Original subtitles

BTR 6 -9 -double -9, part one, take one.

would I guess.

Have a nice day?

No, terrible.

It took me an hour at the bus stop to get to the shop. It took me an hour to

back and when I got home I found I'd lost my sausages out of a hole in the

string bag.

So I went back to the shop, bought some boiled ham and then I left it on the

counter.

Don't you want to know what's in the box?

I'd rather watch what's on the box.

George and Tisa in here worth 700 quid.

Don't tell me.

You went out in your lunch hour and decided to buy me a little surprise

Yes.

Steve! Here we are. Pack it at Chris'. Thank you.

So this isn't mine? No, this is Mr. Marshall's.

So why hasn't Mr. Marshall got it? Because he's away on holiday, isn't he?

Doesn't get back till the day after tomorrow, and they delivered it to the

office today.

Well, why didn't you send it back?

Well, I thought it'd be much safer if I brought it home and looked after it

here. Why?

Don't keep saying why.

thing to do.

Why? There's been a lot of burglaries lately.

Nearly every house without a dog round here has been broken into.

We'll have to teach the budgie to bark.

Don't be silly. You'll give him a hernia.

Look at that.

Georgian masterpiece.

250 years old.

Isn't that gorgeous? What do you think of that?

Very nice.

Well, you can say very nice.

Well, I can't get excited about it, can I? It's not mine.

I'm trying to feel ecstatic about some soggy old crisps.

Anyway, it's a big responsibility.

I know it is. But I've never been the sort of bloke who refuses responsibility

or shirks it or is afraid of it. Here, you hang on to that.

I shall go and have my dinner.

Sid. Yes?

Am I supposed to sit and watch television all night with this on my

no, no, of course not.

Is that all you can say to your father who's been out all day slogging his head

off?

Can I have my allowance?

Can I have my dinner?

It's in the oven.

What do you want me to do, climb in the oven and have it?

I've turned it off. Well, turn it on again.

You can take your book and the chair with you.

Oh, look.

I must be the only bloke in England who comes home to get malnutrition.

Your daughter tells me that my cold dinner is in the cold oven.

Oh. Sorry, dear. I'll warm it up for you. Right.

Georgian tea set.

Solid silver.

Yes, Daddy.

I'm home. Hi, Dad.

Is that all you can say to your father? He hasn't seen you for 24 solid hours.

No. Can I have my lunch?

What's this?

It's a drawing.

I know it's a drawing.

She's stark as again, isn't she?

Way out, isn't it? Yeah, both of them.

Look at that, mate.

Georgian tea set, that.

Solid silver.

Solid silver.

Don't you appreciate beautiful things?

Don't you appreciate beautiful things?

Yeah. I mean this, you twit, not that.

Somebody's sweated over this. What do you think I'm doing over this?

He prefers nude women to this beautiful antique silver teapot.

I don't. Good for you. You're a good girl.

I prefer nude men.

Is that all you can think of, you two? Nudity and sex?

They're not the same thing, Daddy.

Nudity is one thing. Sex is another.

I know that.

They do go quite nicely together, though, don't they?

You don't need to sound like him.

Dad, teapots just don't turn me on.

That's what life's all about, Daddy. Being turned on.

You sound like a couple of blasted taps.

Come and have your dinner. Right. Come ourselves. Get on the club.

Oi, oi, oi. Yes, Daddy?

Eighteenth century, that.

Lovely. Great.

Peasants.

Look at that.

Isn't that beautiful? Aye. Oh, blimey, it's fantastic.

Two hundred and fifty years old. Yes, dear.

My dinner looks older.

Stop complaining, Sid. I'm glad Betty and I are going to pictures tonight.

I don't understand it. I bring home a little masterpiece here, a bit of

history, and not one single member of my family shows one bit of interest.

I'm interested.

You are?

I think it's beautiful.

Oh, good.

Where should we put it? Well, obviously, we want to put it in a place of honour,

somewhere where we can all appreciate it.

Right.

I'll put it in the cupboard under the stairs.

I'd rather put you rot in the cupboard under the... Just a minute. Hang on. Put

it down.

Culture. Turn on the jelly.

Aha,

that's lovely.

Oh, I do love a bit of Tichikowsky.

I think I'll have a glass of wine.

The cut glass, please.

Yep.

Hang on. Hang on.

Very nice. Thank you very much.

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right. Why shouldn't I be all right?

You're acting very strangely.

Just because my parents gave me an ordinary name doesn't mean I'm an

fellow, you know. Hello, Chief.

Just thought I'd pop round for a quick slurp.

Common twit.

I like the tea set, Sid.

You do?

Yeah. Oh, great.

I'm glad somebody appreciates good things. Well, I've got some smashing

in that catalogue, ain't I?

That is a solid silver antique, you pinhead.

I'm looking after it for me boss.

