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VTR 107002, Bless This House, Episode 8, Part 1, Take 1.

Hard luck.

You have two pieces.

I'm feeding my face.

Well, I hope you get fat.

Carmen.

Hurry up, you two.

You know I'm going to visit your grandma. I want everything cleared away

I go.

Is it all right if I let my coffee cool down?

Or would you like me to pour it in the saucer and blow on it?

I'll pour it over your head if you don't watch it.

Ali, what's the matter?

Are these yours?

Well, they're not mine.

What's the matter with you?

Trespassing. will be prosecuted.

They're fun pants.

Fun for who?

If you think mine are bad, you'll want to see what some people have written on

them. It's not the words I'm worried about. It's who reads them.

Well, half the boys I know can't read at all.

Hey,

are you going out tonight?

Yeah, we're going to a party.

Wash up for me before you go, will you? I think I'll go and get ready.

You can wipe.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, you haven't finished your dinner.

Well, I did have a second helping.

There wasn't a second helping.

Well, what was all that food on the plate in the oven?

Your father's dinner.

I thought he was working late. He is, but he does like to eat when he comes

home. Are you sure he's working late?

Of course I am.

That's funny.

I thought we saw him getting on a bus in Market Street on the way home.

It was definitely Daddy.

Are you sure?

Yeah, sort of dried up prune wearing a wire brush.

Sorry.

Well, it couldn't have been him because he's working late.

Life is easy. You make him whoopee.

Now, what does that mean?

Nothing. Sally, I trust your father, and if he says he's working late, then he's

working late.

Where are you going?

Around the office.

Just to make sure he is working late.

Marshal's office supplies.

Abbott speaking.

Oh, good. You are working late.

This is going to get us nowhere. I told you that this morning.

Yes, I know you did.

What are you ringing me up for?

Oh, well, it's about your dinner.

My dinner? What about it?

There isn't any.

Mike's eaten it.

That's no surprise.

And you rang me up just to tell me that.

Well, there is something, Al.

The kids are going to a party and I'm going to see my mother.

So when you get home, we'll all be out.

I see.

So Mike's at my dinner and there'll be nobody at home when I get there.

Oh, that's lovely.

If you've got any more good news, don't hesitate to phone me again.

You all right?

Yes. See you later.

Hang on. Wait a minute. Here's the kiss.

Here's yours.

Here's your letter, Sid.

Thank you.

Anything else you'd like me to take down?

You could get yourself into shocking trouble, same thing.

That's no good. You'll have to do that again.

Why? What's wrong with it?

What's wrong with it?

Thanking you again for your esteemed order and hoping you manage to get fully

stuffed before the holidays.

That doesn't sound right. No, it's not. The word I dictated was stuffed.

Sorry. I'll do it again. Thank you.

I'm off now, Sid.

No, no.

Try and keep your wicked hands off Sandra.

Do me a favour. I'm a happily married man.

She eats happily married men. Does she?

Straight up.

She fancies you, that's it. You know why.

You think so?

Definitely.

Well, if you got it, you got it, haven't you? And you definitely got it.

I was Watford.

Watford? Yeah, you walked straight past me in the high street and was with

Watford yesterday.

No, mate. I wasn't in Watford yesterday.

Who was she?

Who was who?

Dolly Bird.

With you on the high street.

I keep telling you I wasn't in Watford yesterday.

Oh, no, no. Of course you weren't.

Say no more.

Then how you doing?

Silly old twit. He's round the bend.

Here's the letter, sis.

Thank you, darling. Right, you might as well go off now. There's nothing else.

I'll just put my face on.

I'm hoping you manage to get fully stiffed.

Oh, well, it's near enough, I suppose.

Aren't you going home yet?

No, I'm not nearly, Harry. There's nobody at home and there's nothing to

What a shame.

Yep, looks like the Chinese take away again.

They do a nice grill at the mitre. Do they?

We could go together.

Together?

The two of us?

That's right.

Just you and me?

Yeah.

Sid?

Sidney?

No, Sidney, no.

Remember, you're a married man.

Oh, shut up. You heard what Charlie said. He fancies me.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I haven't done anything yet.

No, but you're thinking about it.

