Original subtitles

All this and Christmas too. VTR 2395, part one, take one.

She's upstairs resting, love.

Oh, I'll be glad when this baby arrives.

Never mind, it won't be long now.

Oh, Mum, wouldn't it be great if it arrived in time for Christmas? Well,

still another week to go. We'll just have to wait and see.

Oh, Linda, you're not putting that stuff on your eyes again. Yes, why not?

Well, you know what your father thinks about it. Oh, I know. According to him,

it'll turn me into a scarlet woman.

Linda. Sorry, Mum.

Isn't he back from that children's party yet? No, I wonder what he... gone out

this year? Remember last year? He painted his nose red and went as William

Conqueror. Oh, I know.

He'd do anything for those orphans.

Well, now, look, dear, I'm going out. Now, make him a nice cup of tea when he

comes in, because he'll be ready for it. But nothing stronger.

I want you to finish putting up the decorations.

Oh, and, Linda, I've spilt some tacks over by the fireplace.

See if you can find them, love, will you? Right, Mum.

Oh, Mum?

Any chance... any funds like money? Oh, you must be joking.

You've got all you're going to get out of me, young lady. Try your father. Do

that bit about being the baby of the family and the light of his life. It

failed yet.

Cheerio, love. Bye.

laughing at me. I'm not surprised. You didn't walk through the streets like

that, did you? Certainly not. I come on the bus.

Have

you

been putting that Cascara on your eyes again?

Mascara. Cascara, Mascara. What are people going to think if they see you

walking down the street like that?

What about you?

Oh, yes, I forgot.

Get me out of it.

That's it.

How did the party go?

Oh, great. The kids had a good time.

I got ice cream in me intercom, orangeade in me oxygen tube, and I got

at me computer.

There we are.

That's it.

Where's your mother?

Out shopping. She said I could make you a cup of tea. Tea?

I'm having something stronger than tea.

Funny place to put taxis. Where are my slippers?

Here.

Thank you. Next time, put your dummy if I haven't put them on the shelf.

Thank you.

What the hell is that?

The new group, Dad. They're called the Hell's Angels.

And that's where they ought to be. Switch it off. Oh, Dad!

Switch it off!

How do you expect me to catch up mouse with that racket going on?

Did you set the trap? No. You and that mouse...

How's Sally?

She's fine. She's resting.

You sure she's all right?

It's not due for at least another two days. It's not worrying, Dad.

Well, somebody's got to worry. I mean, you're playing records. Your mother's

shopping. Sally's up there resting.

Her husband's out in the Far East with the Air Force. I'm the only one who

cares. Dad, I told you, at least another two days. Oh, yes?

And how do you know so much about babies?

Well, you see, Dad, what happened is... I know exactly what happened.

Dad? Yeah?

Are you in a good mood, Dad? No, I'm not. And don't do that.

Dad?

Yes, what?

As you know, I'm the baby of the family.

The light of your life.

How much?

Well, you see, Dad, it's to buy you a Christmas present.

You want me to give you money to buy me a Christmas present?

What about the money you earn babysitting?

Go on.

Anyhow, it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts.

And how much of a thought do you have in mind?

I'd be laughing my head off for a fiver.

See if you can work up a grin for a pound.

is Cyril.

Oh, I met on Tuesday. It's his birthday on Friday.

Yeah, well, tell him I said many happy returns.

Mr. C, I thought it'd be a good idea if I got him a razor.

Here.

Here's ten pence. Get him some sandpaper.

Thanks, Dad.

You're the best father in the whole world.

Don't do that.

Don't worry.

I'll look after you when you're old and poor.

Yes, you keep on and that won't be long.

C? Yes?

Oh, you're in. Willie, you're psychic.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hello, Linda.

Hello.

Do you mind if I have a word in private with your father? Well, I was going

anyway. Oh.

There's something else I'd like to ask your advice on, you see. Yeah, what?

Well, and I mean this sincerely, Sid. Yes. To me, you've always been a man of

the world.

Oh, well, I don't know everything, Willie.

What is it you want my advice on? Chocolate?

Cosmetics? No, nothing like that, Sid.

It's... 90s.

90s? 90s. You see, I want to buy Emily one of those nylon negligents.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, they call them negligays.

Well, that's just me, isn't it? I knew you'd know all about it, Sid. No, I

know all about it. Oh, well.

