not funny. It was very painful.

Now, I suppose it's got to be in there
somewhere. Wait a minute.

Hang on.

It's missing.

How can it be missing?

What do you mean it's missing? It's
missing. That's where it should be.

There.

Where did you pick it up? Over here.
Well, it must have fallen out while you

were looking for it. Come on, now. Hold
that, darling, will you?

Why, will you put your feet... Are you
sure you found it round here? I'm

positive, Daddy. It was right next to
this conker.

God, blimey.

That's Billy Baxter's conker.

Well, I'm sure he won't miss it after
all these years.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

That's what happened to the photograph.

Well, what's it got to do with Billy
Baxter?

Well, he was also raving mad about
Treasure Island, so I swapped Uncle

his conker. Where does he live?

That was over 40 years ago.

If you put your mind to it, I'm sure you
can find him. I know where to find him.

Where? Plot 37, Wandsworth Cemetery.

Well, look, can't you explain to the
solicitor that you swapped it, but you

very young at the time and you'll never
do it again.

Don't go on.

I'm sorry, sir. I mean, I'm only trying
to help. I know you are, but there's

nothing we can do.

Hang on. I've got it. What?

Well, you borrow my camera. Yeah. You
take a photograph of nothing. Yeah.

Whistle it round to the solicitor.

And you tell him your uncle was on it,
but it's fading.

I suppose you

haven't got any other uncles who dress
up, have you?

God forbid.

Well, hang on. Yeah?

There's a fella at work. He dresses up.
Does he?

Yeah, but he's different.

Oh, but he is.

No, no, I mean he's in the amateur
dramatics.

How very uninteresting.

But he could help you, Sid. I mean, he's
always doing a Pirates of Penzance.

I mean, God blimey, he does them Witson
and Easter and Christmas. Wait a minute.

Pirates of Penzance?

Yeah. I mean, when you've seen one
pirate, you've seen them all, haven't

I love you.

Sid, there are times where you, without
any sense at all, without even thinking,

quite unconsciously, you make sense.

What have I said? Nothing. Bring it up,
quick.

Come on.

No, sweetheart, that's naughty.

No, no, stop nibbling at my ear.

All right, now, don't think. You just
sit still while your uncle Sidney hangs

his trousers.

And if you're good, you get a lovely
surprise.

No, I'll never do it.

Perhaps it's because I'm here watching,
Sidney. Could be. It's always the first

time. All right, I'll tell you what,
Sidney. We'll have a go with you sitting

the chair.

No, I don't think it'll work, Sidney.

I mean, I tried it with Betty once.

It was a funny angle.

Just lean back.

Don't breathe so heavy.

Not you, darling. No, Trevor.

All right, now, let's get it over. Come
on, Jean, I'll go really mad if she

finds I've got a bird up here in the
bedroom.

Well, I think it's dishonest dressing up
as a pirate.

Well, what's dishonest about it? It's
only a photograph.

It's very good of Daddy to go to all
that trouble.

After all, he is thinking of us. Well, I
hope Uncle Percy thinks so.

Here he is.

It worked!

Well done, Daddy!

This silly old lady didn't even notice
it was her wrong leg.

Sid, how much will we get? Hang on, hang
on. Are we very rich?

Well, it depends.

He didn't actually leave us any cash,
but he left us these most treasured

possessions.

Two dozen tin toast racks.

Could be anything. Gold, silver.

Oil paintings.

Listen to this.

And to my favourite nephew, Sidney
Abbott, the contents of the two large

cases and a small parcel.

That can't be bad, can it?

That's him. That must be that.

Morning.

Morning, Mr Abbott. That's it. Sign
here, please.

One large packing case.

Small bucket case.

One small parcel.

Hang on, mate.

Here we are.

A pilot.

For you.

Thank you very much.

Pleasure. Bloomin' heavy, they are and
all. They're heavy?

The kangaroo ain't bad, but the monkey's
murder!

Aren't you getting tired of holding that
bloody tree up?

It's no good you begging, mate. You're
getting nothing.

Sid, I still can't believe it.

You can't believe it?

Come and have another look.

Why couldn't you leave them in the cases
and put them in the garage?

Because of the pirate's curse.

What pirate's curse?

The one that was round a kangaroo's
neck.

would he want to put a curse on them? In
case they fall into the wrong hands.

Well, I think the whole thing's silly.
Silly or not, I'm not going against this

curse. I'll read it to you again.

Now, you listen to this.

If these my pets are stored away and end
up with their mice, the perpetrator of

this deed will pay a dreadful price.

Not only will his hair fall out and all
his teeth go black, his knees are

knocked together and he'll find he's
lost a neck.

that to happen to me. Thank you very
much.

A monkey, a kangaroo and a pigeon.

It's not my fault, is it?

What happened to all the gold coins you
were talking about?

Well, he probably spent all his money on
some bird.

He was 93.

He could hop after a bus. He must have
had some energy.

Well, I know one thing.

Willie's. I keep thinking he's going to
jump on me.

How can he jump on you? He's been
stopped.

Well, close the door and then he can't
see me. Oh, God.

I'm doing my best to get rid of the
blubbing things. I've looked through

times. Well, you're not being very
successful, are you?

