Original subtitles

Oh, Jean, come here quick.

Oh, dear.

Look at that, eh?

They knew how to make chairs in those days, didn't they?

Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?

Go on, you have a go.

Oh, it is nice and comfortable.

It's a pity you didn't let Barry look at it before you bought it.

I do not need that long -haired, cow -faced boyfriend of yours to tell me

it.

Well, it wasn't cheap.

I mean, after all, it is a genuine Georgian mahogany antique.

Not Georgian, Daddy.

It's Regency.

All right, then it's a genuine Regency mahogany antique.

I don't think it's mahogany either. I think it's beach.

That is mahogany. It's beach, Daddy. You can tell by the weight. It's mahogany.

You can tell by the colour.

Yes, but feel the weight.

Do you think you should have had it weighed before you bought it?

You don't buy antiques by the pound. They're not sausages.

It's full of woodworm holes.

Well, there you are.

That's probably why it doesn't weigh as much as it should.

It hasn't got woodworm, has it?

Well, of course it had woodworm. All old chairs had woodworm. That's how you

know when they're antiques.

Well, this one's still got it.

Stop banging it about.

Look, there's dust coming out of the holes.

That means there's live woodworm.

Sid, you've got to get rid of it.

live woodworm in the house.

It'll destroy everything. The whole house will be infested with it.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

I'll get some woodworm killer off Barry.

He's got gallons of it.

Has he got woodworm?

He could have anything under that beard.

He uses it on some of the furniture in his shop.

Well, you're not to go around to that shop.

Oh, Blimey, it's only woodworm. It's not the bubonic plague.

Go get your boyfriend to get some of that stuff and I'll fix it when I come

tonight. And just give that chair a little respect.

Whatever she says, that is a mahogany antique.

You see, my darling, I've got nowhere to stay.

Well, can't you find another room? Oh, it's not so easy. Once they find out

about Jason, nobody wants me.

And he's only a baby.

Well, how big is he?

Nine foot six.

Nine foot six?

Well, he's not big for a python.

Anyway, you've seen him.

Yeah, but only on stage when you do your act.

Oh, I just don't know what to do. I suppose I could book at the hotel, but

very expensive when you're not working.

Well, if it wasn't for Jason...

You could stay at our house for a couple of days.

You've seen my act. He just goes around me. He doesn't hurt me.

No, no, Mum and Dad would never allow Jason in the house. But they don't have

know about him. I keep him in a basket for two days and feed him at night.

Oh, Mike, darling, I would be so grateful to you.

Would you?

Of course, Mike. She can stay as long as she wants to.

I've got the stuff, Mummy. It's in here.

Oh, God.

Inject them with it.

Oh, Sally, they're so tiny, we'd never even catch them.

No, Mummy, you inject the holes.

Oh.

Yes, Mike, what were you saying?

Yes, bring around whenever you want to.

Too much.

See you.

It's OK.

Oh, Mike, darling, thank you.

Did you tell them about Jason?

Not likely. And if they ask you what's in that hamper...

You tell him it's your costume.

But that's what he is.

My costume.

Okay, babes, let's split.

Hello, darling.

Hello. What's this thing in the hall here?

It belongs to Zoe.

Zoe?

Friend of Mike.

She's staying with us for a few days till she can get a room.

What's she do for a living? Take in washing?

She's a dancer.

She's very nice. You won't be any bother.

Oh, thank you very much. You're doing a good job, dear.

That'll fix them. Now we won't have to burn it.

Have you been drinking?

No, it's this stuff.

What are you doing?

I'm treating the woodworm.

They can treat their bloody selves.

What's that, then?

Oh, Sid.

Here's the rambunctious.

I wonder what that one did to them.

I wouldn't worry about that.

They're probably all in their little holes, staggering about, singing Nellie

Dean.

Oh, hi, Dad.

I hope you don't mind about Zoe staying.

No, that's all right. Where is she? Taking a bath.

I'll fix the camp bed up in Sally's room. No, it's all right, Mum. She's

in my room.

No, she's not.

We're not having any of that.

Why don't you listen, Dad?

I shall sleep down here on the sofa.

That's different.

Why can't you share with Sally?

Because of our pie.

All right.

Yes. What sort of pie is it?

Uh, pork?

Pork?

Yes. You see, she's a compulsive eater.

That's right. She's a compulsive eater.

She sits up all night eating.

And, uh, on the way home, we went out and we bought this pie.

That big.

And she'll be sitting up all night eating it.

Get away.

Really. And munching away and making all sorts of incredible noises. And you

might hear them and you might think to yourself, I wonder what they are.

And she keeps it up all night.

I mean, if you're in the same room with her at night, you can't get a wink of

sleep.

How do you know?

Come off it, Dad. It's all right, all right.

Tell me later.

You find some very fortuitous birds, you do.

Well, now you do. decided where she's going to sleep. Will you take her things

upstairs? Yes.

Come on.

No, Dad!

Zoe and I can manage.

I thought she was having a bath. When she's finished.

