Original subtitles

Bless This House, Episode 5, VTR number 8809, Part 1.

Oh, that's great.

Thank you, matey.

Lovely. All right, I'll see you then. Shut up.

Who was that?

The garage. My new car will be here Monday.

Well, what about the old one?

They come to see at 12 o 'clock.

Well, Mike and Sally have borrowed it, but they'll be back by 12.

Good.

I think it's sad, really.

I'll be sorry to see it go.

I won't.

I don't know why we're getting rid of it. I love it. You do?

The way you knocked it about, I thought you hated it.

When did I ever knock it about?

What were all those dents in it then? Love bites?

Dents? What dents?

The dent in the offside door.

Well, that wasn't my fault. That was where that bus ran into me.

The dent in the wing?

That was where that dust cart ran into me.

And the dent in the bumper where the lamppost ran into you?

That doesn't count.

That's what bumpers are for.

What? To hit lampposts with?

To bump.

That's why they're called bumpers. If you can't bump with a bumper, what's the

point in having one?

Anyway, what about you and that filthy temper when you kicked the hubcap in?

Well, that's because the battery was flat.

Then why didn't you kick the battery in? Because I'm not the bloody acrobat.

Shall we change the subject?

Oh, I see. We can change the subject. Now it's got on to the damage you

I'll tell you what. Let's have a nice cup of coffee.

I'll tell you what I'll do with you. I'll let you have five minutes alone

it before they take it away.

How much are they offering you for it? About 350 part exchange.

Oh, you'd have done better to sell it privately.

Mike's friend would have given you a better deal than that.

Mike's friend?

That car dealer, Mr. Taplock.

Taplock? Fingers Taplock?

Yes, do you know him?

No, I don't know him, but he's a villain.

How can you say he's a villain when you don't even know him? Because everybody

around here says he's a villain, that's why. Why do you think they call him

Fingers? Well, Mike said he used to play the piano.

He did. In the concert party at Wormwood Scrubs.

And if Mike stays friendly with him, they finish up in there together playing

duets. Oh, don't be silly.

Sorry we're late, Dad.

We got held up. Yes, and it wasn't Mike's fault. What the hell is this?

Corned beef.

Corned beef?

Yes, and it wasn't Mike's fault. Will you stop saying it wasn't Mike's fault?

What wasn't Mike's fault? This.

mean it's all corned beef? The whole box full?

Well, I think so, Mum. That's what it says on the outside.

112 tins of corned beef.

Excuse me.

Produce of Argentina, Prima Qualidad.

Why did you buy 112 tins of corned beef?

We didn't buy it. What is this, a free sample?

No, we picked it up.

Picked it up?

Yeah, it fell off the back of a lorry.

He has already explained it. Didn't you hear what he said? It fell off the back

of a lorry. You know what that means? It's been pinched. Daddy, will you

I've heard enough, thank you.

You stay friendly with that geezer and you'll both finish up in the scrubs.

No, we won't. You won't? You'll go to Holloway.

Now, Sid, you've got to let Mike explain.

At least give him the chance.

All right.

I hope the magistrate knows the same. Go on. Thank you. You see, we were parked

at the traffic light. Behind this great big lorry. And all of a sudden, boom, it

drew away.

And this fell off the back.

Onto the bonnet.

The bonnet of my car?

Well, it's the only bonnet we had, Dad.

That's all right.

I'll get on to the insurance. We'll get a new car out of him. No, you won't,

Dad. What do you mean, I won't? He didn't stop.

That's all right. You got his number?

No.

You great stupid twit, you. Why didn't you get his number?

Would he be from part of the windscreen?

Oh, God.

250 quid?

That's all he offered me.

Oh, you get more than that for it, Sid, even with a bonnet basting. I know that,

mate, but you know what these dealers are?

Start giving me all the old chat.

Panel beaters have to be paid 500 pound an hour.

And to do the respray, they've got to fly a couple of millionaires in from Las

Vegas. What about the insurance thing?

Lose my no -claim bonus?

