Original subtitles

Hurry up with the paper, Sid.

Give me another cup of tea, please.

In a minute. I want to read my horoscope first.

You can't. I'm doing a crossword.

Well, you read it to me, then.

Taurus.

Same load of bull as yesterday. Forget it.

Oh, please, darling.

A risky time for taking liberties with the opposite sex.

Oh. So just watch it.

Well, go on. Be especially helpful to those closest to you.

That means you get me another cup of tea.

When you've finished reading it. And try not to get on your partner's wick first

thing in the morning.

Stop messing about.

You don't believe in all this rubbish.

I do if it's true.

That's logical, I suppose.

Yesterday they told me not to speculate, so I didn't.

Didn't what?

Speculate. Or do the pools, or have a bet or anything.

But you never do the pools or have a bet or anything.

I know.

But it's nice to know that if I had, I wouldn't have won.

Well, go on, darling.

Ah, close partners will be in a difficult mood this morning.

There you are. I told you it was always right.

Oh, you are irritable.

I am not irritable. I just want to finish the crossword, that's all.

Morning, Mum.

Morning, darling.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, seeing one of his moods again?

According to my horoscope, yes. Do you mind?

Is this going to last all day?

No, only for this morning.

Slow thinking. Slow thinking.

Six letters beginning with S. Oi, stupid.

I'll thump you.

Six letters beginning with S. Oh, I knew that.

Morning, Mummy. Morning, darling.

Hello, Daddy.

Mathematical snake.

Five letters ending in R.

Adder.

chance, have I? Oh, Daddy, don't be so irritable. I'm not being irritable. I'm

just trying to finish my crossword, that's all.

In peace.

I'll take it to the office and do it there.

Could I have the paper, then? I want to check my horoscope.

There. Dad, can I have the pot, please?

Here, that'll suit you better.

Oh, this?

Yes, yes, yes, I know. The woman's page, yes. Thank you, darling.

Do me a favour.

Give that to the budget.

What is it?

Pigeon racing results.

What about the goldfish?

You know very well they can't read.

Good morning. Can I come in?

No.

That's bad. You want to see him when there's a full moon.

You're trying to be funny like your brother. I only flipped round to see if

could borrow your morning paper.

You see, it's our dog.

Trevor's training him to fetch it, but it didn't work out.

What happened? Did he swallow it? He keeps chewing it up. It's all in shreds.

We're having the same trouble here.

You haven't got a dog.

No, Sid does, Howard.

He gets overexcited jumping up at the letterbox.

I warned you.

I only wanted the paper to see what my horoscope says.

We usually have a morning paper delivered here, not old Moore's almanac.

I had my fortune told yesterday by a gypsy, so I wanted to check the

today. What for?

To see if what she told me was true. If it is, well, it'll confirm it, won't it?

What did the gypsy say, then?

Well, for a start, she said I was going to have lots of kids.

Well, you better not hang about here, then.

Because if it does confirm it, you want to start boiling lots of hot water.

I don't think she... He meant that I was going to have them today.

Well, when you do have them, I think you'd better have a word with your old

first.

No laughing matter, Sid.

There's a lot in it. Yeah, a lot of cudswallop.

It isn't. A gypsy told my great -aunt Edith that she'd be run over by a car.

Your great -aunt Edith passed away peacefully in bed at the age of 90.

Yes. And as soon as she was buried, they built a motorway over the cemetery.

And his stopped dead short of the labour exchange.

Well, I was just dead lucky, wasn't I, Dad?

I know my future.

I can just see it. These two pushing me down to the post office in a wheelchair

to get their hands on my old age pension.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Sid. I think it's very interesting.

I'd love to have my fortune told.

Well, the gypsy's coming back today. I'll get her to pop round.

Will you?

Hey, Sid, I'm going to have my fortune told.

She won't come round here to tell you her fortune. She'll just come round here

to improve her own.

I used to tell fortunes by reading the tea leaves.

I got quite good at it.

Give it away.

Yeah.

Have a go at mine.

All right.

Very funny.

I know my future. It's full of little perforations.

Not in a very good mood to do, is he?

It's not his fault, Betty. It's his horoscope.

Rosie. Hello, darling. Oh,

no, I bet they're not, Sid. I've got to get home.

Betty's in a right state.

Put one in there, will you? Go on, sir, you're good.

You know, a blooming old gypsy came round yesterday, told her fortune.

Oh, no.

