Original subtitles

Would you like an egg, Sally?

It's not on my diet, but I will.

Any bacon?

Yes, and sausage.

I'll just have two.

I shouldn't really, because they're not on my diet either.

Oh, darling, it seems to me the only thing not on your diet is you.

Is it?

Oh, Sid, you've cut yourself.

Well, my electric razor blew up halfway through. I had to use a little pink one

of yours.

But I've been trimming the bathroom line over there.

Daddy's in a mood.

Daddy is not in a mood. That is the usual happy, cheerful stuff.

Turn that rubbish off.

I'm waiting for a request.

You just had one. Turn it off.

Sid? Yes?

What would you like me to throw into your cage for breakfast this morning?

I'm not hungry, thank you.

Are you still mad at me and Mike? Yes, I am.

If you and that petrified log upstairs don't want to come on holiday with your

mother and me, we couldn't care less, could we?

Oh, no, dear. Yes, we could.

What's wrong with Torquay?

What's right with Torquay?

Don't answer one question with another.

Should I do that? Yes, you did.

Mike and I would much rather go to the club, Mediterrani. And you did say we

could.

Did I?

Oh, yes, dear. It was the third grunt last Monday at breakfast.

Whose club?

Mediterrani. Yes, tell me about it.

It's back to nature, Daddy.

Everyone lives in Groucho.

They use beans for money.

And everyone turns off their trammels.

You are keeping your trammels on wherever you go.

Please contact Sally for me, dear.

Morning, all.

He's up.

He's awake.

What happened? Did the mattress burst into flames?

Oh, no.

He's in a mood.

No, he's his usual happy, cheerful self.

Turn that rubbish off. Why?

Turn it off.

What's the matter with him?

Just for once, your father would like to sit down to breakfast without that

Scotsman.

What Scotsman?

Oh, you know, um, Terry Wogan.

Is this club?

Mediterranean. Mediterranean, thank you very much. Explain it. Well, it's living

in grass huts, using beads for money.

Yes, yes, yes, I've heard all about that. Go on. Well, it's back to nature,

It's a simple life. And all the girls go around topless.

Topless? Yeah.

Really?

Get in there, son. Fill your boots. Have a good time.

You are not going.

I won't be topless. Not with the competition I'll have there.

They're getting close to nature, Sid. How much?

48 quid each. That's close to rock.

But it's what they want.

I know it's what they want.

Where are they going to get the money?

Here it comes.

Well, you won't have to pay for it, darling. They've put an advert in the

paper.

You have put an advert in the local paper? Begging for money?

No, Sid, it's not like that at all.

Save it. Wait till I get back.

Sid? Yes? Your face.

Sally,

that could be our first customer.

You're right. Sally, finish your breakfast.

Mr Abbott?

His name's Roger.

Is it?

Three feet a day, not too much water, as I said on the phone. Talk to him as

much as you like, but please, watch your language.

I beg your pardon?

Now, give him a crust of bread in the morning, some millet for his lunch, and

likes a little bit of something before he goes to bed.

Don't we all?

Well done, boy.

Forgive me, look, I've got to dash. I'm in a hurry, you see.

I'm going to Wales for my holiday. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

See you in a fortnight, Roger. Watch your language now, won't you? They do

things up, see? A little bit of something before you go to bed, eh?

I don't want to come in!

All right, Daddy.

We'll be fine, Mr. Silver.

Silver? Not Long John.

Hello,

Roger. You know each other?

Well, not really.

This is our scheme for raising money for our holidays.

What, buying and selling parrots?

No, Daddy.

Looking after people's pets while they...

Will somebody please tell me what's going on here? Well, look, it's all in

there, Edward.

Hold that.

No, we might find it.

You hold him. Yes, you hold him. With a bit of luck, you can cop it. Go on.

Park a pet with us.

The Abbott Kennels.

Competitive rates all animals catered for.

Oh, no!

It's a very good idea, Sid, and they thought of it all themselves. They take

after their father.

Their father does not collect old birds.