Tell me, what does Peggy wear in bed at night?

Well, last night, as a matter of fact, she didn't have a bloody thing. What's

she got to do with you?

Oh, please, Sid.

I'm not trying to pry.

I should hope not.

No, I mean, I just wanted some help, you know. No, Willie, I'm not going into

any ladies' shops looking for nighties. I'm sorry. Look, Sidney, please.

You don't have to.

You see, look. Look.

You see, I've got a... I've got a vast selection of ladies' nighties at home.

Have you? Yeah.

You're not going strange, are you?

Of course not.

The girl next door gets them for me, you see.

Do you know why?

I mean, I thought if I brought them in, you could help me choose.

You hear that? Did you hear a snap?

No. Of course you didn't. Your head's too full of negligence.

That was the mouse trap, mate. I've caught that mouse.

He squeaked his last squeak. You stay there. I'll bring you his head on a

What's all the shouting about?

Oh, Linda, it's your daddy. He thinks he's caught the mouse. Oh, thank

It is life after... Ambition to catch that mouse. Yeah.

Linda, you haven't heard any sort of rumour going round about our milkman,

you? What kind of rumour?

Hey, well, it seems he wouldn't stop short. Oh, hello.

Got it?

Well, that's a big white hunter get mighty mouth. I missed him. I got a

his tail.

That's the second piece of his tail I got.

See that?

That's the latest model. Stainless steel.

Automatic spring loading. Double trap. Cost 200 pence. And all it can catch is

that.

Working out about 45 bob a yard.

Why don't you try some other method of killing him?

Like what?

Karate?

Just imagine that, can't you? I can just see you going up to that mouse and

going, Ha! So!

Have you finished?

No, just nodding.

Why don't you poison him?

Poison? Are you a sadist or something? Poison, he says.

He may only be a mouse, but he's entitled to as much chance as anybody

I'll catch him, don't you worry. Get me some cheese, darling. There is no

cheese, Dad. Well, get some bacon. He loves bacon. We have the bacon for

breakfast. There is a matter for you. No cheese, no bacon. For all she cares,

that mouse could starve to death.

Well, why don't you try something different?

A prawn cocktail?

I can just see that, can't you? A mouse with a prawn cocktail, knife and fork.

Oh, shut up, Willie.

Oh, I'll go.

Oh, try not to get it before I get back. I want to be in at the kill.

You will be, if you don't watch it. Right, Sid.

I'll wait next door, get the nighties. And you will help me to choose one,

you? Yeah, provided you don't want me to try it on. Oh, that'll be a... Oh, you

look very nice there, actually.

A little bit of black lace across the... Like that, you know. All right, Sid,

I'll go and get them. Excuse me.

More cards, Dad.

More cards? I'm running out of walls here.

This one's got a photograph on the front.

It's a picture of a very fat lady and... Oh, it's Aunt Maud and Uncle Norman.

I might have known.

Only your Aunt Maud would put her photograph on a Christmas card.

It says, this is darling Norman and me standing outside our new luxury

Oh, it's a big bungalow, Dad.

It would have to be if you could see it behind Maud.

All the news when I see you on Saturday.

Lots of love. Wait a minute.

Just read that last bit again.

All the news when I see you on Saturday.

Oh, no, not Maud. Not on Christmas Day.

Oh, by the way, Dad, have you got Mum a card?

No, I don't have to get your mother a card. She knows how I feel about her.

What? I know she's got you one.

Come on, Dad.

I'll get it for you.

How much? Pound.

Oh, don't be a pound.

I shall be very happy when Christmas is over. Thanks, Dad.

What little card would you like? The ones that say, to my wife, or to my

wife, or to the one I love?

Just get a snow scene.

Hello, Dad. Where are you going? Out on a secret mission, right, Dad?

Oh, Sid, haven't you got those decorations up yet?

Never mind the decorations.

Would you mind explaining that card to me?

It's a photograph of Maud, isn't it? Yes, Peg, it is.

Does she mention about coming here on Christmas Day?

Yes, Peggy, she does.

Oh, you see, Sid, we haven't seen her for about three years, and Norman's away

on business, and she is my cousin, and it's Christmas, and... Well, you can't

say that Maud's not generous. I mean, after all, every year she sends the

children something.

Maud's very big in that way. Maud's very big in every way.