No, no, the lorry's insurance. I mean, you can trace them through the corned

beef company, can't you?

How? Well, you just go along and see them.

To Argentina?

That's a bloody long walk, you know.

Hey, Sid, I've had an idea.

Yeah? Have you met the new vicar? No, not yet.

Well, he came round the house last week. He was collecting stuff for his jumble

sale. He was looking for a car like yours.

What, for his jumble sale?

No, for himself.

He likes tinkering about with them. He don't mind if he's knocked about a bit.

He won't find one more knocked about than mine, mate.

Oh, well then, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll get him on the blower for you.

Tell him I want 400 quid.

I'll knock off 50 because he's the vicar.

Right.

Trev. Tell him I'm selling it for a merchant seaman who only uses it once a

when he comes home on leave.

Oh, do us a favour. See, I mean, he is the vicar, isn't he? All right, then

him it belongs to a sweet old lady who only uses it once a week to go to

Oh, God.

All right, God blimey, if you have to have it that way, tell him the truth. It

belongs to a salesman who knocks up 20 ,000 a year on it. Well, what's your own

o 'clock, then?

Nothing. Right.

It's broken.

Well, I'll tell you, we do 15 ,000. No, but that wouldn't be telling the truth,

would it? Yeah, well, I don't mind bending it a bit.

Hey, Trev.

In that case, tell him I do 10 ,000 a year.

Suit yourself.

Hey, Trev.

For the last two years, I've been in hospital.

Listen to this.

Dear sir, a crate of your corned beef fell off a lorry and is now in our

possession. As we would like to return it to the firm who were transporting it,

perhaps you would be good enough to trace them for us. The number of the

is F stroke K 1794.

Yours faithfully, Gina.

Aren't you going to mention the damage to our car?

Not till we hear from them.

You're not stupid, are you, Mummy? No, darling.

One of theirs is... Italy.

They'll never get it, Mummy.

Why not, dear?

Never mind.

I'll do the envelope.

Oh, thank you.

Eh? Yeah, yeah, OK.

All right, I'll tell him.

Tell her.

Oh, cheers, eh? Cheers.

What did he say? He's very interested.

What's he like?

He's a good bloke.

Very down -to -earth.

I mean, to talk to him, you'd never guess he was a vicar. He's more like one

the lads.

Go on. Yeah, he doesn't even wear a dog collar.

Doesn't he? Well, he says it makes people feel more at ease with him.

He must be one of these new with it sort of clergymen. Oh, he is. He's very with

it. I mean, he talks no different to what I do.

Another old Etonian.

Thank you.

Anyhow, he's got to do two christenings and he'll be right around to see you.

All right? All right. Thank you.

Here's a drink, mate.

Morning, Fingers. What do you think?

300, top whack. And that's only because you're a mate of mine. What? I think the

old man wants at least 350.

He's got to be unlucky, ain't he? Well, mind you, it's up to the old man. I

mean, if he thinks he can do better.

Oh, hello, Dad.

This gentleman has come to see about buying the car.

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, you were quick, weren't you?

Oh, yeah, well, I can't afford to hang about. I mean, in my game, time's money,

isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, well, would you go in there? I'll be in in a minute.

I'd better split, Dad. I'll see you later. Hang on.

How long have you been here?

About five minutes.

Five minutes?

Blimey, he belted through those christenings pretty quick, didn't he?

That's all right, come on.

Nice bit of silver, that.

Yeah, too nice, isn't it?

Nice stuff, silver.

Yes, you like it? I'd like to see a nice bit of silver. Are you collected?

Oh, well, yeah, I used to, in a manner of speaking, but not any more.

Well, no, it gets expensive, doesn't it? It is if you get caught.

You're sure?

Oh, yeah, you can get caught buying stuff, can't you? This is not half.

Would you like a cup of tea?

You ain't got a drop of scotch, have you?

Look.

There. There, sit down.

Anything with it?

No, straight, please.

Yeah?

Cheers. Cheers. You've had a busy afternoon, haven't you?

Yeah, I had a couple of spray jobs come in.

