Original subtitles

Hello, darling.

Been shopping?

No, I was just walking along the street minding my own business and suddenly

this food trolley started chasing me.

One of those days, isn't it?

Well, it's a silly question, isn't it?

I mean, it's like me saying, hello, dear, are you having a cup of tea?

I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?

If somebody's sitting with a cup of tea, they're obviously drinking a cup of

tea, aren't they? Yes, darling.

Pour me another cup of coffee, will you?

What's the matter, then?

Oi, oi, oi, oi. Would you mind telling me what the trouble is?

You don't hold proper conversations with me.

You never ask what's worrying me.

All right. What's worrying you?

Well, I bought a new coat and it cost £25.

There's nothing to worry about.

All right, so today you went out and you bought a new coat and it cost you 25

quid, right?

So tomorrow you can take it straight back again.

I don't want to take it back.

No, it's not ready yet.

I'm starving.

You're always starving. You've got a stomach like a galvanised bin.

Will somebody ask your father, does he want a ham salad, a cheese salad or a

salmon salad?

Will somebody tell your mother I want an egg salad?

Here we go. Another happy Saturday lunch. Heads or tails?

Sales it is. You're on Mum's side.

I'm on your side, Mummy. I'm on your side, Dad.

That should be a big help.

I bought a new coat. And just because it cost £25, your father won't let me have

it. But, Daddy, isn't it worth £25 to have a pretty wife?

Not if she's going to have a broken -down husband.

Oh, that's a bit uncool, Dad. You're such a generous person, Daddy.

Yeah, a real way -out guy.

I'm way out, all right. Blimey, way out of pocket. Look at this. Gas, £16.

Electricity. Hello, hello, hello.

Saturday lunch and all is... not well.

I'll come back later.

What a good idea.

Oh, well, I'll tell you the good news later and all.

Betty's left you.

Thank you.

Now, it's nothing to do with me, Sid. It's you.

Me? Yeah. I mean, what would you do if you heard something to your advantage?

Drop dead with shock.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about last night's evening paper. That's what I'm talking about. I

mean, it's all there, isn't it?

Page five, column two.

Well, if it's fishing tackle, forget it. I'm still pushing for my new coat.

It's Sidney Abbott, it said.

Last heard of in Wapping, 1942, it said. Or contact somebody or other, it said.

He will leave us something to his advantage, it said. Remember, Dad? I'm

side, Shadow.

Did you bring the paper with you? No, no, we don't take it. Betty just rang up

from her mother's.

Where's last night's paper?

Where's last night's...

And then you won't be able to contact whoever you're supposed to contact, and

you won't hear to your advantage, and I won't get my new coat.

Where's my bloody paper?

I read it near last night. I'm not in the habit of putting newspapers in

fridges. So where is it?

Oh, there it is!

I've got it.

Page 5C.

Comment 2.

1, 2, 3, 4, 7.

Whose page is page 5 and 6?

Lock the door, there's nobody out.

For heaven's sake.

What have you done with Paige Farmer? Oh, I just remembered, the budgie's got

it. What the hell does he want?

Well, I ran out of stands, so I used... Excuse me, Jolly, I'm very sorry.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, God, look at that, all over the personal column.

Try under the lettuce leaf, Daddy.

Caravan sites, lost and found. If I don't find this mate, you'll be in this

column tomorrow.

Personal column continued. Sidney Abbott.

Wapping, 1942.

Ring Mr Sayers.

283 -0811.

What were you doing in Wapping in 1942, Daddy?

Oh, whatever he was doing. He wasn't doing it with me.

I prepped some bird. He's left you a family mansion seat. Great.

Or money.

Great. Or both.

Great. He's like a bloody retarded parrot.

I've forgotten the number.

2 -8 -3 -0 -8 -1 -1. All right, now, would you mind standing back, please? It

said, would Sidney Abbott contact him? Now, right, thank you.

2 -8 -3 -0 -8 -1 -1. I know it!

8 -1 -1.

Hello, it is.

I'm starting my new car. Well, just suck yourself into the toilet and stay

there. Go on, up it. Come along. Your father's quite right. It's not our

business.

Mr Sayers speaking.

Oh, I'm speaking on behalf of Sidney Abbott. I was in your column in last

night's paper. Something about hearing to my advantage.

Oh, yes, certainly, Mr Abbott. It concerns the will of your friend, Mr

Adams.

Gertie Adams?

