All language subtitles for Bless This House s03e12 A Girls Worst Friend Is Her Father

Bless This House, Episode 1, 7494, Take
1.

Ooh, you shocking looking thing, you.

Vitality plus.

The eternal youth capsule.

Add zing to your life.

Could do with a bit of zing.

Protects in your sex.

Do with a bit of that as well.

One of one's enough.

Might as well make sure.

No, I haven't.

Have you been taking those sex pills
again?

Those sex... Those pills are for my
liver.

They don't send liver pills through the
post in a plain sealed wrapper.

You know far too much for your age.

I'm not a girl anymore.

Anyway, I saw where you bought the
advertisement for the Sunday paper.

Yeah, well, they're just vitamin pills,
really, that's all.

Yes, Daddy.

Do they work?

Mind your own business.

Don't you dare.

Thank you.

What did your last servant die of?

Asking too many questions.

Plug that in, make your mother a cup of
coffee and take it upstairs.

You needn't bother, I'm up.

Oh, everybody's up early this morning.

I thought I'd have my bath before the
rest of you used all the hot water.

Well, how are you feeling, Sally?

I didn't sleep much. I was worried about
the interview.

I'll never forget my first job. I was in
a solicitor's office.

I can just see you now, Daddy.

Thank you.

It was a good job. It had good
prospects.

Mr Petherbridge thought a lot of me. He
thought I had a great future with the

firm. How long were you there?

Two days.

Two days?

Yeah, well, I did something he didn't
like.

What was that?

I set fire to the stockroom.

Well, why would you do that?

I didn't do it on purpose.

I was giving a quiet smoke behind the
files, you see, and I thought I'd put

fag out, but I... Blimey, it didn't half
go up. What did Mr Petherbridge...

Very much. You swore I looked.

I'm not surprised.

I'll take my coffee upstairs.

And I'll go and do my hair.

And I'll pour myself a cup of coffee.
Thank you.

Charlie, over here. The letterbox.

Is that you, Mike?

Well, it's not next door's elevation, is
it?

What, Charlie?

No, I'm not. I'm in late from last
night.

Is anybody about?

Mummy's gone upstairs and old man
River's in the kitchen.

Do me a favour, Sal.

Get rid of him and I'll creep in through
the back.

I'll do my best.

Who were you talking to?

Talking to?

Yes, you know, with your mouth.

Oh, yes. It was, um, next door's dog. I
was just saying hello to him through the

letterbox.

He's not cocking his leg up, is he?

Did he?

I know it's hard getting newspaper boys,
but this is ridiculous.

Are you going upstairs now?

I wasn't.

Aren't you going to have a shave?

I had one this morning.

How about a bath?

I had one of those last night.

But, Daddy, did you... And I brushed my
teeth, yes.

Jinsky.

Hello, Dad.

Taking your shoes for a walk?

No, no, I've just been cleaning them.
I've been up for ages.

Ever since you went out last night?

I don't dig you, Dad.

I dig you, matey.

You've been out on an all -night razzle,
haven't you? No, I haven't.

Don't kid me. You're talking to the
master.

I've been on more all -night razzles
than you've had at dinner's.

Oh, well, Dad, you see, I went to this
party, you know. Don't bother with the

details. If it's anything like the ones
I used to go to, it's better I don't

know. You mean you're not going to read
me the right act?

Why should I? I was your age myself
once. No kidding.

Next time you come in so late, just box
a bit more clever. You might have bumped

into your mother. And we don't want to
worry your mother, do we?

What haven't I to worry about?

Hello.

It's your mother. So it is.

Well, now we've established that fact,
what haven't I to worry about?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Has she? No.
No, nothing at all.

What time did you come in last night?

Oh, well, it must have been about... No,
no, no. Now it was earlier than that.

What were you doing outside?

What was I doing outside where?

The house this morning. I saw you out of
the bedroom window.

I sent him to the shops.

What for?

Tobacco.

Well, make your minds up. What for?

Tobacco.

Both, as a matter of fact.

I think I'll go and get myself a cup of
coffee.

go for your father's tobacco and
matches, put your shoes on.

You

nearly

had it then.

Yeah, thanks for not dropping me in it,
Dad. It's all right.

It's time you sold a few wild oats.

