All language subtitles for Bless This House s05e01 They Dont Write Songs Like That Anymore

Little man, you're flying.

I know why you're blue.

Someone take your kiddie car away.

Get a load of sleep now.

Little man, have a good day.

You great clumsy lump.

You shatter my antiques. Get your
backside off there.

Oh, God.

Blimey, look what you've done here.

Did it.

You smashed a lot.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad.

I mean, it's not all my fault, is it? If
they were unbreakable, I wouldn't have

broken. They didn't make unbreakable
ones in 1938.

Well, that's your fault, isn't it, Dad?
You were born far too early.

I didn't have any choice. Well, you'll
carry on. I wish we had.

What's the matter? Didn't you like
those?

Of course I liked them.

I didn't smash him. This idiot did it.
It was an accident.

So were you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I don't know why you're getting so
uptight about that. I mean, you paid 50

for the whole lot and you've still got
the gramophone.

And it was a load of old rubbish anyway.

How dare you, a load of rubbish.

Well, in this day and age, you've got to
be with it.

They were with it. In 1938.

Oh, dear, did it take you long to get
fed up with those?

There you go, Dad. I'm off.

Where are you going?

Nowhere. Good.

Don't hurry back.

You know, Daddy, I don't understand you.
We've got a lovely stereo with speakers

and earphones. Do you want to listen to
that old thing?

My way, you don't get depth so quick.

Hey,

will you move that old rubbish off the
table, please?

Rubbish.

And your father.

One minute he's mad keen about
something, the next minute he goes off

Mummy?

Yes, dear? When were you in 1938?

At school.

Did you collect pop records?

No, it wasn't allowed in our house. The
only music we had was Jerusalem, and

Jesus wants me for a thumbbeam.

Well, you couldn't dance to those.

No, I didn't start dancing until your
father took me to the ballet.

What was he like as a dancer?

A cross between Fred Astaire and Lassie.

No, he was very good, really.

And he used to get up and sing with the
band, didn't you, Sid?

That's right.

Whispering Sid the Nightingale of East
Ham.

And he used to write his own songs,
didn't you?

That's true.

Unforgettable little numbers like, you
can have your whelks and cockles, but

leave my winkles alone.

Go on.

When you get to my muscles, you...

It was very rude, if I remember rightly.

Yeah, well, that's how they liked him in
those days.

Well, I think it's a pity you gave it
up. I mean, if you'd kept up with the

times, you could have made yourself a
lot of money and gone in for that

competition. What competition?

This one.

Write a pop song.

The winner gets £3 ,000 and there's ten
consolation prizes.

I could write a pop song standing on my
head.

Well, stand on your head in that corner,
darling. I'll give you a pencil and

paper. No, I mean it.

I don't know why I didn't think of it
before.

But you don't know anything about pop
music.

I've had enough pop music round down my
ear to last me a lifetime.

There is nothing I don't know about it.

Before you get carried away, darling,
will you take the gramophone up, please?

Pop songs?

Piece of cake.

You can have your welks and cockles, but
leave my winkles alone.

And when you get to my muscles, you...

Where's Daddy?

Upstairs, composing.

Composing what?

A pop song.

You're joking.

I wish I was.

What are you talking about, Mum?

He's going to write a pop song for that
competition and win £3 ,000.

It's as simple as that.

I'll put my name down for a few, Bob,
then.

But Daddy's serious.

He's going in for the competition and he
thinks he's going to win it. He is so

far behind the pop scene, he didn't even
catch up with the Charlestons.

Gary Glitter.

I'll thump you.

Now, don't get aerated, darling.

Where are the aspirin?

In the desk. Oh, yeah.

I've got a shocking headache.

Well, lots of composers had their
troubles, Dad. Look at Beethoven.

He was deaf.

So will you be when I burp you round in
your arm.

Yes, Daddy. And look at Shostakovich.
Who?

Shostakovich.

Shostakovich?

Oh, yes, left back for Yugoslavia.

I didn't know he wrote music as well.

Lunch won't be long.

I'm not having any lunch. I'm going out.

What for?

To buy a piano.

We had a piano for 15 years. No one ever
touched it.

We gave it to Oxfam.

Well, they are. It's probably been eaten
by now.

Why do you want a piano?

To compose on.

play the guitar.

You can't play the piano either.

I may not even stick to pop music. I
might go straight for the classical

Well, if Beethoven was alive, he'd be
glad he was deaf.

If Beethoven had been any bloody good,
he'd have won three thousand and bought

himself a hearing aid.

Any money in that? Oh, a fortune.

If you've got the talent, you know.

Go on. Yeah.

Hang on.

What about this lot there?

Uh, yeah, well, uh, you know in the
sheet music where it says tap it?

Yeah.

Well, that means silent.

Oh. And that's where you play bass.

You think I'm a mug, don't you?

