Original subtitles

VTR 6998, part one, take one.

Dad, for a week to fix that.

Oh,

it's all funny. I've had a shocking day today.

Oh, don't sit there, dear.

I clean there.

I said I've had a shocking day today.

Don't sit there, Daddy.

Why not?

I'm cleaning here. Oh, good. Blimey, all right. I'll sit over there.

Oh, not on that one, Sid. It's been polished.

Where would you like me to sit? On a piano?

No, dear, that's been dusted.

Why don't you have your dinner?

Hang on. Let me guess.

See if I can see who's coming around tonight. Now, it can't be the Queen

She was here on Tuesday.

It can't be Philip. He plays polo on Thursdays.

It must be your mother.

And if it is, I shall have my notion of it.

It isn't one of my relations. It's one of yours.

Which one?

Your cousin Tony.

I've got a cousin, Tony.

That's what I thought. He said, tell Sid it's his cousin Tony from Chicago.

Oh, please.

My God, it can't be. Can't be what?

It must be... It must be... It must be who?

Uncle Fred's son.

You haven't got an Uncle Fred either.

Have I? No, I haven't anymore. No, I haven't. Where's my dinner?

You're standing in it.

I've just had a marvellous idea.

We'll all go out and have a meal.

No, we've eaten.

Yeah, well, you can have another one, and then we'll all go out and see a

You mean after he gets here?

No, before he gets here. I mean, well, you know, he might not turn up. And on

the other hand, he... Oh, God, blimey, I've got a shoe full of gravy.

Who is Uncle Fred?

Well, he's just an uncle, that's all. You know, I mean, he went out to Chicago

after the First World War, and he got...

He got shot in a sort of shooting accident with a machine gun.

In Chicago?

Yes. You mean he was a gangster?

No, no, no.

No, he was just a sort of... Mobster? Yeah. No, no, he was... Well, we don't

really know what he was, actually. All we know is that we got a newspaper

clipping from Chicago showing his funeral.

And a picture of Al Capone laying a wreath.

Perhaps Charlie's company is a gangster, too.

Oh, of course he isn't a gangster.

Oh, of course he isn't.

Well, there's no gangsters nowadays.

No, Mum. They're all in the Mafia.

The Mafia?

Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, that's a real family concern, isn't it? I mean,

your father's in it, you're in it.

Ew.

What's that?

That's my dinner, and you're in it.

Sid? Yes? He wouldn't be in the Mafia, would he? No, no, don't bet he doesn't.

We don't know what he's talking about. Come on, I read the papers, don't I? I

mean, like... Right now, they're cracking down on the Mafia. It all ties

Right now, the Mafia are all leaving America and laying low.

So, like, right now, they've really got problems.

He said on the phone he'd got problems.

He said what? He said, I've got problems.

Maybe Sid can help me.

Oh, no.

Sid, you were right.

We'll all come out with you and we'll have another dinner.

What time is it?

About twelve.

Do you think it's safe to go home yet?

I think it's safer than stopping here.

Maybe we could find an all -night cafe.

Oh, will you stop worrying?

How could I stop worrying, especially after seeing that picture?

Well, what a picture to choose. The Godfather.

I'm just telling you, Mummy, Daddy's cousin can't be in the Mafia.

How do you know?

unless you're Italian.

Quite right.

And we're not Italian.

Well, thank goodness for that.

Not that there's anything wrong with being Italian. They're nice people.

Very nice. They're all sunny, aren't they? And nice, black, shiny hair. Can I

have the bill, please?

Put the chain on, Fred.

Don't be silly. It's one o 'clock. He won't come now.

Perhaps you're right.

Or maybe it's silly, but better safe than sorry.

Will you stop?

Worrying about it. Just forget it. We'll have a nice cup of cocoa and we'll all

go to bed. Come on.

Andy!

Cousin Sidney?

Yes, that's right.

How did you get in? The back door was open. I thought you left it open for me,

knowing that I'd be calling.

Oh, yes. Yes, we all had to rush out of business.

I know how it is.

Happens to me all the time. Is this the family? Yes, it is. My wife, Jane.

Glad to meet you.

And, uh, Mike and Sally.

Hey.

You know what the kid looks like?

Who? My brother, Luigi.

You got a brother? Three brothers.

Luigi, Benito, and Mario.

Oh, my God.

Are they Italian?

My mother was Italian.

His mother was Italian.

Anything wrong with that? Oh, no. Oh, no. We love Italy.

We went there for holidays, didn't we?

1955? Yeah, we had a marvellous time.

