Original subtitles

Blasted Residents Association.

Sid, you can't do that.

Dada, why don't you have a go at that?

You're supposed to send this back with your annual subscription.

I'm not sending it back. I'm resigning.

Why?

On a matter of principle.

What principle?

I'm not paying this year's subscription.

Sid, you have to be a member of the Residents Association.

We live in the street.

What's it for, anyway, this Residents Association?

For residents.

Two of them?

Mr Parker wants us all to go to the meeting.

I'm not putting one foot in that house, not one toe. We've lived here for 20

solid years and he's never even asked us round once.

We don't move in their circles.

His dog moves in ours.

Every time he cocks that blasted leg, he finds my olly ox.

No.

I'm not being silly, but if it wasn't for that salami on legs, I'd have a nice

lawn like velvet.

Tell me, what's it done?

What has it done for us, this residents' association?

They had the pig bin removed.

Yeah, 24 years after the war was over.

And they got No. 7's oak tree chopped down.

So they did. But it wasn't No. 7's oak tree that was dangerous. It was No. 12's

cherry.

See, anyone can make a mistake.

Not on my money, they can't.

Isn't it typical of the waste that's going on?

Concord, space probes, channel tunnels.

How much is a year's membership, Daddy?

Fifty pence.

Oh, good.

Blimey, there she is.

No, Betty, we're just having a row. Oh, good. I thought we might be

interrupting. What are you making, Sally?

It's a caftan.

At least, I think it's a caftan.

I think it's a tent. It'll fit there. Give it to me.

Actually, we came to suggest that we could all go to the residence meeting

together.

Well, that's what we're having the row about.

Sid won't go.

I told you Sid wouldn't go. He's not community -minded.

Oh, yes, he did.

It's just that Sid happens to think that Chairman Parker is a jumped -up,

useless twit.

He doesn't like him much, either.

I don't think we ought to suggest a new chairman, then. Oh, Blimey, you'd be

stupid enough to take on a job like that.

You would, wouldn't you, Trevor?

What?

Then we'll all go and vote for Trevor. Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, we will,

mate. You're a natural -born leader.

Of course he is. Look at him.

He couldn't make a worse job of it than he did.

Now, what's he done? What's he done about this latest rates demand?

probably paid it.

He's nearly double. Have you seen this?

Look at this. Look at the rubbish he's spending my money on.

Education, 55 .24 pence in the pound.

Well, we did have two children at the local school, Sid.

That's true.

And I'm entitled to a refund on him for a start.

Look at him.

Twelve years at the comprehensive. What's he doing?

Sitting there trying to knit a banjo.

Dad, I'm trying to knit a guitar.

Well, whatever it is.

Look at this.

Use of the park, 3 .12 pence. I haven't been inside those gates for two years.

That's right.

Not since that park keeper called you a dirty old man.

That's unfair.

You're not old, are you, Daddy?

It wasn't my fault I found that bra hanging on the tree.

Sid, we have to be members of the residents' association.

It's our right as citizens and our duty as members of the community.

I also want to see what that... Swanky Mrs. Parkins had put in her new

extension. I hear they've got lovely wartime furniture, Mummy.

And a fully automatic barbecue.

So what?

And a built -in bar, Dad, with every drink you can imagine.

They even have their own beer piped straight from the barrel.

What time does this start?

I'm only going because it's my duty as a citizen.

And we'll have the meetings in our sun lounge.

But we haven't got a sun lounge. We will have... Oh,

speed, isn't it beautiful?

Personally,

I think it's a bit exaggerated.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're about ready to begin.

That is when Mr. Abbott...

descends to join us. Oh, sorry, mate.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit next to my missus? Oh, sure. Thank you very

much.

Thank you. Now, I, um, that is, we have asked you to come here this evening, uh,

because we know that the improvement of the environment is of concern to

everyone. That is to nearly everyone. We will pass over Mr.

Abbott Shaggy, front lawn.

I'll cut my lawn when you swap that overfed mobile sausage for something

knows how to behave itself.

It's all right, he doesn't mean you, Mort.

