Original subtitles

You stop, mate. I'm going out.

Now,

bless this house, episode seven, part one, VTR number double eight, double

Would you like the paper?

No, thank you. I just want a bit of it.

There's your bit of it.

That's not the bit I wanted.

Of course it isn't.

That's the situation's vacant bit.

Oh, leave him alone, dear.

He's doing his best.

I wanted the bit with the stocks and shares in. I can read about the jobs

later. Of course you can. Much later.

If you hang about long enough, they'll all be gone, won't they?

Two for you, Mike.

One for me.

Mummy, one for you. Oh, thank you, darling.

What's that?

Invitation cards for the party.

What party?

In case you've forgotten, Sidney Albert, in a month's time we'll have been

married 25 years.

And we're going to have our silver wedding anniversary party.

Oh, that party.

Yes, that party.

Mike's friend has been very kind and printed the cards for us.

You know, it's incredible, really, Mummy.

You just don't look old enough to have been married 25 years.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Oh, Sally's right, Mum. You don't.

And me?

Aren't they nice cards, darling?

Oh, yes. He's done a lovely job.

He's printed a hell of a lot of them. I ordered 200.

200?

Fighting 50 people, Mike.

It's cheaper.

How can it be cheaper? We've got to chuck away 150 of the bloody things.

Perhaps you could use them again.

Use them again?

This is our silver wedding anniversary party. To use them again, we'd have to

get divorced, remarry, and then slog along for another 25 years.

What do you mean, slog on?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't. You make it sound like some kind of endurance test.

You could say.

How swiftly those years full of happiness fled.

It seems but a moment since first we were wed.

Who wrote that?

My friend, the one who printed the cards.

What a load of rubbish.

Well, I think it's very nice.

He did it for extra money.

You know how students are always hard up.

Mum, I've just had an idea.

I've had a great thought on a way to make some bread.

Yeah, me too.

Get yourself a job in a bakery.

Let's drop in this in, Abbott. I hope it wasn't out of your way. Oh, no. I've

got to pass. You're on my way home, anyway.

Do you remember I told you about our silver wedding anniversary party?

Yes, Abbott, I remember.

I brought the invitation, sir.

How swiftly those years full of happiness fled.

It seems but a moment since first we were wed.

Isn't that pretty?

I did.

Well, I only hope we'll be able to come, but you see, our old pair's away and

we're having an awful job getting babysitter.

How? We were going out tonight, but it doesn't look as if we'll make it.

Well, I hope you can come to the party, because you'll have a very good time.

Definitely.

Lee?

Hello, darling. Hello, darling. The phone's gone.

Oh, no, it hasn't.

Yes, it has. You come out there and have a look. It's not there.

No, Mike and Sally have borrowed it.

How can you borrow a telephone?

They've got it upstairs in the office.

What office?

Well, it's Mike's bedroom, really, but now it's an office as well.

And what do they do in this office, apart from sitting around with a

disconnected telephone?

Oh, it's connected up. One of their clients did it for them.

I can't keep up with this house.

When I left for work this morning, there were these two unemployable layabouts

still in bed. Now they've got an office with clients who move telephones about.

Well, that's not all they do. They do lots of things. That's the whole idea of

it. Whole idea of what?

Their agency.

Agency?

Employment agency.

What employment agency?

Well, they suddenly have this marvellous idea that students are always looking

for different ways to make extra money.

So they'd find them spare -time jobs.

They can't find jobs for other people. They can't find bloody jobs for

themselves.

Hello? Calling living room. Calling living room.

What the hell is that?

It's the intercom. It says running up and down stairs.

Yes, Miss Abbott.

Is that you, Mrs. Forsythe?

Mrs. Forsythe?

Who the hell is Mrs.

Forsythe? I am.

When I left here this morning, you were Mrs. Abbott.

What are you talking about?

Well, it makes it look as though they've got a large staff.

I think I'm going potty.

Mrs. Forsyth, could we please have some tea up here?

No, you can't. Come and get your own bloody tea.

Thank you.

Well, I'm sure the tea will be out shortly, Linda.

Doesn't sound like it.

Now, where were we?

You'd like a part -time job? Why not two nights a week and Saturday?

Yes, what have you got?

Nothing at the moment.

I mean, nothing suitable.

