Original subtitles

Let This House, Episode 4, VTR number 8808, Part 1.

Oh, well, well.

I see they're in their usual horizontal position.

Don't start a family feud, Sid.

Weekends are for relaxing in, so sit down and relax.

After all, relaxing is what stops people from cracking up.

Where are you going?

I'm going into the kitchen to crack up.

Come here, my darling. Look, I will not have you working yourself to death in

this house. There's no need for it.

But I've got the lunch defeated.

Well, I can see to their own lunch, they're not invalids.

Even if they look like it.

Let me sit down.

Get them off there.

Get them off.

There we are.

There's the knitting.

Enjoy yourself.

Thank you.

Everything all right?

Fine. Comfy?

Mm -hmm.

Relaxed? Yes.

Good.

What's for lunch?

I knew it was too good to be true. I never...

for somebody to do something about it, I'd go into the kitchen and I'd get

myself a sandwich.

All right, my darling.

Don't get yourself into a state. I'll go into the kitchen and get myself a

sandwich. Good.

Sally.

Make me a sandwich.

I thought you said you were going to get one. Well, I will go in there and get

it, but it's not made for me to go get yet, is it?

Sally.

Oi, Sally.

Do you think you could do me a big favour? Get up off your...

bottom, and go into the kitchen and make your father a teeny -weeny little

sandwich. Daddy, for the last two chapters, Hooker's been working on

they're just about to get it together.

Yeah, well, before they do, I'd like a sandwich.

Listen to this.

He ran his trembling hand down the length of her flaxen hair.

He felt the soft throat, and his hand slid caressingly over her silken

and down towards... Do you mind, please?

in time, didn't she?

He took her in his arms, her black curls... Hang on, hang on. I thought you

she had flaxen hair.

She's gone upstairs to get dressed.

Oh, I see.

He's working on her mother now.

Put that down. It's disgusting.

Go on.

Go on. Make me a sandwich.

I'll have cheese and tomato, please.

I'll bet you 50 quid I finish up with page 17 and tomato sauce.

What's he twitching for?

Mine.

against you.

Mike! Hang on.

Oi!

What's the matter?

Your mother is knitting you a sweater and she'd like your cooperation.

Oh, come on, Dad. You know I can't knit. Get up.

I just want to try it against you.

Don't keep him on his feet too long. You'll need a blood transfusion.

What's this supposed to be?

It's a sandwich.

A sandwich, as far as I know, is supposed to be two pieces of bread with

something in the middle.

I do know that, Daddy.

All I've got in the middle here is fresh air.

That's what the tomato's for.

I see.

Oh, dear, I turned the fridge up too high.

Never mind, darling, it'll thaw out.

The only way to thaw that out is play golf with it.

I'll get myself a sandwich.

Well, the cheese is in the fridge as well, so that'll be the same. I'll do

All right, I'll get it.

Don't sit down.

I knew I'd end up doing it.

There she is.

I thought I'd pop in. I won't keep you long.

Have you got any spare sugar?

Can I have some spare... Thank you.

As I was about to say, you don't have to have any spare washing powder, do you?

Oh, sit down, Betty. Yes, I have.

You know, it's amazing how you run short of things when there's a baby in the

house. How is Dominic? He's lovely and ever so bright.

Another week and he'll be off the bottle.

More than I can say for his father.

Up to your bloody knees in our washing powder.

He doesn't like to show his emotions in front of people.

He usually waits till they've gone.

What I was going to say was, I'd like to go away.

Yes.

Yes what?

You should go away.

I said to Trevor, I said, I've had a break, not one single break since the

Dominic was born. I mean, not that he's any trouble, he's marvellous, it's just

that, well, there is a limit to what one can put up with, isn't there?

Oh, I agree, Betty.

You should go away.

Just two days.

That's all I ask.

Just two days.

Well, that's not much to ask, is it, Sid?

Aye. Betty going away for two days. She should go away for two years.

Hi, Sid.

