Original subtitles

Bless This House, Part 1, Take 1, VTR number 7003.

It's Saturday morning.

On Saturday mornings, I have my breakfast in bed.

Nearly lunchtime.

That's the third time you've done that. You'll have my pyjama trousers off in a

minute.

I don't feel well.

Oh, rubbish.

You're never not well. Let's have a look at you.

There you are. You look marvellous. Nothing wrong with you at all.

When I've had my breakfast, I call the doctor.

I don't need a doctor. I know what it is. I've got flu.

Betty's just had it, remember?

Trust her to bring her blooming germs round here.

Every winter it's the same.

I'm going to build a sheep tip round her back.

Every time she comes, she can wade through it.

Don't shout at Betty, Sid.

You know very well Trevor's away and she's going to have a baby.

Don't catch that as well.

complaining and just make me a cup of tea.

I see we're getting the usual cooperation from the kids.

Nothing? Well, they don't know I'm ill, do they?

Well, what happened if we were both ill?

Supposing we couldn't move?

They'd sleep right through it, wouldn't they?

I mean, we'd have to stay here until somebody noticed the milk bottle's

up on the doorstep.

All I want is a cup of tea.

All right. All right, darling. I'll make you a cup of tea.

Don't worry about a thing.

Leave it to me. One cup of tea coming up.

You just lie there and enjoy your flu, and I'll be right with it.

If you want anything, just ring down. Just bash on the floor with that. Hang

I'll have that.

Bash on the floor with that one instead. Right. Thank you. Right.

Sally?

Sally?

Your mother's got flu.

I'll need some help. She wants a cup of tea.

Two cups of tea I've got to make.

And if you want anything else, bang on the floor with it.

Thank you, Daddy.

Right.

Mike! Hi, Dad. Come on in.

What's the matter, Dad? Mum kicked you out of bed.

I knew it. You're the only useless member of the family and he's all right.

Well, I look after myself, don't I?

Your mother's got flu and Sally's got flu and I've got to make two cups of

Make that three.

Get up.

Have you no shame?

What have I got to be ashamed about, Sonny? A body?

Well, put something on it and bring it down to the kitchen.

Come on, I need some help. I'm not very good in the kitchen, Dad. You're not

very good anyway. Get up.

Yes?

and tell him to ring me. And when he rings me, will you tell him that I'm too

ill to come to the phone?

Yes,

darling? Will you ring the butcher for me and tell him I'm ill? And if he asks

what we want, tell him nothing.

You mean tell him nothing or tell him we want nothing?

Yes. Oh, delirious.

Oh, Sid!

Yes, darling? Don't let Mike and...

and I'm catching flu.

Oh, it's all right. Sally's already got it, and the only thing he can catch is

distemper. Oh, Sid!

Yes, darling?

When you've made the tea, would you clean the budgie's cage out and give him

food? And then you can wash the dishes and leave the carpet still last.

And then you can put the oven on ready for the chicken and let Mike do the

washing, because the machine automatically does it all, so he

get anything wrong.

Right. Oh, and Sid!

I know.

Polish the silver and tune the piano.

Thank you, darling.

You're welcome.

Is that my Chelsea scarf?

Yeah.

Stretched a bit, isn't it?

It's all right, she said. You can have it. might do the washing, she said. The

machine automatically does it all, she said. It couldn't possibly make a

mistake. Look at it. It's like a bloody streamer.

With my gobble cap.

You boiled it, you twit. You dumb

boy. I told you the kitchen wasn't my thing.

blue handkerchief and a blue driving licence.

Come here.

Now, I know I've taken a shocking chance doing this, but do you think you could

possibly feed the budget?

Yeah, sure.

and collect the tea trays.

And when you see your mother and Sally, stand as close to them as you can.

Breathe in very deeply.

About 17 times.

And don't come out of there till you've got a temperature.

Useless twit.

Always take the easy way out.

Find the jersey cream for the kids.

Find the watered -out for that funny -looking old man of yours.

And if you're the only one in the street who hasn't given me a kiss yet, let's

have it.

Well, as I was saying, find the jersey cream for the governor.

Find the watered -out for the kids.

And a quick scarf for the builders.

I'll ram a jogger down his throat tomorrow.

Here you go, Dad. Some more washing up for you.

Did they enjoy their tea? Yeah, they thought it was great. Sally went, yeah,

Mum went, yeah.

No appreciation at all. I wish I had flu.

Now then, where was I?

Just in.

Now, chicken.

Chicken.

Now then, where is chicken?

