Original subtitles

Good morning, Dad.

Morning.

What's the time?

Half past seven. I brought you breakfast in bed.

What's the matter?

Oh, blimey, I just had a funny dream.

I dreamt you brought me breakfast in bed.

But I have.

I don't believe it.

Oh, thank you.

Cornflakes, bacon and eggs. Oh, toast, coffee, lovely.

Morning, Daddy.

Morning. Here's the paper.

Isn't it wonderful?

Isn't what wonderful?

Mike's idea.

It's all right, pal. I haven't told him yet. Oh, you wait till he tells you,

Daddy. He'll make a fortune.

There's nobody else around here doing it.

Doing what?

There's no rush, Dad. I'll tell you all about it while you're eating your

breakfast. Here you are, darling. Brought you some more toast.

Well, what do you think of Mike's idea?

You want my honest opinion?

Well? It's going to cost me time, money, inconvenience and a shocking headache.

It's all right, Mum. I haven't told him yet. Quite true.

That's my opinion before he tells me.

Based on my dad and previous experience.

Oh, honestly, Sid, why must you always discourage him? I'm not discouraging

You don't trust him. Well, for the first time in his life, he brought me

breakfast in bed.

For the first time in her life, she brought me up the morning paper.

You brought me more toast. I didn't even ask for it. So it's not surprising. I

feel it.

Feel what?

Suspicious.

It's OK, Dad.

It really doesn't matter. I wouldn't have it now if you offered it to me. I

don't want the garage.

What garage?

Our garage.

Mike wants to turn it into a photography studio.

He wants to be a photographer?

He is a photographer. He studied at art college.

All he needs now is a studio.

It's all right, Dad.

Forget I even asked.

You haven't asked me, have you?

No, of course not, because I knew what you'd say.

Then you haven't got a problem, have you?

Oh, I didn't mean a few, Daddy. I really...

No wonder Mike's got a complex.

You've discouraged every idea he's ever had.

It's perfectly all right, Mum. I'll rent one somewhere.

Good. Well, I can't stand around here all day. I've got the washing up to do.

Well, that's my breakfast.

Danny, bring that paper down. I haven't read it yet.

Excuse me.

I wouldn't have it now if you begged me.

card have been stuck up in the street all week.

You see, what sort of pictures is he taking in there?

All the usual stuff.

Portraits, passports, you know. Oh, those sorts.

What sort were you hoping he was taking?

Well, I don't know. I thought he might be taking, well, you know, pinups.

Pinups? Yeah.

The minute somebody says the word photography, your sex maniac mind

goes to start making overripe birds on sofas, doesn't it?

I only wondered.

You were wondering if you could go in there and help him.

Well, I probably could, Sid. I mean, I believe that nude, nude photography is a

very artistic thing.

Yes? Yeah.

Well, if ever you want your passport photo done in the nude, he'll do it.

You can laugh.

You didn't know I'd won prizes for it, did you?

Prizes for what?

Photography.

Photography. Yeah. All sorts.

Yeah, all sorts of nude photography.

Where did you get all this stuff, Mike? Well, most of it out of the attic.

Where did you buy the camera?

Oh, I got it off Big Herbert at college.

He needs the bread because he's getting married.

Is he marrying that model?

Yeah. Only he won't let her model anymore.

He's turned into a real drag.

He says he doesn't want other men staring at her body.

So what's she doing now, then? She's gone for a job as a barmaid.

From an artistic point of view, the nude female form is a very beautiful thing.

You're nothing but a sex maniac.

God.

I don't know. It must be new here.

Two pints of bitter, please, love.

Two pints of bitter?

Yes, please. One for it, one for me.

Certainly, sir.

Where's Vera, then?

Oh, she went down with flu.

Yeah, there's a lot of it about.

You can say that again.

It's all a bit new to me. I haven't got used to it yet.

Well, you have, haven't you?

What were you doing before then?

Well, I'm a model, really.

You're a what?

Yeah.

Well, we'll be coming here a bit more often, though, you're serving. You speak

for yourself.

Is it the wrong beer? Oh, no, no, no, it's the right beer. It's the wrong

quantity.

Oh, dear.

Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

Oh, dear, I'm ever so naughty.

I ought to wear them all the time, really.