But you said you had hundreds of attractive, well -paid jobs.

And so we will have.

I mean, we have.

Only they're not suitable.

Why? Why?

Because they're specialised jobs like... Oh, computer programming, bookbinding.

Well, I can do that. Do what?

Bookbinding.

I suppose it's gone.

I'm afraid it has.

I thought it might have.

Won't you stay for tea?

No, thanks.

All right, Blondie, I'm sorry. I didn't know they had an important client up

there, did I? No, you didn't stop to find out. I think you're trying to

them.

Hello,

Mr Abbott. Hello, Linda. What are you doing here? Looking for a job.

You've got a job. You're in my office, aren't you? Yeah, I wanted something

-time, you know, evening.

Did they find you one?

Ah, well, if you ask me, I don't think they've got any. Oh, yes, they have.

found me one. What's that? Tea boy.

Come and have a go.

What sort of job did you want? Oh, anything.

Waitressing, babysitting.

Babysitting? Yeah.

Have a cup of tea. Don't go away. I'll be right back.

Why couldn't we have told Linda the truth?

We haven't got any jobs.

We will have. I mean, everybody's got to start somewhere.

Excuse me. Come in.

I know you're very, very busy and you're swamped with business, but do you think

I could possibly borrow my telephone?

Of course you can, Dad.

Any time you like.

You're very kind.

Pleasure.

But how awfully clever of you. He found us a babysitter.

Can she manage it tonight?

Could she manage it tonight?

Yes, yes.

I'll have her round there in no time.

It's a pleasure.

You all right?

Thank you.

What are you playing at?

You're... You're not supposed to find people babysitters, Daddy.

That's what we're here for.

Sid, what are you up to? There's a girl sitting at the bottom of the stairs

drinking my tea.

All right.

One of their customers.

I just found her a job.

Oh, good.

Oh, I'm glad Daddy's trying to help you.

Help us? He's trying to ruin our business.

He's sabotaging us, Mummy. He's fixing other people up with our clients and not

charging them.

Are you sure you don't mind? Yes, it's fine. I'll get you around there in ten

minutes. Oh, you are kind. You really are. It's all right.

There is just one other thing I don't like to ask. Yes, yes, what is it?

Well, could we call in at my sister's on the way? Yes, yes, of course.

Where is she?

High Wycombe.

High Wycombe?

Is it much out of our way?

Oh, not at all. It's just right in the opposite direction, that's all. Then

better hurry up, hadn't we? Yes.

Ring up it again, dear. See where this wretched babysitter's got to. I keep on

ringing. There's no reply. Their phone must be out of order.

Oh, you're right. It doesn't seem to be ringing properly.

That'll be her now.

You'd think they'd get their damn phone fixed.

There's one thing I cannot stand. It's incompetence.

Oh, hello, sir.

I've come to apologise about the babysitter.

Well, where is she babysitting?

Where?

High Wycombe.

And how does she propose to keep an eye on our children from High Wycombe?

Don't have to worry about that. I'll get my daughter around here as quick as I

can. Look, Edward, we were due at a dinner engagement 20 minutes ago.

Well, that's all right, sir. You just get cracking, enjoy yourselves, and I'll

stay here until my daughter gets here.

That is kind of you. Isn't that kind of him, dear?

Oh, yes.

Well, in that case, thank you, Abbott.

Yes, well, they're upstairs.

They're sound asleep. They won't be any bother.

Well, that is, of course, if they don't wake up.

Yes, well, have a good time.

I don't know where he is.

time. I told you, Mummy, he went off with Linda.

Why should he go off with Linda?

Oh, come on, Mum, why does any middle -aged man go off with a young girl?

Have you gone to the Humphreys?

I'll phone him.

Now, get back to bed and stop sliding down those vanitas. You'll break

something.

You have blood on something. Now, will you get back to bed?

Thank God you've rung up. I can't stand any more of this.

Can't stand any more of what?

It's wearing me out.

Well, stop doing it.

What do you mean, stop doing it? I'm not doing anything.

Whatever it is that's wearing you out.

Babysitting's wearing me out.

I don't know what you think I'm doing.

Is that girl still with you?

Oh, God, blimey, if she was here, do you think I'd still be here?

Yeah.

Look, Jean, I have been trying to phone you all night. Your phone's not working.