You know what I'm talking about.

It showed great initiative.

All the proper kennels are fully booked up at this time of year. And they charge

so much.

We are not turning this house into a bloody... You know what?

They charge a hamster for bed and breakfast. No. How much?

£1 .50 a week.

With or without cornflakes.

It won't be as good, Sid.

They're not planning on having anything big and hairy around the place. Neither

did we. Look what we finished up with.

We charge one pound per budgie per week.

Get off that phone. We've already got a budgie.

I'll get it.

If it's another parrot, tell him to take it and get it stuffed.

Hang on a minute, Mike.

Can we do a discount on three?

Knock off 5 % if you have to.

Hello? Yes, that'll be fine. Good morning.

I did just on the road.

I've not agreed to all this.

No, darling, but you will.

I prefer the hare and hounds.

I miss the dartboard.

You always do.

What did you bring us here for? Look at the place.

No atmosphere.

Full of fresh air in there.

Oh, sit down, Sid. Stop mooching around.

How's it going at Animal Farm, then?

Very well, thank you.

It's near the dogs at night, you know. Some of the neighbours might complain.

They do yap a bit, don't they?

So do some of the neighbours.

It doesn't wake the baby, does it? Oh, no. Nothing wakes Dominic these days,

does it? He sleeps all night and chatters away all day.

Not real talking, you understand.

Just sounds and noises.

Takes after his mother, doesn't he?

You got it?

Woof, woof.

Oh,

shit. You know what that call is around our way?

Old Noah.

Old Noah.

amusing. Oh, what do you expect?

Living with all them animals.

You're beginning to look like a parrot.

Here you are. Dip your beak in there, son.

Not as much as some people I know.

Look, can we stop talking about animals and birds and talk about holidays or

something?

The canaries.

Ah.

Well, that's where Betty and Trevor are thinking of going this year. Think about

it every year. We never go, though.

You haven't booked yet?

Well, we were toying with the idea of staying with her mother on the Isle of

Dogs.

How do you feel about Torquay?

Torquay?

What's wrong with Torquay?

What's right with Torquay?

It's like a bleeding echo, isn't it?

We've had some very nice holidays in Torquay. It's a pleasant, well -planned

resort.

Over 80 pubs. You can go fishing off the pier.

It's a big mouth bass.

Not only that, mate, you've got to... Sid!

Why don't they come with us?

Well, it's not that good when you come to think of it.

But we booked for four ages ago.

And Mike and Sally can't come with us.

Betty and Trevor have nowhere to go. It's a marvellous solution.

Oh, if you're sure you'd really like us to.

Well, we'll have to pay for four, Sid.

They won't let us cancel it. Oh, no, no. I mean, we can't have that. I mean,

Betty and me will go off.

You will? Yeah.

We pray our whack.

Oh.

We'll be going in three weeks. Oh, that's great. I mean, I can take the

anytime. You did say 80 boozers.

That's all he could find.

Yeah.

You wait till there's two of us looking.

Yeah. Well. Yeah.

No, I don't think it's a bad idea at all. Cheers. Cheers.

Oh,

God. But their bloody beer's gassy as well.

You

didn't

mind me suggesting they come with us, did you, darling? No, not at all.

They'd be very good company, apart from her.

Look at this place. We ought to charge admission.

I'll let him be for a few weeks, Sid.

And Roger's owner comes back on Monday.

I'll miss him.

We've been having a bit of a go, haven't we? I've taught him a poem.

There was a young Scotsman called Andy.

Sid! How do you know?

If you know it, it must be.

You know something? I admire the kids for what they're doing, trying to make a

few quid.

It's worth all the inconvenience, really.

You know, Mike's been getting... up early every morning to take the dogs for

walk? I know.

It's killing him.

Yes,

I'll have that. Thank you very much.

Does it work?

No, darling, I did that. They're just ordinary fish. I'm changing the water

before they go back.

Well, what did you put them in the bloody bath for?

I mean, suppose you're not jumped straight in, Gordon. I was what they

have bitten.