Sid, will you take the basket upstairs before someone trips over it, please?

heard what your mother said.

Excuse me.

Come on.

What's she got in there?

Only her costume.

Costume? The one she dances in.

Dances in?

It's a bleeding miracle she can stand in it.

I might dance in it.

Come on.

What is she, a weightlifter?

There you go, Dad. Put it over there, will you?

Be careful, will you?

What do you mean, be careful?

Well, you shouldn't drop it like that. It's fragile.

What was that?

Nothing.

Nothing?

It's bumping about.

There's something bumping about in there.

No, there's not.

Yes, there is.

It's just done it again.

It's only a costume.

You've been bouncing about when she's not even in it.

See, Dad, it's made of rubber.

And, like, when you dropped it like you did, I mean, it's bound to bounce back

up again, isn't it?

See?

Stopped.

No!

You might damage it. How can I damage it if it's made of rubber?

Yes.

Oh, hello.

Oh, this is my father.

How do you do?

How do you do? Oh, yeah.

Just looking at your basket, there's something moving about in there.

Yes, it's your headdress.

The one made of rubber.

I hope we haven't damaged anything in there.

Oh, no, I'm sure you haven't.

Don't you think we ought to open it and have a look? No, no, no, it'll be fine.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get dressed.

Do you mind if I have a look?

You mean you want to watch me dress?

Oh, no, no, I... There's nothing wrong.

Oh, no, Mum, nothing at all.

Dad just wants to watch Zoe get dressed.

You?

I'm just looking at her thing. She's bouncing around.

Let me out.

I think you'd better leave. Yes, well, I am going. I just wanted to see her

thing. That's enough.

Yes, well, I went with the boozer, if anybody wants me.

That's not very likely.

There's something very peculiar about that bird.

Why? What does she do?

Well, she sits up all night munching pork pies and she's got this thing in a

basket. What sort of thing?

I don't know.

But it weighs 200 weight and it keeps bumping about.

Oh, blimey, sir, it could be anything.

I know.

Perhaps it's a dead body.

How could it be dead if it keeps moving about?

No, no.

There was this old Boris Karloff, the one on the telly. Oh, God, blimey, can

keep this conversation on?

reasonably intelligent level.

All right, so it was only a suggestion.

I mean, why don't you ask her, point blank?

I did.

But she's dead cunning.

She manoeuvred me into a very, very embarrassing situation.

What sort of an embarrassing situation?

Well, Jean thinks I fancy her.

Do you?

Of course I don't fancy her!

Could you fancy a bird who sits up in bed all night munching pork pies and

something horrible in a basket?

Are you sweet?

What?

Supposing she don't eat them pork pies herself?

You mean she feeds them to whatever's in that basket?

What sort of things live in a basket and eat pork pies?

Mice? Have you ever seen a mouse that weighed 200, Mike? No, I haven't.

And I don't bloody want to.

I see.

I see, supposing she's got a bloke in there.

What's she got a bloke for? She's already got Mike.

Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?

Open the basket and have a look.

Woodworm to me, Mummy.

Oh, dear.

Hello? Is that the woodworm extermination people?

Or could you send someone round right away?

Yes. Mrs Abbott to Howard Road.

It's very urgent.

Thank you.

Do you think one of those keys will fit?

Well, I hope so. See, don't we? It's an ordinary padlock, isn't it?

Yes.

Can you hear anything?

No.

But if you move that basket, it'll start bumping about.

Hello in there?

Can you hear me?

Could be asleep.

Why don't you give it a shake?

That's funny.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, I mean, it's obvious, isn't it? He's gay, isn't he?

Hang on.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

If there is a human being in there, not twice.

Four times enough.

What does that mean?

Must be two of them.

Can't have two of them in there.

Excuse me, but you're confusing us.

If it's just one of you, would you mind knocking twice?

Whoever you are, we've come to help you. Yes, don't worry, mate, we'll get you

out. Get busy with the keys. Come on.

Well, hurry up!

I'm sorry, Sid, my hands keep shaking.

Sid, is that you banging about up there?

I'm going to see what she wants. You get... Keep going. All right, Sid, I'll

keep trying.

Darling, I don't want to alarm you.

Do you mean we've got it upstairs as well?

What?

Woodworms. No, no, no, no.

Well, what have we got up there?

No, darling, hang on a minute. You've got to prepare yourself for what could

a terrible shock.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah

Control yourself. Now, hang on.

There is only one, isn't there? Oh, I think so.

Oh, it's all right. All we've got to do is wait for Mike and he's ready to get

back. Do you think Mike knew she had it?

Of course. It's obvious, isn't it? I mean, she used it in her act. She dances

with it.

How can you dance with a snake?

They haven't any feet.

It wraps itself around her.

So that proves that it can't be all that dangerous. Oh, can't it? You haven't

seen it, have you? It's got dirty great teeth on it.

Snakes don't have teeth, you fool. You're thinking of crocodiles.

Perhaps it's the crocodile's thing.

They have feet.

You could dance with a crocodile.