It might be working your end, but it's not working his end.

Well, if it's not working, how come I can hear you?

Will you stop arguing with me? Will you please get Sally round here or get one

of their clients round here? Get anybody else.

It's just something else.

Hang on.

Your father wants one of you to go round and take over.

Not me, Mummy.

Nor me.

Now, just get back to bed, and Uncle Sid will come up and read you a story.

Thank you, Uncle Sidney. Will you come and read us one, too?

I'll read your bloody obituary in a minute.

They've just broken a valuable Chinese vase.

I don't want to be here when Humphreys gets here.

No, Dad.

And neither does anybody else. Sorry.

of you both.

Your father hasn't had any supper.

I'm sorry, Mum, but that's how you have to be with business competitors.

Tough and ruthless.

Anyway, it might do him a lot of good with Mr. Humphrey.

I mean, they might promote him.

Oh, see.

I've got to apologise.

Oh, Daddy.

Leaving me there with those delinquents, look what they've done to me.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Not one word. I do not wish to hear one word. Where is my dinner?

In the oven. Thank you. You get up to bed, you two.

out and shriveled up. It's not my fault.

It's no good trying to speak to me.

There.

Thank you.

Oh, God, here she comes, like all the cupboards.

I don't want to borrow anything.

That's a change.

I just got your invitation.

Oh, can't you come? What a shame.

How long have you been married, Gene?

Seventy -four years.

Twenty -five years. It feels like seventy -four.

What day did you get married on?

Saturday. It was a lovely spring afternoon in May.

Cup final day it was.

Leeds got beat 3 -0.

Well, why have you got the 21st of April on your invitation?

What? What did you say? Oh, waiting.

How swiftly those years full of happiness... Oh, God, Blimey, not that

rubbish. What date is it on the card?

21st of April. When's that?

Tomorrow.

sulking. Eat your breakfast and we'll talk about it later.

There are 50 people coming to a party tonight.

What are you going to give them, cornflakes?

We're not giving them anything.

We're going to phone them and tell them it was a mistake.

Mike's already started.

What about the ones that aren't on the phone?

We'll send them telegrams.

I cannot understand you lot. You could not have noticed. Is he all blind?

Well, you didn't notice it.

I took one look at that bloody poem and that was enough.

Of the people to telephone and the people to send telegrams to.

Well, I've got some news for you, Mum.

The telephone's not working.

I told you that last night and you would not believe me.

Well, then we'll use Betty's telephone.

No, she's gone shopping.

We'll have to use the phone box.

I've got it. We can use four phone boxes and all phone at once.

It's quicker.

There you are, Sid. He does get good ideas.

The only good idea he ever had was when he decided to emigrate.

an hour he's been in there. It's disgusting.

Excuse me.

Here, hang on a minute. We're first.

It's all right. I just want to have a quick word with him. Well, tell him to

hurry up. Yes, of course. Oh, Dad, am I glad to see you. I've run out of money.

Good, then perhaps somebody else can come in there then.

What the hell was all that?

Oh, that's your dinner.

Oh, now listen here, mate. Don't worry, he's only going to make another four

calls. It'll be all right.

Boy!

There's a fellow here calling you.

Now, what the hell are you playing at? I don't know what he wants. It's my

daughter. I've just given her her pocket money. So she can make some more phone

calls. Well, it's not up to me how she spends it, is it, mate?

Right.

There's a fellow who's been following you about all afternoon.

Thank goodness that I was out of money.

Oh, yeah, I went away with you.

Yeah, I'll be buying you out of the way.

Peter and Fiona?

Yeah.

Blimey, I could do with a drink.

How did you get out of the phone box, Daddy?

We phoned the police.

That man said some dreadful things about you. Your father.

Have you phoned everybody?

Yes.

Have you phoned Mr Humphreys?

I phoned him, Dad, but they weren't in.

I spoke to some foreign bird.

Oh, that's fine. That's his au pair. She must be back.

We're back, Sookie.

Did anybody phone?

from Mr Abbott. Oh, what did he want?

He say he's not having it.

Not having what?

I don't know. He's speaking so fast and I'm not hearing him properly.

And there are some men shouting at him all the time.

Now, Shuki, try and think. What was it he didn't have?

Oh, it must have been his pipe.

