Original subtitles

Oh, no.

Not cornflakes again, Mummy.

I'm afraid so, dear.

Your father's still collecting those little plastic figures of the royal

But we've got hundreds already.

The way they keep getting married and having children, we could be eating

cornflakes into the next century.

I only need a little smoldering and one little corgi and I've got the whole

house of Windsor.

Good morning, darling.

Is it?

Something wrong, Daddy? Yes.

I want to know how it is that five mornings in the week I can get into the

bathroom unimpeded. Come Saturday morning, they all bloom a lot of Europe

there. Well, Saturday's a holiday, isn't it, Dad?

Every day's a holiday for you.

No, it isn't. I wake up most mornings feeling exhausted, just thinking about

work.

Oh, Dad,

who is it? Who is it?

I don't know. I bet he's Edel.

It's only Mark Phillips.

Oh, not him, is it?

Last time I had his spurs in my gum for three days.

It's a postman. I'll get it.

Finished reading the pictures, have you?

Yes, thank you.

Tell you what.

Have you seen that?

Oh, God, no.

That's disgusting, isn't it?

If it's disgusting for your son, it's disgusting for you.

One for mummy.

Oh, thank you, darling.

One for me.

Aren't you going to open it?

No, I recognise the handwriting.

S -W -A -L -K.

Who's Swalk?

You know, Swalk, sealed with a loving kiss.

Yes, all right.

So who's Swalk in you?

Just another boyfriend.

And I've gone off him anyway.

Have I met him?

He was... was the one in the sleeping bag you threw out of the front garden

other night.

Oh, him?

If you'd just given him a chance to explain, Daddy.

Sid, you'll never guess.

I didn't have to.

Took one look at that gold earring, picked him up and slung him out.

What did you get from Cousin Peggy?

What's she want?

She says, next Saturday, my daughter is going to tie the knot.

If it's round Cousin Peggy's neck, I'll be the first to cheer.

Now, that's not kind, Sid.

I know that Peggy has her unfortunate side, but... Side?

In her case, it goes all the way round.

Anyway, she's getting married.

To Peggy?

No, Emma, her daughter.

Sure. Must look on the bright side.

Bound to be a boozer.

That's what I like about you, Sid.

That sweet, sentimental side of your character.

Thank you.

Pregnancy, it's a boozer.

Prisonings, it's a boozer.

Funerals, it's a boozer.

If you mean spending an afternoon with your cousin Peggy, he's definitely a

boozer.

You got on very well with her husband. They came to our wedding.

Oh, yeah.

The riot of the reception, he was.

Two glasses of sparkly wine and he sat there playing patience.

Well, Peggy doesn't find it easy now that Arthur's gone.

Gone?

He didn't go. He gave himself up.

He's sitting around in some cloud up there laughing his head off.

Two minutes silence for Alastair.

Right. Now, where do we have to report for the reception?

Well, it shouldn't be far, dear. I'm sure you'll let us know.

Me?

Yes, Figgy would like you to make all the arrangements for it.

Me? Well, as a sort of stand -in for poor departed Arthur.

Don't tell me.

You're going to have me togged up in the come -dancing gear again, aren't you?

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Never.

There is no bloody chance in the world that I'm going to get into that top hat

and tails again.

Peggy also sent a cheque for £150 to cover all the expenses.

I wonder if that cost you my place to still get my measurements.

It'll be fun, Daddy.

Yeah, with my little trip down to Eastbourne.

Oh, no, Sid.

She wants Emma to be married in the church she was christened in. St

round the corner.

She's not staying here.

Only for one night.

No. I am not sleeping under the same roof as Godzilla.

All right, then, darling. I'll have back the check for the booze -up money.

Well, I don't want to be unreasonable.

I'd better go and get some dress material.

Got any money, Daddy? Yes, plenty.

It's all in your mother's handbag.

My handbag's upstairs, dear. Use your own money. I'll give you some of your

father's later.

I'll walk with you. I'd better phone Peggy to make the arrangement.

But you make your telephone call first.

What call?

to cancel the fishing.

Now, just a minute, darling. Now, Sid, with the wedding arrangements to do,

you'll really have no time to go fishing.

What?

I've got the corgi. Oh, Sid!

It's no good. I bit his bloody head off as well.

I mean, it's dead funny, isn't it?

Every Saturday we go fishing, then all of a sudden, out of the blue, this

wedding crops up.

Well, he didn't say, did he?

Yeah, maybe it's young Sally.

He must be joking.

What is it?

Hello, Scythe.

Hello. Here, Rose.

Large scotch for Scythe. You paying?

Yes. You feeling all right?

Well, I thought you might need it with all this wedding caper. Yeah, well, I

a bit saddened.

Yeah, you can say that again. How's Sally?

Oh, she's fine. She's gone out to get her dress for the wedding.

Oh.

What's she like, then? Who?

Oh, the lucky fella.

I don't know. I haven't met him.

You haven't met him? No.

Oh, well, as long as Sally likes it.

She hasn't met him either.

Well, she must have, don't she?