Wear what?

My glasses.

Yeah, I like you in them.

you? Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, only stand men don't like girls with glasses.

Especially when they're half empty.

Oh, sorry.

You do that very well.

Yes, you've got a lovely follow through.

Hugh, is that better?

Very nice, thank you. Well,

today's the big day. Yeah, we've put cars in all the newsagents and we've

out two

vouchers. So they'll be queuing up.

Well, they should be.

Hey, you all right, Mike?

They look too good.

Oh, I feel all shivery, Mum.

Oh, I'd better get out there. I close before the rush starts.

Well, put your coat on. It's breathing outside.

Okay, Mummy.

One flat battery.

I did tell you to cover the engine with an old blanket.

So you did.

to remind me to take it off again.

If you think that's chewed up, you want to see the fan belt.

Sorry, Ted. I just put that on the charger and I put on a spare fan belt. I

one somewhere.

Oh, Ted, must you?

Yes.

Ted! I've washed that floor.

Well, it's a hard life being the mother of a budding Andy Warhol.

You use the kitchen as a garage, you're bound to have some confusion.

Oh, good afternoon.

Good afternoon. I've come to have a photo taken.

Both of you?

No, just him.

Come in.

Is he, um... Stuffed, yes.

while he was alive. I never got round to it.

Well, the photographer's got somebody with him at the moment, but he won't be

long. So you'd like to wait?

Yes. Come in.

Won't you sit down?

Name, please.

Mr Jones.

No, the name of the sitter.

Oh, Beethoven.

Age? 87.

Oh, I don't really know.

Well,

it never really mattered, you see. We only had one of them.

Is it a passport photograph?

No, just for the family album.

Well, if you'd like to wait.

Can you move over to the left a bit?

Not too much.

There you go.

OK, you can pick it up tomorrow. I'll give you a repeat.

I feel terrible, as if my head doesn't belong to my body.

Afternoon. Oh, good afternoon. Are you the photographer?

No, no, I'm his father. Sit down.

Thank you.

Oh, is he with you?

Yes.

Pretty Polly.

Pretty Polly.

Oi, oi, oi.

Very quiet, isn't he?

He's been stuffed.

Oh, I see, yes, well, it has its advantages, doesn't it?

I beg your pardon?

Well, you don't have to feed him, do you?

Well, he never was a big eater, not even when he was alive, never ate much at

all. Oh, looks very well on it.

Yeah, well, he was a lot skinnier before he was... Before he was stabbed, yes.

Can I hold him? Yes.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, he's lovely and soft, isn't he?

Lovely colour.

He spoke.

No, that wasn't him.

Oh, no.

It's our little Joey in there.

Hang on, I just want to... I just want to introduce him. Hang on.

Hello, Joe. Here, look, Joe.

Joey, look.

Big brother is watching you.

You're quite sure he's dead, are you?

He's digging in like something else.

That's better.

Nice bit of clothes he's got down there.

Could he be done on a voucher? Yes, of course, yeah. Because if he comes out

right, I'd like to bring my canaries round.

Canaries? Oh, they stuffed as well? Well, partly.

Partly? Some are and some aren't.

Oh, well, why don't you have them all stuffed?

Well, they're not all dead yet.

Could you come and look at Mike? I think he's ill. Yeah, excuse me. I'm going to

look at Mike. She thinks he's ill.

103.

What's the matter with him?

He's got the flu and he won't go to bed.

I can't go to bed, can I? I've got 200 vouchers out.

How can I stop before I've even started?

You did right.

I mean, he can't stop working every time he has a little cold.

Temperature of 103.

Is that all?

Call me when he reaches boiling point.

Please, make him go to bed.

No, I'll go to bed.

If you get any worse, we'll call the vet.

What about my customers?

Oh, don't worry about the customers. We'll see to them.

Who's we?

Me and Trevor.

Trevor?

Yes. He's an expert photographer.

He's won prizes for new... New what?

New ways of taking pictures.

So you just put him to bed, you two, and leave it to me. Go on, then. Off it.

And I don't want you shouting down for hot toddies all day.

Now then.

Ah, right.

Get this one up first.

I think if we just...

Now, don't argue, Trevor. Just get round here as quickly as you can.

I'll tell you when you get here.