I'm sorry, Gordon.

I should be very happy to see the end of this blighted menagerie.

Oh, come on, Sid.

Now, you quite... like the two corgis, and you were very fond of the parrot.

Well, I was getting used to him. At least he listened to me.

Which is more than anybody else in this house does.

Oi, here.

How much have you made up to now with this ridiculous caper of yours?

48 quid. And when I take Tiny back, it'll be 50.

Look, Sally, stop writing down figures when I'm trying to talk to you. Will you

please listen to what I've got to say? Then I'll have to stick another advert

the paper.

Oh, no, please, don't stick any. I mean, it's not worth it, is it? I mean, it's

only another week, isn't it?

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll make up the difference. How's that?

Oh, no, Daddy.

We just don't want your bread, Dad. Well, please take the money. Do me a

Just take the money, and I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll stick another ten

pound each for pocket money. How's that?

All right, Daddy.

Thank you.

And you, Mummy.

We'd better split.

You got something to tell me?

Yes, I have. Let's have it.

I'm going to buy you a new pair of swimming trunks.

Swimming trunks?

Yes. But I never go swimming.

You went in the pool last year. I didn't go in. I fell in.

Oh, that's right. You've been drinking.

Morning, Gene.

There she is.

Moby Dick.

When will you be back?

When I've spent all your money, darling.

Bye. Goodbye.

Hello.

She's chucking my money about like I had some. Oh, never mind, Sid.

Week on Monday, we'll be there. Lovely sun, dip in the sea.

We might even chuck up a couple of birds.

I just spent a fortnight chucking up a parrot.

Sorry, Sid. Excuse me.

Good morning.

Reverend Watkins.

St. Dominic's round the corner.

Is he?

Oh!

Oh, yes!

The church.

Come in, please. Thank you very much.

Go straight, sir.

Thank you.

I, uh... I haven't got my trousers on. I'll go upstairs and get some loose

change. Oh, no, no, no, no. Please don't worry. I'm not on this ground today.

Now, look, um...

I do, of course, know you're a good lady, but I don't think that you and I

ever... You are Mr Abbott? Yes, that's right, yes.

I do a lot of overtime, you know, especially on Sundays.

Why don't you sit down?

Thank you.

No, we don't see you in the church, Mr Abbott.

Yes, well, I must admit, you know, I probably haven't been there for, what,

seven years?

Is it that long?

Well, I don't know. That's how long I've been there, and I've never seen you.

Yeah, well, you know, I mean, well, you know what it's like working on a Sunday,

don't you?

Yes, indeed.

Well, of course you would, wouldn't you?

Yes, yes, yeah. Well, and I work all the other six days of the week as well, you

see. There's not an awful lot of time. What do you want, Vicar? What can I do

for you? Well, you see, I've heard that you're taking pets.

No, no, no, not me. That's the kids. That's their caper. And they're out.

Oh. Well, it's a wonderful example of Christianity looking after our dumb

friends. Hmm.

Dumb friends.

Trevor!

It's the vicar from... St Dominic's. Yeah, around the corner. Oh, how do you

I'll see if I can... No, no, he's not on the scram.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm here on behalf of the Friends of the Old Folk.

Oh, Betty's one of them.

Just joking. She can't be more than 38.

One of the Friends, not one of the Old Folk.

It's a charity thing, isn't it? Exactly, yes. We've arranged for 30 of our local

old -age pensioners to have a bit of a break, you know, a few days in the

sunshine, just so that they were able to face the winter.

Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?

And, of course, most of them have canaries or budgerigars or something

for companionship, and I wondered if you could possibly include them in your

ark, so to speak, just while they're away.

Ark?

It's a nice way of... Very nicely put, Vic, I must say. Very well done. Thank

you. Will you excuse me while I have a word with my bird advisor?

Of course.

Thank you very much.

That's very professional.

Help yourself to a scotch. No, perhaps not.

How do I get out of this?

Ah, ah.

You don't have to, do you, Sid?

Go on.