Look, it's a snake. I've been telling you.

It could be a python.

I think pythons have got teeth. But they haven't got feet.

Stop nattering all the time. Give me time to think. Hang on a minute. Where

you going?

I'm going to put the kettle on. You stay here. You go put the kettle on.

Right, now where's the key to that door?

Right, well, I'll just open the door for a second and I'll whip the key out.

You'll have your blooming hand off.

In that case, I won't bother.

But the window will be open.

Couldn't get out of that window, could it? Well, they got out the basket,

they?

won't do anything.

He'll have to ring the zoo.

I think we should ring the zoo and the police.

I am not ringing anybody.

Why? Because the bloody phone is in the old.

Oh, Sid.

We're surrounded.

Hang on.

Sit down. Sit down.

Keep calm.

Let me see if I can think of something.

I'll get this sorted out.

Hang on.

Now then.

Have you thought of anything, Sid? No.

Have you?

Who do we signal to?

Anybody who's passing by.

Right. Who knows Morse code?

Nobody, Sid.

Somebody passing by might.

You're beginning to sound more like your mother every day.

She's doing her best, then.

Daddy! What?

What about the fudgee?

Does he know Morse code?

No, no, no, no. She must try a little message round his leg.

to be much of a fight.

Well, perhaps it's not too late, Daddy. Perhaps you could still save him. Yeah,

and see, while you're down there, ring the police.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I've got a better idea.

What? Tomorrow morning, I'll phone the pet shop and order another budgie.

I'll tell you what, I'll make a cup of tea, then I'll come up and help you

All right, thank you, Jason. Brilliant.

Look, somebody's got to go, see? Better you'll wonder where I am.

All right, all right.

What you need, Sid, is some sort of protective clothing.

What I need is a Churchill tank.

Boom!

Jason's gone.

I know. I've just seen him. Where?

Down there, in that hole under the floorboard.

Oh, poor darling.

Somebody must have frightened him.

Somebody must have frightened him?

Well, I need some music to lure him out and my tape recorder's broken.

Hang on. I'll try and fix it.

I must be raving mad.

There you are, see?

Can you see all right?

Just about.

There's a right twit if anybody sees me like this.

Nobody can see you, Sid, except the snake.

Thank you.

There you are, Daddy.

What's this for?

To defend yourself.

Oh, I see.

So if I get one of the rings over his head, I win a box of chocolate.

Hey, dear, you throw the curtain over him. And then what?

Well, you hit him one with the curtain rod.

Only don't hurt him.

I'll do my best, because he's probably fatally injured already from fighting

budgie.

I meant the curtain rod.

Thank you, too.

Mrs. Abbott.

Mr. Abbott.

We had an urgent telephone call.

Oh, yeah. Come in. Quick.

Quick, quick.

Somebody must have seen it and told you to come round.

Oh.

Excuse me. It's your wife's idea, just in case it went for me.

Oh.

Who are you exactly? The 24 -hour destruction service.

Destruction service? Yes.

Oh. And you've come to kill it, have you?

But that's the general idea, sir, yes.

I'm not so sure we want it killed.

Well, what do you want me to do with it?

Well, I mean, I thought you might capture it, sort of, and take it away.

Capture it?

Oh, no, sir, no. It has to be killed.

That's the only way that you'll get rid of it.

Oh. Oh, well, you know best. How do you go about it, then? Shoot it?

No, we poison it.

Are you? Yes, sir.

Could you tell me where it is?

Came back. Eh?

I think.

It's in there.

Well, uh... After you, sir.

After you. No, no, I'd sooner go out after you.

Can you tell me where it is, sir?

I don't know where it is, mate.

Could be anywhere.

You mean it's all over the house?

No, no, no, there's only one of them.

One? Yeah, well, blimey, it's enough, isn't it?

Look, sir, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll come back tomorrow if you don't mind.

Stay right here, mate, I want to deal with it. All right, don't panic, don't

panic.

I'll deal with it.

A friend of mine, he got bitten by it.

Bitten? Yes.

Oh, no, sir, no.

No, no. If your friend was bitten, it must have been something else.

What do you mean, something else? Well, you know, something else. I mean,

perhaps your friend should have had his house fumigated.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Mr.

Abbott, I'm sorry.

I should blimmin' think so.

They'll come all the way here to kill it.

No, don't you dare. It's all right.

It's all right.

It's all right.

You don't have to worry. She can deal with it, can't she?

Yes, of course she can.

Oh, it's all right. It's under the floor. I'm going to lure it out for some

music.

That's much the best way, music.

Music. Very good, sir. Is it? Oh, good.

Well, I think I'll say goodnight, sir.

Goodnight. Thank you very much for coming.

I tell you something, I think he was dead scared on it. Oh, Mr Abbott,

nothing to be scared of. Oh, I knew that, yes. But the thing is, I need

My tape recorder's broken, and Mike's in the garage trying to mend it.

We've got a record player. Will that do? Oh, fine. All right, come on.

Ah, this will do.

He likes modern jazz.