Original subtitles

Look at that.

Another strike. This country's on its knees.

Yes, dear.

I don't know what the working man is trying to do to us. He wants more this,

more that, less hours, extra pay.

They strike more often than our bleeding clock.

Yes, dear.

You know, Britain is the finest country in the world to live in. We've got the

finest scientists, finest education, finest medicine.

If it's British, it's best.

Best.

What's that?

A British sausage.

What happened to it?

What do you mean, what happened to it? I cooked it.

That's what happened to it.

I've been feeding this family for 20 years and they don't seem to have come

any harm yet.

Thank you. Hello, Bob.

Look at him.

He's got that fresh morning sparkle.

party, Mike? Oh, outrageous, Mum. Like, absolutely outrageous.

What time did you get in?

What time is it now?

Quarter to nine.

About twenty -two.

You got in at twenty to nine? Yep.

You've been out all night?

Yep. Well, that's disgraceful. What are you trying to do all night?

Well, you see, Dad, like, I pulled the... You pulled the cheek?

Yeah. I know what you mean.

Well, of course your father knows what you mean.

He's got me to remind him.

I must be raving mad. Here I am, going to work on a retired shortage and he's

all night.

No, Sid, you're not going to work today.

You're doing the garden.

Am I?

Yes. Have you seen it out there? The grass is higher than the fence.

Well, it's your trip, isn't it, Dad?

You go to work, come home, wash the car, do the garden.

Life is supposed to be fun.

He's right, Sid.

Life is supposed to be fun.

Now, when was... last time that you had a good laugh. I have a good laugh every

time I look at him.

So I'm a useful commodity in the house, aren't I? Pass the sauce, Big Mum.

There you are, dear.

Thank you.

That's all right, Dad.

I said, go on, take a look.

Don't worry about anybody else.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What are you doing? You know I...

The papers won't be long.

Can I have mine in a doggy bag, please, Mummy?

Can't you be like the rest of us and have it on a plate?

I want to take it to someone.

I have enough trouble feeding you lot without sending food parcels to stray

dogs. It's not for a stray dog. It's for a stray person.

What stray person, dear?

A poor person who hasn't got all the things that we've got.

Well, if you keep giving him everything we've got, we won't have it ourselves,

will we?

Who is he?

Well, he's a sort of tramp.

Tramp? Yes.

Mike and I met him last week in Shepherd's Bush.

We gave him some of your old sweaters.

I haven't got any old sweaters.

Well, what about the blue one?

I've only had that three weeks.

Pete, isn't that lovely?

I've only worn it twice.

No, I don't mean that. I mean, isn't it nice to have such thoughtful children?

It really upsets me when I see him. He hasn't got a warm bed.

Or bath.

What are you talking about? You've got both of those things and you never use

them.

I use my bed.

But not properly.

Beds are for night time.

You're a human being, not a hamster.

Mind you, I could be wrong.

What you don't understand, Daddy, is that... There is nothing I do not

understand. Let me tell you. Will you please all stop arguing?

Now, every meal time there is no peace.

is just two minutes of peace.

Well, you don't have to seize up altogether. You could talk about the

something.

Moderate to light easterly wind.

Temperature below average afternoon drizzle.

Not a very good forecast, especially if you're a tramp.

What matter to him? He can't read.

read to know it's raining, does he? Oh, blimey, it serves him right. He should

be doing something for the community.

He is doing something for the community.

If it wasn't for him, all the gutters would be full of fag ends.

Disgusting. You wouldn't be glad to pour a tramp a fag end, would you, Daddy?

The hand that gives is the hand that gains it.

It doesn't matter, Mummy. I don't want to start a family row.

Now look what you've done.

And all because you're too mean to help an old tramp.

I have helped him. I've given him two sweaters.

You're not willing me. Not with your heart, not with your soul.

Oh, God, blimey, what is this? Songs of praise?

Anyway, if I want to give my breakfast away, it's my own business.

She's right, Sid.

There you are, dear.

And if you don't want yours, you can give that to the tramp.

Thank you, Annie.

Now, is there anything else you'd like, Sid?

I haven't had anything yet.

Well, I'm making coffee.

Can I have tea?

Well, tea's a bit awkward because I am making coffee.

I'll have a cup of coffee, Mum.

And me.

So, would you like some coffee, Sid?

I'll have a plate of minestrone.

You can have my breakfast, too.

Tell you what, sir, when you go, I'll come with you.

When you do go, take your cap with you. You'll collect more money than the

tramp.

I'm in a terrible state. I've broken the baby's bottle.

What did you do, hit him over the head with it?

You've got a bottle you could let me have?

Oh, no, Betty. Sid's on Bickie's now.

Do you think you could mind him for me while I just pop to the shop? Oh,

what do you want to give him a bottle for? He's nine months old. He should be

work.

You're obsessed with people going to work.

Now, what's the point in having friends if you can't help them?

All right, I'll help her.

I'll get her a bottle.

Have that fin, please.

Oh, that doesn't look very hygienic.

What are you talking about? They're usually things in operating theatres.

