Original subtitles

VTR 7000, part one, take one.

I'll try for a minute, Mike.

It's not Mike, it's your father.

Oh, well, you'll have to wait, Daddy.

Do me a favour, will you?

Yes? Save me just half a cup of that hot water.

One, two, three, four, five.

Morning. Eight, nine, ten, eleven.

The sexual behaviour of the praying mantis.

That's a funny book you've got here, isn't it? What, funny insects, Dad?

Do you know, after mating, the female eats the male.

Very nice.

Very woman's lib.

Don't, don't, don't do that. You're making me dizzy. Please.

condition, Dad. I'm not out of condition. I'm just not awake yet.

To live a full life, you must have a strong, healthy body.

Not much point in having a strong, healthy body if you've got a mind on the

danger list, is it?

How are your stomach muscles, Dad?

Fine.

You could hurt somebody doing that, you fool.

I think I'll have a bath.

Sally's in there.

Oh, no. I'm going on my run in a minute.

Run? Yeah.

I'm going on a run so as to get fit enough for the walk.

You're taking a run to have a walk? Yeah.

Why is it every time you say something I think I'm going potty?

Dad, Leslie and I are going on a run so as to get fit enough to go on a

sponsored walk to Brighton.

You are walking to Brighton?

Yeah.

Oh, God, Blimey, that's funny, isn't it?

We ask you to put the milk bottles out, you have to rest for a week.

Not any more, Dad.

I have already explored the mountains of my mind.

That must have taken a good 30 seconds.

Now my body has occurred to me. Oh, well done.

Not only must it look good, it's got to feel good. So, Brighton, here I come.

How much?

Eh? How much are you getting for this do -it -yourself suicide?

I don't get a thing, Dad.

For everybody that completes the walk in two days, a firm has offered to install

a colour television set in the hospital.

Oh, you mean charity.

And you're not getting anything.

actually doing something for somebody for nothing. You got it in one, Dad.

Okay, the bathroom's free.

Just hang on a minute.

I've already reserved myself a two -inch deep, tepid bath.

Go in!

Go in!

Don't you dare touch my electric razor!

I'll have to stop saying I'll kill him and kill him!

too old to do what's going on. You're not too old to read what's going on.

Here, it's all in there.

I was wrong.

You are too old to read what's going on.

How dare you.

moving off that spot, you're making a hole there.

Oh, sorry.

Thank you.

So you're Charity too, are you?

No, I'm Leslie.

Oh, you're Leslie.

I thought it was the fella.

You're not, are you? No.

Hang on.

Hang on a minute.

Do that again.

Yes, sir.

this all the time? Yeah, except when I do the other.

The other?

The other exercise.

Oh.

Hang on. Hang on.

You'll break something.

You've got a funny accent. Where do you come from?

Sweden. Oh, Sweden.

That's where it's all free, isn't it?

I mean, the cost of living is enough. Here he is.

Here we are.

David Bedford.

Look at him. Looks like a stick of spaghetti.

Hi. Hi.

Ready? Ready. Hang on, hang on.

Ready.

Ciao. Ciao.

Ciao. Ciao.

That knife?

Yeah, he's gone.

But he hasn't had his breakfast. He can't go on an empty stomach.

He's not going on his stomach, is he?

it for charity, he said.

He's doing it for nothing.

Well, he is doing it for nothing.

If he gets to Brighton, the hospital will get a colour television set.

He has nothing to gain.

What's he up to doing something for nothing?

What can he be up to while he's walking?

I'm not stupid.

I'm not stupid. I know those walks.

They're not like the ones we used to take, you know.

Ten miles here and back with the Scoutmaster counting us every ten

Nice innocent little rat. in the countryside, they were.

Every time you pinched somebody's bottom, you lost a badge.

Well, you must have pinched quite a few.

What do you mean?

Well, on that photo of you in your scout uniform, there's nothing left but all

little round stitch marks.

At least we didn't shack down by the roadside like they will.

