Original subtitles

Bread, butter, sugar, sweetness.

Hello, darling.

You been cleaning the car?

No, I've just been to Ascot.

Well, Mike said he'd clean it for you.

Did he?

And how am I going to get the car up into his bedroom?

Oh, darling, he's young. He needs his rest.

He could easily outgrow his strength.

Yeah? Oh, he's never up long enough.

I'll tell you something, I'll bet you a pound you won't see him till he's

hungry.

Mike!

Sally!

Coming! Coming, Mummy!

I'll owe it to you.

See you later, I'm off to... So why aren't you stopping me and nagging me to

shopping with you?

What is this, the House of Wax?

Normally you can't wait for me to take you shopping so you can spend all my

money. I was just thinking.

Good.

Sid.

Yes? I need some more housekeeping.

More housekeeping?

Yes. I gave you 17 quid last week.

That's right.

We agreed.

The shop stewards, that's you and the kids, agreed with the management. That's

me.

17 quid is a very good amount.

It is.

Good. But this week I need some more.

How much did you spend out of last week's money?

£16 .45.

There you are. That's a 55p profit in the week before.

£15 .40. There you go.

£1 .15 profit.

All right, darling. It's up to you. If you want a £1 .15 birthday present...

Pardon?

It's your birthday tomorrow.

So it is.

You want more housekeeping?

How much?

Oh, no, Sid.

I don't want you to know how much.

You might guess what the surprise is.

Don't look.

I wasn't looking. I was just stretching, that's all. A bit tight.

Here. Now, I promise you won't check your wallet.

Of course not. You know me.

Exactly.

Good morning, Daddy.

Morning. Are you ready, Mummy? Oh, just a minute, dear.

Daddy? Yes? I was wondering if you, um... Could you let you have some more

pocket money?

Oh, yes, please.

Me too?

Yes, for this week.

How come you're not telling us we're up early because it's only 12 o 'clock? Oh,

blimey, why should I say that? You're young, you need your rest. How much?

If you don't mind, Daddy, we'd rather you didn't know. It's supposed to be a

surprise.

I hope it's a better surprise than last year. I gave him a tenner, she gave me

three handkerchiefs, he gave me a pair of brown socks.

Thank you.

Incidentally, out of last year's tenner, what did you spend the other £9 .50 on?

Mummy's present.

I see.

Hang on, hang on just a minute. Come here.

There you are. Thank you, darling.

You owe me £1 .50 for services.

No chance.

No checking your wallet, Daddy. It's a surprise.

Well, of course not. You can trust your father.

Darling, if you're going to the pub now, we'll give you a lift in the car.

A lift?

I'm having the car. That's why I cleaned it.

you're not.

Your surprise is much too bulky for us to carry it around.

Is it?

No.

Oh, blimey, that's double eight, too.

Aye, aye.

Here he is, the birthday boy. All together, lads.

Happy birthday to you.

It's not till tomorrow.

Hang on, Sid.

How about a birthday drink, then? I told you it's not till tomorrow. Give me the

scotch. Ah, yeah, but you never come in on a Sunday, do you? You're too busy

gardening. We'll have ours now, thank you very much. Give him six pints of

bitter. Bitter?

We can't have bitter not on your birthday, see.

I'll have a whisky, please, Ben.

Scotch for me.

Scotch? Scotch.

Brandy for me. And a brandy, right? Scotch for everybody and a brandy for

several. Thank you very much. Thank God birthdays are only once a year.

20 quid here.

Ten minutes ago.

That present had better be a bloody big one. I've done it.

One scotch. Thank you.

Happy birthday, Steve. Hang on.

When's your birthday?

April. Is it?

We celebrate yours now. We'll have mine in April. Make them large ones.

Now this will be heard.

Oh, look at all that blood.

You've got to have some. Don't help yourself.

When you take a vital bit of a human and you stick it on a monster... How dare

you talk like that in front of your mother?

He's right, Sid.

You can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs.

Omelette? He's drinking the blood!

It's not blood, it's tomato sauce.

I'll give it. What is it?

It's Frankenstein's laboratory and it's in his castle. I'm not talking about

that load of rubbish.

I'm talking about my birthday present. Where is it and what is it?

Be quiet. You're spoiling the film.

You're joking. They spoiled that when I made it.

What's wrong with that?

