Original subtitles

Thank you.

Come in.

Is that for me, Mr. Ruppers?

Ah, yes, Abbott.

What have you got there?

Complaint.

Complaint? Yes, about our drawing bins.

You can't open these new tins they put them in.

Nonsense, Abbott. Who ever heard of a tin that you couldn't open?

Yes, well, they are a bit stiff.

Now, the thing to do is to get a coin. Have you got a coin, Abbott?

And you... Put it under the lid and twist.

The trouble is, when you do that, you'll find that the... They

fly all over the place.

Yes, well, forget about them now. No, you can't leave them lying around, you

know. Now sit down and listen to me. Yes. All right, well, it's... Now

where the hell are you going?

I've got to get the first aid kit. Well, I don't need it. Come back here.

It's a chest.

I'll have to stop smoking.

Well, drink some of this. It might stop your coughing for a while.

I'll drink some of that and stop me coughing for good. It's full of drawing

pins.

Now, I won't beat about the bush, Abbott. I'd like to come straight to the

point. Yes, I saw that.

Abbott, I want your wife.

Your what?

I want her for the Amateur Operatic Society.

Oh, that!

Yes. Have you ever seen any of our...

Yes, I saw one a couple of years ago. You made me buy a couple... You asked me

to buy a couple of tickets.

Oh, which production was that?

Oklahoma or Desert Song?

The one where the scenery fell on you.

Yes, that was Oklahoma. It's a pity you came that night. Every other night went

splendidly. Oh, good.

Well, now, I happen to know that your wife has a very good voice.

I heard her singing at the office party.

Oh, that night? Yes, well, we'd all had a few, you know.

Well, we usually have a few before the show.

I know, I've seen you.

Well, it's up to you to persuade her. We're very short of people this year.

Yes, well, I'll have a word with her. Which show are you doing?

The Pirates of Penzance.

Oh, I like that one. Good.

Do you sing?

No.

Well, we're very short of pirates.

And, Abbott? Yes?

Anyone who wishes to stay with this firm is expected to rally round in a crisis.

No good me rallying round. I can't sing.

Abbott, sit down.

Mr. Humphreys, please. I've got a very busy week painting the bathroom.

Sit down, Abbott. Yes, right on, Mr. Humphreys.

Now, that was very good.

Very few men can hit that note.

Very few men want to, Mr. Humphries.

Well, I'll expect you at rehearsals on Saturday, Abbott. Mr. Humphries, please.

No argument, Abbott.

Saturday. Yes, yes. Well, that's what I said. Saturday.

Can I have my tempeh?

Well, I think it sounds fun.

You can go on your own. I'm not getting mixed up in it. Oh, come on, Feed.

I am not going to prance about on that stage like a bloomin' pirate.

Besides, you've got to paint the bathroom.

Mike can paint that.

Mike can do what?

Paint the bathroom.

I thought he was going to do it. I am going to do it.

No, you're not.

He's coming to the rehearsal with me.

What? You mean Dad's going to be in the show?

Yes.

Listen, I've got to see. Listen, get me ten tickets. I'll bring all the boys

along.

How dare they?

Does what?

I am not going to stand on that stage with him and his idiot mates in the

audience taking the mickey. They won't be, Sid. They'll be supporting you.

Yeah, I can just hear them.

Get him off.

Oh, come off it, Dad. We'll be right behind you all the way. I mean, it takes

guts to get up on a stage and sing, doesn't it? Thank you.

Especially with a voice like you've got.

Sid, now you've got to be in it. You promised Mr Humphrey. I did not. I

him you'd be in it.

Well, I'm not being in it alone. If you're not going, I'm not.

What about the bathroom?

Don't worry about that, Dad. I'll paint the bathroom.

It's all finished.

Don't tell me you've painted it. I'm never going to see that Barry again.

I've just rang him up and told him.

Oh.

You're not going out with him this afternoon, then?

No, of course I'm not.

Oh, what a terrible shame. Lovely afternoon like this.

Don't you get nothing to do?

Daddy. Just what are you getting at? Well, your mother doesn't want to go to

that rehearsal on her own, so you can go with her. You meet some nice young

fellow there. Take your mind off this, uh... Barry. Barry, I see, yes.

Sid, it's pirates they're short of.

Oh, and wear a beard.

And sing soprano.

I should be a different sort of pirate, won't you?

All right, well, I'm off. Get up.

Where are you going?

Here an ounce.

I thought you were going to paint the bathroom. I am.

You'll need a very long brush if you're painting it from there.