Chicken, chicken, chicken.

I'll bet that twit's boiled it.

That's funny.

Oi. You haven't seen the chicken, have you?

Like you, it's a bird. Only bigger.

No feathers.

All sort of naked.

And you get a lump of sage and onion and you shove it in the... in the oven.

All right, go back to sleep.

Get up, get up. I'll just straighten that pillow.

And get your feet off the carpet, I've overheard it.

All right, I'm coming.

Yes, darling?

Sid, could you give me the eiderdown back?

It keeps living a life of its own.

Right, now where's the chicken?

On the left.

On the left what?

On the left counter at the supermarket.

Do you mean to tell me I've got to go all the way down to the supermarket for

chicken? No, you don't have to. have chicken. Oh, fine, I'll have a piece of

cheese. Well, that's on the third counter on the right.

Haven't you got anything to eat in this house?

Sid, you know it's Saturday, my big shopping day.

But seeing as it's too much trouble, I'll do it. No, no, no, no, it's all

It's all right.

It's just that I'm a marvellous husband, but a lousy housewife, you know.

Well, how's Mike to do it?

You must be joking. Mike couldn't cope with a supermarket?

The only thing he'd bring home is the cashier.

I'll do it.

Oh, don't kiss me, Sid. You'll catch flu.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. You're my wife, aren't you? And I love you. If I want

to kiss you, I'll kiss you. Oh, Sid.

That's great, isn't it, Dad?

Fourteen packets of washing -up powder.

One pair of rubber gloves.

Half a... pound of dried peas and a free pan scrubber.

What's for lunch?

For you?

Woofy chunks.

Even I could have done better than that.

Blimey, it wasn't my fault. I mean, I got my front wheel caught in somebody's

string bag.

I thought I sorted it out. I had the wrong trolley.

Oh, God. Blimey, they're banging again.

They've had one cup of tea already today.

Just a minute.

Hang on.

Just a minute. Wait a minute.

Hang on.

Hello. Hello.

Foster's Grocers here.

Oh, yes.

Mrs. Abbott didn't come in this morning. I'm just checking to see if she wants

her usual order of free range eggs.

Oh, no, no, no. Just a minute. Two dozen large brown.

I'm so sorry. There seems to be a bad line. Could you speak up, please?

Two dozen large brown.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mum, in just a minute.

What? Could you come and straighten my pillow for me, please? Come here.

Come here.

Go on.

Get into bed with your mother.

Let's have all the agony in one place.

Oh, we've got half a day lunch.

You're stuck into the chocolates.

I'm thirsty.

So am I.

Oh, God, Blondie, it's like a casualty clearing station.

Remind me before I go to bed. I'll fill it with hot cocoa.

All right, Barney.

Hello. Hello, Sid.

Hello, Jeff.

Listen, Sid, I'm ringing from Manchester. I've been delayed. I won't

come home till tomorrow night, mate.

All right, mate. I'll see you tomorrow night.

No, no, no, no. Look, the thing is, I just phoned Betty and she's got this

twinge in her back.

As long as she hasn't got it in the front, mate.

Anyhow, Sid, I've told her to get into bed and get hold of me referee's

And if it gets any worse, they get two short blasts.

Well, the baby's not due yet, is it?

Well, no, but you can't be sure, can you, Sid? I mean, you can't be sure.

Of course you can be sure.

Blimey, don't you remember? I mean, when did you... Well, haven't you worked it

out?

I can't work it out. I don't have fixed habits, do I?

Depends how the match goes on a Saturday.

The way our team's playing, mate, I'm amazed you did it at all.

All right, Trev, leave it to me.

Thanks, Sid, you're a pal.

See you tomorrow, then. See you tomorrow.

Now, where was I?

What?

One glass of water. Thank you, Daddy.

One glass of water. Thank you.

One large scotch.

Oh, Sid, at this time of the day.

I need it.

It keeps me going.

Betty's got her twins in her back.

And if it comes round the front, she's going to blow Trevor's referee's

But you don't have to worry, Sid.

You get a lot of twinges when you're pregnant.

That's all I need, her cluttering up his ass.

Have you seen the size of her?

I'd have to call a mountain rescue team to get her out of the bloody chair.

Will you stop worrying? The baby's not due yet.

Trevor's not due yet.

Trevor! That's right!

My God!

It's the twins!

Thank you, Daddy.

Ciao, Dad.

Is it sugar?

Seven.

Oh, darling.

you got us all down here?

Because I want to keep an eye on you, and I want you to keep an eye on her.