You couldn't have thought that at one time when you were sweetheart. Oh, cut

out. We were not sweethearts. We went out a few times, that's all. I think she

still fancies you. Well, I don't fancy her.

Did you get some cheese? Yes, I did, love. I got a nice bit of Cheshire.

Cheshire? Now, you know the mouse doesn't like Cheshire.

Oh, I forgot.

Yeah, you didn't forget them in Maud.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what you put into that trap. You're never going to

catch that mouse.

He's far too clever for you. Oh, that's it. Thank you very much. Degrade me in

front of him. He's sitting in there listening to every word you say.

Look at these little sides laughing here. All right.

All right, mate, you laugh.

Just remember, you laugh, laugh, laugh.

You'll have Cheshire and like it.

Perhaps when I'm out, you'll finish putting up the decorations. What do you

mean, out? You've only just come in. Well, I've got some more presents to

More presents? What about that lot there? Oh, they're just bits and pieces.

I've got a lovely dressing gown for Sally. Yes.

And don't you open any. Your present's there.

Mine is? Mm -hmm.

Right there? Yeah.

One of those, is it? Yeah.

Which one, Peg?

Um, that one.

No. No.

That one. No, that's it there. Oh, yes. No, no, no.

Underneath.

Yes. Well, it's not a lawnmower, is it?

Hand it over.

It's not to be opened till Christmas Day.

Don't put it in the draft. It'll blow away.

Yes? Hi, Peggy. Hello, Willie.

Emily's expecting you. Oh, right.

Now, look, Sid, dear, I should be back in a couple of hours.

Couple of hours? What happens if Sally suddenly starts having a baby? Oh, she

won't, dear, not for at least another two days.

Now, Sid, dear, can you lend me a couple of pounds? I don't want to run short.

I'm getting a bit short myself.

Thanks, dear. Right.

I'll be off then, and, Fid, don't you go out.

Go out? Where can I go? The poor house?

Cheerio, Willie.

Cheerio.

Did you bring them? Bring what? The 90s. No, I certainly did not bring the 90s.

Dad!

You're Sally, I think she wants you. Yes, I heard her. It's all right.

Yes, Sal, what do you want?

Dad, I think you should get a taxi.

All right, darling.

Who wants a taxi?

Taxi, eh? Funny what they crave for it as taxis.

started. What are you going to do? Borrow some water. Don't be stupid.

Where do I find a taxi?

In the supermarket.

Hold up, you fool, on the corner.

Linda, that's it. Get Linda. Linda!

Linda!

What's the number? I don't know the number. Look it up in the time box.

Where is that child? Linda!

Linda!

I haven't got any change.

Oh, God.

Here, it's ten pence. Why? It only costs two.

Ring them five times.

Linda, where's your case?

In the hall, Dad. In the hall? In the hall.

Oh, go bloody, that's the kitchen.

The taxi's on its way. Oh, good.

The taxi's on its way? Yeah.

Here we are.

We'll go.

Quick, quick.

What do you think you're doing? Wait, sir.

I want to get some string. No, we're in best of luck.

Any minute now.

Where are you going to be in?

The drawers.

The drawers. Here, I'll show you.

Give me the pot.

I'll show you right here. Right there.

All right, sir.

How did you get it out? What do you want, darling?

Don't forget my dressing gown.

A new dressing gown. Go on, now. Okay. Willie, help me find a dressing gown

quick. A dressing gown. Yes, among you. Go on, now.

Oh,

that's nice, isn't it? Oh, darling, Willie. It's for Sally, not the mouse.

Oh, boy.

Here's one.

Go on, now. Open him up. Open it up, Willie. Go on.

Oh, hey.

Now, look at that.

That's very nice, isn't it? Will you help me find this blooming dressing

All right. Here we are. Darling! Open that one! Oh, don't shout at me, see?

I'm coming to help with it. I'm very sorry. Here,

I've got it.

Here, I've got it.

That is a taxi.

Charlie, the taxi's here.

Come in, Dad.

What's the matter? You look exhausted.

No, I'm fine.

Stand up.

Here, you see the taxi?

Sit the dresser down.

Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute!

What's the matter?

I heard the traps, then.

You heard the traps, then? Yeah.

Oh, don't go away. I've caught the mouse. Stay right there.

Don't be frightened.

We'll get you there in no time.

Did you get him? No.

Another piece of tail.

Is that the papa? Oh, go for it.

