Original subtitles

Bless This House, Episode 3, Part 1, VTR number 8807.

There you go, Sal.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Are they real diamonds?

What do you mean, are they real diamonds? Of course they're not real

They look like real diamonds.

That's because they're real imitations.

Anyway, an engagement ring's only a symbol.

Oh, will somebody give me a symbol?

Oh, Pam didn't want one.

I got that for her father.

Wouldn't you have been better off buying him cufflinks?

I'm not joking, Sal.

Well, you can't. if you bought her this.

It's a real thing.

I've flipped.

We've even started a bottom drawer.

Well, I'm very happy for you, Mike.

You do like her, don't you?

Oh, yeah, I like her. But I like her father better.

He's really dishy.

If I were just a few years older... That's what all the girls say.

Do you know, he's known as Wimbledon's most wanted widower.

When are you going to tell Mummy and Daddy?

I thought I'd send them a postcard from the Honeymoon Hotel.

No, seriously, Mike.

Oh, well. I'll have a chat to Dad when he gets home.

I'll talk to him man to man.

I wonder how he'll take it. He'll have to take it.

I'll talk to him when he gets back from the office.

Hello, darling.

Hello.

Couldn't get in the back door?

No, I've locked it.

What for?

To stop you going in the kitchen. I didn't want you to walk on the floor.

Why, have you minded?

No.

You've been sprinkling in again, haven't you?

Yeah.

What have you done to the kitchen floor?

Varnished it. Oh, well, that's all right, isn't it?

There's only one snag. What's that?

It takes three hours to dry.

You mean I've got to wait three solid hours before I can have my dinner?

No, it's dry. I did it at lunchtime. Oh, well, here we go, then. Oh, you can't

go in there.

Why not?

I shampooed the carpet.

How long does that take to dry?

When is the ten hours up?

Oh, it'll be well worth it, Sid.

When is the ten hours up?

It'll look like a new carpet. When is the ten hours up?

Just think of the money we've saved. I don't think you can hear what I'm

What time is the ten hours up?

How about two in the morning?

Oh, God.

So what do we do till then? Camp out here and all?

We could have an early night.

I don't want an early night. I've just come home. I want to have my dinner

before...

You've changed.

You've first got married.

All you wanted to do was go to bed.

That was 20 -odd years ago.

Now I need all the food I can shovel down inside me to give me the strength

get up these days.

Why don't we go out to dinner? I don't want to go out to dinner. I want to have

my own dinner in my own kitchen, and there we are.

We can't get in the kitchen. I can't.

Oh, Sid, you're not to walk on my clean carpet. Don't worry about your carpet.

I'll get into that kitchen without touching the floor.

What are you going to do, swing across on the light fitting?

You go out there and I'll meet you round the back and let you in.

Oh, just a few brains.

Yes, but how did you do it?

Just get me dinner.

What did you have for your lunch?

Steak.

Oh, you didn't.

What have I done now?

Why do you always have steak for lunch when I'm going to give you steak for

dinner? I'm not a mind reader, you know.

You don't listen to a word I say.

What's that got to do with steak?

What did I say to you in bed this morning?

Stop it, Sue. You'll be late for work.

for dinner.

Don't worry about it, darling. I love steak. I'll have it twice a day. I enjoy

it, and there's no bother about it at all. Now then, the, uh... We've got rum.

No, I took all the food out.

You haven't varnished your hair, have you?

No, I defrosted it. The food's in a plastic bag outside the back door.

bag, I've bought.

Is it?

I don't see the plastic bag out there.

It's right by the dustbin.

Oh, dear.

Is it Tuesday?

Yeah.

Good, isn't it? All our noise gone.

They must think it's Christmas all over again.

No wonder they left us an extra bag.

Well, now, we'll have to go out to dinner.

No, we won't go out to dinner. I've flown a new Chinese takeaway.

Oh, that's nice.

I fancy some chicken chow mein. Good idea, eh?

Here we go.

Give us your front door key.

It's upstairs in my handbag.

Mine's in my coat.