Hello. Hello.

Have you come to have your picture taken? Yes. Oh, straight through,

Thank you. Here we are. Straight through.

Do the help.

Thank you.

Hello.

Well, fancy you coming round here.

Have we met before, then? Yes, in the hair and hands, remember?

Yes. I fancy that.

Oh.

This young lady's, um... A model.

That's right, she's a model.

I'm ever so sorry I didn't recognise you. I'm so naughty. I'm still not

them.

How interesting.

She means she's not wearing... Hello, Sid, I'm... Hello.

What are you doing here? Hello. Oh, I'm having my photo taken. That's right, and

you're the bloke that's taking it.

What are you talking about? Just take the young lady to the studio.

You mean the garage? The studio. Would you go with Mr Trevor, please? Take the

lady to the studio. I'll be with you in a minute.

Don't be long. Sit down.

I think perhaps I'll come along as well.

Well, you can if you want. You don't have to. Her trouble is she's very short

-sighted. If she's after you and Trevor, she must be.

She's not after me. She's working at the Heron Hound part -time.

Modelling? Beyond the box. Excuse me. It's just a little private family

discussion. I'll tell you later. I'm busy now.

What about this gentleman with the parrot? He was here first.

You're all right, aren't you? I mean, he won't fly away, will he?

Come on, Tim, lad.

Where is she?

She's behind the curtain.

What's she doing there?

She's getting changed.

She wants her photo taken in it for a beauty contest.

This is right up your alley, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's smashing you letting me watch it.

Watch? Watch what?

Well, you know, your Mike taking the old pin -ups there.

Mike has got the flu, you twit. That's why I've got you round here. You're a

professional photographer, aren't you?

I... Well, yeah, er... Well, there's my camera. Get on with it.

Different? How different?

You know, it's a sort of oblong, you know, sort of black leather retina,

red window at the back.

A frowny box camera.

And you won prizes with it?

Well, one prize, when I was 12.

In a school magazine.

Nude pictures in a school magazine?

Not exactly nude, no.

No, no, he's in bathing costume, sort of happy holiday snaps.

I want five bob and a pack of foreign stamps.

Why do I listen to you?

The thing is, there's no need to worry. You see, the principle's the same. I'll

soon get the hang of it. Well, you better, I'm telling you.

Right, there we are.

Now,

you fool, hold on.

What?

What? Wait a minute.

Well, I will begin with you, see?

All right, Mr Trevor.

Just a little further back down, please. Yes, right there, Mr Trevor. Thank you.

I'll just arrange the aperture.

Fix the focus.

Have a little bit more light here.

Yes, I think we'll have F8 and 11.

I can't see you.

You're looking through the wrong hole, you bloody nippy.

Just a little further now. One more step, please.

No!

I'm sure they won't be long.

I can't think what they're doing in there.

Oh, thank you. It's quite all right. I'm in no hurry.

Would he like a biscuit?

Oh, sorry.

A lot of people do that. He's very real, isn't he?

He is, yeah.

Excuse me, someone at the door.

Oh, I'm a friend of Mike's. Herbert?

Oh, yes, you sold Mike the camera and stuff? Yeah, that's right. I just popped

round to see how he was getting on with it. Well, he's got the flu, but you can

go out and see him if you want to. Oh, all right, thanks.

Bloody fraud.

Has she gone yet? Yes, and she's not very happy.

I'm sorry, she's... I don't care how many nude pictures you take as long as

not on them.

Because there's a very good chance that it didn't come out. Supposing it does

come out?

Supposing Mike develops it and Gene sees it?

Yeah. Well, what are we going to do, then? There's only one thing we can do.

Take it out and expose it.

Huh? To film your nips.

Well, we've got to take it out of the camera and let the light get at it.

how do you do that? Let's have a look.

If we open it.

Open it back here. Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Having a bit of trouble, then?

We're trying to take the film out. Oh, well, let's have a look. Wait a minute,

mate. That's very delicate. You've got to know what you're doing. No, what I'm

doing... Listen, mate, I'm the one that sold it to him, so come on, get out of

it. Oh, yeah.

This is Herbert, Mike's friend. Mike's asked him to take over.

Oh, that's very nice of you to help. Thank you very much.

Who's going to do the developing, then?