He's going to stab her with his scalpel.

The blade is rubber and the handle is plastic.

I will not shush.

Now, two minutes past twelve and I'm the birthday boy.

I just said I'm the birthday boy.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday, dear Sidney. Happy birthday to you. There you are, now

Do you mind, Daddy?

Come on, Dad, cool it. Get out of the way. Oh, Sidney, I bet you're ruining

film. And if you want to know where all that rain's coming from, it's six

old firemen from the Tutney Brigade having a quick sprinkle with their

I will if anybody will tell me where my present is.

No!

You. I'm not telling you. Give me a clue, then. What colour is it? It begins

with B.

B.

Blue? No.

Brown? Sort of. Sort of.

Is it B?

Yes, it had to be.

That's a fella standing there with two coconut shells and he backers them

together.

Pretty clever, isn't it, really?

Ciao. It's brown, sort of, and it's big, and is it furry?

Yes, but not real fur.

Not real fur.

Right, so sort of brown.

It's big, and it's not real fur.

God love me, I'm stuck with a four -foot -eyed, bloody great teddy bear.

I'm going to hand myself a cup of tea.

And that was Percy Edwards.

Here, Joey.

You know what's going on here.

Where is it?

Oh, the pretty boy, then.

Never mind the flattery. Where have they hidden it?

Here we have it. Number two, Howard Road.

Joey, Joey, I'm the fellow that buys all your little mirrors and the ladder and

the bell.

Here we have it. Number two, Howard Road. I don't want to know who you are

where you live. Where is it?

Oh, the pretty boy, then. Sydney, Abbott. Two Howard Road. Oh, shut up.

night.

Looking for the teapot.

I don't care.

Doesn't matter.

Couldn't care less. I'm going to bed tomorrow.

Oh, it's vampire bats.

That's a fellow standing there with a bicycle pump bumping away with his thumb

up in the hole.

Mike, turn it off.

It was a load of old rubbish anyway.

It's no use. We'll have to put him out of his misery.

it in the greenhouse?

A bunch of flowers.

No, darling. Mike's gone to get it.

Here we go.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Sidney

Abbott. Happy birthday to you.

Thank you. From you.

matter about it.

I'll tell you this all my life.

I'll probably even sleep in it.

No, you won't.

There's only one thing, though, Daddy. It costs five pounds more than you had

your wallet.

You're very nice, Cochise.

I don't know what you're complaining about.

I'm not complaining.

I just happen to be allergic to nylon fur.

Every time I wear the blaster thing, I break out in a rush.

And I never stop stitching.

And I never stop scratching.

And I'm beginning to look like a bleeding monkey.

Oh, shut up. It's not funny.

Sorry, sir.

Every morning when I go to work, I have to wear it, so I don't offend the

family.

Then when I get round the corner, I have to stop, take it off, and sling it in

the back.

Then when I'm coming home from work, I have to remember to stop round the

corner, put the bloody thing on again.

Then I come in indoors, have to whip it off, fly upstairs, strip, and cover

myself with calamine lotion.

Blimey, don't they notice?

Of course they notice.

They just put it down to old age, that's all.

Well, why don't you tell them then?

I can't do that.

Blimey, I can't want to upset them.

I mean, after all the trouble they were doing, they were so pleased that I was

pleased with them. I mean, what kind of husband and father would I be if I slung

it back at them and told them it made me itch?

Well, I can't wear the bloody thing. What am I going to do?

Look, look, look. We're back. Right?

We're back.

Lower, lower.

Oh,

that's lovely.

Oh, thank you.

You look absolutely frozen.

We are.

I'm going to make some tea. I'll do it. I'm sure I'll never get warm again.

Oh, well, I'm off. Sit up.

Darling, you can't go out like that. Put your coat on. Coat? Who wants a wheel

of coat in weather like this? Lovely night.

What are you talking about? It's cold enough out there to freeze the... Hey,

hey, hey, don't you finish.

Where do you pick these things up?

From you.

Yes. Well, good night, darling.

Darling. Yes. If it's not cold enough for a coat, why are you wearing gloves?

Well, isn't that funny?

Poor Sir Rabbit.

I'll see you later. Get out.

Bye, Daddy.

Daddy, it's freezing out. Rubbish.

Hurry up, Shirley.

I think I've got the answer to your coat problem.