How can they shack down? They can't carry bedding all that way.

Bedding? You won't need any bedding.

Have you seen her chest?

You get lost among that lot, a hurricane couldn't shift you.

Come and have some coffee.

Oh, Blarley, I've only been up ten minutes and I'm worn out already.

But with him preserving his body and her preserving her face, I think they've

both gone raving mad.

Yes, dear.

What's the towel for?

I'm preserving my hair.

Why, are you going bald?

No, it's a special conditioner. It keeps the hair healthy and beautiful.

I don't know what's the matter with you lot.

We're trying to make the best of ourselves, that's all.

Go on, laugh as much as you like. If you just want to sit there and go to seed,

all right.

Go to seed?

What do you think I am, a bloody lupine?

Well, let's face it. You're not in the peak of condition, are you?

Are you, in some sort of subtle way, lodging a complaint?

I don't know what you mean.

I mean, are you in any way dissatisfied with my performance as a husband?

Am I or am I not a tiger in the bedroom?

I haven't even mentioned the bedroom.

Good. But come to think of it, the way you snore, tiger's a very good word.

Considering what?

Well, considering your age, when you were born and how old you are.

Who do you think I played with at school?

Moses?

I'm in the prime of life. I am quite satisfied with what Mother Nature gave

really nice. It's just the sort of talk to give a man confidence, Eddie.

That's the trouble with you, Daddy. You're too self -satisfied.

You see, darling, when we bought that chair in the living room, we were both

satisfied with it, weren't we?

What's that got to do with it?

By the time he's been once round the block, he'll need respringing as well.

You're deliberately missing the whole point, Daddy.

Still, if you want to go to seed... Your mother's already said that.

Now, there's no need for us to argue just because we disagree.

Can you imagine him walking to Brighton?

Well, there's no harm in trying. Well, that'd be ridiculous.

At least he won't be lying dormant in bed.

No, he'd be lying prostrate in somebody's front garden.

And you with your face packs.

I could stick 34 of those things on my face and it would still feel like Harris

Tweed.

Yes, you're right.

Lee, can you move the fridge up for me? I want to clean behind it later. Yes,

yes, yes. All right.

I wonder how Mike's getting on with his run.

He'll never make it.

Have you noticed how lean and strong he looks?

Well, of course he looks lean and strong.

He takes after me, doesn't he?

you haven't nailed this thing down.

You're out of condition, Daddy.

Well, everybody stop telling me I'm out of condition.

Look at that.

One tomato and 14 tons of ice.

fridge. Come on, come on, right.

You ready? Ready. Right.

Oh,

blimey, look, I'm going to come round and tell you I've managed to book us

the angler's arms for next weekend.

Lovely.

That's right then, here we go.

Should be some good fishing this season, see?

Well, I hope you both tie yourselves to a tree.

I dread to think what'll happen if you get an aggressive tiddler on the end of

your line.

We'll wait till Mighty Mouse gets back from his run.

Isn't it amazing?

Two grown men, you can't even move one little fridge.

Oh, well, we're not as young as we used to be. Are you, Sid?

Sorry, Sid.

It would do you too good to go on that London to Brighton walk.

She's joking, Sid. Instead of just sitting there fishing like two splodges

the landscape.

Oh, that's charming, that is.

Splodges.

To be attractive, a man should have...

Brawn and strength and... Hang on, hang on.

Feel that.

Hang on, wait a minute. Hang on. There, go on then.

What am I supposed to be feeling?

A solid mass of muscle.

Where is it?

Well, it's there somewhere. Feel around a bit. Don't dig your fingers like that.

There it is. That's it.

Come here. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Go on, get on with it. Go

on. Right, Sue. Right, now tell her. Go on.

Flab, Sue.

Thank you, Trevor.

She hurt me there, you know that, when she dug her fingers in? Yeah.

I bet it's just the same in her, Sue.

What was going on about strength and virility?

Do you know the other day she had the cheek to challenge me to a strength

You know, the old hand bit there.