One minute now. All right.

Let's go. Come on. Okay.

Oh, no, don't fall down.

Don't faint. They've never lost a father yet.

It's all right, sir. I'll be all right.

It must be, what, 24 hours now since Sally went to hospital?

If that baby doesn't hurry up, we're going to wear a hole in the carpet.

Oh, dear.

Oh,

God.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, I've got pain, Sid.

That was sudden.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know, I remember reading somewhere once that when a woman's

baby, a man gets the pains at the same time.

What are you talking about? That's only if you're the father.

You're not even a flim and distant relation.

Look, I tell you what, while the girls are out fun in the hospital, go and get

the nighties. We'll sort one out for Sally, all right? That'll be a good

It'll take me mind off me pain.

Right, come on. Hey, Seed? Yes?

What are you going upstairs for?

Because we haven't got one downstairs, Willie.

Don't forget the nighties. All right, I'll say it to myself all the way home,

you know.

Nighties, I'll say. Nighties. Nighties.

If his brains were dynamite, they wouldn't blow his head off.

There's a good boy. Who's a lovely little boy? Just like a big chocolate

Oh, a card.

I haven't got my daddy's card.

Dad, are you in or out?

I'm out.

Of course I'm in. I'm never out.

You be a good boy. My daddy will look after you.

Everybody's going out. I'm always left in my blooming own hair.

It's always the same.

Here! It's the baby!

The baby's here! Hooray!

God, love, it was quicker to finish. Sally!

Sally!

Sally! I say, I couldn't find her. Here, hold on.

Hold on.

Oh, there you are.

Hello, what's that?

Well, she looked like a double -decker bus.

It's the baby.

It's not. It is.

and look myself in the eye.

Should he be that colour?

Yes. All new babies are cocky.

Is it a boy or a girl?

It's a boy. How can you tell?

Blue booties.

Yeah.

Isn't he lovely? Oh, he's lovely. Oh, and look at those teeth.

Oh. Good, good, good, good, good, good.

Good, good. Ah!

He got me mingled. Get him out of his house. Do you want to do film ratings?

See, that's how you made him cry.

I'm not sticking my finger back his mouth. He doesn't want it. He's hungry.

I'll make him a sandwich.

Oh, don't be stupid.

That is only sandwiches. He wants a bottle. Right.

All right, then. I don't know when he's going to get you a bottle.

Yes, you're all right.

Not that!

Don't eat some milk. All right, then.

Come on, then.

Come on, come inside.

I don't know when he's going to get you a bottle.

Hurry up, will you, for God's sake. He's going to burst something in a minute.

I'll say one thing. You've got a great bit of lungs there, son. I think you'll

find this is all right. Willie!

Unhygienic? You mustn't test it like that. Hang on.

That's it.

That's all right. OK, right, we'll lift up his little leg and I'll pour it in.

Pour it in? He's a baby boy, not a baby Austin.

Go and get a bottle, Dawson. I just told you I haven't got any bottles.

Well, see what you can find in the kitchen. Go on. It's all right, Jan. All

right. Yeah, he's a good boy. We're going to find something for you, yes.

Jesus! Look!

The very thing.

That's it. Right.

Hold those two fingers down there. All right.

Pour it in.

Here we are. Eat it, you fool. Not open it. Well, I'm nervous. It's not every

day you become a mother.

Go on. Here we are. Here she goes.

Lovely girl. Go on.

OK? Right.

There

you

are.

Cool.

Look, Sid, he's taken it. Yes. Gives you a sense of achievement. Sure, yeah.

Come on, let's go.

All right, all right.

Shall I sing to him? What do you want to do, give him hysterics?

Can he beat a tree, Sir Bill?

He's got wind.

That's what it is, wind.

I'll give you one of my tablets. Don't be stupid.

We've got to bring the wind up. We've got to make him perfect.

Come on, Sam, come on.

Poor Flum, he's a big one. Poor Sal. Come on.

There we are.

Stand back, I'll show you.

Come on, Ed.

Bring it up.

He's a good boy. Come on.

Bring it up, Ed.

Come on.

You're a clever boy.

Isn't he clever?

Yeah. He's done it.

He's done it all right.

Well, what's happened, Sid?

When he burped, I think he blew a gasket.

We'll have to change him.

Oh, you can't... Don't you abuse them.