You can enjoy yourself now. You won't
have no chance after you get married.

I'll bet you sowed a few wild oats in
your time, Dad.

Sackfuls.

They used to call me the Earl Flynn of
edgeware.

I reckon if I hadn't got married and
settled down, I wouldn't have lived to

30.

You wouldn't like to give me a few tips,
would you, Dad?

Yeah.

I'll give you one right now.

When you come in late, don't come
creeping in carrying your shoes.

Well, what should I do?

Make a noise.

Hang about.

Wake everybody up.

Then swear blind that you couldn't sleep
and you've been up for hours. That

wouldn't work.

It did for me.

You mean you've done it? Last month, the
night of the darts club boozer. I

didn't get home till six o 'clock in the
morning. Told your mother I had a

stomach ache and I couldn't sleep since
five o 'clock.

Never forget the 11th commandment. Thou
shalt not be found out.

Sidney Abbott.

What have I done now?

You've just broken the 11th...

Have you had many people after this job?

Yes, quite a lot. But you're the
favourite.

How do you know?

You're the only one who's been given an
interview.

Well, I'll just get these signed and
then he'll be free.

Thank you.

Hello, Sal.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Something to help you with your
interview.

I don't need any help. Wait a minute,
let's see who's on the list here.

No, no, you need help. You must
remember, this is your first job. I've

see that everything's above board. I
mean, you're a young innocent girl.

You have no idea the sort of things that
can go on.

Daddy, this is a respectable insurance
company, not a front for the white slave

market.

Oh, and Miss Abbott's outside.

The app's looking for Junior Secretary.

Oh, good, good. Sure is.

Excuse me. Oh, I'll see you in a minute,
sir. Would you like to go in?

Come in.

Sit down, Miss Abbott.

Miss Sally Abbott?

Mr Sidney Abbott.

I'm sorry, Mr Abbott, the position is
for a junior secretary, female.

And with all due respect, you hardly
qualify on either count.

Yes, well, I know that. My daughter's
outside. I thought I'd come along with

so I could give you a quick once -over.

Once -over?

Yeah, well, I don't want her joining any
fly -by -night organisation.

Mr Abbott, we've been established for
150 years.

I'd hardly call that fly -by -night.

Of course not. Very impressive.

Good. Now, do you think I could
interview your daughter?

Yes, hang on. Sit down.

Now then, if my daughter should accept
this job, who will she be working with?

Probably our Mr Crawford.

Crawford. A fella.

What's he like?

What do you mean?

Well, is he happily married?

I fail to see what our Mr Crawford's
private life has to do with your

It's a well -known fact, matey. Say, for
example, Crawford and his wife have got

a little bit of trouble between them.

He's going to start looking elsewhere,
isn't he?

And where elsewhere would he be looking?
My Sally.

Please, Mr Abbott.

Our Mr Crawford's been with us for
nearly 40 years and to my knowledge has

to seduce his secretary.

It's always the first time, matey.

I know. I work in an office. They're
always at it.

Don't tell me you haven't fancied that
gorgeous piece out there.

I beg your pardon?

That little girl out there, she's a
little cracker. That little cracker

to be my wife.

Yes, very nice, too.

I bet you're both very happy. We are.

And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to
see your daughter. Yes, hang on.

All right, come on, sit down.

Please, sit down, Miss Abbott.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about my father.

That's quite all right.

Would you like to wait outside, Mr
Abbott? No, no, it's all right. I'll sit

here. Daddy!

It's all right, darling. I won't
interfere. I just want to watch like an

impartial observer.

Well, now, Miss Abbott, you seem to have
the necessary qualifications.

Five O levels.

Thank you.

All right.

And I see you've completed a secretarial
course.

That's right.

Third in the class.

How's your shorthand? Fantastic.

A hundred words a minute.

Yeah, more if you want.

And your typing?

Fifty words a minute.

And she uses all her fingers, mate.

Thank you, Miss Abbott. We'll let you
know.

That all?

That's all, Mr. Abbott.

Thank you.

Come on, Daddy.

All right, I'll see you inside.

Well? Well, what?

Yeah, yeah.

I said we'd let her know.

And would you mind not blowing that foul
smoke in my face?

Oh, it's all right.

You don't have to get angry. All I want
to know is, has she got the job or

hasn't she? Well, if you really want to
know, she hasn't.

