All language subtitles for Bless This House s03e08 Atishoo We All Fall Down

Bless This House, Part 1, Take 1, VTR
number 7003.

It's Saturday morning.

On Saturday mornings, I have my
breakfast in bed.

Nearly lunchtime.

That's the third time you've done that.
You'll have my pyjama trousers off in a

minute.

I don't feel well.

Oh, rubbish.

You're never not well. Let's have a look
at you.

There you are. You look marvellous.
Nothing wrong with you at all.

When I've had my breakfast, I call the
doctor.

I don't need a doctor. I know what it
is. I've got flu.

Betty's just had it, remember?

Trust her to bring her blooming germs
round here.

Every winter it's the same.

I'm going to build a sheep tip round her
back.

Every time she comes, she can wade
through it.

Don't shout at Betty, Sid.

You know very well Trevor's away and
she's going to have a baby.

Don't catch that as well.

complaining and just make me a cup of
tea.

I see we're getting the usual
cooperation from the kids.

Nothing? Well, they don't know I'm ill,
do they?

Well, what happened if we were both ill?

Supposing we couldn't move?

They'd sleep right through it, wouldn't
they?

I mean, we'd have to stay here until
somebody noticed the milk bottle's

up on the doorstep.

All I want is a cup of tea.

All right. All right, darling. I'll make
you a cup of tea.

Don't worry about a thing.

Leave it to me. One cup of tea coming
up.

You just lie there and enjoy your flu,
and I'll be right with it.

If you want anything, just ring down.
Just bash on the floor with that. Hang

I'll have that.

Bash on the floor with that one instead.
Right. Thank you. Right.

Sally?

Sally?

Your mother's got flu.

I'll need some help. She wants a cup of
tea.

Two cups of tea I've got to make.

And if you want anything else, bang on
the floor with it.

Thank you, Daddy.

Right.

Mike! Hi, Dad. Come on in.

What's the matter, Dad? Mum kicked you
out of bed.

I knew it. You're the only useless
member of the family and he's all right.

Well, I look after myself, don't I?

Your mother's got flu and Sally's got
flu and I've got to make two cups of

Make that three.

Get up.

Have you no shame?

What have I got to be ashamed about,
Sonny? A body?

Well, put something on it and bring it
down to the kitchen.

Come on, I need some help. I'm not very
good in the kitchen, Dad. You're not

very good anyway. Get up.

Yes?

and tell him to ring me. And when he
rings me, will you tell him that I'm too

ill to come to the phone?

Yes,

darling? Will you ring the butcher for
me and tell him I'm ill? And if he asks

what we want, tell him nothing.

You mean tell him nothing or tell him we
want nothing?

Yes. Oh, delirious.

Oh, Sid!

Yes, darling? Don't let Mike and...

and I'm catching flu.

Oh, it's all right. Sally's already got
it, and the only thing he can catch is

distemper. Oh, Sid!

Yes, darling?

When you've made the tea, would you
clean the budgie's cage out and give him

food? And then you can wash the dishes
and leave the carpet still last.

And then you can put the oven on ready
for the chicken and let Mike do the

washing, because the machine
automatically does it all, so he

get anything wrong.

Right. Oh, and Sid!

I know.

Polish the silver and tune the piano.

Thank you, darling.

You're welcome.

Is that my Chelsea scarf?

Yeah.

Stretched a bit, isn't it?

It's all right, she said. You can have
it. might do the washing, she said. The

machine automatically does it all, she
said. It couldn't possibly make a

mistake. Look at it. It's like a bloody
streamer.

With my gobble cap.

You boiled it, you twit. You dumb

boy. I told you the kitchen wasn't my
thing.

blue handkerchief and a blue driving
licence.

Come here.

Now, I know I've taken a shocking chance
doing this, but do you think you could

possibly feed the budget?

Yeah, sure.

and collect the tea trays.

And when you see your mother and Sally,
stand as close to them as you can.

Breathe in very deeply.

About 17 times.

And don't come out of there till you've
got a temperature.

Useless twit.

Always take the easy way out.

Find the jersey cream for the kids.

Find the watered -out for that funny
-looking old man of yours.

And if you're the only one in the street
who hasn't given me a kiss yet, let's

have it.

Well, as I was saying, find the jersey
cream for the governor.

Find the watered -out for the kids.

And a quick scarf for the builders.

I'll ram a jogger down his throat
tomorrow.

Here you go, Dad. Some more washing up
for you.

Did they enjoy their tea? Yeah, they
thought it was great. Sally went, yeah,

Mum went, yeah.

No appreciation at all. I wish I had
flu.

Now then, where was I?

Just in.

Now, chicken.