Hang on.

Evening.

Oh, evening. Good evening, sir.

What's that?

You wished to order.

Oh, I've already ordered.

No, no, no. You just come in.

I see you. How can you order? I phoned up ten minutes ago. No, sir.

Yes, yes, yes. I phoned up ten minutes ago, and I spoke to you.

You not speak to me, sir. I not here ten minutes ago.

You speak to my partner, Ling.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, but all you blokes sound the same to me.

Not same, sir.

Ling, Shanghainese. Yes. Me, Cantonese.

Well, I don't really care if you're Pekingese. What name is it?

No Abbott Abbott here, sir.

No, not Abbott Abbott.

Just Abbott.

Ah, yes, Abbott. That's it. You are the gentleman with the two prawn balls.

chicken chow mein, crispy noodles and chips.

Prawn balls.

No, no, no. I don't like prawn balls.

I never eat them and I don't want them.

Then why did you order them? I did not order them. It's on my bed.

I don't give a... I don't really care what's on your bed. I just want my

chow mein.

You sure you don't like prawn balls?

I do wish you'd stop saying that. I'm not going to be off.

I wouldn't have them if you gave them to me for nothing.

For nothing?

What do you think this is? Charity?

People like you always the same. Always want something for nothing.

Oriental twit.

Hi,

Dad.

What are you doing here? Looking for you.

Well, now you've found me and the answer is no.

What was the question?

The question that's usually up most in your mind. How much can I borrow?

I don't want your money.

What did you say?

I don't want your money.

And you can't have the car?

I don't want the car.

I just want to have a chat here.

Couldn't we do this at home?

No, Dad. You see, I want to talk to you... man to man.

Man to man? Yeah.

You're not in trouble with the police again, are you?

Of course not, Dad.

It's a girl.

A girl?

Yeah. I suppose it had to happen sooner or later.

Well, I never thought it would happen to me. That's what they all say.

I thought we'd have a quiet wedding.

Very sensible.

In about six months.

Six months?

What do you intend doing?

Walk down the aisle pushing the pram?

Fran. Have you or have you not put this bird... Have you put this bird in

the club?

Of course not.

What do you want to marry her for?

We're in love.

Oh, God, Lonnie, is that all?

Dad, it's the real thing. I've really flipped.

And who is this bit of crumpet you can't live without?

Pamela Huntley -Johnson.

Don't you remember her?

Should I?

Well, she went to the same school as Sally.

Really? Well, she came to the house a couple of times.

Aunt Lee Johnson.

Hang on.

Captain of the hockey team?

Yeah. Oh, God blimey, I remember her all right. Great fat lump, spotty,

greasy pigtails, little thin wire glasses.

That was at school, Dad.

You wouldn't recognise her now.

He's ever so nice, Daddy.

We want to get married.

That's a bit sudden, isn't it, darling?

Yeah, we've been going out for nearly a week.

I see.

Michael Abbott, do I know him?

Don't think you ever met Mike, but you know his sister, Sally?

Sally? Sally Abbott? No, I don't think I do. Yes, we went to the same school

together. You know, she took over from me as captain of the hockey team.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, I remember.

A skinny little horror with pimples and braces on her feet.

Lovely look.

Goodness. You have changed.

Thank you, Mr. Huntley -Johnson.

I think you'd better call me Geoffrey. Mr. Huntley -Johnson makes me feel

old. Oh, you're not old.

Geoffrey.

Would you like to sit down?

Why are you crying, Mum?

I'm crying because I'm happy.

Your mother always cries at weddings.

Except ours. I was the only one who cried at that.

I'm very happy for you, Mike.

Pamela's a lovely girl.

I think so, Mum.

Just a minute. There's one or two things you've got to think about.

First of all, you haven't got a job.

You can't keep yourself, no matter what.

And if you haven't got a job, you can't get a mortgage. And if you can't get a

mortgage, you've got nowhere to live.

Is that all?

That's enough, isn't it?

Well, we can't very well let Pam's father live all on his own in that

eight -bedroomed mansion.