Why not? What's the matter with her?
There's nothing the matter with her. She

seems to be a perfectly normal, well
-adjusted young girl.

But there's always the chance she may
turn out like you.

Mr. Abbott.

You'll need some more water for those.

Hello, darling.

Hello, dear.

Where are they?

Who? Those two cookie things that used
to be our children.

Well, Sally's been out job hunting all
day and Mike's out with a girl.

He's woman mad, that boy.

Hmm. Takes after you.

What kind of job is it? It's very
steady, but it'll mean living away from

I don't like the sound of that. Oh, I
can't be on my own. There's lots of

girls. It's just that I've got to live
in. It goes with the job.

You mean like a nurse in a hospital?

Yes, but it's not a hospital.

Hotel? No, it's not a hotel.

Oh, blimey, what is it then?

Get your feet off my chair.

Hello, Dad.

What are you doing?

I'm resting.

Resting? What have you done to make you
so tired?

I went to another party last night,
didn't I? I'll tell you what, you missed

on some chick there, Dad. It was like it
was... All right, all right, all right.

Don't make me jealous.

Why don't you get a job? I can't find
anything suitable, can I? I want to do

something I really enjoy.

You're already doing that.

We've got to do something about this,
boy.

Well, what's the matter now?

He's enjoying himself too much.

He's only young.

He's not going to be young long the way
he's going on.

Where's Sister Anna?

If you mean Sally, she's upstairs.

A nun.

A nun.

There's nothing wrong with nuns. She's
not even a Catholic.

They have nuns in the Church of England
as well.

Do they?

Still, I wouldn't expect you to know
about that. You never go to church.

Well, look what happened the last time I
went.

What was that?

I got married.

Very funny.

A nun.

A nun.

And it's all your bloomin' fault.

Why is it my fault?

Well, blimey, who was it took her to see
the sound of music? Four times!

That's got nothing to do with it. It's
got everything to do with it. It

influenced her.

Oh, she'll grow out of it. It's the
passing phase.

You think so?

Oh, I'm sure of it.

But if we interfere, it'll make her all
the more determined.

You could be right.

Oh, I am.

Believe me, Sid, this time next week
she'll have forgotten all about it.

It's too late. She's joined up already.

Not yet.

I borrowed the clothes from the convent
to see how I'd look.

I'll tell you how you look. You look
like a nun.

The dress is beautiful, but I'm not so
sure about the job.

Your mother's absolutely right. Now,
Sally. Oh!

Oh, Sally, why not?

I'm taking another name.

What other name?

Joseph.

Joseph?

What the hell's going on? Joseph?

That's a fella's name.

You're not changing your sex, are you?

Don't be silly, Daddy. When I take my
vows, I've got to take a safe name.

Sally, sit down.

Sit down.

Now sit. No, no, you stay here as well.

We've got to have a serious talk. Yes,
Daddy.

Before I start, I would like to...

Say that whatever you're doing or
whatever you hope to do is highly

Thank you, Daddy. Yes, but have you
thought about what you're going to miss?

Like what?

Well, all sorts of things. I mean,
fellas and things.

Fellas and things? Why, you know what I
mean.

Your father could be right.

Joseph. Oh, God.

Sally, look.

Sal, you've heard people talking about
the pleasures of the flesh.

Well, they're not called pleasures for
nothing.

Don't worry, Daddy.

I've had all the pleasures I want.

Well, I hope not.

Well, not all of them. Well, thank God
for that.

I suppose I'd better go and change back
into my own clothes. Yes, please, as

quickly as possible.

Passing phase, you said.

Well, it is.

It'll pass.

Well, I'm not going to take any chances.

What are you going to do? I'm going to
give this passing phase a bloody good

shove.

Sid! What? That's another thing. What?

If we've got a nun in the house, you'll
have to stop using that language.

Hello, Mrs Abbott. Hello, Norman. Come
in.

They said at the office Mr Abbott wanted
to see me.

Now, before we go any further, Norman, I
want you to know that I don't agree

with all this.

No? No, it was nothing to do with me.

Was it?

No. So, Norman, remember this.

You're a boy and she's a girl.

Yes, Mrs Abbott.

And Sally's our daughter.