Don't get me a nappy. Don't be stupid, Dad.

I haven't got any nappies. Give me a dishcloth, anything.

All right, Dad, we'll dry you. Don't worry. We'll look after you. Hold it

that way.

Then you go over that way.

Dad? Yes? What are you doing with Mrs. Ramison's baby?

Whose baby?

Mrs. Ramison's.

That's Mrs. Ramison's baby. Oh, Dad, you didn't think it was Sally's baby. Of

course. I'm not that stupid, am I? Yeah.

Oh, and Emily's waiting for it. Is she? Cool.

Oh, Willie, could you drop the little ranitin off for me? It's the house on

corner. Oh, certainly.

Well, a woman's work is never done.

Here's your card, Dad.

Couldn't you get a big one?

Read the verse.

My life with you has been sublime.

I bless the day that made you mine.

No star could ever shine as bright for me.

Can I be the fairy?

Christmas tree.

Your mother will have me put away. Go on, make some tea.

Hello, Sid.

Hello. What's the news?

Don't just stand there. What's the news?

Hello, Grandad.

Hello, Sid.

I'm in Granny's house.

She's fine, love.

Congratulations, Sid. Thank you. We'll have to send Dennis a telegram. We've

done that, dear. And we rang his mother and father and they're coming to see the

baby. Oh, Mrs. Hall's that excited. She's coming in a taxi. Oh, blimey, she

be excited if she's taking a taxi. What is it, boy or a girl? Oh, it's a boy,

Sid. Oh, a lovely boy.

Seven pounds four.

Seven pounds four?

Seven pounds? That must be a British record.

Go on, get the drinks. I've got you, Willie.

Willie, Des.

Sally's had the baby. No. Congratulations.

Thank you. Is it a boy or a girl or what?

What do you mean, a what?

It's a boy.

Seven stone four.

Seven pounds. Seven pounds, not seven stone. There we are. Cheers.

Cheers.

All right. I'm going to get myself another drink.

Emily, have another sherry.

Oh, no.

Make me go all silly.

Well, nobody will notice the difference.

Hey. Molly, Jackie.

Hey. Yes?

You know something?

What?

You're standing underneath a mistletoe and I haven't had a kiss since last

Christmas. Yes, well, I'm not standing under it now, Emily.

Oh, shit.

Come on.

Henry! Sidney!

And I thought you were my best friend. Oh, blimey, well, it was only a

kiss. What?

You're not even under the mistletoe.

Well, that's for you. What?

I shall talk to you later. First of all, it's a milkman, and now you've started

on the neighbours.

Ready, Henry?

Are you going out again?

Well, we're off to see the baby. And, Sid, don't you go out, because the Halls

might call in on their way to the hospital, and I want you to entertain

Yeah, I'll do a cabaret for them. Come on, Henry.

Come on, Sid.

No, you don't.

Well?

Well?

Would you like a drink?

Would you like a drink? Of course I'd like a drink. Why don't you say so?

How about some more sherry? No, thanks.

I'll have a whiskey.

Whiskey? You know you can't drink whiskey. Never mind. Give me one and

prove it. All right.

I'll give you one.

Here we go.

There.

There. Right.

There.

To the mother and father, Sally and Dennis.

Sally and Dennis.

Peggy and Emily.

Peggy and Emily.

The baby.

The baby.

Oh, come on.

Oh, you could get to like this stuff, couldn't you?

The baby's everywhere.

The baby's everywhere.

and Emily's got no children at all, and I'd love a baby, Sid. Oh, I'm sorry,

Willie. If there's anything I can do to help... Sidney, please!

Oh, I can't. I don't mean that, Willie.

As you know, Sally and the baby are going to come and stay here for a while,

you, Willie, you can borrow the baby any time you like, especially during the

night time.

Can I really, Sid? Yes, of course. I mean, wasn't you having pains when he

born? Oh, what, Uncle Willie?

Uncle Willie, of course.

that case, I'd like to make a toast. Yes, there's plenty of bread, hang on.

There's someone very important who we forgot.

I don't want you to take offence at what I'm going to say. Certainly not. My

lords, I give you the mouse.

The mouse.

Oh yes, the mouse.

Willie.

I'm going to tell you something I never told another living soul, Willie.

I love that mouse.

I love him, Willie.

And I'm going to prove to you just how much I love him. You're going to get the

trap. Go on, do the trap.