Yes. It's dead easy.

Nothing's dead easy in my life.

Hang about.

Is it insured? Yes.

Well, it's dead simple then, isn't it?

All you do is take it out with you, and then you go home without it.

What are you talking about?

Well, you lose it.

Lose it?

I can't do that. That's dishonest.

Look, if you don't want to be dishonest, wear it.

I'll lose it.

Thank you. Oi, three pay.

Oh, blimey, I only travelled ten yards. Minimum fare, three pay.

Oh, blimey, yeah.

You know what you can do with that.

Oi, flower.

No, no, no.

That's my coat.

There's your coat.

All I've got to do is change the buttons.

It's a lovely piece of sheepskin, too.

Should be for 60 quid. Yeah.

It's a perfect match.

All I had to do was change the buttons.

Yeah. Here.

See that?

Hang on.

Got it in. There you are.

A new set of choppers for you.

Thank you very much. You need them.

Now, where do you lose the old one at? I couldn't lose a bloody thing. Well,

where do you put it? Stuck it up in the attic.

You're amazing, though, Sid. I can't tell the difference. I can, mate. It's

fur.

How about 60 quid and 25 quid for the itchy one? That means your prezzy has

you 85 quid.

That's right.

Well, that's another lot of money, Sid. Not really, when you consider the price

of calamine lotion today.

What?

There you are.

Bread, sugar, eggs.

Now, are you sure that's all you want? Yes, ma 'am.

It's funny how I always forget something when we go shopping.

Yes, Sid always says that.

Actually, there was something else.

No, not tomorrow.

It concerns Sid.

Oh, you mustn't take any notice of Sid.

He didn't mean to be rude yesterday.

Oh, no, it wasn't that. No, it's just something Trevor told me.

He swore me to secrecy, but as you're my best friend, it doesn't count.

Well, what is it?

Well, come on!

It's about the itchy birthday present you bought him.

Itchy what? You know, the coat.

He's allergic to nylon fur, and every time he put it on, he brought him out in

rash.

So that's where all the calamine lotion went.

According to Trevor, he didn't want to upset you and the kids.

Oh, isn't he sweet?

Sidney Abbott has a noble streak in him. Yes, he hides it well, but it's fair.

Why did Trevor tell you? No choice.

I caught him going to the pub on Monday wearing two overcoats. I said, if you

don't want to spend the rest of the week sleeping in the spare room, you'd

better tell me why.

He told me why.

That's it.

Abbott, you're a wonderful husband.

Forget it. I'm skipped.

For what?

I agree with Gene.

Oh, we didn't that night.

Have you finished shopping in our larder?

Yes.

Good.

Do you hear that?

No. I did. It's your old man. He's calling you. He wants his tea.

I don't think I've got any.

Oh, dear, Gene. Help yourself on the way out.

Sid, you're working too hard.

Now, I want you to think... Sit down and relax for a few minutes.

How can I relax?

I've got a living to earn.

Well, you know best, but I've got to go out for an hour or so.

So don't work too hard.

I've got to work hard, haven't I, to support you lot?

that washing up. We'd better do it before Mummy gets back.

All right. I'll wash them. You break them.

Shh.

What's the matter?

Daddy's working.

Oh, look.

Sleeping beauty.

Doesn't he look peaceful? Like a baby.

Yeah. Like a baby prune.

I heard that.

I thought you were asleep.

Well, not really. You just rested me eyes. I don't believe you.

What do you mean you don't believe me?

Well, you never believe me when I tell you I'm resting my eyes every morning.

You're not resting your eyes, you're resting your backside.

What's all the shouting?

Mike made a little joke and Daddy got all upset.

Well, don't argue with your father.

If you knew what a kind and sincere man he is, you'd be very proud of him.

Aye.

You know that coat we bought him?

Yes.

Well, it brought him out in a rash because he's allergic to nylon fur.

Who told you a stupid thing like that?

Never mind who told me.

Well, why didn't you tell us, Daddy?

Because you didn't want to upset her.

Did you do that, Dad? Well, you know... It's true, Daddy. But it's all right

now. There you are, darling.

What's that for?

Now you can buy yourself a coat that doesn't make you itch.

Well, while you were working...

I returned the coat to the shop and got the money back.

Sixty quid?

No, darling, twenty -five.

Twenty -five?

Thank you.

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