You're going to have 18 kids.

I'm not having any more kids. Ready is. A fortune teller told her. You what?

Make them doubles.

She's coming round to tell Jeans tomorrow. Hope she doesn't tell her the

thing.

What a load of rubbish it is.

Yeah, well, I don't know, Sid.

I mean, some people have the gift, you know, to foretell the future.

You're like your missus in a tea leaf, you are. Well, what about my auntie

Ethel, then?

Yeah, wait a minute. Let's forget it. Tomorrow's Saturday. Let's go fishing.

Have you seen the weather forecast for tomorrow?

Heavy rain and thunder.

If they forecast rain, mate, there won't be a cloud in the sky. There'll be

people tottering about all over the street suffering from sunstroke.

Yeah? Well, I don't fancy sitting next to the canal all day getting soaked.

I can see it. I'll catch the big one.

Like that it'll be. I can see it up on that wall there in a glass case.

Underneath it says, This monster was caught by Sid Abbott while his mate, the

twit, was sitting at home wrapped up in a raincoat waiting for it to pour.

Do me a favour, Sid. The only thing we've ever caught in that canal is an

army boot.

Well, don't mock it. It was a size 12.

You sure, Sally?

Oh, yes.

Daddy mentioned several times this week that he was thinking of going fishing

tomorrow.

Well, that's what the gypsy meant.

We can't let him go.

But what did she say, Mummy? I mean, what were her exact words?

Well, we sat here on the sofa and she read my palm and all those things and

she looked worried.

Beware, she said.

Beware of a loved one having an accident involving water.

She wouldn't say any more.

Why not?

I hadn't any more silver.

But an accident involving water?

Mummy, there's only one thing that could mean. You're right.

We've got to beware, as she said.

Your father can't go fishing.

Where's his tackle?

Under the stairs.

But what are you going to do?

Hide it. Where?

In the greenhouse.

But Mummy, he'll be furious.

Yes, but when he realises afterwards that he hasn't drowned, he'll be very

grateful.

If you won't come with me, I'll go on my own.

Well, look, if you want company, Sid, take Rosie.

Rosie? Lovely bit of bait.

I tell you what, if the fish don't bite, she'll get a nibble there.

Oh, Sally, this is the first time I've ever saved anybody from drowning. You

might even get a medal for life -saving.

Anybody else?

Oh, you're late, darling.

Yes, well, I got held up. Very heavy traffic.

In the Heron House?

Thank you, Sherlock Holmes.

As a matter of fact, I just popped in to pay my dues for the annual outing.

They have... the annual outing two weeks ago, Daddy.

This, I presume, is your assistant, Dr. Watson.

Well, Doctor, for your information, I just popped in to pay the annual dues

next year's outing.

Why?

Why what?

Why?

Oh, why?

Yes, why?

Yeah,

why? Well, because if I pay them early, then they let me sit up in front with

the driver.

What are all the questions for?

Well, I was worried.

I thought you could have had an accident or got drow... Got drow?

Yes.

Drowsy. Drowsy?

Mummy was getting worried because... because your supper's spoiling in the

And you might get drowsy.

Yes. That's it.

Hi, Dutch. Hey, you had quite a session in there, didn't you?

What is this, MI5?

Where did they have you posted? Behind the Asperdistra?

No, I was in the back room on the billiard table.

Ah, I thought you'd find somewhere to lie down.

Steve! Yes, I'm coming, all right.

What's the matter with you?

We've hidden his fishing tackle.

I don't want to know.

What's this?

I'm sorry...

Yes, I noticed that.

What is it?

Chicken. Oh.

Oh, thank God. I thought you'd cooked him.

Would you rather have a sandwich, darling? No, no, no. Just anything

going fishing tomorrow. I want to get my tackle ready.

Oh. Now what?

Why do you want to go fishing?

To catch fish.

I think it's an absolute waste of time.

Yes, you're probably dead right. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get my

tackle.

I don't want you to go fishing.

Why not?

Well, it's cruel,

isn't it, Sally?

Yes, that's right, Daddy.

How would you like it if someone tried to catch you by dangling a tasty meal in

front of you?

If it looks anything like what your mother just dangled in front of me, I'd

no chance.

Well, I don't want to be the daughter of a fish murderer.

This is ridiculous.

All I'm going to do is sit on the bank and dangle a worm in the water.

Not really.

Forced to hang about there all by itself, deep down in that mucky canal.