Here it is.

You got it?

Yes, sir.

Now give me some cheese. Cheese?

Yes. And a little bit of bacon.

We'll give him a mixed grill.

That's it. That's it.

That's it.

That's not fair.

You're bound to catch him with all that. No, no, no. I won't catch him.

It's because it's Christmas, you see. I won't set the trap.

It's my way of saying happy Christmas.

I'll tell you what it needs.

Yes? It needs to have a sprig of holly on it.

Holly! Oh, Willie, you're very thoughtful.

You get the holly. Go on, I'll get the candle.

Hang on.

Here. Oh, yes, I will. On the table.

This is the holly.

Oh, yes.

Here. Just a minute.

Oh, that's good.

There we are. Here.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Isn't that lovely?

A card?

Aye. Have a card on it? Yes. With... No greeting.

Brazilian wit.

You mean put a Christmas card on a mousetrap? You want people to think

potty?

Here.

That's the Bloomin' Halls. Was it? It's the Blasted Halls. I hate them.

Sober up, Willie. We've got to entertain you. I'll sing for a little bit. It's

all right.

It's a tree.

Dad! Mr. and Mrs. Hall.

Hey -o, Mrs. Hall. We were just talking about you, wasn't we?

It's the Blasted Hall, Willie.

Sit down, Mrs. Hall.

Sit down, Patrick.

Hey -o, Patrick.

Sit, Patrick.

Down, boy.

That's it.

He leaps about a bit, doesn't he?

How do you do?

How do you do what?

I'm sorry my wife isn't here, but she's gone to the hospital.

We're going.

Good. When you make us a cup of tea, nothing elaborate, just a few

maybe a bit of something fancy.

I like a bit of something fancy.

You could have fooled me.

Well, I'll make some tea, will I? Yes.

I'll make some tea.

Yes, yes.

Use your cheshire. The mouse doesn't like it.

He only likes chitter, the mouse.

Well, has anyone sent my son Dennis videos?

Yes, we sent him a telegram. Oh.

Would you like a sherry? No.

I tried it once, didn't like it.

Would you like to watch the telly? No, tried it once, didn't like it.

Dennis, I take it, is your only child?

Your wife tells me it's a boy.

That's right, it's a boy, yes.

Oh, wait till we get him on the farm. Oh, we'll soon make a man of him.

What do you mean when you get them on the farm? Well, he'll be staying with

won't he? He's my son's child.

My daughter had something to do with it, you know, and he's staying here.

What do you say, Patrick?

Let's keep in the tea.

Come in, Willie.

There's a lot of traffic on the road.

Here we are.

This is me.

Here we are.

Well, have you no saucer for the mug?

Certainly. Give Patrick a saucer.

Jerical, isn't he?

Here we go. Here we go.

What?

Thank you.

There's cheese's tail.

Well, it's impossible. It's fresh from the trap.

Excuse me, sir.

Have a crumpet.

Come, Patrick.

We're leaving.

I haven't finished my tea.

You've finished?

Come.

Now, I haven't said this before, but you're both intoxicated.

So, we're going straight to the hospital to see my son's baby, then back here to

have a word with your wife, then home to write a letter.

And when I tell him all the facts, he'll agree. The baby stays with us in a

decent, respectable home.

She makes this place sound like Elsie Tanner's bedroom.

Well, if the cat fits.

I didn't get a piece of comfy.

You're never likely to.

And what does that mean?

If the cat fits. Come on, Patrick.

Isn't she a funny woman?

Not funny, ha, ha, ha. Funny, you're good.

Give the 90s, well.

The 90s. The 90s, go on.

Here we are.

Here they are, Sid.

Of course.

Look, this is me favourite one.

Oh, yes.

You put Emily in that one, you've taken the first steps to drawing your family

allowance.

It's Sir Richard.

Oh, Willie.

I'm going to do something for you that I wouldn't do for any man, woman or

child.

I'm going to give you the thrill of a lifetime.

This is going to be a lovely surprise for all we've seen.

God,

you fancy this one.

Go on.

Where is it?

Do you remember that bottle of port your father brought home?

Oh, here it is, dear.

Now run round to Emily's with it. There's a good girl. Aren't you coming?

a minute, love.

I'm glad Emily asked them round there to have a drink. It's good to get away

from Maude and Mrs Hall for a while.