Spray jobs?

Oh, yes.

Oh, that's what you call them, is it? Spray jobs.

Yeah, very appropriate, that, yes.

Mind you, they were both legitimate.

Oh, yes, I'm sure they were. Mind you, I suppose you'd do them even if they

weren't. Oh, between you and me, I don't ask too many questions.

That's the way society is, can you?

I mean, if I didn't do them, they'd take them somewhere else. Of course.

I mean, you've got to be broad -minded, haven't you?

Exactly. So, if ever you want one done nice and quiet, I'll decide, like, I'm

the fella.

Well, that's very nice of you. Thank you very much. But I don't think I need

your services. I don't go in for that sort of thing. Well, I just thought I'd

mention it. Thank you. Now, about the car.

You've had a look at it, haven't you?

Yes, I have. Yes. I can go to 300.

300? I was asking for.

I do like a fella with a sense of humour.

That's very funny, that 400.

I suppose I could come down a little. You'll have to come down a lot. Will I?

I'll tell you, look. You look the decent sort of a fella.

Oh, I am, yeah.

I'll tell you what I'll do with you.

I'll give you 300 and I'll bung in a solid gold wristwatch.

Wristwatch? Yeah, look, I had it for a present, but I've already got one, see?

Yeah, I've got one too, see? Yeah, but not like that, you ain't. I mean, you

get 50 nicker for that anywhere. No bother. That comes from Bond Street.

Go on.

It's very pretty, isn't it? Yeah, nice.

Nice ticker and all, isn't it? Nice and quiet. Try it on.

Yes, hang on.

Hold that.

Oh, yes, that's very nice, isn't it? Yeah. Is it a deal?

Oh, yes.

Right.

Oh, you pay cash, do you? I always do.

10, 20, 30.

Oh, dear, there's one going on the floor.

Oh, it's all right. I'll get it. 50, 60, 70, 80, 90,

100, 110, 120, 130.

220, 230, 240, 250.

Yes, I sold it.

Who to?

The new vicar.

Oh, that's nice.

Is it?

Why are you looking so worried?

I watched him count out 300 quid here.

I checked it 48 times and I only make it 250.

That's no mistake.

I got a nasty feeling I did.

Why don't you pop down to the church and tell him about it?

What a good idea.

Daddy, the vicar's here.

Oh, thank you. There you are. He's brought you 50 pounds.

Come in, Vicar.

Mr. Abbott, I'm sorry I'm late. I had to do two christenings.

I've come about the car.

I'm home, and I've had a shocking day.

Haven't we all?

Pardon? I said, haven't we all?

You've had a shocking day as well?

We both have.

What happened? Did you fall off the sofa?

We've been out looking for work.

You ought to try it, Daddy. All day at that lousy labour exchange.

Oh, no wonder you want out.

You've just got it in for Mike, haven't you? He can't do anything right.

Oh, yes, he can. He can go out and get himself a decent job and earn an honest

living, not mixed with thieves and villains.

Dad, I've already told you. As soon as I get a job, I'll give you back that 50

quid. Why don't you get on your fingers and tell him to pay me?

I've tried, haven't I?

But nobody's seen him for three weeks. Nobody knows where he is. I'm sure they

don't know where he is, but I can tell you where he's been.

What do you mean?

I have received this lot.

Summons for leaving a car parked on a double yellow line in Watford.

Parking on a bus stop in Hounslow.

Parking meter offence in Acme.

Well, why have they summonsed you?

Because your friend's figure hasn't put the bloody logbook in to be changed, has

he? Well, he's probably forgotten.

He's forgotten to pay those as well, hasn't he? Oh, come on, Dad, just ignore

them. They can't do anything to you.

Oh, I know that, but blimey, I've got to write and explain and I haven't got the

time. I'm a really busy man. All right, all right, all right. Just give them to

me.

I'll deal with them for you. Thank you. Take your mind off the long, boring

days.

What are you doing?

Give me that.

That is the only way. way, Dad, when you're dealing with an idiot

You've got to show your contempt.