He can't even swim.

The worm I use can swim ten lengths of the municipal baths.

Don't be ridiculous. Not only that, when he gets tired, crawls back up the line,

takes off his swimming trunks and nops back in the tin.

There is no need to be sarcastic. Will you excuse me? I don't want to have to

use violence. Thank you very much.

Here we are.

All right.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The fishing rods, hooks, bait tin, nets, basket.

Would you mind repeating that?

Where is my...

Oi.

You have flogged my fishing tackle.

I haven't touched it.

Isn't that fantastic?

My only son.

Slave for years to work, to earn a living for him so he can go to school

clothe him, feed him. I do that.

What does he do? He flogs his... Dad, I haven't touched it.

Now he's telling lies as well.

Mike wouldn't do that. How can you believe that about a member of your own

family?

All right.

Who did it then?

Me.

What? I hid it.

Where? In your own interest, Sidney Abbott, I am not going to tell you.

You. In your own interest, Daddy, I am not going to tell you. Your mother just

said that.

Now then, who's going to... It's all right.

You don't have to tell me anything.

He'll do anything for money.

A quid.

No, thanks.

A nice, crispy, green winter.

Well, I'll tell you, Dad. It's in the greenhouse.

Oh, charm.

You were about to weaken.

How could I weaken? I didn't even know where it was. I was going to work him up

to a fiver.

So it's in the greenhouse, is it?

Sid, I don't want you to go fishing. I think you'd better tell him about it,

Mummy. Tell him about what?

It was the gypsy.

She told Mummy's fortune and warned her to stop you going fishing.

Why? Well, she said that a loved one would be involved in an accident with

water. So I thought, well, she thought you'd drown.

Give me strength.

We cannot take the chance, Sid.

Now, I'm determined you are not to go fishing.

And you know what I'm like when I get my teeth into a bee in my bonnet.

Your teeth into what?

A bee in my... Now, now, forget it. Forget it.

save you from drowning.

Oh!

Oh,

well, darling, if it'll make you feel any better.

Oh, darling, I'm glad you see it my way.

Oh, where's Sally's water wings?

Oh, Sid, you're not still going. Of course I'm going.

All right, then, I'm going too.

So am I. Me too. I mean, let's face it, the insurance company won't pay out

without an independent witness.

I appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night for a weather

You know I don't like thunder. It makes me nervous.

Don't worry, darling.

It's just the angels moving the furniture about.

Don't be patronising.

It's absolutely pelting down.

The weather forecast said there'd be a storm.

I know. Trevor told me.

Yes.

I've got it in here under the bedclothes.

Well, if this keeps up, you won't be able to go fishing tomorrow.

Oh, Sid.

The ceiling's leaking.

I can't feel anything.

You'll have to get up and do something. We'll get so...

Might be a loose tile or something.

That's probably what they said about the Titanic.

What do you want me to do, give orders to abandon ship?

Do you think there might be a hole in the roof?

Rising damp.

It's coming from the ceiling.

All right, it's falling damp.

Well, you'll have to get up into the attic.

hole in the roof, then you can stuff it with something.

What's a good idea?

What do you suggest, sage and onion?

You'll have to go and see. Go on.

Oh, God, blimey, what a way to spend a night.

Are you all right up there, darling?

Be careful, it could be dangerous.

Thank you.

If I had any blaster choice, I'd still be in bed.

Why is Daddy up in the attic?

Oh, nothing much.

He and Mum had a row, separate bedrooms and all that kind of thing. My!

Go and get an old blanket.

Thank you. Fortunately, there's a hole in there.

Like I fell through the ceiling.

You did?

I know!

It's all right now, darling. Mike's up there blocking the hole in the roof.

What with his head?

Now you just relax.

And tomorrow you can have a nice, peaceful day fishing all on your own.

But, Mummy, what about the gypsy's warning?

But it's happened, darling.

The loved one having an accident involving water.

The gypsy was right.

She was not right. She was a bloody day early.

And my breakfast.

It's half past eleven, darling. I thought you were going fishing at the

dawn. No, no, no. It's the crack of noon.

It's a bit early for the fish. They'll still be half asleep, so will Trevor.

Hello, Chris.

Are you ready, Chris?

Yeah. I'll just have this little rock, and we'll wait till Mike's finished

cleaning the car.

Would you like a cup of tea, Trevor? Yes, please. Stick a scotch in it.

What about the jersey there?

Thank you.