Chicken.

Now then, where is chicken?

Chicken, chicken, chicken.

I'll bet that twit's boiled it.

That's funny.

Oi. You haven't seen the chicken, have
you?

Like you, it's a bird. Only bigger.

No feathers.

All sort of naked.

And you get a lump of sage and onion and
you shove it in the... in the oven.

All right, go back to sleep.

Get up, get up. I'll just straighten
that pillow.

And get your feet off the carpet, I've
overheard it.

All right, I'm coming.

Yes, darling?

Sid, could you give me the eiderdown
back?

It keeps living a life of its own.

Right, now where's the chicken?

On the left.

On the left what?

On the left counter at the supermarket.

Do you mean to tell me I've got to go
all the way down to the supermarket for

chicken? No, you don't have to. have
chicken. Oh, fine, I'll have a piece of

cheese. Well, that's on the third
counter on the right.

Haven't you got anything to eat in this
house?

Sid, you know it's Saturday, my big
shopping day.

But seeing as it's too much trouble,
I'll do it. No, no, no, no, it's all

It's all right.

It's just that I'm a marvellous husband,
but a lousy housewife, you know.

Well, how's Mike to do it?

You must be joking. Mike couldn't cope
with a supermarket?

The only thing he'd bring home is the
cashier.

I'll do it.

Oh, don't kiss me, Sid. You'll catch
flu.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. You're my wife,
aren't you? And I love you. If I want

to kiss you, I'll kiss you. Oh, Sid.

That's great, isn't it, Dad?

Fourteen packets of washing -up powder.

One pair of rubber gloves.

Half a... pound of dried peas and a free
pan scrubber.

What's for lunch?

For you?

Woofy chunks.

Even I could have done better than that.

Blimey, it wasn't my fault. I mean, I
got my front wheel caught in somebody's

string bag.

I thought I sorted it out. I had the
wrong trolley.

Oh, God. Blimey, they're banging again.

They've had one cup of tea already
today.

Just a minute.

Hang on.

Just a minute. Wait a minute.

Hang on.

Hello. Hello.

Foster's Grocers here.

Oh, yes.

Mrs. Abbott didn't come in this morning.
I'm just checking to see if she wants

her usual order of free range eggs.

Oh, no, no, no. Just a minute. Two dozen
large brown.

I'm so sorry. There seems to be a bad
line. Could you speak up, please?

Two dozen large brown.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mum, in just a minute.

What? Could you come and straighten my
pillow for me, please? Come here.

Come here.

Go on.

Get into bed with your mother.

Let's have all the agony in one place.

Oh, we've got half a day lunch.

You're stuck into the chocolates.

I'm thirsty.

So am I.

Oh, God, Blondie, it's like a casualty
clearing station.

Remind me before I go to bed. I'll fill
it with hot cocoa.

All right, Barney.

Hello. Hello, Sid.

Hello, Jeff.

Listen, Sid, I'm ringing from
Manchester. I've been delayed. I won't

come home till tomorrow night, mate.

All right, mate. I'll see you tomorrow
night.

No, no, no, no. Look, the thing is, I
just phoned Betty and she's got this

twinge in her back.

As long as she hasn't got it in the
front, mate.

Anyhow, Sid, I've told her to get into
bed and get hold of me referee's

And if it gets any worse, they get two
short blasts.

Well, the baby's not due yet, is it?

Well, no, but you can't be sure, can
you, Sid? I mean, you can't be sure.

Of course you can be sure.

Blimey, don't you remember? I mean, when
did you... Well, haven't you worked it

out?

I can't work it out. I don't have fixed
habits, do I?

Depends how the match goes on a
Saturday.

The way our team's playing, mate, I'm
amazed you did it at all.

All right, Trev, leave it to me.

Thanks, Sid, you're a pal.

See you tomorrow, then. See you
tomorrow.

Now, where was I?

What?

One glass of water. Thank you, Daddy.

One glass of water. Thank you.

One large scotch.

Oh, Sid, at this time of the day.

I need it.

It keeps me going.

Betty's got her twins in her back.

And if it comes round the front, she's
going to blow Trevor's referee's

But you don't have to worry, Sid.

You get a lot of twinges when you're
pregnant.

That's all I need, her cluttering up his
ass.

Have you seen the size of her?

I'd have to call a mountain rescue team
to get her out of the bloody chair.

Will you stop worrying? The baby's not
due yet.

Trevor's not due yet.

Trevor! That's right!

My God!

It's the twins!

Thank you, Daddy.

Ciao, Dad.

Is it sugar?

Seven.

Oh, darling.

you got us all down here?

Because I want to keep an eye on you,
and I want you to keep an eye on her.

