Original subtitles

Yes, Daddy.

He should have been home ages ago.

He's calling in somewhere on his way back from work.

Ah, a couple of whiskies at the Heron Hounds. He'll come home in a good mood.

He's not at the Heron Hounds. He's gone to the doctor's. Why?

What's the matter with him?

With the price of whisky these days, he's probably trying to get it on

prescription.

What can a doctor do for a fellow in his condition?

He hasn't been looking his usual self for the last week, so I'm making him

a check -up. Oh, he hates going to the doctor's.

And he can't stand a medical examination.

I know, but it's for his own good.

The only thing he can do for his own good is have a body transplant.

Blasted doctor, what are you sending me there for? Two solid hours I was in that

plumbing waiting room.

What did he say, Sid?

Did he examine you, Danny?

He did.

Stripped stark as he had me.

I'll bet that cleared the surgery.

Didn't the doctor put his finger on anything specific?

Yeah, just before he told me to cough.

There's nothing wrong with me, he says.

Nothing at all.

I'm in the pinker condition. It's all in the mind, he says.

I don't believe you. You're not telling me the truth.

What is it, Daddy?

Come on, Dad. We can take it.

Just my age, he says. Stupid woman. Quack.

Your age? Yes.

What a cheek.

But you're still quite young.

You're still in the youth of your old age.

That's it.

That's happened one day, Dad. The change of life.

Oh, be quiet, Mike. Go on, Sid. Well, he said, now that I've reached my prime...

He said that?

Reached your prime?

Well, not exactly, but that's what he meant.

Well, go on.

I'm trying to, but you keep chipping in all of it.

So there's nothing wrong with you. You're just at a funny age.

There's nothing funny about my age.

But you're not saying anything specific, Sid.

Oh, bloody thing was a waste of time.

Even his bleeding stethoscope was freezing cold.

Well, is that all that's wrong, that you're not at a funny age?

Well, didn't he give you anything for it?

What could he possibly give a poor, broken -down old cart horse who's given

best years of his life to you, look?

Not even a tonic or something to pep you up? I don't need anything to pep me up.

There's nothing wrong with me. He just said I need an interest, a hobby of some

kind. Hobby? Yes.

And I understand they're stalkers, do hear that?

The doctor's right, Sid.

A man does need a hobby.

He needs an interest, something you can get your teeth into.

There's a tumbler in the bathroom.

Sorry, Daddy.

I was only trying to cheer you up. I don't need cheering up, and I don't need

hobby. Come on, Mum. Hurry up. Feed him. I want to borrow a couple of quid.

I'll get you dinner, darling. When you've eaten, you'll be in a better

then we can all decide.

Decide what?

Decide which hobby you're going to take up.

Let's see, Mike. What could he do?

He could collect car numbers.

That's it.

He could sit on the front doorstep with a little notebook.

You can have my stamp collection.

Or my collection of seashells. Don't be silly, you two.

A man of your father's intelligence and talents needs something creative and

taxing and interesting.

Thank you, Donna. It's very kind.

I'll teach you how to knit.

Knit?

Need the new pullover?

Long sleeves, please.

I could do with the new cardigan.

Oh, of course.

How's it going, Trevor?

Great. There you are.

There's your heater.

And there's your light.

See? Smashing, isn't it?

Complete topical fish aquarium.

Do you think he'll like it? Oh, yeah. He'll be dead chuffed with that.

You don't think the fish are a bit small, do you? No.

He's never caught any bigger than that.

I've got a book of instructions on all different kinds of fish and feeding and

care, and you can even breed them.

Oh, well.

That'll be a perfect hobby for Sid, then.

Won't make plenty of sex in it.

I'll nip off now, and then I'll come back later on and see if he likes it,

right? Bye, Trent.

Bye.

Where is he? Out somewhere.

Where did you put his desk?

In the hall.

Here's your fish food.

Do you think he'll like it?

I don't know.

Try putting some in his tea.

Go and keep an eye out for your father. He'll be here in a minute.

Oh, it's a lovely surprise, Mummy. I'm sure he'll be very pleased.

Isn't it marvellous the way all those kind of fish all live together?

Pity people can't do the same.