No sign of your father yet? No, they're probably out wetting the baby's head.

Oh, no. I had a nice quiet word with him before he left.

Oh, so that's what the row is about.

Oh, if that's the port there, Linda, get it round there quick. Mrs. Hall and

Maud are fighting again.

Oh, on my way.

Oh, it's hard going, Peg.

Maud's on her kicks with him. Mrs. Hall's counted every one of them. And

Patrick. I'm sure he'd like a drink and a bit of a carry -on with Maud.

Well, perhaps when Mrs. Hall's had a couple of glasses of port, it'll sweeten

her up a bit. Oh, I do hope so. All I've had out of her so far is, where's my

son, Dennis?

Well,

you know, little Willie should be back within any minute now.

is what Willie's given me for Christmas.

I brought it round here because I didn't want to open it in front of Mrs Hall.

How's that?

Oh, I bet this will give Willie a jolly Christmas.

Oh, Emily, it's gorgeous.

Oh, I bet Willie can't wait to see you in that.

If he had his way, he'd have me wearing it cooking the turkey.

All I've had out of him so far is, we'll have an early night.

Oh, I can't wait for him to see my new gear.

What does he give you?

Oh, look.

this brooch. Oh, that's nice.

And look, Emily.

This card.

Oh, how pretty.

Can I read the message? Oh, of course.

Can I be the fairy on your Christmas tree? Oh, how beautiful.

Yeah, but after the beautiful verse, look how Sid signed it.

Yours faithfully, Sid Jones.

one another, which would be a relief all round.

Say that again.

All right, will you bring him in?

Sorry, son.

We shall put him safe in the deep freeze.

Wait a minute, you haven't got a deep freeze. I know, you fool. Drop it, chuck

him down here.

Oh, I think I have, actually.

I'll do it again.

No, no, no, no, no.

There's 50 million people in this country. Why do I have to finish up with

for a mate? You're just lucky, Sidney. Oh, come on. We've got to get him

straightened out. He is a bit bent, isn't he? No, don't be stupid. Come on.

When he got off the train like this, it's all that travelling, you know. I

to see the baby.

How do you feel?

Sleepy. I think he's drunk and that's where we did it.

We've got to wake him up. Well, let's walk him up and down.

No, no, no. That's for snake bite.

I said coffee. I can't bear coffee, sir. It's not for you, you mean. It's for

him. I want to see the baby.

Oh, he wants to see the baby. But he can't see the baby. Come on, he's got to

get some sleep. Come on, son. Let's go upstairs. Come on, get him up there.

on. Right.

If you get the big half, wish.

Willie, he's gone.

Oh, well, who were you talking to just now?

Talking to? Yes. Willie, you know Willie.

I was talking to Willie. Oh.

Thanks,

Willie, for dropping in.

Say hello to Peg. Hello to Peg.

What were you doing upstairs, Willie? He's got a pain in his stomach. He's got

weak stomach.

He's got a weak brain as well.

But where's Dennis? Wasn't he on the train?

Oh, yes, he was on the train. Well, where is he? Where is he? He's coming

Coming round from where? That's a good question. Where's he coming round from?

Coming round the mountains. I knew you'd be a big elf.

He's gone shopping.

Oh, I expect he's gone to buy a present for the baby. Yeah, yeah.

Be a good girl. Make us a cup of coffee. I hate coffee. You love coffee. Shut

up. Well, we'll have a drink while you're fixing it. You're not having any

drinks till the party starts.

Of course.

Grab that, Roy.

Here you go.

I'll have that. Thank you.

Have you ever thought of doing prison work, Peg?

I would like a drink, sir.

She hasn't seen this one, maybe.

Oh, lovely.

It's like being married to a customs officer.

Is there no trust left in this world?

I would like to point out it is Christmas time and I'd like a drink.

You sure what happened? It's been impounded.

Wait a minute.

I've got a mate at work who makes homemade wine. He gave me a bottle. It's

times stronger than whiskey. Eight times stronger!

It's gone.

Peg! Yeah?

You seen that old pork bottle?

I sent it round to Emily's for Mrs. Hall.

Mrs. Hall?

What'll happen if old Mother Hall drinks that?

She won't be able to see Patrick, never mind Christmas.

Why don't you bring that coffee and get it upstairs and fill him up. Right. How

is he? Oh, sleeping like a baby. Oh, that's it.