Why did you blow that whistle?

I wanted to see if it worked.

You all right, Betty?

Oh, don't you worry about me. It's only
a twinge. You have your flu in peace.

It's probably a false alarm.

I had three false alarms with Mike.

I bet your fib was good, though.

Oh, yes. He rushed me to the hospital
all three times.

Oh, that's a very good sign.

Trevor wants his son.

Probably wants to teach him to play
football.

Well, enough to. He's scored two goals
already.

They're very kind at the hospital. If
you're even the slightest bit worried,

they give you gas and air.

What's that, then?

Well, you breathe it in through a mask.

It makes you so relaxed you don't feel
anything.

He's marvellous, isn't he, Sid?

How's your arm now?

and all that. I didn't have that either.

But Sid used to get up every night and
mow his way through a jar of cucumbers.

And heartburn?

Yes, he had that as well.

Come to think of it, he had the
symptoms.

All I had was the baby.

Oh, can I throw a pickled onion?

Sid? Yes?

Bring Betty a pickled onion.

I'll be glad to get back to you.

Give that noise.

I find it slightly difficult to suck a
pickled onion.

I'd like to die.

Sit!

Will you stop sneezing all over me? It's
like going through a bloody car wash.

Thank God there's a doctor.

Good morning. Hello, doctor. Come in.

Here. Have a drink?

Not yet, thank you. I'll have it. Come
on.

Good grief.

Hope we can get supplies.

My wife was flu, and my daughter was
flu, and my son was flu. And our

was child.

My word, you have been busy, haven't
you?

Right, let's make a start, shall we?

Miss Abbott first.

He

looks

a bit run down.

Yes, well, he uses a lot of energy. Yawn
him.

They all want to die.

I've wanted to die for years, but I will
keep curing myself.

That's very funny, that.

Now then, everybody got a sore throat?

Yes, Doctor.

All hot and cold?

Yes, Doctor.

General feeling of weariness?

Yes, Doctor.

Fine. Looks to me as if they've all got
the flu.

I've already told you that.

Stuff them with aspirin, that'll cure
them.

No good stuffing her with aspirin.

No? Why not?

Oh, she's... Pregnant!

I don't want her to know. I mean, I
don't want her to worry.

At first?

Yes, she's having twinges. Ah, how often
they occur?

About one to every three booties.

You all right, my dear?

Yes, thank you.

I've had it, you see.

I don't think so.

No, I mean, I've had the flu.

I like to get me flu over early so I can
fit me bronchitis in before Christmas.

Well, if those twinges reoccur, get in
touch with your own doctor, will you?

That's fine.

Bye -bye, everybody.

Bye, Doctor. Thank you, Doctor. Thank
you.

By the way, yes, if that pain develops,
get her into hospital right away, will

you? Never can tell with first babies.
Oh, sure, I can cope. Every family has

its rock to lean on. Bye.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Hang on! Hang on!

Hang on!

Nine.

Nine. Nine.

I'll have the lot.

On the other hand, perhaps you'd better
bring a removal van.

542 -1829.

Ambulance service.

Two -hour road.

Accident? Well, it must have been.
Nobody would do it to her on purpose.

Now, don't panic.

Don't panic. Everything's all right.

Babies are born every minute.

Thousands of them. So just control
yourself.

You did shout, didn't you? Of course I
did.

Well, then, sit down. Don't leap about,
everybody. Just stay where you are. Just

control yourself.

What did you shout for?

I spilt my own milk down me.

And my tummy broke.

You do know what you've done, don't you?

I spilt my milk.

You made me make a phone call. That's
what you've done.

Stop shouting at her. She's having a
baby.

What a noise she made. I thought she'd
already had it.

The milk was hot, Daddy. It gave her a
fright.

Fright? Do you know how many frights
I've had today? Look at that. It's like

built -in bloody egg whisk.

Betty, I'm sorry, Betty. I'm only trying
to do my best. I'm overworked, you see,

and I can't stand the strain. Betty, do
me a favour.

She's just a little one.

Have the baby now.

I've got transport laid on.

Go on, and I'll bring you lots of grapes
to the hospital.

Oh, God, she's done the bloody sofa in.

the ostriches there. Don't need to
worry. No, no, no. Let me.

Let me.

In there. That's where they are. Oh,
sorry, sir. In there.

Oh, blimey.

Oh, blimey.

There's been a massacre.

There's bodies everywhere.

Must be the work of a maniac.

Well, as soon as they've got a spare
ambulance, they're coming home.

I would love a cup of black coffee.

Oh, God, never again.

There she goes.

Moby Dick.

Oh, God.

What's the matter now?