Yes, Mrs Abbott.

Sid! Yes?

It's Norman.

Right.

Remember, she's our daughter.

Hello, Norman.

Sir, is your wife all right, Mr Abbott?
Yeah, never mind about my wife. Sit

down. I've got the flowers you wanted.

They're not for me, they're for Sally.

Is it her birthday?

No, no, no.

It's a present from a passionate
admirer. Who's that, Mr. Abbott?

You.

I want you to make a date with my
daughter.

But when she came to see you in the
office last week, you told me to keep my

lecherous eyes off her.

Yeah, but that was last week. Things are
very different now. Just a minute.

Sarah!

Now, when she comes down, I'm going to
leave you alone together. Just the two

you. What do you want me to do?

sweep her off her feet.

I want you to show her what she'd be
missing if she becomes a nun.

A nun?

Yes, a nun. You know?

Never mind. Never mind. Don't worry
about it.

How do I sweep her off her feet?

You put her next to you on the sofa.

You put your arm round her and chat her
up.

And don't go berserk. Just chat her up.

Oh, do me best, Mr Abbott. Right. What
the hell have you got that in there for?

Stick it in there.

Sally, look, darling.

She's come to see you. Norman.

Hello, Norman. Hello, Mr Abbott. No, no,
no.

Call her Sally.

Norman's got something for you, haven't
you, Norman?

What's that, Mr Abbott?

What have you got in your hand?

I've bought you some flowers.

Thank you, Norman. Well, I'll leave you
lovebirds to it.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

What did you want?

I've come to sweep you off your feet.

Really?

This is a bit saddening. I only found
out myself this afternoon.

This afternoon?

Yes.

At work?

Yes.

You're supposed to sit down so I can
check you up.

sit here?

Till he convinces her.

Supposing he doesn't?

They've been in there for two hours now.
They must be convincing her of

something. Are you sure you want to,
Norman?

Oh, yes, of course, yes.

Good.

Mummy! Daddy!

You all right?

Yes.

Everything's perfect.

Oh. You have a good chat, then? Oh, yes,
Mr. Abbott. Your Sally's wonderful.

So are you, Norman.

Yeah, tell her.

Well done, Sam.

So, when are you getting engaged?

We're not getting engaged.

Why not?

Because Norman's going to become a monk.

Give me a kiss, Mr. Adler.

There you are, darling. Nice to know.

Sally's a long time at the travel
agents.

Oh, Sid, I think it's ridiculous.

sending her abroad.

It is not ridiculous. The aristocracy
does it all the time.

Broken hearts, unhappy romances, they
always send them abroad to forget it.

Well, anyway, Sally's decided she's not
cut out to be a nun.

Well, there's two weeks' holiday to do
the world a good.

Broaden her horizon.

Hi, Mum.

Hey, Dad. Can I have a drink?

Drink? Yeah, I've got some great news.

You're emigrating.

I've got a job.

A job?

I mean, work and all that.

There's only one snag, though, Mum. I'm
going to have to be away from home a

bit.

Don't tell me. You're going to be a
vicar.

Do me a favour, Dad. I'm going to be a
road manager.

Oh, that's nice.

Which road are you going to manage?

It's a group.

The Four Quarters.

Never heard of them.

You will, Dad. They're going to be
really big. They want me to, like, drive

round, fix up their hotels, generally
keep them happy.

It's just your mark, isn't it?

Looking after a bundle of long -haired
layabouts.

They are not long -haired layabouts.

What long -haired what's -all are they
then? You'll see them in a minute.

They're coming in to rehearse. Coming,
kids.

Nice job.

Ruby. Ruby.

Nice.

Oh.

She's it then?

Yeah. One, two, three, four.

The four quarters.

You'll be dead in a week.

Just go to my bedroom and do some work.

What work can they do in his bedroom?

I wouldn't ask if I were you.

Sorry I'm late.

Hello. Oh, that's all right, dear. Did
you fix your holiday?

Yes. I'm going on a mini safari across
India to the Himalayas.

The Himalayas? Is it safe?

Of course it'll be safe.

You sure?

Yes. There's ten of us all together.

Ten of you?

I know these safaris.

Five fellas, five girls, pairing off.

There'll be no pairing off on this
safari. What makes you so sure?

Because it's just me.