Original subtitles

Bless this house, 7004, part 1, take 1.

Bonjour, madame Bonneva.

Bonjour, monsieur l 'abbé. Comment ça va?

Très bien, merci.

Voilà.

Au revoir, madame. Un

moment, monsieur l 'abbé. Oui?

Deux -cinq -quante pour le cognac, s 'il vous plaît.

Considérer la monnaie comme un cadeau pour l 'église.

I'm dying.

That steak I had last night's upset me stomach.

It's not the steak that upsets your stomach. It's the half gallon of red

it's floating about in.

Please don't shout. I've got a shocking head.

I'm not surprised.

Here's your cornflakes.

Oh, my God, the noise.

Why did you drink so much?

I was enjoying myself.

Well, that's more than I was.

I thought you liked the club dinner dances.

I don't enjoy seeing you make a fool of yourself.

What did I do?

You mean you can't remember?

Well, it's all a blur after the steak.

I didn't upset the club president, did I?

Upset him?

You danced with him twice.

Did I?

Must have been him that kept putting his hand on my bottom.

Oh, God, never again.

You know what you need to do?

Yeah, shoot myself.

Oh, thank you. I'm trying to cure my hangover and I've stored another one.

It works, Sid.

My father always swore by it. I'm not surprised your father swore at

Drink this.

What is it?

Never mind what it is. Drink it.

It smells horrible.

It'll do you good.

You haven't been going through the insurance policies again, have you?

No, I can't fight it.

It'll make you feel better.

You sure?

Positive. Always cured my father's hangovers. No, no.

The smell's putting me right off. No.

Hold your nose.

What bottle?

What have you given me to drink?

Now, look, it couldn't possibly harm you. If it was going to harm you, it

have done it by now.

It wasn't wine, was it?

Well, not exactly.

Well, what exactly was it?

Well, it was next to the wine, and I thought it was the wine, and maybe we

should check your insurance policy.

I bet it makes you happy.

Oh, Sid, really. You don't think that I'd give you rust remover. Well, what

it then?

Trevor's homemade sherry. Well, it tasted like rust remover.

Sure as good, but I still got my hangover.

You've also got a letter from Paris, Daddy.

Paris?

Paris?

Who do we know in Paris?

Why don't you open it and find out?

I didn't know you went to France.

I didn't. France came to me.

His name was Pierre.

Pierre? He was a lieutenant in the Free French Army.

Go on.

He taught me a lot.

Some of it was French.

You never told me about any Pierre.

It was before we met.

Women frogs coming over here and nicking our women.

Oh,

he was tall and dark and terribly romantic. Yes, yes. You'll never mind

that. Read the letter. Go on.

Who by?

Henri and Odette.

Henri?

Ha, ha, ha!

Old bony face!

Is there any danger of Sally and I getting any breakfast?

In a minute. I want to find out about your father's French friends.

Oh, well, look, old Henri was in the resistance.

And what was Odette in?

Follies Bouger?

No, no, no.

She was in the what? They saved my life during the war.

They were in the underground.

The real underground. The French resistance movement.

Hey, Dad, how did he save your life?

Well, it was 1940.

The Germans were sweeping across France.

The Allies were retreating.

And I managed to hitch a lift on a French lorry to try and get to Dunkirk.

Only trouble is, the lorry was going to Paris.

And that's how I met Henri.

Which way to Dunkirk?

Oh, you can't do it by yourself.

Paris is occupied by the Bosch.

Henri is right.

Everywhere you turn, they are there, the Bosch. Well, what am I going to do?

You must go to your house. I can't do that. I've got to get back to England.

What for?

To carry on fighting the Bosch.

If you ask me, we will help you get back to England.

Thank you, thank you.

Yvonne! Are you sure you must get back to England? Yes, I must get back. I've

got to do my duty.

Oui, monsieur.

On the other hand, there's no point in rushing back.

Take him to your bed.

Ivan will take care of you. Come with me, monsieur.

Thank you, yes. Oh,

thank you very much.

Thank you. What are we going to do with him?

Ivan will know what to do with him.

Who is the Englander?

Pardon? Who is the Englander? Oh, nous ne parlons pas l 'allemand.

You speak English?

Un petit peu.

We have reason to believe a British soldier is in this bath.

Then you are mistaken.

Silence! The German army is never mistaken.

Perhaps we'd better search the place. But you are wasting your time. There is

nobody here but my wife and myself.

And Jules.

And who is Jules? I am the dancer.

I work here. That is right. There is nobody else here but Jules, my band, and

myself.

And who is Yvonne?

Well, she is my dancing partner.

Who else have you behind that curtain?

Nobody. Nobody. There is nobody there.

Come out from behind that curtain before I shoot.

And what have we here?

I am also the dancer.

We are partners, me and Jules.

What is your name?

Boris. Ah!

So you are Jules and Boris?

You don't look like a dancer.

But he's a wonderful dancer. The best in France. Why, he is like a gazelle.

Thank you. Yes?

Well, perhaps we could see that gazelle.

Pardon? Dance.

Now? Now.

But he is unperceived without the music.

Before the war, I am in the Berlin Philharmonic.

He would be.

Now I see why you friends are losing the ball.

Go on.

Jeff, go on. Oh, go on, that was fun.

Thank you, everyone. Oh, don't mention it.

Don't mention it, mush.

Mush?

Corporal Crawford, Royal Engineers.

He's English.

He's English.

I've been listening. He waits. Don't, don't. What about that new old Italian?

Yes, and he doesn't want this game. No.

I know why you didn't tell us about it before.

I don't believe a word of it.

It's true. I'm not joking. Straight up. It's all right for some, isn't it? A

weekend in Paris.