They probably would do if they all lived underwater in a little tank.

Oh,

Sally, go and stand over there.

Now, you keep very quiet, and when he comes in, we'll say, surprise, surprise.

He's taking a long time.

Do you think he's lost his key?

Yes, it's me.

Well, close your eyes.

What are you talking about?

Never mind, just close your eyes.

Oh, Blimey, all right.

Are they closed? Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I'm going to put the door on the latch, but you're not to come in until I

call you. What's going on here?

Never mind, and keep your eyes closed. Yes, all right.

Surprise, surprise!

All right,

Joey, shut up a minute. Close your beak.

All right, now, you lot, that's Cedric, that's Joey.

All right?

I want you all to remember we're one big happy family.

And if I catch either of you two diving in there for a quick fish supper, I

shall lock you in a tool shed with that bloody great ginger cat from next door.

Right.

How is it, Sid?

Oh, it's great.

Marvellous. Look at it. Like a tropical lagoon in there. You can almost hear the

surf pounding on the shore.

All he needs now is a bucket and spade.

Pardon?

I said what a lovely hobby it's made.

Oh, yes, lovely. It's great. I love it.

Now then, what's that little beauty there?

Oh, yes.

Now, that's a pterophyllum scolari.

A pterophyllum what?

An angelfish.

Oh, there's a pretty one, Daddy. What's that called?

That one?

Oh,

yeah, well, I knew that. That's a lobustes reticulatus.

Really? Yes. It says there it's called a guppy.

Yeah, well, that's just for ignorant twit amateurs who don't know the proper

name.

Look at that one on the bottom of the tank.

It hasn't moved at all.

Perhaps it's asleep.

Hang on.

Oh, yes. He spends most of his time motionless on the bottom of the tank,

the appearance of always being asleep.

And what's he called?

He's Kipper.

Courting? I hope not.

Why? They're both fellas. Cut that out, you two.

Oh, it's a good life, you know, Daddy. In the warm with all your family. No

problems. Free food.

Just floating around all day with nothing to do.

I wonder how it feels.

You know how it feels.

Stop breathing on the glass, please.

Oh, come on, Sally. Let's leave him to it.

Would you like a cup of coffee, darling?

No, then. What are you?

Amacaris cordimaculatus.

Meaning of name, with hooked condamodium.

With spot on cordal peduncle.

Poor little sod.

Now then, who are you?

Daddy?

Comes from eastern Mexico.

The main characteristics of... Aye, aye, aye. I told you to. Cut it out.

Can we go in yet, Mum?

When your father says it, it's all right.

Oh, come on. All we've heard about for weeks is fish, fish, fish.

It's very good for him to have an interest.

Well, a hobby's one thing, but an obsession is another.

He's forgotten we live here, Mummy.

Can I get you something, darling?

You see what I mean?

That's ridiculous.

If he carries on like this, he'll soon... You'd be taking him out for

Would you mind keeping quiet in there, please? You're disturbing my fish.

Thank you, Jacques Cousteau.

He can't keep us out of our own living room.

But don't disturb him.

Er, what?

Pseudoxyphophoros? The maculatus?

That's a mouthful, isn't it?

I tell you what, if I weren't you, I'd knock twice and shout Fred.

Shall we try?

Fred?

Well done, Fred.

Hey, hey.

What do you think you're doing?

I think I'm turning the television on. Well, just switch it off. We won't need

that any more.

What the hell is that?

This is going to be number one.

Not in here, is it?

You'll get my fish in a truck instead.

Of course it won't. They'll like it. They will not like it. They're swimmers,

not cowgirl dancers.

I can't see what you see in them.

Well, naturally, in your case, they'd have to be on a plate with some chips.

Don't do that!

It's all right, Fred. It wasn't me.

They say that pets grow to look like their owners, Mike.

I can see what they mean.

Look at that one.

Oh, yes.

Look at the bags under its eyes.

There you go. A push -off. Shove -off for two of you. What's this? What's the

thermometer for, Daddy?

It's to keep the water the proper temperature, 75 degrees.

Oh, it must be broken.

It says 55 degrees.

What?

Oh, no, somebody switched off the heater. Mind that.

Did you pull that plug out?