No, no, no. I'm getting some paint from Trevor on the cheap. Ta -da.

Goodbye. Enjoy yourselves.

It's his fault.

If he's not going, I'm not going alone.

It's all right, Mummy. I'll come with you.

Let us gaily tread the measure.

Make the most of eating leisure.

to do the power -ups. I seem to be the only one here.

What about your husband, Mrs Abbott? Oh, he'll be along to the other rehearsal.

Can we count on that?

I'll make sure of it. Well, in that case, Harper, I might as well run

number again.

Are you a pirate, then?

Yes, why?

Somebody said you were a policeman.

I am, but not in the show.

Oh, you mean you're a real one?

Yes.

Harper, I must have absolute silence. Yes, sir. Quiet!

Everybody, quiet!

I am the very model of a modern major general.

I'm thingamie and what's -her -name and thingamie and thingamie and what's -her

-name and thingamie and thingamie and... Excuse me, sir.

Didn't you read the right words?

I have the right words, Harper.

I bought the wrong glasses.

I see.

Here we are.

One lovely two -gallon tin of fine. Oh, that's great.

What colour is it?

Cherry blossom pink.

How can you tell?

Well, it's on the tin, isn't it?

So it is.

If you could read Japanese.

Look, there's a dab of it on the lid, isn't there?

Yes, that's very nice. Yeah, it's dead cheap, that. A quid for two gallons.

Where's it come from?

Japan. I know that, you quid.

Now, where did you get hold of it? Oh, well, there's this bloke at work, you

see. He's got a mate at the Merchant Navy.

And they picked a load of it out in Tokyo.

He had to paint the ship with.

Paint the ship? Cherry blossom paint?

It's not the outside, the inside.

They had a few things left over. They're knocking them out cheap.

You mean it's been nicked?

Of course it's not nicked. Are you quite sure?

Look, sure, I'm sure. Look, the bloke only gave me a bill, didn't he?

That's from Japanese as well.

Look, see, he's as straight as a die, but, I mean, if you're worried, you

have to have to... No, no, no, no, no.

I'll take your word for it.

When are you painting it, then? I'm not. He is.

Hang on a minute.

I said I'd paint it if you were in the show.

What show?

You mean he hasn't told you? It's none of his business.

Dad's going to be in the Pirates of Penzance.

He's going to be a singing pirate.

You're not, are you, Sid? Oh, yes, he is.

Why don't you keep your great mouth shut? Oh, blimey, I must say this. Here,

us a dozen tickets or get all the lads round from the air and out.

Oh, no, you won't, mate.

Sid! Yes?

Hello.

Hello, darling.

Sally met someone awfully nice at the rehearsal.

Oh, good.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Please do come in.

Oh, my God, not him.

No, Sid, no. He gave me a lift home. Daddy's gone out for the evening.

Where were you, Abbott?

I told you, I'm very busy painting the bathroom.

Oh, it's all right. I'm going to paint the bathroom now, Dad. So you see, Mr

Humphreys, you don't have to worry.

Dad'll be at rehearsals.

Yes.

You've met my loud -mouthed son, of course.

Yes, of course, sir. Nice -looking lad. Can he sing?

Great. No!

He's very good.

Splendid. Yes.

Oh, hang on.

Here's my mate, Trevor.

How do you do?

He sings as well. No, I don't.

Now, don't be modest.

He's very good. And I can rely on you to enlist them both? Definitely. You can

also rely on a very good audience, because they're both bringing all their

to watch them.

What do you think?

Yeah.

Perhaps it'll look better when it gets dry.

Yeah. It'll look even yuckier.

Well, your mother will like it. She's very fond of pink.

Pink? Yeah.

That's a Japanese cherry blossom pink.

That is tomato sauce red.

Why do you always have to argue?

I don't have to argue. Look at it.

Oh, Blimey, I don't know why I bother to help you.

You're not helping me. I'm helping you.

Well, get your mother up. You see what she says.

You know what she's going to say? What?

Yuck.

What's his name?

Who?

The policeman.

Stanley. I think he'll make a splendid pirate.

Oh, he's not going to be a pirate now.

Mr Humphrey's liked him so much, he's going to play the policeman.

Well, he should be very good at that.

He may pop round for a cup of coffee later. He's on the beat round here.

How's it going?

It's not going at all. I can't work with him. He keeps arguing all the time. He

keeps going on about that pint.

What's the matter with it? Nothing.

Lovely.

Sort of rich, warm... pink.

I'll go up and have a look at it. Good. I'll make some coffee. Thank you very

much. I'll have one as well.