Mike's right, Daddy. We're people, not machines.

What's all the shouting about?

Your idiot son here's just gone and torn his up.

Oh, never mind, darling.

What do you mean, never mind?

There's three more here that came in the afternoon.

What are they, Sid?

Circulous? Summoners.

What have you done wrong?

I'll tell you what I've done wrong.

I've fathered this half -witted layabout here. That's what I've done wrong.

I can't summons you for that.

Don't I?

There we go.

Failing to stop at a pedestrian crossing in Ealing.

Double parking in Downing Street.

Threatening behaviour and abusive language to female traffic warden.

It wasn't me.

You've only had your new car three weeks.

It's not a new car, it's the old car.

You mean you weren't driving it? Well, of course I wasn't driving it.

official summonses.

Don't get excited. Give them to me.

Thank you. I've got enough paperwork to do.

It's the only thing to do, darling. Good for you, Mum. A little bit of official

paper comes through the door and Dad flips his wig.

It's their whole generation.

They're brainwashed.

It couldn't happen to your generation, could it? You've got no bloody brains to

wash.

I don't know what this country's coming to.

There's half... the people sitting in little offices making out forms for the

other half to fill in. And what with VAT and income tax and sending people the

wrong summaries... Excuse me.

Have you finished?

Yes, darling.

Dinner's ready. Thank you.

What is it?

Corned beef hash. Oh!

Well, you said you were sick of corned beef, Fritters. I am sick of corned beef

anything.

I don't know what you're moaning about.

Do you know how much it costs if you have to buy it?

I know what it costs if it drops on you.

I don't understand that corned beef company.

They never answered my letter.

They've probably got people like you working for them. As the mail comes in,

they tear it up.

Well, why should they?

I only wrote telling them that we had their corned beef. They just don't seem

want it.

Just as well, isn't it? We've just about had half of it.

Oh, no, we haven't.

34 tins. We've still got 78 to go.

Hey, Sal,

anything for me?

No, just the usual.

How many today?

About ten.

Gosh, Fingers is really moving about, isn't he?

Well, we don't know his finger, do we? I mean, he could have sold it to somebody

else by now. It's possible, but looking at those, I'd say it was fingers.

Shall we open them before we... No, no point, sir. Let's get rid of them before

Dad sees them.

Poor Daddy.

He must be terrible to live like he does.

Very proud of the postman.

I'll put him in the dustbin.

Hi, Dad.

Any post?

No. Thank God.

I'm just popping out, darling. I made you some coffee. Oh, thanks, Mummy. Will

you keep an eye on your lunch? It's on the stove. OK.

Oh, and all those things are for the vicar when he calls.

Bye, darling.

Bye -bye.

Well, be long. Be long.

Lunch is on the stove, is it?

Let's see what it is.

Excuse me.

Bully beef, bloody ass!

I'll just have a cup of coffee.

That'll be the bit you call him for the rubbish. Let him in.

Mr. Sidney Abbott? No, I'm his son. But I did used to go to Sunday school up at

the corner.

Oh, I'm terribly glad to hear that.

Well, you are the new vicar, aren't you? No, no, not quite.

I'm a police officer.

What's it about?

29 motoring offenses.

He's not in.

When will he be back?

He won't. He's gone to Australia.

Who's gone to Australia?

Are you Mr. Sidney Abbott, sir?

Yes, that's right. I'm a police officer.

Welcome home, sir. Thank you very much.

I wouldn't pay too much attention to him. He's got a very strange sense of

humour. Get in the kitchen.

Now, how about these summons, sir?

Oh, I can explain that. Come in.

Here we are.

Like a cup of coffee?

Oh, that's very kind of you, sir. Thank you.

I'll have that. Thank you.

Here we are.

Thank you, there.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I meant there, you see.

We've been keeping this chair for the vicar.

Really? Yes.

What have you got against him?

You'll be all right. I'm sorry about that. You'll find the states will come

I wonder where that came from.

I think I can tell you, sir.

British Rail.