Why did you blow that whistle?

I wanted to see if it worked.

You all right, Betty?

Oh, don't you worry about me. It's only a twinge. You have your flu in peace.

It's probably a false alarm.

I had three false alarms with Mike.

I bet your fib was good, though.

Oh, yes. He rushed me to the hospital all three times.

Oh, that's a very good sign.

Trevor wants his son.

Probably wants to teach him to play football.

Well, enough to. He's scored two goals already.

They're very kind at the hospital. If you're even the slightest bit worried,

they give you gas and air.

What's that, then?

Well, you breathe it in through a mask.

It makes you so relaxed you don't feel anything.

He's marvellous, isn't he, Sid?

How's your arm now?

and all that. I didn't have that either.

But Sid used to get up every night and mow his way through a jar of cucumbers.

And heartburn?

Yes, he had that as well.

Come to think of it, he had the symptoms.

All I had was the baby.

Oh, can I throw a pickled onion?

Sid? Yes?

Bring Betty a pickled onion.

I'll be glad to get back to you.

Give that noise.

I find it slightly difficult to suck a pickled onion.

I'd like to die.

Sit!

Will you stop sneezing all over me? It's like going through a bloody car wash.

Thank God there's a doctor.

Good morning. Hello, doctor. Come in.

Here. Have a drink?

Not yet, thank you. I'll have it. Come on.

Good grief.

Hope we can get supplies.

My wife was flu, and my daughter was flu, and my son was flu. And our

was child.

My word, you have been busy, haven't you?

Right, let's make a start, shall we?

Miss Abbott first.

He

looks

a bit run down.

Yes, well, he uses a lot of energy. Yawn him.

They all want to die.

I've wanted to die for years, but I will keep curing myself.

That's very funny, that.

Now then, everybody got a sore throat?

Yes, Doctor.

All hot and cold?

Yes, Doctor.

General feeling of weariness?

Yes, Doctor.

Fine. Looks to me as if they've all got the flu.

I've already told you that.

Stuff them with aspirin, that'll cure them.

No good stuffing her with aspirin.

No? Why not?

Oh, she's... Pregnant!

I don't want her to know. I mean, I don't want her to worry.

At first?

Yes, she's having twinges. Ah, how often they occur?

About one to every three booties.

You all right, my dear?

Yes, thank you.

I've had it, you see.

I don't think so.

No, I mean, I've had the flu.

I like to get me flu over early so I can fit me bronchitis in before Christmas.

Well, if those twinges reoccur, get in touch with your own doctor, will you?

That's fine.

Bye -bye, everybody.

Bye, Doctor. Thank you, Doctor. Thank you.

By the way, yes, if that pain develops, get her into hospital right away, will

you? Never can tell with first babies. Oh, sure, I can cope. Every family has

its rock to lean on. Bye.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Hang on! Hang on!

Hang on!

Nine.

Nine. Nine.

I'll have the lot.

On the other hand, perhaps you'd better bring a removal van.

542 -1829.

Ambulance service.

Two -hour road.

Accident? Well, it must have been. Nobody would do it to her on purpose.

Now, don't panic.

Don't panic. Everything's all right.

Babies are born every minute.

Thousands of them. So just control yourself.

You did shout, didn't you? Of course I did.

Well, then, sit down. Don't leap about, everybody. Just stay where you are. Just

control yourself.

What did you shout for?

I spilt my own milk down me.

And my tummy broke.

You do know what you've done, don't you?

I spilt my milk.

You made me make a phone call. That's what you've done.

Stop shouting at her. She's having a baby.

What a noise she made. I thought she'd already had it.

The milk was hot, Daddy. It gave her a fright.

Fright? Do you know how many frights I've had today? Look at that. It's like

built -in bloody egg whisk.

Betty, I'm sorry, Betty. I'm only trying to do my best. I'm overworked, you see,

and I can't stand the strain. Betty, do me a favour.

She's just a little one.

Have the baby now.

I've got transport laid on.

Go on, and I'll bring you lots of grapes to the hospital.

Oh, God, she's done the bloody sofa in.

the ostriches there. Don't need to worry. No, no, no. Let me.

Let me.

In there. That's where they are. Oh, sorry, sir. In there.

Oh, blimey.

Oh, blimey.

There's been a massacre.

There's bodies everywhere.

Must be the work of a maniac.

Well, as soon as they've got a spare ambulance, they're coming home.

I would love a cup of black coffee.

Oh, God, never again.

There she goes.

Moby Dick.

Oh, God.

What's the matter now?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0