The ring is valued at 500 pounds, and there's a 10 % reward.

Now, the next item to look out for is this.

Japanese emulsion paint.

is unmistakable. It's a rich red.

So anybody who offers you a tent of this on the cheap.

what I said to Dad. And he started jumping about like a maniac.

Hide it.

Hide what? That paint.

It's been nicked. Hide it. How can we hide it? It's all over the wall.

Well, scrape it off and hide it in. There's a copper downstairs.

Oh, that'll be Sally's friend.

You mean Sally's shopped us?

Nobody's shopped us.

He's popped in for a cup of coffee, though. Well, if he sees that paint,

going to pop straight out again with us in handcuffs.

paint is stolen. Every copper in London is looking for it.

Well, if you knew it was stolen, then you shouldn't have bought it. I did not

know it was stolen. I bought it off Trevor. Called up him when I see him.

murder him.

With that paint on your hands, you look as if you already have.

It won't come off.

Well, is it oil paint or water paint? I don't know.

Well, what does it say on the tin?

Yamahoko.

Yamahoko.

Yamahoko. Thank you, Archie Lee.

Don't worry, darling.

I'll go down and see him. Yeah, hurry up, please, and don't let him come up

here. Well, he's only popped in for a cup of coffee. Why should he want to pop

up here? Well, he might want to have a... Just don't let him come up, that's

all. How?

Just give him half a cup.

It's a big part, but I'm sure you'll be marvellous.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mrs Abbott. I think I may have given your husband a bit of a

Oh, really? Why?

slammed the door right in Stanley's face.

Did he really?

I wonder why he did that.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

It's very rude of him, Mummy, and I think Daddy ought to apologise.

Oh, he will, darling, I'm sure.

Yes, well, let's go up and see him. Oh, no, dear. No, no. No need for you to go

upstairs. I'll bring him down.

Mind you, some people don't like policemen.

Well, Daddy does.

I mean, he doesn't dislike them.

Just seemed a bit odd, that's all.

Well, Daddy is a bit odd sometimes.

Is he?

Well, not odd. Sort of accent -minded.

Hello.

Don't get up.

Enjoying the coffee? Yes, very nice. Thank you. Would you like some more?

No.

I wasn't asking you, Daddy.

Well, he doesn't want me either. He'll keep him awake.

I'm on night... Daddy,

aren't you going to apologise?

What for?

Yes. I'm sorry about it. The wind blew it shut. It's very drafty out, you know.

Is it?

Yes, it's drafty and it's freezing cold.

It is cold, isn't it?

Terrible.

That's why I'm wearing these gloves, you see.

But, Daddy, it's August.

Yes, I know, I know that. I mean, these are my summer gloves.

In the winter, I wear sheepskin.

Are you feeling all right? Not really, no. I don't feel very well at all,

really. I've got a cold coming on. Or, uh... Or, um... dinghy fever or malaria.

That's it, malaria.

I wouldn't come upstairs, would I? It's very dangerous.

Very catchy, malaria.

You're right, he is a trifle odd.

He's not usually as odd as that, though.

Good.

Well, anyway, how must we go?

Oh, do you have to? Yes, well, I shouldn't really be in here at all, you

I'm on duty.

Oh.

Anyway, thanks very much for the coffee.

And, uh... I'll see you at rehearsals.

Yes.

Daddy's coming for the next one.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

All right, well, cheerio. Bye -bye.

I can't get this paint off. Nothing shifts it. Oh, God, blimey. Where's the

Outside the window.

Careful!

Ow!

It was your father again.

He threw a tin of paint over me.

That's not all, Sally. I'm afraid it was stolen paint.

I told you I bought it. All right, then let's say you bought it in good faith.

Absolutely. And the point is, who did you buy it from?

Oh, God, blimey, how many more times? I bought it from a fella in the pub.

Hello, sir.

Anything wrong?

No, everything's lovely.

Honey, I saw this policeman. I thought you might have had an accident or

something. He's the one who had the accident.

I had a tin of paint poured over me. I said it was an accident.

A tin of stolen paint.

Stolen? Yes, Trevor.

Oh, God.

I mean, that's nasty, isn't it? Very nasty.

Now then, Mr. Abbott, the man you bought it from, would you know him again?

Well, that's hard to say, really. Can you give me his description?

Oh, he's about five foot eight. No.

No, no, no, no, he's not as tall as that.

Well, how do you know? Were you there when he bought it? Oh, yes, he was

weren't you, Trevor?

Yeah. And how tall would you say he was?

Oh, you know, about five foot two.

Five foot two?