Friends, we are gathered here this evening in order that we may discuss...

about my leg?

Could we come to your leg a little later on, Mr Harrison?

Now, friends, let us begin by looking back over all the wonderful things that

that is, we, have achieved for the community.

What about number seven's oak tree?

What about it? Ask him.

What about number seven's oak tree?

Ah, yes. Well, Mrs. Popplewell did understand that that was merely an

unfortunate error.

Did she?

How come I buried her two months later?

Because she was 97 and died peacefully in her sleep.

Did she?

Yes, Sid. Now you tell me.

If we may proceed, now we come to the pressing matter of finance.

What about my leg?

Could we leave your leg out for a moment, Mrs. Harrison, please?

Why can't you leave her leg out? Oh, Blimey, look at the bloody... Here,

here. Sit down, please.

Mr. Reed, you're supposed to say that at meetings. Yes, all right, all right.

When Mr.

and Mrs. Abbott will allow me to continue, thank you, I have in mind an

in the annual subscription.

Oh, no, Blimey, that was coming.

Somebody's got to pay for this lot.

Daddy, be quiet. Stop showing us up. I'm not showing us up. I'm showing them up.

Well, I'd still like to know where all this comes from. He's quite right.

They're all at it.

There's nothing like power for breeding contraception.

And what about all this payola? And all these orgies with pot?

And girls dressed up as teddy bears?

No wonder there's no time to talk about your leg.

Every penny of our amenity fund could be accounted for.

Rubbish. Daddy, be quiet!

Sally, your father's heckling. That's what you're supposed to do at meetings.

Democracy. Every man's duty to ask questions.

Very well, then, Mr. Abbott. What particular question did you want to ask?

Well, now that you mention it, I, uh... Um... Let me see.

Go on, darling.

You all right? Give me time. Don't rush me.

What about my list? Yeah, that's it. What about her list?

Are you deliberately trying to wreck this meeting single -handed? Not at all.

It's a democracy, mate. Anybody can have a go.

Mr. Taylor.

Horrocks. When are the council going to do something about the hole outside my

gates? Answer.

Answer. Well done. I was just about to answer.

Mr. Horrocks, I can assure you that we are considering the problem of the hole

outside your front gate. It might have been a hole when you started

mate. Now it's a bloody underground car park.

You are deliberately exaggerating the entire matter.

Like I suppose she was exaggerating when she fell down and broke her leg.

She's not wearing that because she's ladded her tights, mate.

I'd like to make a suggestion.

Sorry?

I'd like to make a suggestion.

Oh.

I suggest... Mr Sid Abbott for chairman!

Very well, very well, very well. If that is the mood of the meeting, then you

leave me no alternative but to resign.

I shall be very interested to hear the new chairman put his plan of campaign.

Here I am.

He means you, darling.

Ah, the plan of campaign. Yes. Well, ah...

I, uh, I suggest, uh... Rates. What about them?

Sid wants to suggest that we find a way of getting our rates reduced.

That's what I suggest.

Well,

I think it's a great idea, Dad. Thank you very much.

I think you put it very well, Mummy.

Oh, thank you, darling.

How should we start the campaign, Sid? Give me time. I want to be chairman in

ten minutes.

Well, you know how it is, don't you, Dad?

Some people have greatness thrust upon them.

How do you find out how much the rates are in the first place, Daddy?

Ask your clever brother.

I don't know either.

Ask your clever mother, then.

I don't know.

Blimey, you're a bright lot, you are.

Do you know, then, Daddy?

No, but I'm going to find out.

Who are you phoning, kid?

Town Hall.

Raise the demand. We don't want to get the phone number.

308. 308.

1974.

Thank you.

You're definitely the right man for this job, Daddy.

Look at the authority in that finger.

Hello?

Put me under somebody in charge, please.

Hello.

This is Mr Sidney Abbott of the Howard Road Residents Association.

That's right, isn't it? Residents Association.

Right. Now then.

I want to tell you how disgusted we are about these rates.

Yes.

And it's a shocking figure. How do you arrive at a stupid figure like that?