Eight bedrooms.

So we've agreed to move in with him.

And as far as the job is concerned, he owns four companies, and I'm going on

board of two of them.

He's bloody cracked it.

Hello, Daddy.

Hello, Mummy. Hello, darling.

We've just been hearing nice good news.

Nicholas, how can your mother and I do two weddings on the same day?

Well, you won't have to.

It'll be a double wedding.

Double wedding? Yes.

Who are you marrying?

Good morning, darling.

You're up early.

I've been up all night. Couldn't sleep.

I told you not to have cheese on proper crispy noodles.

What's that got to do with the cheese? Sally.

What's the matter with Sally?

She's marrying Pamela's old man, isn't she?

Yes, I know.

Well, aren't you worried about it?

Yes, I am. Very worried. I'm very pleased to hear it.

I mean, what on earth can we get them for a wedding present?

Wedding present?

somebody who's already got everything.

Are you absolutely in favour of this blasted wedding?

Yes, if Geoffrey's what she wants.

What she wants?

What does it matter what she wants?

I can't understand you.

And I can't understand you.

When Mike comes home and says he's marrying into a wealthy family, all you

is he's cracked it.

And with Sally, it's different.

Of course it's different. Blimey, his girlfriend's more or less the same age

he is, and she's got all her own teeth.

But when you're in love, age doesn't matter.

It's not only age. It's a matter of who he is.

Well, I would have thought he was very eligible.

I mean, he's got all the right qualities.

He's mature and experienced and very rich.

He's Pamela's father, isn't he?

What's that got to do with it?

What's that got to do with it?

It's got everything to do with it, don't you see? Don't you understand?

If Mike marries Pamela and Sally marries Pamela's old man, Sally will be her

brother's stepmother.

And not only that, our daughter will be our bleeding sister -in -law.

It all sounds very complicated.

Of course it's bloody complicated.

I'm going to put a stop to it.

Sid, don't you interfere. If you try to stop it, you know what will happen.

off to Golders Green.

Gretna Green.

Well, wherever it is they run off to.

I'm going to have a serious talk with Sally.

Good morning, Daddy.

Isn't it a beautiful day?

Fantastic. Sit down.

What's the matter? Sit down.

Yes, Daddy.

Now, Sally, we've got to have a serious talk.

It's not the birds and the bees again, is it?

No, it's not.

If you're worried about the expense, I'm sure Geoffrey will chip in. Sally.

I don't want you rushing into anything.

Now, you've got to think about a few things seriously.

What things? Well, first of all, there's the age difference.

I mean, blimey, he must be 30 years older than you at least.

I mean, you're marrying an old man.

Not an old man.

Not like you are.

I am not an old man. I'm in my prime. There's a good few years left in me.

Well, there must be more in Geoffrey. He's younger than you.

Well, he just seems younger to you now, that's all. I mean, by the time you're

35, he'll be doing his old age pension.

if he hasn't snuffed it by then.

And what does that leave you?

It leaves me a very rich young widow.

Which is a very nice thought. Now, don't, Charlie.

I mean, there's the physical part of it as well.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Look at Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie Chaplin?

He was in his 70s when his last child was born.

But I'm not talking about Charlie Chaplin.

I'm not talking about that physical side of it. Well, what are you talking

about? Well, I mean his general physical condition.

I mean, he might look lovely across some dimly lit table in a candle lit

restaurant. Now, will you wait till you find him struggling to bed after he

takes out his choppers and pulls his hair off?

You forgot about unscrewing his false leg.

Charlie, this is not funny.

I'll give in.

Bloody cheek.

Old man.

I've got muscles I haven't even used yet.

Well, that little chap did a lot of good. She's asked me to order the

cake.

You don't think she's, uh... Oh, yes.

I'm sure she isn't.

Well, she mentioned Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie Chaplin?

Don't worry about it. I'm sorry I said it. Just forget the whole thing. I'm

going to work.

You can't go to work without any breakfast.