Yeah. Because, I mean, they're not very tall, are they?

I mean, oh.

Who?

Japanese.

You never mentioned he was Japanese. You didn't ask me.

Is there anything else about him you can remember? No, nothing else. Except he

only had one leg.

But I can't wear this.

I'm on duty.

If it's dark, perhaps nobody will see you. Oh, that would be ridiculous. He

can't walk about all night wearing that. They'll think he's Mr. Plod.

Dad, could I make a suggestion?

No.

Sid, the answer's simple.

All we have to do is paint it blue again.

Of course, yeah.

That was going to be my suggestion.

Yeah, but can you match the colour? Any colour you like.

Mike spent five years at art college.

And he got a diploma in fine arts.

Isn't that funny?

I knew that would come in handy one day.

Come on, Stanley.

Here we are.

You sure it looks all right?

Looks special, eh?

Best thing he's ever painted.

It looks lovely.

If you should happen to bump into that chap in the park... Don't worry, I'll

keep an eye out for him.

Right, well, cheerio then. Ta -ta.

Excuse me.

I want a word with a one -legged, five -foot -two Japanese.

Now, listen, Sid, I know what you're thinking. You and your thieving mates.

No, it wasn't Nick, Sid. It can't have been. Of course it was Nick. No, Sid,

look, I've been thinking. I mean, that bloke offered me the stuff last week,

this lot was knocked off last night.

Are you telling me he'd taken orders for it before him, Nick, Sid?

Look, I told you, Sid, he's dead straight. I mean, I'll bring you round

You can see him. Yeah, do that.

Yeah, well, I will.

When he comes back.

Comes back, where's he gone?

Yokohama?

No, Southend.

Well, he's on his holidays for a fortnight. I can't do anything till he

back. Oh, yes, you can. What?

Practice singing. You're going to be a pirate.

Sorry I was late, but I got a bit hung up with all the gear, you know. All

right. Now, pirates, everyone, please.

Now, you all know we couldn't use the hall this afternoon because of that

jumble, say. And I think we owe Mrs Abbott a vote of thanks for letting us

our costume razzle here.

Now, we'll start with the policeman's chorus.

Oh, dear.

So you're a policeman now, Abbott? Yes, they found I had too many pirates.

Sit. Sit, it's here.

Who? Charlie, the boat from work, the one we got the paint from. I mean, I

didn't bring him in with all those people here.

Where is he?

He's just outside.

Well, I can't go and see him like this, can I? Well, of course you can. It'll

only take a second. Nobody'll see you.

All right, go on. You'll see him.

So, you see, this is what happened.

My brother Skipper bought this load of paint in Tokyo as a cargo.

Yes. Well, he used some to paint the ship, and it was when the rest was being

unloaded that it got nicked.

Oh, I see.

Are you satisfied now?

Yes. Thanks for coming round.

I've got some more if you like it.

No.

No, no, no, mate. Look, we weren't all that mad about the colour.

Oh, yeah, you had that terrible red stuff, didn't you? But I've got some

and some yellow.

No,

thanks, mate. I don't think I'm... Oh, my God.

What do you have, mate?

No, thanks. I can manage.

Oh.

You've done a good job here.

That's the lot that was hijacked of a lorry.

Oh, no, it's not.

No, no, he's right. It just looks like it. How do you know?

Look, he's buying it off me.

Oh, no, no, no, I've got a message in there. They don't have enough trouble

the first lot.

I... I think, yeah, I'd better explain.

I think so as well.

Yeah, well, to start with, I'm not really a copper. Oh, I see.

You are masquerading in a policeman's uniform in order to commit a felony.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I was a pirate.

You were what?

Harry, come over here a minute, would you?

He won't be a minute.

I'll go and see where he is.

We'll run through it without him.

All right.

Look, I'll give you one more chance. Get in that car or I'll sling you in. Will

you let me explain?

They need me for rehearsal.

We need you, Dan and Nick. Listen, listen.

Can you hear that?

There you are. They're playing their song. Oh, shut up.

All right, I can do it myself.

You don't have to start pushing me around.

down the stairs.

Are you all right, pal?

No, I'm not. I've sprained my ankle.

Oh, that's the end of shows tomorrow night.

I can't walk.

And Sid's been arrested.

Oh, don't worry, everybody.

Harper, think of something.

Just bear in mind that we are wards in chancery and father is a

major general.

Yes, yes, he is a major...

Major General.

I've information vegetable, animal and mineral.

I know the kings of England and I've put the parts historical from Marathon to

Waterloo in order categorical.

Thank you.

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