No, no, she hasn't. Anyway, it doesn't matter, does it? All I want to do is

the bride away and then enjoy myself.

Look, hang about.

I mean, you've got to consider the future, haven't you? I mean, I might not

it. I might, though.

Who, Emma or Emma?

Who's Emma?

Peggy's daughter.

Who's Peggy?

Jane has a cousin called Peggy who has a daughter called Emma who's marrying a

fella called Alistair.

Why didn't you say so in the first place, then?

Is the big room free upstairs next week? Yes, love, yes.

Yes? Well, I'll book it through from midday to midnight.

You're invited. Oh, lovely.

So are you. Ah.

Now, Alistair has to spend the night somewhere before the wedding, so I've

promised Jean that he'll stay with you.

Me? Yes.

Drink up and tell Betty.

Tell Betty?

You know who Betty is?

Yes, she's my missus. Serves you bloody right. Go and tell her.

It's lovely having you with us, Emma. Oh, thank you.

And you, Auntie Peggy. Oh, thank you, dear.

There we are.

Oh, a lovely cup of tea.

Now, I've worked it all out.

You and Emma will go into our room.

I'll go in with Sally.

And Sid can sleep here on the sofa.

Oh, lovely, dear. Lovely.

Are you feeling nervous, Emma? A bit.

Still, this takes my mind off it. What presents have you got so far?

Electric blanket, cookery book, and a...

That just about sums up marriage.

Finished at last.

Shall we go upstairs and try our dresses on? Oh, right. I think my henry's

faltering.

From the little I've seen of him, Alistair seems a very nice boy. Oh, he

dear, he is. Maybe a little reserved.

No, you can't flare the flaming trousers.

Twenty quid deposit on those two suits.

Take them inside. Go on.

Peggy. Hello, Sid.

Mum, do I have to wear these tails?

Yes, Mike, you do.

Why? It's only Peggy's daughter's wedding. Stop arguing.

If I'm going to look an idiot, so are you.

Everything all right, Peggy?

Oh, can't complain, you know, Sid.

Mark, I do miss my poor dear Arthur.

And of course, I'm losing Emma.

Yes, it must be very quiet not to have anybody to scream at.

Now,

Sid, Is Emma's reception finalised?

Not quite.

I have to admit it's been a long, hard, shocking struggle this week.

Dragging myself down to the pub. I could have been sitting here watching the

telly. Well, if it's too much trouble for you, Sid, I will go down and see the

person in charge myself.

No, no, no. Just leave it all to me. Let the whole thing come as a big surprise.

But I don't like big surprises, Sid.

I seem to remember there were quite a few at your wedding.

Yeah, well, I had nothing to do with those, did I?

Oh, no, nothing.

I seem to remember that he started the dancing off.

A little early.

We were still in church.

But he did cut the service short, didn't he?

Oh, blimey, wasn't that funny?

Where we all congered out of the church down to the reception.

Where your best friend, the head waiter, was supposed to look after us

personally. Well, he did.

He handed us each a tray.

And told us to queue up with the rest of them.

Well, I'd better be getting down to the pub.

Trevor and Alistair are waiting for me. And I've got to keep an eye on the

bridegroom.

And who's going to keep his eye on you?

Cindy?

Hello, Rosie. Hello, lad. Put mine on the slate.

OK, sir.

Well, son, getting stuck into your last night of freedom?

Pardon, Mr. Rabbit?

Alistair does not drink, sir.

He doesn't what?

I don't drink.

Now, son, you've got to pull yourself together. We've got a tradition down

What? What's the tradition, Mr. Rabbit?

Well, the night before the wedding, the bridegroom has to go out and get

smashed.

Not only that, he puts his hand in his pocket, takes out his purse...

and buys his future relations and friends... And the people he's staying

Yes.

Lots and lots of drinks.

Now, it's very unlucky for the Marys if you break that tradition.

So get your purse out.

Oh, well, if that's a tradition, Mr. Abbott. It is, son, it is. A large

please, for Al. Right.

Emma's mother told me to be very careful.

I've got all my honeymoon money on me.

Sure have I.

Thank you, Rosie. Hey!

Here, darling, keep the change.

Oh, thanks.

Well, here's to married life. Good help, yeah.

Same again, Moses.

Here. You'll be all right tomorrow night, then.

Eh? You know, put a bit of you -know -what.

What's you -know -what?

You know, how's your father?

He's been dead for 20 years.

I mean about you and Emma being compatible.

Compatible? Yes, you know, look, you don't have to be shy. You're among

And what's more, it's your round again.

Look, I really ought to go, Mr Abbott.

I've arranged to meet some friends for coffee.

Oh, all right. And Emma's mother did tell me to be in by 11. Oh, Trevor, you

won't hear me when I creep up the stairs.

If it's 11, it's locked. I won't even be there when you creep up the stairs.

See you... See you both in the morning. Yes, all right.

Be a good boy.

He is shy, isn't he?

I bet he even turns the other way when he has a bath.

Wind him up, Rosie.

Oh, cheers, eh?

Shh.

Thank you.