Hang on, hang on. Wait a minute.

There's a fellow here who wants a 22
-foot crocodile.

They must be getting warmer.

And how is the great white hunter?

Well, I don't know why we don't start
our own zoo.

I did, with you.

What's that?

Look what Cedric's done.

Oh, Cedric.

You dirty boy, come here.

Come on, get on there.

Keep away from Betty and her bleeding
relations.

How long are they going to be here? I've
already told your mother I'm doing my

best to get rid of the blooming thing.

I don't mind keeping the pigeons because
they've got a pretty face.

And my father used to keep them.

Yes, a lot of people keep pigeons.

I know, but how many people keep
monkeys?

Say!

Trevor.

Trevor.

Come in.

Trevor and Betty, they're always going
to the zoo.

Say! You mean we could... That's it,
that's it. Shh.

Yes, Trevor.

Come in, son.

Oh, don't you look well.

Nice to see you, sir.

Is he? Yes, nice to see him, isn't he?
Always.

Oh, yes, Trevor, always.

Sit down, have a drink.

No, thanks, Sid. It's a bit early for
me.

Well, of course it's a bit early for
him.

Would you like a cup of tea, Trevor?

Oh, yeah, I'd like a cup of tea. Well,
sit down and I'll make you one. Yeah,

make yourself comfy.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry to hear about your
disappointment, Sid. Yeah, well, that's

right.

Yeah, you're fond of animals, aren't
you?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, your lovely wife was round here
yesterday.

Told us that you used to have a pet
monkey.

Yeah.

Oh, he was a lovely little fella. Yes?
Yeah, he used to chase all round the

house. Go on.

Yeah, sometimes it used to take me a
couple of hours to catch him.

How do you fancy one that stands still?

You mean him? Yeah, me.

Yeah, well, I would say, but I've got
Betty now.

Well, there's no answer to that, is
there?

I wish I could help you out, Sid, but
we'll have to think of something else.

Yeah, we will, won't we?

How are we doing, Sid?

We're not.

Why don't you try swapping?

Don't talk to me about swapping.

I used to do that at school.

I never backed a winner.

I once swapped a...

Jar of tadpoles for a kiss.

It was shocking.

Wish I'd kept the tadpoles.

Listen, Steve.

Why don't you put them both back in the
box and stick them in the back garden

with a little sign saying, please take
one.

No, no, no. People think they're
catching it, you see.

People only take things when you don't
want them to take them.

I've got it.

What? We'll put them in the garden like
you said, stick a bloody great sign on

them saying, please do not take away.

Not take away?

And somebody will whoop them.

Wait a minute.

What about your Uncle Percy's curse?

Well, that's just it.

Wherever the animals go, the curse goes
with them.

So if we ever see a fellow walking
around... with no air and black

we'll know who's got them.

Well,

I hope they're having plenty of bright
ideas.

Trevor's not very good at thinking.

After about five minutes, his mind goes.

Jane!

They're home early.

Either they've put the clocks on or
they've been thrown out of the pub.

Our problem is over.

You found someone to buy them? Not
exactly, no.

Well, what are you going to do with
them? Never mind. Just leave it to us.

Now then.

You take the little one.

And I'll take Roll Parrot.

Now, mind what you do.

Oh,

there we are.

Come on.

Hello, Sid.

What you got there?

The missus.

Kangaroo and a monkey.

I only ask.

Quick.

Oh, very lovely scene.

You like it? Yeah.

Come on.

Have you seen your father?

Yes, that's why we came in the back way.
I was going to offer my help, but they

seem to be doing rather well.

Look, Simon.

I wouldn't do that again, see?

No, neither me.

What's going on?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Now, if you should wake up in the middle
of the night and hear funny noises in

the garden, just keep your noses out of
it.

and the monkey. They're gone.

You mean somebody stole them during the
night? Yes.

Well, you must ring the police.

No, we don't want to bring them into it.

What's going on?

Somebody stole the kangaroo and the
monkey.

So it worked?

Yes, of course it worked.

Stupid old twit, Uncle Percy.

Well, I'm glad we kept the pigeon
because you've got a pretty face.

What kind of pigeon is it?

I don't know.

Sid, what kind of pigeon is it? I've no
idea.

Well, perhaps he was one of the ones
that used to carry messages during the

Perhaps there's a message on this one.

It's a bit late. It nearly was over.

Well, have a look at it.

What does it say?

Hang on.

It's a message from Uncle Percy.

Well, what does it say? Well, hang on a
minute. It's very small. Just a minute.

Dear Sidney, the kangaroo is a treasure
trove, and if you've got the guts...

you'll find another thousand pounds
where the monkey stuffs its nuts.

I want the police.

We'll find her.

Police, I want to report a robbery.

Yeah, a kangaroo and a monkey.

Thank you.

No, no, he'll have no hair and black
choppers.

No, no, no.

No, not the monkey, the fella. The bloke
who took him.

Yeah. So, there's a curse on them, yeah.

But it would come down. Tell me, come
here.

Oh, there.

Got it.

You see my picture screwed away? Hey!

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. I don't
know what you're here for. I

don't know what you're here for.

Stop it.