We were looking forward to doing that, weren't we? Yeah. Well, look, you don't

even need to take the film out yet. There's still one on it.

Oh.

That man with the parrot's still waiting. And your tea's ready.

Yeah.

Well, you won't develop it till we come back, will you? No. Thank you very much.

Right, come on, Tim. Right.

You quite sure you know what you're doing?

I could do it with me eyes closed.

A very good idea. Do it that way.

You must divide the volume by the square root of the product and then add X

minus 12.

You're very good at maths, aren't you?

Well, we nearly ready for that.

Mr Jones is helping me do my homework.

Ah, very nice.

Oh, go blimey, who's that?

Excuse me.

What are you doing here? I'm sorry, but I think I left my handbag in the studio.

Oh, good. Well, come through the kitchen. It's quicker. Come on, quick.

Hello.

Oh, do I know you?

Yes. My brother's a friend of yours. Who, Mike?

Yes, Daddy. This is Janice, Herbert's fiancée.

Fiancée? You mean Big Herbert in the studio?

Is Herbert here?

Yes, that's why you're here, isn't it?

Yes. Now, come this way. Come through the front.

It's, uh...

It's not so quick, but it's much prettier.

What's Herbert doing here?

He's developing that picture.

He hasn't, has he? No, he hasn't. Not yet.

But he mustn't. I know he mustn't. So I've got to get him out of the garage so

can get the film. Tell him someone's ill.

Good idea. You.

Me? Yes. You faint and I'll run and get him. Well, where shall I faint? Out

here? Yes. Now? Yes, now. Come on.

Quick,

grab Oliver. She's fainted.

I don't know why. Just look after her. I won't be a minute.

Well, your tea's getting cold. I'll have it later.

What's going on?

Well, perhaps the bloke started developing it.

Sid didn't want to miss it.

Why? Well, I don't know, really.

What's on that film?

What's on what film?

Trevor, what is on the film? You might as well tell me. I shall find out.

Nothing. Right, I'll find out myself.

Where is she?

Where's who?

Janice, your husband said she fainted. I don't know what you're talking about.

Janice! Janice!

Oh, it's all right, but I feel better now. I must have fainted. Look, what's

going on? Why has she fainted? We don't know. The door suddenly flew open and

your husband came in with her in his arms.

I see. What?

I've had a terrible accident. I just saw the toxic camera and it fell out. Oh,

you really are stupid. That's a brand new roll of film.

I took a practice shot to finish this roll off.

Oh. Yes, she's fainted again. Well, you look after her, I'll look after that.

No, I'll look after that.

Oh. I was looking forward to the fun of developing that. Well, we'll all have

the fun of developing it. Oh, I must have fainted again. Here, I think I'd

better take her home. Yes, right away, immediately.

Well, if you go home, who's going to develop the film?

Is that all you can think of?

This poor girl lying here, fainted every two minutes.

I mean, she could be in... In the what?

In the first stages of a situation?

Perhaps I could help.

You? You a doctor?

No, I'm a taxidermist.

Keep right away from her, mate, that's all.

I think you misunderstand me.

I hope so, mate. What do you know about medicine?

Well, not much, but when he was ill, I looked after him. Look how he finished

up.

Come on, love, let's go. Stay with her. Don't leave her side.

For a couple of weeks.

Off you go.

No, what I was trying to say was that I was in the Royal Air Force.

Oh, really?

In the photographic section.

Oh, you mean you could... I could develop the film for you, if you like.

Well, if you and... Beethoven.

Beethoven would like to come with me.

Oh, well.

That's that.

Where's your mother?

She's gone into the garage with Mr Jones.

She's not going to take a picture of his parrot, is she?

Oh, God.

How did the pictures come out, then?

The faintest idea.

It's been out in the garage for the last half hour.

Your mother has been in the garage for the last half hour.

So where have you been?

Hammering on the door.

Do you mean they locked you out?

Yes, well, you know, it's probably locked indoors, so nobody can come in

the light in.

Sounds a bit fishy to me.

What sounds a bit fishy to you?

me locked in the guard with a strange man.

Get on with your own work.

Yes.

I can explain.

Oh, I'm sure you can.

You should go round and have a picture taken.

And I'm going out there now. I'll see you in a couple...