Hello, Sid. Hello, Drex.

Hello, darling. Your son isn't asleep?

Uh, no, not yet. Well, where is he?

Well, look, calm down, Betty. I'll put him in a carry cot. Carry cot? Alone?

Well, it's all right. He's like this all the time. I can't even trust him with

his own son. Do you know yesterday he was hanging upside down in...

she'd get round to telling you about it.

Oh, we'll always be grateful to you for this, Sid.

Don't be silly, Trevor. Why should you be grateful?

Bet you need to rest, and that's that.

You're a world of good too, mate. Oh, thanks, Sid.

Thanks, G. I mean, it's only two days and one night, and Dominic's no trouble.

mean, once you put him in bed, you won't hear a murmur. No, no, Trevor. You know

something, Sid?

It's at times like this you know who your real friends are. Thanks, Sid.

Thanks, G.

Trevor. Trevor!

this time all hell's going to be let loose in this house.

What's ridiculous about looking after one harmless, innocent little baby?

He's not harmless and he's not innocent.

If he's not burping at one end, he'll be doing something just as... Well,

I'm looking forward to it. I like little babies.

You haven't had one, that's why.

Your mother and I have done it twice, you and him.

Come on, Dad. Dominic's only three months old.

Nobody's three months these days. Everybody's born old.

I promise you, he doesn't have to sit up. He'll tear this place apart just

down.

There we are.

One little baby.

Oh, there's my little baby. Boy, that's my little baby.

There you are, sir. Everything you can possibly need there.

Babe, come and have a look. Isn't he lovely?

Yeah, lovely.

Thanks again, Steve. I won't forget this.

Neither will I, Trev.

I'd best get back to Betty. She's crying, you see.

I mean, it's her mother's love. Very moving.

She hates to leave him. Does she?

Oh, yes, Sid. It breaks her heart.

Take him back, then.

Now, off you go, Trevor. Have a lovely time, both of you. And don't worry,

because everyone here is going to devote every second to looking after your

baby. Oh, that's super. That's really smashing. Thanks again. And like I said,

mean, it's no trouble. It's as good as gold.

You won't even know you've got it.

Bye, then, Trevor. Ta -da. Ta -da.

I can see him from here.

He shoved his dummy in his mouth.

I've tried that. He's bored with it. Well, dip it in whiskey or something.

It may come as a surprise to you, Sidney Abbott, but Trevor and Betty went to a

lot of trouble to get that baby.

And when we hand it back, they'll expect it to be sober.

Listen to it.

and our kids never behaved like that.

How would you know? The minute they were born, you went on to sleeping pills.

I had to dress them and you every morning.

Well, what do I do now?

Well, rock it, of course.

Oh, God, he's been sick.

Sing to him.

Sing to him.

Oh, yes.

Rock -a -bye, baby, at the treetop. When the wind blows, the cradle

will rock.

And if the bell breaks, the cradle will fall.

And down will come baby cradle.

I'm wasting my time.

No, it's all right.

All right, mate, you're going to love this.

Oh, yes, here we go.

This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy stayed home.

This little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy went wee -wee -wee

Oh, God, it's all down the table.

I'll have to change him.

It's not him that wants changing, it's me.

some pyjamas.

There. It's bloody ridiculous a man my age walking about in the middle of the

night flicking his leg like a grasshopper.

There's a little boy.

Who looks like his mummy then? Poor little son.

Don't let him look like her, he sounds like her.

Look, you hold him and let me do his cushions.

What are the others supposed to be doing while we're standing here playing pass

the parcel?

Well, don't blame them. We're the ones who offered.

Well, they encouraged us, didn't they?

What's wrong with it, they said.

Oh, what's wrong with it? Grab hold of him. Go on. Put him in there and bring

him out there.

Get up.

Get up.

Daddy, what is it?

What's the matter, Daddy?

Daddy, your pyjamas are all wet.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

That's big news. Good night. Just a minute. Come in. Here you are.