Oh. Thank you very much, Nancy. No, thank you.

I'm on the V now.

Salute. Knickers.

Hi,

Trent. Hi, mate.

Yes, well, we're off now, Dad.

Will you be all right while we're out, Daddy?

Of course I'll be all right. Why shouldn't I?

Well, the tea set is valuable.

You never know what can happen.

I'm going now, dear. Will you be all right while we're out?

Will everybody stop asking me if I'll be all right?

I'll put the bolt on the back door for you, Daddy.

I've checked all the upstairs windows.

Now, darling, remember, don't answer the phone and don't open the door to

anyone. And if anybody offers you any sweeties, Daddy... I'm loving you a belt

round the ear hole in a minute.

Look, Dad, what's the matter with you lot?

Do you think somebody's going to come sneaking in that window there with a

of lead pipe and belt me over the head with it?

Ridiculous. Well, not necessarily that window, Dad.

But there's lots of other windows in the house.

Mike, stop frightening your father.

I'm not frightened. Why should I be frightened? Well, then you ought to be.

You've forgotten one thing, haven't you? You've got to catch me napping first,

haven't you? Quite right, Sid. I went through the wall, mate, didn't I? Right

the thick of it. Of course you were, Sid. Certainly. How else would I get a

backside full of shrapnel?

Running away, Sid.

Oh, blimey.

Well, if Sid's in this sort of mood, I think I'll come with you.

Hey, Sid, if that fellow does come round and clobber you one, our dog will bark,

so you will know about it.

Marvellous, that.

Lovely.

Perhaps we should get a dog.

Stupid things. All I do is whine and whittle.

to calm the dog down.

Oh, aye.

Yeah, we bought him from Scotland Yard, you know. He's dead savage like a tiger,

he is.

They couldn't handle him, you know.

Oh, aye.

Get out! Go on, get out!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Get out!

He's shoving his paw marks all over the bloody ceiling again.

He's a big dog, you know.

Oh, aye. Oh, God. Who are you?

I'm the window cleaner and I've come for my money.

What, at this time of night?

I clean the windows during the day and collect the money at night.

That sounds a little strange to me.

Have you, like, collected money during the day and cleaned the windows at

Just a minute.

What are your means of identification?

Here, Miss Shammy.

Very funny. How much?

To you, 40p.

Hang on.

10, 20, 30, 40.

Keep the change.

Oh, by the way. Yes?

Have

you

ever heard of budgie and chips?

Trying to protect the silver.

I think I'll get my handbag and go.

Not me.

No, it was Trevor's dog.

What's he barking for?

It could be because he's a dog, Daddy. Oh, blimey, never mind that.

He must have a reason.

Perhaps he heard you barking and fancies you.

Let's get on to Trevor.

You're a good girl, and I'm sorry I put that thing up here, Ed.

It's all right.

It's a good job the casual looks in.

It's ringing.

Thank you.

Oh, and Daddy, if you're a good boy, I'll bring you back a bone.

Hello? Dad? Yeah?

Why is your dog barking?

Oh, well, he's got a very good reason, you see, Sid. I let him out, and then

when he came back, I shut the door before he was all in.

He had half a dog eat, Sid.

Well, I don't like it. Tell him to shut up. I wouldn't worry about it, Sid,

because he's got a variety of barks, you see. He's got the I'm happy bark and

the I'm angry bark. I want to go for a walk, he's bark.

I feel like a bit of the other bark.

And if it's a burglar, he sort of merges them all together and gives a sort

of... Thank you, Tarzan.

You better come with me.

Oh, my God.

It's the burglar bark.

Thank you.

covered in oil marks.

Well, it wasn't exactly fun for me.

I come home from the pictures full of romance and desire, I put one foot in

bedroom door and my husband attacks me with a rolling pin.

Well, you don't know what it was like in here last night.

You could at least have checked to make sure who it was before you started

attacking. Well, it's all this creeping about, isn't it? I mean, you crept in,

Mike crept in, Sally crept in. Why couldn't you sing or something?

That's what I always do when I come in.

We were so...

Bloody tray on my stomach.

Water jug digging into me back.

God only knows what damage these have done.

Sid, I don't want to lecture you, but when a man starts going to bed with a

Georgian tea set, wearing a tin hat and holding a rolling pin, there's

something...

from now on. Yes.

Will you try and forget this thing is in the house?

Yes. And can we live our normal, organised, lovely lives today?

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm going down to make the breakfast.

You're going to come and eat it, and you're not going to worry. Right?

Yes.

Oh!

God!

There he was.

On his knees, making out he was like a bag of...

conscientious man with a keen sense of responsibility and those are qualities

be admired, not laughed at. Sorry, Mummy.

Anyway, I've had a talk to him and he's going to be sensible about it. From now

on, he's going to treat it like any everyday ornament.