Of course I'm thinking about it. Look at those legs.

Cool.

Haven't you seen a pair of legs before?

Not like that, Mush.

Sidney. Belt up.

Go on, Sid. Fill your boots. Enjoy yourself.

You know it's wrong, Sidney.

And because you're a man of honour and integrity, that's true, I know you'll

reach the right decision.

Well, Sid, what are we doing?

Give me time to go home and change.

Let's take a bottle each, Sal.

Roger might have told us it was a bottle party.

Come on, we'll tell Dad. Otherwise he'll think we're a couple of alcoholics. Is

he in?

Yeah, he must be. His car's in the drive.

Dad!

Dad! Who's that?

And Spidey and Clyde. Throw your money down a wheel. Wreck the joint.

I thought you two had gone out. We did, but we came back. Can we see you?

What for?

We want to speak to you.

Well, go on, speak.

We will if you come downstairs.

Well, can't you shout?

Why don't you want to come down?

Are you trying to hide something from us there? Certainly not.

We'll come downstairs.

No, I'm busy.

If you don't come down, we'll come up. All right, I'm coming.

No. Yes, I have a little one.

Daddy?

Yes, what?

What are you laughing at? Well, it's a

freak out.

What freak out?

Don't tell me.

Someone's given you a ticket for Top of the Pops. Oh, very funny.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's my shirt you're wearing.

I didn't notice when I put it on. I suppose you didn't notice my scarf

Scarf?

Yeah, well, it must have got tangled up with his shirt.

What's the matter with you, Daddy? Nothing's the matter with me. Stop

me about.

Daddy, you've been using my hair lacquer. Yeah, well, my hair kept

Well, now it's sticking down.

Where are you going dressed like that, Dad? Nowhere. I don't blame you. You

like part of the oldest teenybopper.

You're always at me for not being with it. Right, now I'm with it.

Terrific. Only don't ever come out with us looking like that.

What are you doing with those?

Coming to a party. They're our entrance fee. Take them. Goodbye.

See you later, soul brother.

I'll stop you.

Daddy, would you like to borrow my chunky earrings?

Yeah, of course.

Sidney?

What did I tell you, Sidney?

Oh, God, it's you again.

Be sure your sins will find you out.

You're right.

You're dead right, mate.

My, sir.

My, sir.

Here.

You remember, mate, you're a happily married man.

And just remember, if you want to stay that way, remember what your father told

you. Never have a bit on the side.

And if you do, don't get caught.

I know you are nearly caught and you haven't done a bloody thing.

You'll be a good boy, Sid.

The Mater Hotel cocktail bar.

Oh, good evening.

This is Sidney Abbott speaking. I'd like to leave a message.

Sidney Abbott?

What does he look like?

No, no, no. It's me speaking, mate. I am Sidney Abbott. Oh, you're Sidney

Abbott. I just said that.

Yes, sir. It was me you said it to.

Is there a Miss Sandra Evans there?

Sandra Evans?

What does she look like?

If she was there, mate, you'd know.

She's a blonde.

Well, do me a favour. If she comes in, will you please tell her Sidney Abbott

phoned up and tell her I can't make it tonight?

If she comes in, I'll have to tell her you can't make it tonight.

That's right.

What did you say your name was?

Oh, God.

Who? Oh, now, now, forget it. Forget it.

Here you are.

Give me a light, Scott.

Right.

Twenty -two, please, Bob.

Are you George? Yes, please.

Hello, Sid.

You can have a quick one, then.

What? You're a bit off your territory, aren't you, Sid?

No, mate, you're making a bloomer. Health. Come on, Sid.

Health. Health Carter.

Straight up?

Straight up.

That's incredible. You're his double.

Who's double?

Sid. Sid Abbott.

It's a fitting image.

You sure you're not Sid? I should know who I am, mate.

Yeah, were you in Watford yesterday?

I was. With Dolly?

Naturally.

That's uncanny.

Hey, hey, hey, just a minute.

Give me the soda water, mate.

I'm beating up... Guess

who? Give me a clue.

42 -22 -38.

Sorry I'm late, Sid.

Not another one.