I didn't know I had a friend called Gertie Adams.

Well, you don't have now, do you?

Oh, no. Well, that's a shame, isn't it, really? What happened?

Yes, well, I'm very sorry about that. I mean, well, it happens to us all,

doesn't it? I mean, you know, I mean, she was such a nice lady. Who was she?

She was the owner of the Wahai Club in Wapping.

Oh!

Oh, that Gertie Adams!

Oh, yes, she was a lovely lady, that one.

Dead generous, she was, too, I tell you. Mind you, I do her a few personal

favours myself.

Do you have a family, Mr Abbott?

He has a wife.

son and a daughter. And a friend.

But mind you, I only acquired them after Gertie Adams.

You know, I mean, they don't even know about dear Auntie Gertie.

Only Miss Adams included your family in her will.

Yes, I haven't.

Yes, well, I'm an honest, upright man, Mr. Sayers, and I promise you they'll

their fair share of the money.

The details of their share is already settled in the will, Mr. Abbott. So if

you'll all come round to my office on Monday morning, about half past ten, and

we'll clear the whole thing up.

Fine, thank you.

Marvellous, isn't it?

Everybody else is a wife and kids.

I'd finish up with a Sherlock Holmes and a litter of bloodhounds.

So, who was dear old Aunty Gertie, then? Oh, she was an old woman, a very, very

old, old woman.

How old?

Well, I was 20 at the time, and even then she was all gnarled and wizened and

bent. And blonde?

Brunette. No, I mean... I mean, that's what she told me, because when I met

her hair had all fallen out, you see.

I see.

So when you were 20, you spent all your time doing little favours for a bent,

bald, old brunette.

I see now all the other fellas in the club as well.

No wonder she was bald, double and bent.

That's quite enough from you.

I thought you were in the desert when you were 20.

I was on leave at the time.

Oh, Mummy, I'm just going to buy everything.

I'm going to spend and spend and spend until there's nothing left in the shops,

Daddy. I think that's disgraceful. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Spending money that belonged to your father's other woman.

She was not my other woman. You were my other woman.

Daddy, do you mean you were two -timing? I wasn't doing anything.

Well, if you weren't doing anything, who's our father?

Who was their father?

I'm their fleeting father, aren't I?

Well, maybe you ought to know you were there at the time.

Well, Mr.

Nicholas, I was 26 when I met you. You didn't expect me to come to you in

perfect nick, did you?

All deep frozen, wrapped in polythene.

I was a man, a real, alive, living man.

Daddy's right, Mummy.

I'd hate to marry a virgin man.

By the time he gets me to the altar, I want him to have a gold medal.

There you are.

See that?

That is my daughter.

Just like her daddy, but a head full of brains.

Get upstairs.

Have a bit of respect.

Are we all here?

Yes. Good.

Well, now then.

Now, um... Oh, do sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Now, as you know, this concerns the will of Miss Gertie Adams, now deceased.

And the paragraph in the will which concerns you is as follows.

To the wife and any children of Sidney Abbott...

I bequeath a sum of 100 pounds each.

Now? Can we have it now?

Provided that they are not estranged from him and their presence is

to his happiness.

Mrs. Abbott?

Oh, yes, I make him very happy.

Miss Abbott?

So do I.

Mr. Michael Abbott?

Well, Mum and Dad are always fighting, but I'm always on his side. Put him down

for a yes.

I'll dump him later.

And to dear Sidney, who gave me so many happy moments in the summer of 1942,

when he and I spent our evenings sitting on the third bench on the left in

Kensington Gardens, Clapham Common.

And I remember with particular delight our Saturday nights at the Wahé Club.

I bequeath him my most treasured possession, it being my wish... that he

upon it loving care, whereupon my dear Sidney will receive the sum of 300

pounds. 300 quid!

Well, thank you. It's been very nice doing business with you. Good afternoon.

Oh, Mr.

Abbott. Yes?

The day of its proven natural death.

Its death?

Tinkerbell's.

Tinkerbell? Yes, Mr. Abbott. Her cat.

Very nice.

If things go the way I'm hoping, you'll have a fur collar for it soon.

You've only yourself to blame. You've had your fun. Now you've got to pay for

it.

My new hi -fi's fantastic, Daddy.

Come and listen to it. I've heard it. Says everybody else for four miles.

And I bought you a present, Daddy.

Oh, I hope it's a pair of earplugs.