Stick a pin in it?

You what?

What do you mean you don't understand?

Oh.

No, of course you can't help me.

Thank you very much. Yes. Goodbye.

Why couldn't they help?

Because that's the local undertaker.

And 308 -1974 is the bloody date, not the phone number.

The gross value of the rates is the rent at which the property might reasonably

be expected to be let from year to year.

Cool guy, man.

Are you sure you haven't bitten off more than you can chew, Seed? Well, it's

your fault I'm chairman, innit? So if I'm going to be chairman, I'm going to

a good 'un.

Yeah, but you don't know how much rent you can get for the place, do you? I've

got it all organised. I'm going to use this house as a test case. If I can get

my rates reduced, so can everybody else.

Well, you make it sound very simple, Seed. It is simple, mate. Just fight

cunning with cunning.

Yeah. I thought you said it was simple.

Mrs. Abbott? Yes?

Braithwaite. Oh, Braithwaite and Father Gill estate agent.

Yes? I understand you wish to rent your hut.

No. Yes, yes, yes, we do. Go inside and I'll tell you later. Don't worry about

it, leave it to me. Off you go.

Thank you. Come in, please.

Thank you.

We start upstairs, right? Here we go.

It's all your fault.

What is?

You insisted I'm going to that meeting.

So I didn't, you did.

Isn't that just like a man hiding behind the truth?

There we are.

Just go straight through into the lounge. Thank you.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you. Whiskey? Thank you.

Well, now that you've seen around the estate, what do you reckon I'd get?

For the whole house or part of that off? All of it.

Finished? Why not?

That's a conservative estimate, Mr Abbott. I think, bearing in mind the

of bedrooms... Well, they're pretty small, though, aren't they?

No, they're not. They're quite sizable.

You're joking.

You'd never get a four -poster in one of those.

No, but would you want to?

Well, no, but a tenant might. He'd have a shocking job getting a four -poster up

those stairs, wouldn't he?

Well, now, there's a very pleasant bathroom.

Tiled walls.

Tiled walls? They're all falling off. Only been on six months.

Well, why don't you complain? Who put them on? I did.

What about the wet rot?

You have wet rot, Mr. Abbott. No, no, but if I did have, would I reduce the

rent? Well, possibly, yes. Or dry rot? Dry rot.

Or both?

Mr. Abbott, I was under the impression that I'd come here to advise you on how

much rent you could get for this property.

Or a little.

No, I don't understand.

I mean, normally people praise their own property.

You seem to be implying that yours is about to fall down.

Would that reduce the rent?

Well, why exactly do you want it reduced?

I'm not the sort of fellow that likes taking money under false pretenses.

Well, you're either a remarkably honest man or a complete assessment of the

situation.

Mr. Bradford, all I want to know is how do I get the rent down?

Well, of course, if you were in an industrial zone, which you're not. No.

remote from transport facilities, which you're not. No.

Have you troubled by heavy road or air traffic, which you're not?

Hang on, hang on.

You mean like jumbo jets flying over?

Yes.

But they don't, do they?

Not yet.

That'll be the blood from the town hall.

And we want to get those rates down, we've got to convince him. Yes, sir.

you know what you've got to do.

Yes, sir. Well, don't just sit there. Do it.

Briggs, valuation office at town hall.

Oh, come in, please.

Thank you. Go straight through.

Now, I understand you've made an appeal against your rating assessment, Mr.

Abbott. Yes, that's right.

Now, stop. It's a pretty rough idea of the ground.

Well, now, the lawn is 12 by 10.

I mean, I call it a lawn. It's just a few bald patches held together by weeds.

It's a compost heap and a broken -down greenhouse. No, I mean the grounds on

which you are appealing.

Oh, yes.

Well, now then, as I understand it, the rates are based on how much rent I can

get for the house. More or less.

Well, in that case, I shouldn't be paying any rates at all.

And how did you arrive at that rather remarkable conclusion, Mr. Abbott?

Because I couldn't rent it out, mate. I couldn't give it away.

It seems a highly desirable neighborhood to me.