Breakfast? How do you expect me to eat breakfast in the state I'm in?

Well, you ought to eat something.

Oh, right. I'll shovel something down me, then.

Good. What would you like? Oh, a couple of fried eggs.

Bacon, sausages.

Tomatoes, mushrooms.

Fried bread.

Four slices.

Charlie, it's not right. She's only 18.

Very dodgy, Sid.

That means old enough to be her father.

There's a lot of it about, boy. Yeah, and he's a dirty old man.

Excuse me.

Any time, darling.

You're male.

I'm proud of it.

Oh, Mr. Abbott, you are a one.

Aren't I?

Cute, isn't she?

You're old enough to be her father.

What's that?

She's the same age as you or Sally.

Is she really?

I said there was a lot of it about.

Oh, excuse me, Mr Abbott. Yes, darling. Better blotting paper have been on the

phone. What do you want?

Well, there are reps coming over this morning. Want to know if you're free for

lunch? Lunch?

With frosty face, old Grimshaw? No, thank you.

Oh, it's not Miss Grimshaw. She's retired.

Is she? Yeah, they've got a new rep now. A young lady.

Miss Carter.

Oh, are they?

Yeah, well, that's a different thing. Book me a table at the carpet, love.

Right -o, Mr Abbott.

You lucky devil, Sid. You get all the perks, don't I?

Oh, God, blimey, the way this girl types.

Linda, I'll be back in a minute. Linda.

Oi, Linda.

Hello there.

What have we got here?

Mr Abbott?

No such luck.

Oh.

You're not better blotting paper, are you?

No, Pamela Huntley -Johnson.

Oh, where's lovely?

I'm engaged to Mr. Abbott's son.

Oh, you're the dirty old man's daughter.

Sit yourself down, love.

Sit. Somebody to see you.

Well, well, well.

You've arrived, eh?

Mr. Abbott.

That's right. Call me Sid, darling. I'm Pamela. Oh, that's a very nice name,

too. I must say, you're a great improvement on old Grimshaw.

Grimshaw? Yeah, frosty -faced old cat.

She's dead lost, she was. Now, I'll tell you what I've done. I've booked a table

at the carton for lunch.

You play your cards right, we can do lots of lovely business afterwards.

Come in.

I don't believe you're trying to chat me up.

You would be ashamed of yourself, a man of your age.

No, I'm not a man of my age.

You're old enough to be my father.

I worry a lot. That's all it is, is worry.

You're not even a dirty old man.

Oh, hang on a minute. Blimey, all I did was ask you to come to lunch. Yes, but

we both know what you had in mind for afters.

I think you'd better have lunch with Charlie.

Charlie?

Charlie?

I want you to take this young lady to lunch.

Good luck.

Present surprise?

You're always like that with girls.

Well, like what?

Well, like you are.

Oh, Channing you up?

Yes. Most of the time.

Well, he's the last sort of man I want for a father -in -law.

So it's all off.

Yep. Dad screwed it up again.

Never mind, Mike.

Cheer up.

It's all right for you. You've still got Pamela's phone.

You mean he hasn't even asked you to marry him yet?

Not in so many words.

Well, what exactly did he say in so many words?

It's lovely to meet you, and I hope to see more of you in the future.

Oh, Sally.

You called him a cradle -snatching Casanova? And a dirty old man.

Well, no wonder he hit you.

You're quite sure a pork chop's as good as a piece of steak?

I don't know, but it's either that or chicken wing.

He's got some good punches, that fella.

Well, you did accuse him of practically seducing Sally after he thought that

you'd tried it on with his daughter.

I told you I did not try it on with his daughter. I was only interested in

blotting paper, that's all.

Well, you've really upset Mike.

He says he's gone off girls for good. I'll believe that when I see it.

The pleasures of the flesh.

You're lucky you've had something to renounce.

Hello, everybody.

I've got some marvellous news. Good, we could do with some.

Oh, Mummy, I'm so happy.

How old is he?

He's just two years older than me.

Oh, that's nice, darling. Why don't you bring him round to meet us?