No. What's the matter, Sid? He's sabotaged him. He's pulled the plug out.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I pulled the plug out to stick the vacuum cleaner.

not being ridiculous.

Put that back in and switch it on.

It's a matter of life and death to them.

Well, blimey, look at this. It's only 55 degrees in here. They'll snuff it.

They'll die of frostbite.

Look at that poor little boy. Look at him down there.

No, look, he's turning blue already.

He was blue to start with.

Don't panic, Daddy.

Don't stand there. Do something.

Shall I ring the RSPCA?

No, no, no. Get along.

Oh, it's done already.

Well, go and boil it. Get some hot water.

Lots of hot water.

He's like a mad midwife.

You can't put hot... water in there, Daddy?

Of course I can. It's an emergency. I know what I'm doing. Come on, Jean. Give

me the hot water. What temperature is it?

I don't know. I couldn't get my elbow in the kettle.

It's got to be the right temperature.

I didn't find your father this morning. No, I didn't. But I'm sure it'll be all

right. He definitely agreed.

Yeah, we asked him a week ago.

Well, he didn't say anything to me about it. Well, it's all arranged.

Our friends are coming round at nine o 'clock this evening. It's all fixed.

And he said he'd take you out for the evening so that we could have the house

ourselves.

He didn't tell me we were going out.

We'll give you a pound to take him to the pictures.

We haven't got a pound.

We'll get it from Daddy.

Evening, all.

Hello, P. Hello, darling.

Have a good day.

Are the fish all right? Oh, they're fine. But I think they've missed you

Yeah. A few minutes ago, one of them popped his head over the top of the tank

and said, when's our kid coming home?

That must have been Fred.

Daddy, you haven't forgotten about tonight, have you?

Daddy! Let him look at his fish, darling. First things first.

Fred!

There's a good boy.

Dinner time.

Your dinner's ready, Sid.

It's in the oven. I don't want it to get shriveled up. Yeah, well, I want to

feed my fish first.

Oh, Sid, do that later.

It's not that important.

I'm getting a bit fed up with fish.

Yeah, all right, then.

All right, fellas, I'm going to have my dinner, then I'll give you yours.

What is it?

Sardines on toast.

Sardines on toast?

You don't think I've got...

You don't think I'm going to eat a little sardine on toast in front of his

mates?

Well, if you eat it in here, they won't see, will they?

Would you eat Joey on a piece of toast in front of Cedric?

All right, fellas.

Come and get it. Din -dins.

Don't give them too much, Sid. I fed them at lunchtime.

No need to feed them at all. I did it this afternoon.

Yeah, well, I gave him a couple of handfuls about 20 minutes ago.

Don't you realise it's dangerous to overfeed him?

Daddy, you haven't forgotten about tonight, have you?

Look at that.

Look what you've done here. Look at that.

What? Look at that poor little devil down there. Look at him.

Look at his belly. It's all swollen up.

Oh, yes, look at the size of him.

He must be greedier than the rest.

There's one in every family.

You haven't forgotten about tonight, have you, Dad? You said you'd take Mummy

out so we could have the house to ourselves.

You did agree, darling.

And leave my fish lying here with a load of long -haired layabouts stomping

around, chucking their faggons in the water.

They're not like that.

Now, I've seen what some of your age group can do to a railway carriage. I

wouldn't give half a chance to this tank.

Well, Mike and Sally's friends are very nice.

Sorry, it's all... Daddy, you can't do that. It's all arranged.

Oh, see.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll move it somewhere else, all right? Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Daddy.

Thank you, darling.

Pleasure. I'll put the sardines back in the tin.

Hello, Sid.

Hello, mate.

How they doing, then? Great.

They're getting 14 meals a day.

14?

That's far too much, Sid. I know it's too much. Blimey, look at that poor...

Look at him down there. Where?

Fat as a pig he is. Look at him. Look at his belly, all swollen up.

That's not from over -eating, Sid. What do you mean?

Congratulations.

That fish is in the club.

Gene, I'm going to be a daddy.

Well done,

Fred. Fred?

Well, I thought she was a fella.

Where's she gone?

I'll help yourself to some big cigars. You have some too.

Me? Yes, little ones.