Get him out of here. Quick.

Get him out.

Here's the coffee, Willie.

Willie? Where is he?

It's his stomach. Peggy had a sudden attack.

Well, that's the funniest stomach I know. Yeah, it's a scream.

Emily, you are a vision of loveliness.

Oh, thank you, Sid.

is too short?

If it was any shorter, it'd be up to your handbag.

Where's Willie?

He's upstairs lying down on our bed.

He's not well. He's got a bad stomach. I don't think he's got long to go.

No, he hasn't.

On your bed.

And he's got a perfectly good clean bed of his own.

Willie?

You've got a lovely musical voice. Just like a band saw.

Oh, Miss. Say it.

Anyone going to introduce us?

Willie Beatty, you old fool. It's me, Emily.

Your wife.

How do you do?

What do you mean by getting into Peggy's bed?

You've got a perfectly good bed of your own.

Sit in me.

No more. No more.

Happy Christmas.

And many more of them. I'm lucky if I see this one out.

Merry Christmas.

Here they are, Bonnie and Clyde.

Won't you all sit down, please? Yeah, sit down, everybody.

Make yourself comfortable.

All right, Willie, over here.

Right, Sidney.

That's it, sit down.

Sidney, will you pour out the drinks? Yes. Oh, Mrs. Law, I see you haven't had

any port. No, I haven't. How did you know?

You walked in.

He's not far away. He won't be long.

Maud, the usual half gallon?

Say, you are lucky.

They must be in the city.

Sometimes I can hardly control myself.

Drink to me, Alan.

Give him a drink. Mrs.

Hall hasn't had a drink yet.

Oh, Mrs. Hall, I do beg your pardon. I'm so sorry. The way he was carrying on, I

thought he'd had a few.

What's your pleasure, apart from Patrick?

Very funny.

Patrick and I will have a little port.

Port? Port.

Port. We haven't got any port.

Good lad.

Will I pour it or nothing?

Will you please pour out the cork? I was just going to. I was just on my way.

I'll open it in the kitchen. It'll be safer there.

And you shall have it.

That stuff is eight times stronger than whiskey.

Here we are. Thank you.

There you are, Patrick.

Cheers.

When I was ill last March, a glass of port was the first thing to put me on my

feet. That'll put her right on her ear.

Yeah, certainly, Patrick.

Here we are.

Patrick.

You're supposed to sip it, not dive into it.

Can I have a little more?

Certainly, yes.

Do you like it?

It's lovely.

You're lovely and all, Mary.

It's stronger than I thought.

This is all?

Patrick, you don't know it, mate, but you're on a winner tonight.

Peggy, is that a cigarette burn?

No. Oh,

Patrick, you little sex mechanic.

Oh, what a beauty.

Oh, sorry, all right.

Then that can stand, stand.

Hang on,

Patrick, wait a minute. You've come out of there like a cork out of a bottle.

Peace, everyone.

till tomorrow.

Well, this is tomorrow.

So it is.

Look at that baby.

Oh, he's got Patrick's nose.

He's got Peggy's eyes. He's got Sally's mouth.

He's got Dennis' ears.

Yeah, you've got nothing to mind, son, except me brains.

Where's Dennis?

Oh, blimey, we forgot Dennis. Oh, yeah, I can't get... Oh, here he is. Oh, here

he is. Oh, Dennis.

Look at your son.

Here, look, it's your daddy. Oh, can I hold him now? Yes, here we are.

Well, mind his head, son.

Yeah, watch out for the other end as well.

Hey, he's got hair and everything. Well, I should hope so.

What are you going to call him, pal?

You tell them, Dennis.

Well, we'd like to call him Sidney Patrick William Hall.

He'll be known as Sidney after Mr. Jones, and we hope he'll grow up to be

the man you are, Sid. Oh, that's a very nice thing to say. I don't know what to

say. Well, I'll make a toast. To Sidney Patrick William Hall.

To Sidney Patrick William Hall.

Make a speech, yeah. Come on, let's go.

Hey, and Sid, make him a short speech, will you?

Emily's just invited me for an early night.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, as you know... I thought you were the traps,

You were the traps?

Hold that. Hold that. I think we caught them out. They're out!

Hurry!

Hurry!

Come along!

Dear Sid, thank you for the cheese and the turkey

too.

daughter Willie's happy Christmas your friend the mouse