It took me ages to do my hair. I wanted to look especially...

for you tonight. I said to myself, Sandra, you are a naughty girl going out

a married man, but look nice and you won't mind if you're a minute or two

Oh, you won't, will you?

Do you know, Sid, I've always fancied you.

Have you?

No. But I never thought you'd ask me out.

Well, now that I have, why don't we get swinging?

You are different away from the office. You'd be amazed how different I can be,

sweetheart. Would you like a drink?

Port and lemon, please.

Excuse me, are you Miss Sandra Evans?

Yes. Well, I've got a message for you from the Miss... It's all right, mate.

I'll deliver it myself.

All right, coming.

Ready for me?

Not really.

Just a postcard from Bessie.

What time did you get in last night?

About half past eleven.

Surprised to see you in bed. Yeah, well, I had an early night. I was worn out.

I don't want you to be late for work. I won't be late. It's all right, because I

won't be there. I'm not going to work today.

1829.

It's me, boo -boo.

Boo -boo?

It's me, darling, Sandra.

Oh, hello, Sandra.

Everything all right?

Well, what about you last night?

Oh, yes, I'm sorry about that. I hope you weren't too disappointed.

Disappointed? You must be joking. You were absolutely fantastic, Tiger.

I haven't had a night like it in years.

Hang on. Hang on just a minute.

about. I'm not with you. I'm not surprised the amount of stuff you drank

night. Listen.

Strangers in the night.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, we've got to have a talk about this. I'm coming to the office right

I'll be waiting, Tiger.

Oh, and while I think of it, would you bring me back my bra?

I, uh, just remembered I've got to go to the office.

Have you? Yes, I'm in. Very important scrap tap. I'll see you tonight.

I wouldn't bet on it.

He was making whoopee. Oh, Mummy, are you sure?

I just heard him on the telephone.

He was with her last night, the girl from the office.

What, sexy Sandra?

Yes. Poor Mummy.

Will he be getting a divorce?

What for?

Well, Daddy is being unfaithful. So what? This is a permissive society.

All he was doing was obeying a natural order.

the office. Now, Sandra, sit down.

Yes. Right.

Now. Anything you say, Sid.

Sit down.

Now, Sandra, about last night.

What about last night?

Charlie said you were past it.

Just a minute. I don't care who you were with or what you did with him. It

wasn't me.

Of course it was you. We met at the mitre.

It wasn't me. I tell you, I didn't go out last night. I stayed at home.

Oh, I see.

It's like that, is it? Like what?

Anything to you?

Wait until Dad comes home and hear what he has to say.

I heard what he had to say this morning on the telephone.

Well, I'm sure there's an explanation.

Yes, there's an explanation.

Sexy Sandra.

You can't just leave. What about us?

Yes, who's going to have custody of us?

Oh, the wife always gets custody. Of course, Dad will get reasonable access.

Nice to see everybody waiting to greet me.

Hello, darling.

Hello, Sal.

Homebreaker.

Hi, Mike.

Reasonable access.

I'm afraid that's all you'll get.

What's the matter with the kids?

If you have anything to say to me, you can write me a letter.

I shall be with my mother.

Something's upset you, hasn't it?

Was it their anniversary today?

Don't play the innocent with me, Sidney Abbott. I know all about you.

Stranger in the night.

Yes. Oh.

How?

Uh, as you find out.

Wives have ears.

Especially when they're listening on extensions.

I've been bugged.

How could you? I didn't. Liar. I am not a liar. I'm telling you, I was in bed

last night by nine o 'clock.

I can well believe it.

I don't mean that. What I mean...

You didn't leave this house.

That's not what the restaurant manager at the Lantern says.

Pardon? I went to see him at lunchtime and I showed him our wedding photo.

Oh, good.

And he confirmed that you were there last night with that woman.

I was not there, I'm telling you. Go blimey, it wasn't me.

You never drank champagne out of my shoes.

I wouldn't drink champagne out of anybody's bloody shoes.

I'm telling you, it was a mistake. Yes, and you made it. Oh, good.

I must have a double.

It's no good turning to drink.

Oh, no.

That's not what I mean. What I mean is there is somebody walking about

pretending to be me.

Well, you'll have to do better than that.