Well, say he's got 20 birds, right? Yes. A quid each? Yes.

That's, uh... 20 quid. Yeah, you're quick, Sid.

Now then, that is 20 quid you do not have to fork out for Mike and Sally,

Right? You're quick, too.

We'll do it.

Thank you, Mr Abbott. We've got to do something to help the old folks. Are you

quite sure? I mean, it's very short notice.

Well, it's the least we can do, isn't it? I knew you'd feel like that.

As a matter of fact, I've had our Meals on Wheels van out collecting the little

creatures all the morning.

Oh, then you're all leaving today, eh? Yes. Four o 'clock, but... Oh.

Oh. Fancy an ice cream, see? Yes, I'll have a chocolate.

As a matter of fact, I think that's probably our van.

Ah, right. Well, I'll get changed. I'll be right with you. Go on. Trev, you

carry on.

Hello, Tweety.

I'm Trevor. Pete. Hello, Tweety.

Tweety.

Vicky, it's a bleeding vulture.

Come on.

Make a fortune, Sid.

Oh, hello. Another treaty here.

Twenty -six, twenty -seven, twenty -eight, twenty -nine, thirty, thirty

Hey, that's over thirty quid, Steve. Seven, seven.

I've been thinking about it.

I don't think it's right. I don't think we can possibly charge her more than a

fiver for the lot. Oh, you're all hearts, Steve, you are. And last, but by

means least, Mrs Fraser's two blue tits.

Lily asked me... She asked me to tell you that they love being talked to.

We'll talk to them. Thank you.

Thank you very much, Mr. Abbott. It's a pleasure. And thank you, too. Thank you.

I must fly.

Oh, about money.

Oh, no, no, please, Mr. Abbott. You've done quite enough for the old folk

already. One can, of course, carry Christian charity too far.

Charity?

Well, if you both insist.

Most people have given a pound.

Thank you

both so much.

How did it happen, Steve?

I don't know how it happened.

You were drunk.

No, it was the vicar.

Oh, the vicar was drunk. No.

Folks, you know, that charity thing of yours.

The holiday?

Yeah, well, it's only a few days. They're catching a four o 'clock bus.

To the airport.

They're going to Mallorca for two weeks.

Two weeks?

He said it was only a few days.

in this one, a piano?

Are you sure you'll be all right, darling? Yes, yes, yes.

I mean, you wouldn't want me to die.

No, I couldn't fight taking all that luggage upstairs again.

But with the kids away, you'll be all alone.

Alone? You're joking, isn't it?

I want a buggy. Hey, how's the taxi doing? Good. Anything else you need?

Yes. Put all that luggage in it.

Oh, thank you very much.

So you'll join us in a week then, darling? All right, my darling.

Have a good time. Get yourself a nice suntan. Oh, I will.

And me, if I can find an open -air boozer.

Now,

don't forget, look after yourself.

I will, darling. Safe journey. I'll send you a postcard. All right.

Get out of there quick before she comes in there.

Bye, darling. Bye -bye. God bless you.

All right.

Lulu.

Lulu, I'll ask you.

There you are, Lulu, my darling.

There you go.

Yeah.

Vanessa.

Vanessa. Vanessa!

You haven't touched the other lot, you greedy... Hang on.

Mr. Abbott.

I'm sorry, mate, we closed down. No, no, I don't want to leave him here. I just

want to know who taught him how to say there was a young Scotsman named Andy.

Oh, he probably picked that up from my son.

I'm sorry about that. I don't mind.

You don't? No, no, you see, nobody's ever been able to teach him that sort of

thing before.

No, besides...

I can't understand the last line. You can't? No. Hang on.

Come here, Lodge.

Be a good boy if you want to sit.

You ready?

Lodge? Hey, here we go then.

There was a young Scotsman called Andy.

There was a young Scotsman called Andy.

Went into the pub for a shandy.

Oh, went into the pub for a shandy.

When he lifted his kilt.

When he lifted his kilt. To wipe what he'd spilt.

To wipe what he'd spilt. The barman said...