Oh, thank you very much.

Clever girl, isn't she?

Oh, Daddy.

It's all right, all right. I'm being careful.

There we are.

There you go, Fred.

Sit. You can't keep calling her Fred now.

It's the only name she knows.

Here we are, darling. All nice and safe on your own.

When will she give birth, Daddy?

I haven't the faintest idea.

According to this, she could give birth to at least 30 or 40 little ones.

Blimey, rather her than me.

Do you realise, Daddy, you could become the father of a show?

Come on, Dad, hurry up. The crowd will be here soon. Yeah, all right. Darling,

give me a hand here, please.

Yes, dear.

All right, now you keep an eye on Mum. I'll get this upstairs.

Not in the bedroom.

Yes. We'll have an early night. You two keep a noise down.

Mike, it's heavy. Come and give me a hand. Hang on, Dad. You will never get

upstairs with all the water in it. I'll get you a bucket.

Right.

Hey, you're supposed to be keeping an eye on her.

Oh, Sid, what a lot of fuss.

If I remember rightly, when I was having Sally, you were down at the pub.

Yeah, well, this is different, isn't it? I mean, you're only having one.

She's having 30 -odd.

Here you are, Dad.

One bucket. Now, if you fill this up with water, we can pour it back in when

get upstairs.

Right. Here, Sal.

Yeah, right. Keep the fish up that end. Right. Keep the spot clear.

That's it.

Right.

All right, I'll get it started. Here we go.

Daddy!

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Daddy, I think there was a fish near the end of the tube.

It disappeared.

Oh, go on now, goodness.

Oh, no, it's all right. There it is. You haven't swallowed it.

Thank God for that.

What you swallowed was one of those little water snails.

Will you put the blanket down, please?

Is this absolutely necessary? I want to go to sleep.

See?

Don't do that.

It's the only way I can keep the water warm.

It's ridiculous.

Well, I've got a pregnant tropical fish here. She's got to be kept warm.

Well, tell her to hurry up and produce something, then.

You can't rush these things. They take time.

Well, I hope they don't take as long as Mike.

I was having false alarms with him for a fortnight.

Fortnight?

Still, it was worth it.

The midwife said he had the choppiest cheeks and the biggest grin she'd ever

seen. She must have been holding him upside down.

Is everything all right, Daddy?

Don't tell me you're still at it down there.

Well, they'll be going in a minute. It's nearly one o 'clock. Would you tell

them to keep the noise down, please? I've tried, but they just didn't believe

when I said that my father was upstairs in bed nursing a pregnant fish.

Right, we're going to go home now. This minute. And close the door, please.

There's a draft.

I'm going to sleep now, Sid. So you'd better wake me if anything happens.

It's likely to happen 48 times.

Oh, it's too much, Sid.

Well, go to sleep. I can manage. Just cover me up. Come on. Cover me up.

That's it. Thank you.

Jane! Jane!

Jane, keep still!

Stop it!

You're making waves.

Sid? Oh, blimey, now what?

You sure that bowl isn't leaking?

Leaking? Of course it's not leaking.

The bed's all damp at your side.

I know, it's me.

Sid!

Oh, no, no, I'm sweating.

It's bloody hot under here.

Well, there's no need to shout.

Cover me up, please. Please, thank you.

Thank you.

Good night.

Any news, Jane?

I don't know. He was still asleep when I came down. Yeah?

Do you want to come up? Oh, yeah.

37 of them.

All boys.

How's Trish?

She's fine. I'll take her back in the tank.

Mike! Sally!

Hi. They all look like you, see.

No, thank you, Mickey. I've been up all night.

Would you like some tea, Sid? No, thanks. I haven't got the strength.

Look. Oh, how they're sweet.

How many?

You've got 37 little brothers.

When was the happy event, Dad?

Oh, it started about 4 .30.

Well, about 4 .31, 4 .32.

All right, all right, take it easy. You look shattered. I am.

Let's see how Fred is, then.

Would you like some tea, Trevor?

Oh, no, thanks, Gina. I just had my breakfast.

Hello?

Hello? What, what?

I don't know how to tell you this, Sid.

Tell me what?

Well, there's another six in here, up the bloody spout.

Laba.

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