Oh, blimey, you've got a few fun notes
here.

Wheel machine there.

Chunk of wood gone there.

Oh, well, that's because it's antique,
sir. Yes?

I'll tell you something. This thing
can't be worth more than what?

Twenty quid.

Oh, you're too hard on our party, sir.

All right.

Mind the woodwork, please. Turn it round
there. Turn it round there? Yeah.

Mind the paper.

Mind the paper.

Oh, that's it, lovely. Thank you.

Thanks a lot, Gough.

I can't think how it would have managed
without your help.

Pleasure.

Come on. Hang on. Hang on.

I can't help thinking it would look
better over there.

I know, Gough. Believe me. This is the
right place for it, honest.

You think so? Yeah.

All right, then. Hang on.

Get yourself a drink. Oh.

And buy him a stick of barley sugar on
the way home.

He needs it.

Come on, Lucas.

Here. Worth every penny of 20 quid, that
is.

You don't have to tell me, mate.

Come on, my little beauty.

Blimey, I bet a few people have tickled
your arteries, eh?

Who needs a guitar?

I'm home.

I'm in here.

What's that?

What's that? It's a piano.

It's a four quid.

Does it still work?

It works. You don't think I'd spend all
that money otherwise, do you? Hi, Dad.

Where did you get this?

Noah's Ark.

What is it?

What does it look like?

A piano.

It's getting on a bit, isn't it?

Oh, bloody, this is a very good piano.

It must have cost a good 100 guineas in
1932.

You sure it wasn't 1832?

All it needs is a bit of tuning up.
Means good, isn't it?

I'll bet she could tell a few tales.

I'll bet she's seen a few things that
made her strings curl.

You remember that can I used to have in
my front room? And a broken down old

sofa. And how you used to complain every
time that spring suddenly shot up in

the middle.

You had some bruises. It's a very funny
place.

Yes?

Here we go.

Listen to this.

Why don't those three make a noise?

These three?

You know, in the sheet music when it
says, Well,

that means silent.

Yes. And when you see that in the music,
you play these three.

Oh.

Listen.

Yeah, and he played his first magic note
at ten to seven.

What time is it now?

Ten to ten.

Perhaps he'd like a coffee break.

Sid! Yeah?

Would you like a coffee break?

No, thank you. I'm just getting going,
then.

Sid! What?

Would you like to take the dog for a
walk?

We haven't got a dog.

Oh, blimey, hang on.

Hang on?

I've been hanging on for three hours. I
wanted to have a lay -in this morning.

What's all the shouting about?

Oh, nothing, dear. We just don't want
you to overtire yourself, that's all.

Don't worry about me.

I should probably be at it all day.

The piano tune is coming this afternoon.
He's bound to slow me down a bit, and

I've got to get that thing in the post
by the morning.

I don't think you need to worry about
the music so much.

If you read the paper, I think you'll
find it's the words they're more

interested in.

After all... How many people can write
words and music?

That's true.

Very few of us.

So, I'll do the words and the music.

Oi. Oi.

Oh,

sorry, Dad.

That's better.

You, um... You wouldn't like a small ten
-pound bet on this, Tom, would you?

Where are you going to find ten pounds?

If I win, from you.

And if you lose?

From Mum.

Where are you going to find it?

From you?

No bet.

Shut the door.

Siddy?

Yeah,

I've come to see the piano.

Sounds very good, doesn't it?

Sid? Who?

Your tone -deaf friend is here.

over Jerusalem.

Well, Jesus wants me for his sunbeam.

Well, if he doesn't, I can teach him.

Hi, Sid.

Hello. Come to have a listen, have you?
No, I can't have a look. I can hear it

next door.

Haven't you got a soft pedal? Yeah.

Fell off.

Look at that.

Twenty nigger.

Twenty quid? Yeah. I saw one like that
outside a junk shop. Only a fiver. Very

similar. Probably rubbish.

Oh.

Hey. Yeah? I'm a bit musical, you know,
Sif. Yeah?

Do you mind?

No,

I mean, I was in the school choir.

Yes. I was doing all right until my
voice broke.

When was that?

Well, I was playing in the park on the
seesaw and this bloke suddenly jumped

the other end.

Here, I'll shift that. Let's have a go.

You ready?

Ready. Do you know the folks that live
on the hill? Yeah, yeah, I do. Well, go

and visit them, I'm thinking.

Walking in the rain.

Walking down, down the drain.

How are you getting on, dear?

I'm not getting on.

Can't you nip without clicking those
things?

I can't hear anything.

Well, I can, and it's putting me right
off.

Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.

Hello, darling. Did you have a good day?
Oh, lovely, thank you. What did you do?

Well, I went to the pictures. Do you
mind, please?

We've got to talk, Sid.

Is that my sweater, Mummy? Yes, isn't it
a pretty colour?