Leave it there. Perhaps his neck will shrink.

Siege, you should be ashamed of yourself. You know it won't shrink.

You'll strangle it, and that's what you want, isn't it?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Who wants a strangled cat?

That's my new car!

Listen to that blasted thing. Every time he blows it, the neighbours come

galloping out to buy ice cream.

It should be. It costs more than a car.

Tea's ready.

All right, I'm coming.

Oh, all right, come on, you crummy old...

Hey, listen.

His engine's running.

There we are. Oh, just a minute. Don't put him down, Sid.

I must get the putty out of the way.

There we are, my little beauty.

There's your pussy junkies. There we are. And there's your vitamins.

And now my little precious is going to have his milky way. Wilkie.

Excuse me, but do you think Siddy Whitty could have his cheesy reason?

Oh, yes, sorry, dear.

There we are.

Do you mind if I do a quick swap with him?

What's wrong now?

He's got three courses.

I don't know what's the matter with you. You're just jealous.

You've begrudged everybody everything.

You're even jealous of that poor little defenceless creature down there.

Little defenceless creature?

He eats more than a bloody tiger.

So what do you want me to do, starve him to death? So you can get 300 pounds?

Oh, dear.

I love that cat. I'd be very upset if anything happened to it.

I'm an animal lover. I mean, even the goldfish gets excited when I come home.

Water twice, and both times he went down the sink.

But I rescued him, didn't I?

Well, that couldn't have been a very happy experience.

I mean, how was he to know you were going to be at the other end of the

with a chip past you?

I'll tell you something, that fish loves me, and so does little Joey there.

Thank you, mate.

And the cat here. They all love me, and I love them.

I love all God's little creatures. Of course you do, darling.

Now eat your sardines.

I'm telling you, Trev, that bloody thing's lying there getting fatter and

healthier every day.

The answer's simple, isn't it, Sid? You just take him out and lose him.

Then you telephone the solicitor, tell him it's missing, presume killed, and

collect your lolly. Not as easy as that. The will says proven natural death.

They want a body, won't they?

Well, you can borrow one, can't you?

From the cat's home.

you think I am? Dracula?

Am I not walking about with a dead cat in my briefcase?

Look, Sid, if you do as I tell you, you can use that 300 quid to keep the cat in

a state of luxury.

He's already lured in a state of bleeding luxury.

I'll snuff it before he does.

I don't know what you're worried about, Sid. I really don't. Trevor, I'm a very

sensitive man.

Yes, Sid. Right is right and wrong is wrong.

Well, that's a very noble thought, Sid. We'll drink to that one. Good idea.

There's scruffy, crummy tomcats everywhere.

Live ones and missing ones and stuffed ones.

Live ones, missing ones.

Stuffed ones.

I don't understand him.

When I went out this morning, it was alive and well.

And when I got home later, he was dead and ill.

He'll come back soon.

Back soon?

How can he come back soon? He's stuck.

What I mean is we've got another one very much like him. Similar to him.

Almost the same.

Identical, in fact.

No one to stroke his little head and to tell him we cared.

No one to comfort him.

Oh, go on, Blum. You'll have me at it in a minute.

I'll tell you what, Dad.

What? That cat's different.

Different? What do you mean?

It's changed its sex.

Don't sit over there.

Stop being personal.

Well, there's one other point, Dad.

Why don't you go and play on the level crossing?

Why couldn't we just have buried him in the garden? Because I don't like

burying. How would you like to be buried?

Yeah, Dad's right.

Burying's uncool.

Thank you. Tell you what we'll do.

When you go, we'll have you stuffed.

I don't have money at a time like this. Sorry, Daddy. Don't you think I have any

finer feelings? Do you think all I care about is money, money, money?

Who can that be?

It's the vet.

It's a bit late for the vet, isn't it? What do you want with him?

Because I can't get the money without a certificate.

Here, put these on quick.

Here we are.

Put that on. Go out from the door and let him in.

I thought you didn't care about the money.

I probably phoned him up when I was in such a terrible state and didn't know

what I was doing.

One bet.

Good evening.

You're supposed to wear that thing around your arm, you twit.

You do your thing, Dad.

I'll do mine.

How do you do?

I believe you want me to examine your cat.

Oh, thank you. Yes, there it is.

Yes. Well, I think we can establish one thing quite definitely.

Yes?

It's dead.

We know it's dead.

We want a piece of paper to say why it's dead.