There couldn't possibly be anybody else walking around looking like you.

Where are you going now? I'm going to get this sorted out.

Well, if I'm still here when you get back, it's not because I'm not going,

just that I haven't gone yet.

Hello, sweetheart.

You've got a nerve.

What do you mean? The way you behaved in the office, pretending you'd never been

out with me last night. I never want to see you again, Sid Abbott.

Come and sit down.

No. Come on, come and sit down.

It's important, Levin. I didn't really mean it, sweetheart.

I didn't want the others to know. I didn't want to get you involved, you

You were just saying that. I know, straight up.

There are some things a fellow just can't fight, you know.

Oh, Sid.

Yeah, I'd like to make it up to you.

How would you like to go to the lantern again tonight?

I'd like that.

You would?

Stick around, Kit.

We've got fun up in Bucket Table.

I could have sworn it was him, but it wasn't. Are you sure?

Positive, Gene.

He's the absolute spitting image of your Sid.

Oh, Sally, isn't that marvellous? He wasn't deceiving me after all. Super.

I knew Dad wasn't having an affair.

Salandra's too intelligent.

What does that mean?

Well, let's face it, Mum, who in their right minds could fancy Dad?

Thank you.

I can't do it.

Did you manage to get one?

Get one what?

A table.

What do I want a table for?

You said we were going to eat.

Who did?

You did.

When? A minute ago.

But I wasn't here a minute ago.

Are you some sort of nutter? Oh, no, no, wait a minute.

If I said we were going to eat a minute ago and I wasn't here a minute ago, then

it must be him.

Who? My double.

What dabble? There is a bloke walking about pretending to be me.

Oh, I see. You're mucking me about again, are you? Oh, no, no. Straight up.

wait a minute.

You haven't got the same hat on.

Nor the same tie.

Well, there you are. You see?

It must be him.

Where is he?

He went to phone in the corridor.

Right. Stay there.

That's it.

Table for two and half an hour. Right.

And you're a bloke who's having all the fun while I'm getting all the blame.

You'd have done the same thing if it'd been handed to you on a plate.

Yes, but you've come back for afters.

I'm on a human.

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

What's she like?

Who?

Sandra. Fantastic.

You lucky devil.

Was your father a plumber called Larry?

Merchant seaman called Fred.

Well, you know what they say about sailors. They've got one in every port.

For all we know, there could be half a dozen like us scattered around the

Mediterranean.

We've had enough trouble with the two of us.

I'd like you to get even, Sid. You what?

Well, I've had a good night out with Sandra.

Well, there's a lovely little dolly I know in Watford. You can fancy her. And

she'd never know the difference.

No.

No, I couldn't. She's a little cracker.

Is she?

Right.

Well, I could say I was working late.

No. No, I won't.

I'm a happily married man, mate.

Is that the wife, sir?

That's it.

I'm very nice, too. You're a lucky fella.

You know something?

I think you ought to straighten this out.

How? Come home with me and let my wife see for herself.

Certainly. Great.

You wait here. I'm going to get Sandra.

Come on. I got it.

Where are we going? We're going around to my place and sort it out. Come on.

Don't.

Well, that does it.

She'll never believe me now.

Oh, God, I've got to have a bloody drink.

That's a good idea.

Not you. No, I'll have it on my own. Goodbye, Sandra.

S -E -X.

Sex.

Don't let Daddy hear you saying that.

You'll be flat on your back in a minute.

How do you? I might have had a couple, but I'm stone cold sober.

I had him when he got away.

What are you talking about?

Where's Mummy?

How do I know where she is?

Well, you went out together.

We did not go out together.

You came back here an hour ago on bended knee.

Promised Mummy a new fur coat.

And then went out to celebrate.

Oh, my God.

The stranger in the night is struck again.

There we are, my little sweetheart.

Oh, Sid, I'm sorry. I thought you were deceiving me. It's all right, darling. I

don't see any man could deceive you.

You know, somehow you seem different tonight.

I am different. When I'm with you, I feel like a new man.

You've got a new jacket, too?

Yes, well, I got it this morning. And a tie.

Well, I think it's very romantic.

You're going to drink champagne out of my shoes.

Thank you.