You haven't lived here, have you? I mean, you haven't had your amenities

desecrated. In what way, exactly?

Jumbo jets?

Jumbo jets?

Yes. But the airport's over 30 miles away, and the flight path is in the

completely opposite direction.

There should be one any second.

I can't

see it. Pardon? I can hear it! All right, all right.

But I can't see it. Yeah, well, it's probably gone behind a cloud.

Isn't a cloud in the sky?

Ah, well, that's the acoustics, you see.

It's the sonic booms bouncing off the cumulus onto the foregats.

You'll find another one coming any minute. I'd bung it in if I were you.

And that's not all.

No? Post office tower.

That doesn't fly overhead at regular intervals, too.

Oh, but it's ruined the view. You can't possibly see the post office tower from

here. You can if you stand on the bathroom stool.

I'm in the habit of standing on your bathroom stool. Well, I used to be until

built that bloody tower. Now it's ruined the view.

Anything else?

Rowdy neighbours.

Pardon? Rowdy neighbours.

He's all right, but she's shocking.

Yeah, it's odd that you've managed to live here for 15 years, Mr Abbott,

mentioning this before.

Then, of course, there's the pollution.

I fearlessly what pollution has to do with this.

Oh, God. Blimey, it's obvious, isn't it? I mean, there's all this erosion flying

about all over the place, rotting everything.

Even rotted the soundproofing.

Rotted the soundproofing?

We can hear every word they say.

And your mother is definitely not coming on holiday with us again.

Lifting her castanets all over the Costa Brava and overlaying every randy

Spanish waiter in sight.

Not that you couldn't learn a thing or two from her.

20 -odd years together and you still think Red Woolly Bloomer still turned me

on.

See that?

You never know how the other half lives unless you live here.

A wise duty doesn't begin and end with washing the whitest vests in town, you

know. A bloke can't run all over the place ripping his shirt open and saying,

may be sex -starved, but look how white my bloody vest is.

This is shocking, Mr Abbott. I should go and see the people next door. Get their

complaint on record.

Well, hang on. Wait a minute. You can't do that. Why not? They're not in.

Mr. Briggs.

Mr.

Briggs, please.

Mr. Briggs.

Mr. Briggs.

I don't know what's going on.

But do you know you've got a guitar on your foot? I did have. It's off now.

Don't worry about it.

Not that you couldn't learn a thing or two from her.

Twenty -odd years together and you still think Red Woody Bloomer still turned me

on. A what?

Town Hall.

Town Hall?

Rates Department.

How do you do?

Sorry, she... Oh, please, don't apologise.

No? No. If it hadn't been for your racket, I would not have come in here.

would not have found out that you've had central heating installed, would I?

No, I suppose not.

Is that a new garage next door but one?

Oh, no, they had it built in the spring.

I see.

And a ground floor extension on the house next to that?

That's the Parker's Sun Lounge.

Sun lounge, thank you.

Any new pools, patios?

Well, Mrs. Clark has just had a new... New baby.

In it.

And in it.

Yes, well, now.

Yes, well, we are all waiting, Abbott.

Sorry about all this, but I was only trying to do my best. Well, I put our

up ten quid, see. You made me, chairman, didn't you? You're lucky.

They put mine up nearly £14 just for my loft. I'm sorry about that. Who told

them about my swimming pool? I wouldn't worry. You'll probably lose it for a few

months, Mrs. Adler.

My son, Lounge, instead of getting our rates reduced, all your meddling seems

have achieved is to get us a whacking rate increase.

Yes. Not all of us.

What do you mean, not all of us?

Why, who's been missed out?

hasn't done any home improvement.

Please,

please.

Now, I can't help it, but I seem to get the feeling that you lot think I've made

a mess of this. That is exactly what we think.

Well, in that case, there's only one thing I can say.

I resign.

We're waiting for you to explain.

Well, I told you I either resigned or... Not to us. To Mr. Braithwaite. Who?

Mr. Braithwaite, the estate agent.

What's he want?

At the moment, he's upstairs showing some prospective tenants around our

Prospective tenants?