But we use ours in the garden.

Yes.

Hold that, please.

Right, thank you.

the kitchen.

Now, I've put some new polish on the floor. It's not dry yet. All I want to

is listen to my record, that's all.

Well, you relax, darling, and Mike and I won't bother you.

Why did you do that? I was enjoying it.

We were just revving up for the end bit.

I've had this thing for six solid months and you've never let me hear the end

bloody bit yet.

Oh, Dad, you'd love it. It's absolutely amazing. You know what happens? All the

bells come in, all the drums come in, the cannons come in, and it's change,

change, change.

Go out and get married or something.

It isn't as easy as that, is it? I've got to fall in love first.

And somebody's got to fall in love with him.

You're joking.

We'll have to advertise him in the newspapers.

One hairy twit with 36 green shield stamps, free to anybody who'll give him

good old.

You underestimate Mike, Sid. He's a very attractive young man.

That's your opinion.

There's a whole world on the verge of fantastic experiments, and he's

wood.

I am not whittling wood.

This is art. It's a craft.

What is it? What does it look like?

Two boobs on a stick.

Why don't you get a normal job, like a normal fella?

What's the good of explaining to you? You wouldn't understand anyway.

Wally understands.

Wally? Who's Wally?

Oh, that's the tramp's name.

Oh, not him again, please.

Well, he's free, isn't he, Dad?

I mean, he's not into the material things of life. He's into the spiritual

of it.

And that's how I want to be. Free.

Just moving from bench to bench.

Oh, blubber, that's ridiculous.

We can't all stop working and start moving from bench to bench.

And why not?

Because there'd be nobody to start making their bloody benches for a start.

Sid, I wish you'd stop swearing.

The budgie asked for his bloody letters this morning.

Please, please, not in front of him.

I don't think I'll bother with the garden this morning. I'm going to go out

sit on the pavement. I'll take him with me.

Wandering Abbott and his performing monkey.

I don't know why you're so bigoted.

It takes all kinds to make a world.

Yeah, think how dull it would be if everybody was like you. If everybody was

like me, they'd all go to work and the country would be on its feet.

Yes, and they'd all spend every night in the hare and hounds.

And the entire population would be flat on its back.

I'll kill him.

You see, stop grinding your teeth.

You're beginning to look like an Alsatian.

There she comes. Doggy bag, Doris.

Now, don't you upset her.

She's a very thoughtful girl.

And you should be proud of her that she wants to help underprivileged people.

Hello. Hello, dear.

Where have you been?

Nowhere. Oh, that's a nice place, nowhere.

Sit. Well, she must have been somewhere.

Somewhere.

Your father was just saying how proud he is of you.

Was I?

Yes, you were.

Oh. Well, I'm very grateful to you, Daddy. I want you to know that.

Thank you.

After all, I must have inherited my compassion from my parents.

Thank you very much.

And I'm grateful too, Dad.

Where else would we get our athletic bodies, good looks?

I've brought your breakfast back.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that, Sally.

Your father didn't mean what he said this morning.

Sally, I'm sorry I was on edge this morning, but that's how I am in the

mornings.

And the afternoons.

And the evenings.

Mike, stop it.

Your father's trying to be upset.

Sally, as I was saying, I'm very pleased to see that you're growing up into a

kind... thoughtful, considerate girl. And just to prove it, Jane, put my cake

a doggy bag.

Oh, Sid, I'll put mine in too.

Oh, sorry, Sal. I've eaten mine.

It's all right, Daddy. You don't have to do that. Oh, no, I want to do it. A

friend of yours is a friend of mine.

There's no need.

What do you mean?

Because I brought Wally home to tea.

You what?

There is enough for one extra, isn't there, Mummy? Well, of course there is,

darling.

About time your father went on a diet.

Thank you, Daddy.

You'll like him, Dad. Really. He's a really, really nice guy.

And you did say you'd give him your cake.

I said I'd give it to him, not have it with him.

This is Wally's friend, Beauty.

Sid, stop that.

How will the poor man feel if he comes in and sees you spraying the place?

You never know where he's been.

You're polluting the goldfish.

Did you see his overcoat when he took it off? It stood up on its own.

Well, that'll do a lot of good.

It's furniture polish.

Where is he?

Having a bath.

Having a bath?

In my bathroom?

Well, where would you like him to have a bath? In the kitchen sink?

Mum, how long does that dryer take?

About 15 minutes, Mike.

Oh, too much.

Hey, just a minute. What's he doing?

He's washing Wally's clothes.

This is my house, not a Chinese bleeding laundry.

finger bowls on the table.

Just good manners, that's all.

Not with egg and toast.

Anyway, it's usually a small china one, not a plastic washing -up bowl.

Just making subtle hints, that's all.

Oh, yes, very subtle.

Especially the soap and flannel on his side plate.

Danny, don't argue with him. Go and help Mike.

No, look, I keep telling you, I don't like layabouts. Now, he's had 17 cups of

tea and 24 pounds of chocolate cake.

And God knows what Sally's put in this box.

The sting of his head.

He's got to go.