It's funny how you pick these things up, you know.

Oh, is it?

Do tell me, sir. Why don't you sit down, please?

Thank you.

It's all right. It's quite safe. We all use it.

Now then, about these summonses. Yes? Now, I sold the car.

Oh, when? About five weeks ago.

And who bought it?

Mr. Tap... Mr.

Taplock.

Fingers Taplock?

Oh, you know him?

Yes, I know him. Well, you would, wouldn't you? Yes.

Why would I?

Well, I mean, he's a well -known dealer, isn't he?

And just how well do you know him, sir? Well, I don't know him at all. I never

set eyes on him. Except when I sold him the car, you know.

What was the registration number of this car?

Uh, BPG 934B.

And have you any actual proof that you sold it to him?

Well, you've only got to ask him, haven't you?

All right.

Let's go and ask him. Hang on a second. I don't think I have the faintest idea

where we'll find him.

Ah.

I see.

Well, I want to find him, don't I? Blimey, he owes me 50 quid.

How much did he give you for the car, sir? Well, he was supposed to give me

quid and a wristwatch.

A wristwatch, do you mean, sir?

No, no, I wasn't going to say that at all. Do you mind if I have a look at it,

sir? Well, I don't wear one, see.

What a coincidence, sir, there's one on the other wrist.

Very observant, aren't you?

Very nice, that one. It's a good ticker. Have a listen. Go on.

There's nothing wrong with it, is there?

Yes. Nothing wrong with it? No, not a thing. No, it hasn't been stolen, has

You think it may be stolen?

No, I didn't say that, no.

Yet, knowing it could be stolen property, you accepted it in part

car? You got it all wrong, you see. I thought he was a clergyman.

You thought Fingers Tablock was a clergyman?

Yes.

It is funny, isn't it?

Mind you, I do find it very hard to believe. I'm afraid I find it all very

to believe, sir. Ah, just a minute, mush. We're a law -abiding family. We've

never done a crooked thing in our lives.

Belvedere Hotel.

Yeah, that's just a souvenir. I got to know one of the chambermaids, you know.

What's that smell?

Smell? Sally?

It's all right, Daddy. We've burned the pot.

Burned what pot?

Not the pot, no, no, the hash. Hash?

No!

Not that kind of hash!

Bully beef hatch!

I suppose that really is bully beef, is it?

Of course it is.

Look! We've got loads of it!

Just where did all this come from?

It fell off the back of a lorry.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no. What my sister means is... Shut up!

Shut up. I'm in enough trouble. Yes, I'm afraid you are, sir.

Now, look, this really did fall off the back of a lorry. Right into the bonnet

of my car. Made a bloody great dent in it.

Well, I didn't see any dent in it. Well, you haven't seen the car, have you?

Yes, I have. When? About five minutes ago. Where?

Parked outside your house.

Outside here? That's right. Shall we go and have a look at it, sir?

How do you explain that, Ben?

It's like some horrible nightmare.

And it hasn't ended yet.

Shall we go, sir?

It's him.

Who? Fingers?

The vicar.

He must have bought it. He's the bloke you're looking for. Go on.

Excuse me, sir.

Is this your car?

Yes, this is my car.

Well, I'm a police officer.

Could I see your license, please?

Yes. Have it here. Will you do me a favour? Take that blasted

thing and burn it.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

What have I done?

They kept that poor vicar in the police station all night.

Well, that's all right. He proved that he bought the car from Fingers.

I'm the bloke you ought to be sorry for. It's cost me 50 quid. I've lost my

wristwatch.

I know this bloody thing stopped.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hiya. Good afternoon.

Gonzales and company. I understand you've got a crate of our corned beef

you've found.

No, no, no, not really.

But we've got a letter.

Letter?

We didn't send you a letter, did we?

No.

Somebody's been pulling your leg, baby.

Oh, I see.

Oh, by the way, do you know where that new car belongs to outside?

Yeah, that's mine.

In a lovely colour.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, but as I was pulling in, my tailbone dropped.

And my load fell on the top of my bloody car.