All his things are in the cot. Thank you, madame. You go back to bed.

Right. You are on the bottle.

You are on the nappies.

I don't think I've ever seen an achy baby boy before.

I've changed my mind.

You are on the bottle and you are on a nappy.

What are you doing putting salt on his chips?

I'm powdering him.

You'd have to take his nappy off first, you fool.

Isn't my scene... Come here a minute.

Take that.

Go into the bathroom, take your trousers off and practice on yourself for a

while.

Thank you.

Have they managed himself?

If they're the parents of the future, God help us.

Where's lunch, then?

We haven't had time to make lunch. We've been up with the baby all night.

What baby?

Oh, the baby!

Oh, he's dropped off then.

Oh, yes.

After we've cuddled him and rocked him and fed him and changed him.

Tickled him and sung to him.

Gagged him and tossed him.

Mike, stop it. We're telling your father what we did, not what we wanted to do.

wake me up, I'd have done my share.

Well, you can do it now, dear.

You're the day shift.

You know I love you. And you love me, right? And a fellow when he gets to my

age, it's necessary to spend his Sundays going for gentle walks in the park,

listening to Mantovani.

Then listen to Mantovani.

How can I listen to Mantovani with him doing his bloody Mick Jagger all over

place?

And take Mick Jagger with you. Good night.

All right.

All right, all right.

Let me get my hat and coat and we go for some nice little walkies in the

parkies.

We all do.

It's what keeps us young and alive.

Hello, Betty. Hello, Trevor.

Hello, Mummy.

Mike, close your mouth. You'll frighten the budgie.

Oh, what a drag night that was.

That's me off kids for life.

And me.

lost him. I mislaid him.

Have a cup of coffee. No, thanks. I had his bottle in the park.

You've never been in the park?

I have three or four of them.

What have you done with the baby?

Well, I was taking him for these walkies and I saw these two kids and I gave

them 50p each to take him for some more walkies.

Then the cops arrived and before I could stop them, they took the baby away.

Why?

I think they thought the kids had stoned him.

Didn't you tell them it was yours?

They laughed their bleeding heads off.

What a bloody cheek, innit?

No wonder they didn't believe it was your baby.

Man of your age.

How dare you?

Well, what are we going to do now?

Well, you're going to collect him. That's what you're going to do. He's at

Putney Police Station.

Well, Daddy, Mike and I aren't married.

Well, you can pretend you are married, can't you? That's embarrassing, Daddy.

I know it is. Nobody would ever believe you could pick him.

Blood test.

She's tacked normally.

Fine.

We can't just walk into a police station and say it's our baby.

Why not?

I haven't even got a wedding ring. Give me that tin over there.

You sort yourself out something from this lot. There you are.

There you are. See?

It's nice, isn't it?

Off you go.

We usually charge for services like this, Dad.

Parasites. He's taking a long time, your Sid, isn't he? Oh, don't worry, Betty.

He's marvellous with children and very reliable.

We haven't lost a baby yet.

Hello. Hello, Sid.

Have a good walk, darling.

It was very nice, wasn't it?

You've been a long time.

Four hours, to tell you the truth.

Hey, Sid, he is a baby, you know. Not an Afghan hound.

These people deserve a bit of peace, Betty. I think we ought to be going. No,

no, no. No rush, is there? You must be tired, aren't you? I mean, it's hard

looking after a baby.

No, it's nothing, isn't it?

No, nothing.

We've done it before, haven't we? Yes, I have.

Well, where is he, then?

Who? My little Dominic, of course. Who do you think I mean? Oh, him.

He's gone for walkies.

On his own?

No, he's gone with Mike and Sally.

But it'll be dark soon.

But the nightlife will do him good, won't it?

Cheers, Steve.

Cheers. Why don't you have one yourself?

No, thanks.

I'll have a drop of gripe water.

Cheers.

Do

you

get the impression that they're tired?

Of course they're tired.

I mean, you need a bloody night watchman to look after that kid.