Oh, it is, but do you think it's going
to be wide enough? Excuse me. Oh, yes,

darling. I do hate intruders, you know,
but... How can I work with you two

nattering on?

Put those on.

What's a good idea?

Thank you.

You can talk as much as you like. I
can't hear a thing.

You'll have to excuse your father, dear.
He had an argument with the piano tuner

this afternoon.

What did he say about Daddy's piano?

Burn it.

So he's a bit upset. He wants them peace
and quiet.

It's like a morgue in here.

Can you see me now?

Yeah. Pull the plug out.

Switch it off!

Why don't I get a tent and go work in
the garden?

I wish you'd never started it. Don't
worry, Mummy. It can't go on much

It's got to be in the post by tomorrow.

Evening, all. Hello.

What's he listening to?

He's not listening to anything.

Well, he's certainly enjoying it.

Does he do it all the time?

He started today.

Well, I hope it's not catchy.

It's making me very nervous.

I reckon not. I mean, it's half past
five opening time. I can take him down

the pub. I'll be right with you.

I thought you couldn't hear.

I read his lips.

I'll do it with a few scotches. Give me
some ideas.

I know the ideas you get on a few
scotches. Don't worry about it, my

told you that song will be finished
tonight.

Have I ever let you down?

June.

Moon.

Spoon.

Monsoon.

Monsoon?

Yeah, what's the time, Sid?

Quarter to eight.

How are we doing?

Have you got the title? No. You've got
the first line? Yeah.

What have you got? Bloody a leg.

Which leg?

Both of them.

Now then, what rhymes with lips?

Chips.

You can't have chips in a love song
that's going to win 3 ,000 neckers.

Well, of course you can.

Like, offer me your lips and I'll show
me fish and chips.

Come and have a natty. You can never let
me batter.

Have a glass of rum and I'll let you pat
me. No,

I should not.

Hi. The lips?

Yeah, I've got it. How about nips?

Good idea.

Two large scotches, a couple of pints
and get one for the governor.

It's his birthday.

What, again? Again.

What was that one I wrote about dancing?

Oh, yes, there.

She always let him kiss her in the
conga.

They'd never let the oaky -coaky pass.

In the rumba, she'd go crackers when he
showed her his maracas.

After your glasses, gentlemen, please.

All right, guys. Happy birthday.

We'll finish it at that, mate.

Right on, Nessie.

That's it.

That's it.

Trev.

Trevor. Hey, Trev.

Trev. No.

Well, not again, Betty.

It's me. I got it. You ready?

Yeah. I love Bertha Brown.

She's the biggest girl in town.

It's her bust that made the fellas all
turn around.

It's a pity she's lopsided.

It's the way that they're divided.

One way's nothing and the other way's
temper.

Oh, that's the one. That's it.

We'll put it in an envelope and... Off
you go, then.

You're up early.

his letter on the table. I just popped
out to post it.

Letter? Yes.

The song for the pop contest.

He said he'd do it, and he did.

You should have seen his handwriting.

It was so shaky, I could only just make
out the address.

Did it look as though he'd just started
school?

Yes.

He'd had eight whiskies.

How do you know that?

Because if he'd had ten, you wouldn't
have been able to read it at all.

What time did he come to bed?

Half past five.

Did he say anything about the song?

He just moaned about falling into the
fireplace twice, and his last words

be gentle with me.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I feel shocking.

You look shocking. Thank you.

Been up all bloomin' night trying to
finish that song.

Well, you did finish it.

Did I?

Sally posted it this morning.

I don't remember anything at all about
last night.

Well, you should do. You stuck a whole
book full of stamps on the envelope.

Oh, it probably happened while the
balance of my mind was disturbed.

Very likely.

Do you want your breakfast?

What is it?

Bacon, sausage, tomatoes, eggs.

Oh, God.

I'm going straight back to bed.

Do me a favour.

Call me a week Thursday.

Think about these, son.

Oh, no, Mummy, they're not right.

Look, I think these wooden ones are
better, you know. Really?

Where's Dad this morning?

Where he's been every morning this week,
waiting at the gate for the postman.

How can he possibly expect to win that
competition when he can't even remember

writing the song?

Well, you never know.

Eight whiskies might have brought out
some hidden talent.

No way.

For hidden talent, dear, he needs 34
whiskies.

Yeah, I've won. Look, from the
competition people.

A little better.

Oh, Dad, they're not going to send you 3
,000 pound notes in a park, are they?

Shut up and listen.

Dear Sidney.

Dear Sidney.

Thank you very much for sending us your
unusual song.

You will be pleased to hear that you
have won a special prize which is in the

parcel.

It's in there.

Oh, Steve!

Hang on, hang on, there's more.

Tell Mummy that we thought your joined
-up handwriting was very good.

And almost like a grown -up.

Have fun, Uncle Toby.

P .S.

Always ask Mummy or Daddy before you
stick stamps onto an envelope.