Then my husband can get his money.

Cat flu can often be fatal.

Did it appear to have any signs of a cold?

No. Yes.

They don't know. I mean, I was the one who was closest to him. I mean, I would

have... I think I've caught it now.

The problem is we don't actually issue death certificates for cats.

And it would be highly unprofessional, if not impossible, for me to give an

opinion. I mean, there's nothing to examine, is there?

It's full of straw.

Have a good look. Go and have a really good look. I mean, it's obvious, isn't

it? Natural causes.

Well, actually, it all seems most unnatural to me.

Well, you've got to admit one thing, haven't you? I mean, it was quick,

it? Look, he hasn't even had time to lie down.

If you'll just give us the paper, we'll find lots of other business for you.

Well, I'd like to help, but I can't say natural causes, because that usually

occurs in old cats, and this is quite a young animal.

I can't say cat flu, because there'll be obvious signs.

Well, something's happened to him, hasn't it?

Of course, it could have been poison.

Poison?

But that's only guessing, isn't it?

Very nice of you to come. Thank you very much. I'll send you a bill.

I'm sure it was cat flu.

Yes, well, if your tail droops and your whiskers start to fall out, just let me

know, will you?

You poisoned him! I did not poison him!

You said if things went the way you hoped, I'd have a fur collar for my new

coat.

For your information, this is not our cat.

This was somebody else's cat. Our cat is safe and sound.

Then whose cat did you poison?

I'll poison you in a minute.

Now you'll have the truth. Here he is, Trevor. Hello, Sid. Trevor. Hello,

everybody. You never mind about the etiquette. Now then, tell them I didn't

poison the cat.

Oh, Sid didn't poison the cat. Thank you.

Tell them where I got that one from.

Well, Tinkerbell had been feeling... Tell him the truth, you fool!

Where did I get that cap?

To your taxidermist. Thank you. Now tell him why I did it. To get the money.

To give Tinkerbell a safe, happy, luxurious life.

To give Tinkerbell a safe, happy, luxurious life. Thank you very much.

Did you get the certificate, sir? No, I told you it wouldn't work. He wants a

proper body.

Now tell him where Tinkerbell is.

I don't know, sir.

I hope you're all satisfied and I hope you feel deeply ashamed of having

what I... What did you say?

I don't know where the cat is, Steve. What do you mean you don't know where

cat is, Steve? Well, I lost him.

Lost him? Well, he came in the house, took one look at the dog and

Last time I saw him, he was heading towards Putney.

boil some water and pour it all out of me.

There's a letter for you.

I'm paralysed. You open it.

You sure he hasn't sneaked in while I haven't been looking?

No, he can't have done. Joey's still all right.

It's a cheque.

Cheque?

Three hundred pounds.

Three hundred quid? Who's that from?

Mr Sayers.

When Trevor lost Tinkerbell, he said, under the circumstances, you were

to the money.

You mean he didn't want a certificate or a body?

No, he took my word for it.

Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, don't be silly, darling. You're an intelligent man.

It takes somebody stupid to think of a clever thing like that.

I don't want it.

What? It's evil.

What are you talking about?

Well, Blimey, if it wasn't for me, that cat would be here, safe and sound.

He's probably a pair of firm mittens by now.

Oh, darling, you've done everything you could.

You rang the cats home, you've slept... Two nights in the kitchen in case they

came back.

What more could a man do?

I don't want it. Give it to the cat's home.

Don't you think you ought to ever think about it? I've thought about it. Take it

out. Get it out of the house, quick.

Quick! All right, darling.

Hello, Steve.

What do you want?

Well, I thought I'd come round and see if there was any news about anything.

I've got a cheque for 300 quid. Oh, congratulations!

See, that's smashing. I'm really pleased to hear that. I don't want to talk

about it.

I want my tinkerbell back.

Yeah, well, I think I can arrange that seat. You've arranged enough already,

thank you. Only I thought to myself, you see, I thought that seat is a law

-abiding man, I thought. The only way he can get that money is in a law -abiding

way. So if he thinks he's really lost the cat, I thought, well, he'll have

nothing on his conscience.

So I said I'd lost it.

But I haven't.

Well, Nancy!

Where's the check? I've changed my mind.

Well, you can't. Oh, I have. Where's the check?

You said send it to the capstone, so I did.

Oh, by carrier pigeon?

No, I readdressed it and gave it to the paperboy to post.

Hey!

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