There you are. What did I tell you? Did you put it away, dear?

Yes.

And if I happen to be looking after a solid silver antique set here for my

you will eventually reap the benefit.

Your father is quite right.

Thank you. He's making a fool of himself for us.

I've drawn up a tea set sitting in rota.

I won't bother you with the details.

It's purely voluntary, and you don't get your pocket money if you don't do it.

Right,

now, as your mother and I are going out this evening, you are on duty tonight,

and you will be on duty tomorrow night.

And the day after that, Mr. Marshall gets back. And where's me breakfast?

No use.

I should never have left him with it. I'm not happy.

Nobody will get in the house with Mike there.

Except his friends.

That's why I'm not happy.

Mike's friends aren't thieves.

They're a funny lot, though, aren't they? They're always snooping about

for spare parts for their models.

Ears and things.

I'll bet that teapot spout will come in very handy.

Oh, what a lovely evening out with my husband.

I've had a four -course meal in three minutes flat.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go home and get your petrol funnel?

You can put it in my ear and they can serve coffee while I'm finishing my

trifle.

I'm sorry. I don't want you to rush it. Just take your time and enjoy it.

I've got to stay and watch that thing, haven't I? I promise, Dad, and I do need

my allowance.

Tell you what, why don't you bring it with you?

Don't be silly, it's too much trouble.

Guess who's here?

Nancy. That Nancy with her knockers.

The same.

Right, it's no trouble. I'll be there in two minutes.

No more, Sid.

Did you bolt the garage?

All you can think about are thieves. Thieves and robbers.

What about the greenhouse? Did you look at that?

Stealing, stealing, stealing. That's all I've heard all night.

Blimey, I forgot to check the front gate.

We haven't got a front gate.

It was stolen.

You think I'm being stupid, don't you?

Yeah, thank you very much.

We'll get somebody else's opinion.

Waiter, come here.

Signor. If you had in your house a 700 -pound antique silver tea set...

What would you do?

What would I do? Yes.

I go straight to the kitchen and I grab this chef by the collar and I put a mini

-strownie all over his head.

Then I go to the boss and I grab him by the throat and I wrap a spaghetti around

his bloody neck.

And then I go out.

Well, if you do, you'll have to go out, won't you?

I don't believe this. It's not possible for me. For me, I can't believe this. It

never matters. Scusi, signore. Have you lost something?

Si, signore.

The ashtray. You know, always they take the ashtray.

See? What did I tell you? Nothing is safe. Nothing.

You are right. Yes. You are right. You know that?

Nothing is safe. Yes.

Everybody, everywhere is tighty tighty.

Steely, steely.

Robbers! Robbers and thieves!

Thieves and robbers! Oh, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Oh, pardon me.

all right. Sorry, you know. That's all right.

Could I have the bill, Al?

The bill. Thank you. Yes, please.

All right.

Oh,

yes.

They steal my pen.

They steal...

Where's the tea set?

It's gone.

It's gone. I knew I shouldn't have left him here with it.

Perhaps he's taken it to bed.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Who would take a tea set to bed with him?

Director inquires. Can I help you?

Steve! Is he there?

No. Can I help you?

Oh, yes, please. I want to report to TTAC.

What about our son? They might have taken him.

Yes, I want to report my son as well. He's 250 years old.

He's got dark hair and a mole on his left shoulder blade. Solid silver. He's

a mole on his left back.

Town,

please. London.

Name and address.

Abbott. Abbott. Sydney, Abbott. Two, Howard Road.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him!

If he's been kidnapped, you may not get the chance.

Never mind about him. I'm only worried about the T -shirts.

Hello? Yes?

The number you want is 015421829.

Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.

There we are. It's all fixed. They're sorting it out. You can't beat the

police. What did they say?

They're just giving me this number to ring. It must be the crime squad.

That's funny. It's engaged.

Of course it's engaged. That's our number. You're ringing us.

Bloody British police.

See that?

It's marvellous, isn't it? You ring them up, ask them for help, they fob you off

with your own number, you ring yourself to get your mouth and there's some

bloody fool on the line.

Oh, don't be silly. You must have run director inquiries. I'll try it.

No, no, don't touch it.

There'll be another burglar checking to see if we're in.

I'll do this.

Jean, put another anchor chain on that dog. Go on.

Dad, are you doing impressions again?

Where is my tea set?

Listen, that's what I phoned about.

I'm with Sally at Dave's party. We've got the tea set with us. It's quite

Lock all the doors. Lock all the doors. Search everybody and don't let anybody

out. Do you understand?

I'll be right there. Oh, come on. Cool it, Dad. Shut up. Do what I tell you.

Come on.

It's full of faggots.

The main thing is it's safe. The world isn't full of thieves and burglars.

Fred.

Yes, don't bother me now.

oh my god

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