It's laughable, isn't it? Yeah.

She nearly broke me bloody arm.

You know something?

They're trying to give us an inferiority complex, that's what it is. I mean,

even if we have a lie -in on a Sunday morning, they're ready to book us in at

the knacker's yard.

Never mind, Sid. You and me next week, we'll be...

Like I was saying, Sid, you and me next weekend, you know. Joe.

Yes, Sid?

How far is it to Brighton?

You know what?

I think Dad's really serious about that London to Brighton thing.

And Trevor, too.

It'll be like the old -age pensioner's outing.

I made him feel inadequate.

Now he looks inadequate.

It's terrible sleeping with him. His legs are going all night.

He's worn a trench in the mattress.

Get up.

You're going to have to cool it, Dad. It's 60 miles from London to Brighton. I

know how far it is.

You could do yourself harm, Daddy.

I mean, there are parts of your body you don't use very often. They could be

rusty. There is no part of my body I haven't used often.

And it's not rusty.

Well,

suppose you slip over or something.

He won't feel a thing, so long as he falls on his bowels.

Oh, shut up.

might do the walk. One hero in the family's enough.

If there's going to be a hero in this family, it's going to be me.

But, Daddy, apart from you and Trevor, the oldest contestant is 23.

Age doesn't mean a thing. It's guts and determination that counts.

Give me the whiskey.

Well, I hope you're right.

Randy Sandy's boyfriend's entering, and I'd hate him to beat my father. Oh, he's

the least of my worries.

Don't underestimate him, Dad. To be Randy Sandy's boyfriend, you've got to

fit.

In any case, his ears stick out. Every time the wind changes, he'll go

backwards.

Open that, Jimmy.

I think I'll find the phone.

Oh, God, Lana.

Give me the phone.

I feel great.

I never felt better.

That is ridiculous.

Three days ago, you had a good, healthy cough.

Now you open your mouth and I...

Give me your phone.

Dial a number.

I'm doing all right, too.

I've just done 49 laps.

28 and a half.

Like I was saying, I've just done 49 laps, I'm off the booze, and I'm raring

go.

And me, Sid, I haven't had a drink since Monday.

Right, well, I'm going to have a go at the chest expanders now.

I've done them, Sid, I've done them. Very good, very good indeed.

Me right arm's two inches longer than me left now.

Yeah, well, I'll see you.

On the walk, Trev.

Right, see.

Right, here we come and all that.

Right, here we come. Ta -da. Ta -da, see.

Put it down.

Would you mind giving me the chest expanders, please?

Oh, Dad, you're getting to be a real drag, you know that?

Give me this, give me that. The walk hasn't even started and you're clapped

already. You look pale, Daddy.

Well, of course I look pale. We've only got eight pints of blood, haven't we?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, it's got everything to do with it, hasn't it?

I mean...

use extra energy, you need an extra blood supply, don't you?

Well, what's that got to do with you being pale?

Well, I'm using my arms, aren't I?

So? Well, I've borrowed a pint from me face.

Yes, but supposing you want to use... Look, why don't you have a talk with

biology teacher?

You can take those now.

Don't make the world of good, that is.

Oh, well, I think I'll have a little nap.

Here.

Who's going to carry you tomorrow, then?

Ha ha!

the people whose combined efforts made it possible for two wards in this

hospital to enjoy the pleasures of colour television.

Mr Mike Abbott... ..and

one of our very own star, Nurse Peterson.

And now, all that remains for me to do is to ask Nurse Peterson to switch it

And now for the rest of the news.

A London to Brighton walk sponsored by a television firm ended today with 15 of

the 17 contestants reaching their destination at the appointed time.

The remaining two contestants were rushed to hospital after being found

suffering from exhaustion near Dorking.

No, Mr. Mike Abbott said, for us youngsters, it was a piece of cake.

But my poor, broken -down old dad is past it.

Did you say that?

I'll kill him. I said I wouldn't, I'll kill him. Right here, on the National L.