Why is the Mark sleeping on the sofa?

Because he's asleep.

Is he?

Get up!

Get up!

Sid! Will you be quiet? Shut up.

Mark,

will you open this door?

I can't. I'm asleep.

He's asleep.

Our little boy's asleep.

Accident comes later.

Oh, my head's throbbing.

Where the hell have you been?

Well, I went out, Mr Abbott, and I met some new friends, and I bought them all

drink, just like you said.

Oh, good.

We went down to the Golden Garter Club.

The Golden Garter?

Mm.

And do you know what I saw?

I do.

My first stripper.

Lady...

Have you seen her?

Yes, in 1948.

Her speciality was two saucepan lids and a soup spoon.

And when I was there, I met these really nice people that gave me a lift home.

They had flowers painted all over their car.

Talking about love and peace and freedom, man.

They kept calling one another man. Yes, man, I know, man.

And they said... that the most important thing in life is sharing.

So, you shared all the money you had with them?

Yes. And they wanted to come in here and freak out.

Did they?

Well, as far as I'm concerned, they can freak off.

Mr Abbott, do you know that none of them were married?

And they're all very happy.

You know what?

You've changed your mind, haven't you?

Yes. Well, you can't change your mind.

Peggy, you murdered both of us.

But, I mean, I don't think I'll be very happy. Yes, you will bloody be happy.

You'll force yourself to be happy. Come on. But, but, Mr. Lyle, I mean, I

haven't got any money. I mean, what will I do about the honeymoon?

I mean, it was supposed to be after Pride.

It will be. There won't be one. Come on.

But where will we go?

You don't have to worry. Somebody's bound to have a spare bed, and that's

you need for a honeymoon. Come on.

Oh. Get in there and go and have a kip. Go on.

Oh. And be quiet, please.

Just get over the fence.

And mind the gas bench.

Oh, the butterflies have really got to me, Auntie Jean.

Oh, there's nothing to worry about, dear. I wish Mummy wasn't so upset.

My mother was just the same. She cried all day.

But you were marrying Sid.

That's why she cried.

get its son to take the wrong hat.

Stuff it with newspapers, darling.

Good idea, isn't it?

So when I take my hat off to the vicar, the racing results fall over me.

The cows are here, Mummy.

There you are, darling.

Thank you.

Now don't be late.

See you in church.

Get out.

Oh, I feel awful, Uncle Sid.

Oh, you don't have to worry about it. I fixed a lovely reception for you. Oh.

I'm sure you have.

But it's not the reception I'm worried about.

No? It's after the reception.

Ah.

Yes, well, there's nothing to it, really. You know, I mean, see,

on the one hand, you've got the birds, and on the other hand, you've got the

bees.

And what the hell they've got in common, I'll never know.

Oh, poor Alistair. He's still a bit naive.

Paraffin salesmen aren't all that worldly wise.

No, but they're very handy to be with during a fuel crisis.

Now, you won't go making any jokes about him during the speech, will you? No, of

course I won't. You promise?

Promise. Here, I'll read it to you.

This is good, listen to this.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Chairman.

Pray charge your glasses, champagne for immediate family, beer for the others.

I like that, I think I'll keep that in.

The bride and groom, I think.

And I know, I know I speak for everyone here when I say it's obvious they had to

get married. What?

Oh, no, no. They had to get married because they were so perfectly matched.

Like Romeo and Juliet, Napoleon and, uh,

oh... Josephine.

Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.

Uh, not tonight, Joseph. No, I better not say that. No.

Uh, maybe I can work in another. Pray charge your glasses.

Eh? That's it. Here we go.

Ready?

cup of tea? Oh, no, thank you, Mummy.

What? Anything.

Anything.

There, darling.

For you.

You can put those straight back into Trevor's garden.

You know, Dad, you were right.

You did look an idiot.

Oh, yes.

Never mind.

We'll stick it in a box upside down.

It'll be right to it when we visit the Royal Garden Party.

Daddy, in the last wall, I think you and Trevor were the prettiest couple on the

floor.

Thank you.

I'll tell you what, Dad.

You gave a super reception.

You did us proud. Thank you.

Here.

Here we are.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Alone at last.

Alone at last.

You know something?

All this talk about honeymoon's got me going.

It's all that scotch that's got you going.

Do you remember when we were courting, and we sat on the couch in the dark

listening to my little Willie Flutter?

No, I don't remember that.

Yeah, of course you do. The little Willie Flutter, the fellow with the

organ. Do you remember?

On the 78th. He was a bit scratched, I know.

Good night, Mr. Abbott, Mrs. Abbott. Thank you very much. You're welcome.

Well, here we are, alone.

Man in the world. What the hell's he doing here?

Well, you let him go out and told him to give away all his money.

Now he's got nowhere to go on his honeymoon, so I've given him our room.

Our room?

No.

How is that? We might sort of kick off on a second honeymoon.

Well, like the first, darling, it's going to have to wait.

Why?

You mean I've got to spend another night on this?

Not one night, dear.

Fourteen.

Fourteen?

They're staying for a fortnight.

Oh, God.