I think he's very cultured.

I mean, he knows a lot about art and music.

And look at these beautiful books. Yes, and look at the chatty bookcase.

It's not the pram that counts. It's what's in it that matters. I hesitate to

think what is in that pram. Probably got his own flea circus rehearsing in

there.

Dressing gown.

Please forgive me, but Mike seems to have taken my clothes.

He's just drying them.

My husband was admiring your books.

Weren't you, darling?

Enjoy your bath?

Oh, yes, thank you. I'm not accustomed to such luxuries.

Oh, well, you could try the river.

One can hardly walk naked into the Thames.

That's true. Although, goodness knows why not. I mean, bodies are, after all,

only bodies, are they not?

Oh, yes, they're not. Oh, they are, yes.

May I sit down?

Do you have to?

Here we are, Wally. A cup of coffee. Oh, thank you.

Delightful children you have, Mr Abbott.

Untouched by the greed and corruption of modern society.

You mean a bone idol.

As long as idleness only besets the body and not the mind, Mr Abbott. You don't

like living in houses, then, do you? Well, I like fresh air and nature.

And one can hardly experience that in a brick prison.

Oh, I don't know. We've got an extractor fan and a budgie.

I like to be free, free to think, free to dream.

Yes, I like to be free too. As a matter of fact, when you've finished your

coffee, you're free to go.

Exactly, Mr Abbott. And when you've finished your coffee, where are you free

go?

Me?

What a stupid question.

I can go anywhere I blooming like, mate.

I mean, I can go to... I can go...

To the having gardens of Babylon?

No, but the begonias are blooming in the greenhouse.

Mountains of the Alhambra Palace?

No, but with a little imagination and a nozzle on the end of my hosepipe.

Oh, poor tethered soul, caught in the rope of fate.

Family, mortgage, duty, and, oh, horror of horrors abudging.

Just a minute, Hugh. Don't you start criticising my luck, because you can't

afford it yourself.

I work for my living, mate. Don't we all, Mr Abbott, one way or another?

You call that work?

Pushing an old pram around full of rubbish?

At least my pram was full of kids, mate.

Kids, Mr Abbott, are only a noisy extension of ourselves.

How many kids we have depends on how careless we are.

Very true, very true. I've got six.

You were careless, weren't you?

But my kids lead a very happy life, Mr Abbott, doing what they want to do, like

their father.

It's very hard to do what you want to do, don't you think?

I don't know. Never done it.

Oh, I have done it. Of course I've done it.

Several times.

I, uh... Well, I mean, it's, uh... Yes.

Would you like a drink, Mr Abbott?

We haven't got any.

Shame on you, working so hard.

Oh, you're going then, are you?

He's off.

He's leaving.

Well, it's very nice of you to...

Cheers.

Cheers.

Funny. Tastes of furniture polish.

My family needs me.

Yes, what is it?

The tumble dryer's broken down.

We've only managed to dry this.

That's all I need, eh?

I wanted a quiet weekend. I finished up spending it with a naked tramp.

I mean, that lot there would frighten a cement mixer.

Send him home on his vest.

Oh, you can't send him out. It's raining.

It'll keep him clean.

All right, then lend him an umbrella, the one with the holes in.

You've got plenty of clothes, Daddy. Can't you lend him some? No, I cannot.

Well, then he'll just have to stay here the night until his things are dry.

He is not staying here, and that is final.

You'd send him out into the cold with a string vest and an umbrella? Yes, I

would. Blimmin' Liberty'd come in here criticising us.

He even criticised the bloody budgie.

It's no use. I'm going to have to get that bird some earplugs.

Well, go on, then. Tell him. Tell him to go. I will. I'll tell him. Right now.

Well, don't you expect me to speak to you again?

Oh, me?

Tell you what, Mum, I thought Dad had a heart.

Oh, he's got a heart, Mike.

He'd be dead otherwise, wouldn't he?

I'm very sorry, Mummy, causing all this trouble. Oh, darling, you haven't caused

any trouble.

But you and Daddy won't talk to each other now.

Of course we will.

It'll just be a bit louder than usual.

I do hope Daddy's nice to Wally. He's a very lonely man.

Mike and I seem to be the only friends he has.

Well, except Beauty.

When your father comes back, I want you two to be nice to him.

I mean, after all, it's his house. It's up to him who comes and goes.

Didn't give that to the Desmond.

Steve, you've given him the shirt off your back.

Why didn't you give him one of your other shirts?

He didn't like any of my other shirts.

You don't mean he's gone out just wearing a shirt?

No. I gave him your brown and blue suit.

Oh, thank you very much. You're welcome.

You are a kind and considerate person.

And kind and considerate people always get their reward.

Thank you. There.

Dear Mr. Abbott, thank you for your hospitality.

If you're ever in Shepherd's Bush, my bench is the first on the right.

I know we have little in common, but I still have my principles.

Nice fellow, isn't he?

Thank you for that pretty suit.

So in return for your kind gesture, I leave you my most treasured possession,

beauty.

P .T. out.

Her pups are due on Friday.

Thank you.

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