Pipe? Yes, we left it here last night. We could take it round with us this

evening.

I had three aces. How come I lost?

Because I had four aces.

We're off, darling.

Where are you going?

Well, Betty's persuaded us to go to the wrestling with her.

Who's she fighting?

Then, when we get home... You don't mind making your own supper, do you,

darling? Oh, I think we'll manage. Thank you very much. Jean, they're both old

enough to leave on their own.

Bye -bye, darling.

Get up. Have a good time. Bye, Daddy.

Bye. Bye, love.

Seven aces.

You don't mind if I have a look at the cards, do you?

How can I not be so lucky?

That is two pounds out to you, I may see. You try and get it.

Who's that then? It'll be Mike.

You do the spuds, Susie eggs, we'll have egg and chips.

Happy anniversary, Edward.

Oh, thank you very much.

And we brought your pipe.

Thank you very much. Shall we join the party?

I think I ought to explain.

We're the first to arrive.

Yes. Are we early?

About a month.

Half an hour.

Don't worry about it. It's all right. But I could have sworn the invitation

eight. Yes, well, it was a misprint.

It should have been eight -thirty. Yes, that's quite right. Will you have a

drink? Oh, thank you so much. I'd love a drink. I'll do the ordering, dear.

Two large vodkas.

That's all this?

Must be left over from the last party.

A few vodkas, thank you. Thank you. Cheers.

Here's to your silver wedding anniversary.

Thank you. Shouldn't your wife be here?

She's upstairs. She's getting changed.

Doing hair and face and... Can

I get you a salted peanut?

Well, if you have one.

Yes, I think I can dig you up, won't you? Not for me, thank you. I'd rather

for supper.

Oh!

You're going on somewhere for supper?

No, I thought we were having it here. Well, it does say on the invitation,

buffet, supper.

Or was that another misprint?

No, no, no.

It's all going on in there. It's all been prepared. The chef's going away

mad.

Mr. Trevor?

Oh, my God. Who's that, Sid? It's the boss and his wife. What did they want?

A buffet supper.

What? Mike hasn't got in touch with them and they've come to the party.

Well, what are you going to do? I'll have to give them a bloody party, won't

Well, can't you explain?

How can I explain? He's a funny fellow, this.

He's got a big sign up behind his desk.

Never explain, never apologise.

What does that mean? It means our firm's in a permanent bloody state of

confusion.

You can't have a party. Sid, I mean, you've got no guests.

I'll have to get some, won't I? Where?

Where?

I know. I'll phone my customers.

That's it. Well, they may not want to come.

Well, they'll come if I pay them, won't they?

And if they know there's free nosh here, mate, they'll come belting in, won't

they? Well, you haven't got any nosh, see. Hang on. Hang on.

There we are.

Send your tins there. Tin open over there. You get cracking, I'll go and

them. Get hold of Mike's list and phone them.

I'll have to use your phone. Yeah, I'll come.

Everything's going very nicely.

Excuse me.

I want me... Run them up like

a...

What did you do?

Well, uh, baked beans, cold spaghetti, and, uh, rice pudding and gherkins.

Rice pudding and gherkins? Yeah, well, you told me to open everything up, see?

I meant make sandwiches.

What, with rice pudding?

Oh, bread, you twit! Yeah, well, I've used it all, haven't I?

Oh, God, blimey, all right, never mind, come on.

Anyway, bread's fattening. Perhaps they're on a diet.

They are, they've come to the right house, haven't they?

I'll leave that there.

There we are. Isn't that tasty?

Excuse me. Mr.

Trevor will see to everything you want and entertain you while I'm away. After

you, Mr. Trevor. As you do.

Oh, hello there.

Come right in.

Come in, come in. There we are.

Straight through. That's it.

Yeah, come and sit down. A drink?

Oh, come right in. There we are. Straight through. That's it.

Hello. There we are.

That's it.

Morning.

Cousin.

Never mind, Amber. I'll look after you very much.

Really beginning to jump now, innit?

Well, enjoy yourself.

Come in.

Oh, come in, Susan.

How do you do? Go straight through.

That's it. There we are. Go on. I'll introduce you all later.

No, not really. Yes, we must.

Tell me why she came.

What are we going to do with all these birds?

We'll think of something.

upstairs, Sal.

Where's Trevor? In there.

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