And this Yvonne sounds a bit of all right, Daddy?

A bit of all right? Blimey, she was a crack.

Very, very pleasant girl she was. Very nice.

Anyway, she's probably forgotten all about me by now.

Oh, I don't think she's forgotten about you. She's put a P .S. on the bottom of

Henri's letter.

Yes? My darling Sid.

Yeah, well, you know what the French are. Very warm people they are. Latins,

know. Very affectionate.

What a joy it will be to meet you again after all this time.

I often think of the nights you sheltered in my bed.

Yeah, well, she wasn't in it. I mean, she was out blowing up bridges.

Liar. I'm not kidding. Blimey, nothing happened, I'm telling you. Anyway, it's

33 years ago.

Little Sidney is now...

Well, it'd be lovely to have the house to ourselves this weekend.

They haven't gone yet.

No, but they will have in a few minutes.

Dad hasn't given us his don't do, has he?

Oh, Daddy's fire fixation.

Don't be in late, do behave yourselves, don't leave the lights on, do leave my

car alone and don't nick the booze.

Right, well, we're off in a minute.

Now, don't be in late, do behave yourselves.

Don't leave the lights on and do leave my car alone.

You've left out don't nick the booze. It's locked up.

Are you ready, Romeo?

Oh, don't keep on.

Little Sidney is now 32.

I don't know anything about it. I keep telling you, whoever it is, it's got

nothing to do with me.

All right, Daddy.

We don't mind having a French half -brother.

You haven't got a French half -anything.

They didn't call him Sidney for nothing.

Oh, God, Marnie.

I wasn't the only Sidney in the British Army.

There must have been about 20 ,000 Sidneys.

I mean, come to think of it, you know.

I mean, Montgomery could have been a Sidney.

Sid Montgomery.

His name was Bernard.

Oh, well, Eisenhower.

His name was Dwight Eisenhower.

Well... Why don't you try Sid Churchill?

You got anything?

Yes. Ticket, passport and phrasebook.

Phrasebook? What do you want a phrasebook for?

So we can make ourselves understood.

Oh, rubbish. I never had any trouble when I was over there.

That's obvious.

Anyway, they all speak English.

Not all of them, Daddy.

Well, blimey, they ought to. We liberated them.

We're all Britannia. Oh, Belka.

That's it. Now then, behave yourselves. No wild parties while we're away.

It's all right, Daddy. You can trust us.

Goodbye, darling.

Bye, Mum. Bye -bye, three times. Bye -bye, Mum.

Bye -bye, now.

Five, four, three.

Two, one.

And we have another surprise for you, Sidney.

Remember Yvonne?

Yvonne? The one who kept blowing up bridges.

Oh, that Yvonne.

Ever since you were coming, she has been so looking forward to doing it with you

again.

Well, she's going to be disappointed, isn't she?

Sit down, please.

Yvonne wishes you to enjoy her again.

They're lovely people. You'll like them. I promise you.

Nice place, isn't it?

We were friends. Not like you and Liberace.

And where is little Sidney? Oh, he's out with one of his girlfriends.

Oh, he's always with the girls. He is what you say, Sidney. A chip of the old

block.

A father like son.

Oh, you know his father?

I should do. I married him.

Oh, no, no. You do not understand.

Sidney is not the father of Sidney. Oh, no. No, no.

And do you have any children?

Oh, yes, boy and a girl. Oh, you should have protein with you. No, no, it's good

to get away from them for a time. Will they be all right by then, Terry? Of

course, they're good kids. They know how to behave.

I'll be right in.

You're causing a disturbance.

Must be Mrs. Grundy from the house next door at 1.

No, sir, a Mrs.

Parker from the next street at 2.

I hope you have a good appetite.

Oh, we're famished. Oh, well, I have prepared a gastronomic feast. Oh, that's

marvellous. But first, a toast to our distinguished guest.

House Canotes.

House Canotes.

Vive la France.

Vive la France.

The Queen.

The Queen.

President of Pompidou. President of Pompidou.

Teddy. Teddy.

Sorry about it, you know.

Say away.

mean to break anything up. I just wanted you to make less noise, that's all.

But you can't have a party without noise.

Sorry, miss. I've got a job to do. Good evening.

Good night.

It's just our luck.

Mum and Dad away, and we can't even get a scene together.

There's no justice, Mike.

We're supposed to be permissive. We ought to at least get the chance.

Yeah, I bet the golden oldies are having a swinging time in Paris.

Bobby Moore.

Pig and Whistle.

Sid. Sit down, I'm starving.

As long as he keeps proposing, I'm going to respond.

I think we've won.

myself. I'll do me out.

Englebert.

What's his name?

Humperdinck. That's it. I knew it. I know it.

Humperdinck.

The French Foreign Legion.

The French Foreign Legion.

The Dagenham Girl Partners.

Wasn't exactly one of our better nights, was it, pal?

No, but it may have been one of our worst.

You know, all I've eaten is half a sausage roll.

All I've had is the other half.

I've got an idea.

How would you like to go to the Dorchester Grill and have a massive

-up? What are we going to use for money?

One of Dad's credit cards.

Red French painter Toulouse -Lautrec.

The great English painter Charlie Cartwright.

Who's Charlie Cartwright?

The fellow who painted our kitchen.

The Common Market.

The British Empire.

No. Your British Empire is finished. The Common Market.

Knickers to the Common Market.

You'll have to watch it now we're in, mate. You'll have to get your fingers

I'll say what I like. I'm English.

What did he say?

He called you a pig.

Oh, did he?

Well, let me tell you something, mate.

You are a little fat French garlic -smelling twit.

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