Only we got food poisoning.

Yeah, but not in Italy, no.

On the way over, we got food poisoning. Somewhere else.

We love Italian food. We eat it all the time. She makes it, don't you? That's

good. I like it too.

Yeah, we'll have some now. She'll make you some.

Are you hungry?

Well... Yes, of course. Go and open a tin of spaghetti.

No, that's okay. We'll have some tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Yeah, I was hoping to stay with you a few days. You see...

I've got problems.

Yeah, well, we've got problems, too. There's no room.

Well, don't worry about it. I'll sleep here on the sofa. Oh, you can have my

room. No, no, no, no. You can have mine. You go to bed and you go make the

cocoa. Why don't you sit down?

Thanks.

You quite sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in a hotel?

Sure, if I could find one.

That's the problem.

Oh.

Oh, that's the problem.

That's the... Oh, well, blimey, that's a problem. We'll find you a room

somewhere. If that's the only problem, you can have Mike's room. Mike can sleep

on the sofa.

I'll go and change the sheets.

You see, I thought you might have other problems. I do have other problems. I

have a great many problems. Jane, hang on!

But I won't bother you with them.

Sorry, Dad. I dropped the train.

Sorry, Sidney.

I've got bad nerves. My nerves are very bad indeed.

Yeah, mine too.

Excuse me.

What were you reaching for inside your jacket?

Tranquilizer tablets.

Oh, tranquilizer tablets?

That's right.

Do you think you could spare me one?

Don't keep doing that, please.

I guess I left them in my hotel room. Oh, yes.

Maybe I won't bother with the cocoa. I'll just get on up to bed. Would you

to show me the way? Yes, just follow me.

Here we are, this way.

I thought you said you didn't have a hotel room.

My hotel room in New York.

How? Yes, well, up the stairs. Here we are.

So, you came from New York then?

Yes. How?

I thought you came from Chicago.

No, Sidney, I worked in New York. My father worked in Chicago.

How? I guess you heard about him, eh? Yes, we did sort of hear about him, yes.

Thanks, mate.

Excuse me, I'll see you. You're not in the same line of business as he was, are

you? Yes, Sidney, I am in the same line he was.

Right now, I wish to God I wasn't.

Well, I'll get on to bed. Yes, good night.

Sidney!

I wonder what he's got in that case.

What's that?

My jewellery.

I suppose you've come all the way from the United States to nick your cameo

brooch and your charm bracelet.

All right, then. Why is he here?

I don't know. Perhaps he's on the run. I can't think of anything else.

What the hell is that?

Our insurance policies.

And four books of Greenshield stamp.

But he's not having it.

Sid? Yeah?

Will you put this under your pillow?

No.

Go to sleep.

and it's him. He shot himself.

It wasn't loud enough for that.

He used a silencer.

Now go to sleep.

What's that?

What?

How can I sleep with him in the house?

Put your head on the crown jewels and close your eyes.

What?

If he is on the run, can we get into trouble for having him here?

Well, of course not. He came into the country legally, didn't he? Otherwise

they'd have picked him up at the airport.

Supposing he didn't come in at the airport?

Suppose he was landed at night off a fishing boat?

Oh, God.

Don't be ridiculous. People don't get landed at night on fishing boats. Not in

real life.

Yes, they do. What about all those illegal immigrants?

Well, they're different.

I don't see why.

If they found him here, what would they do to us?

Probably charge us for harbouring him or something.

Leeds, you've got to tell him to go.

I will, first thing in the morning.

No, you've got to tell him now.

I don't want you to go to prison.

Will you stop making such a noise? He's my cousin. I can't turn him out at half

past two in the morning.

Now go to sleep.

Looks like a bit of a quiet night, Harry.

Deborah 7, over.

Proceed to 2 Howard Road. A man seen forcing an entry to a downstairs window.

Suspect is now on privacy.

Please investigate.

Deborah 6 is also attending.

Over. All those years, you had an uncle who was a gangster and you never said a

word about it.

Will you go to sleep?

When I think of the way you kept on about my Uncle Charlie and that

Here we go. Now, you know why I didn't tell you?

I told you about Uncle Charlie and the usherette. You didn't have to. Blimey,

was all over the Sunday papers.

Old age pensioner claims he was looking for pension book.

Well, he was.

It's a bloody funny place to look for it.

Well, at least he wasn't a gangster.

There's somebody outside.

It's those cats again.

They've come for him.

Who, the cats?

pills before he had the chance.

What are we going to do now?

About 18 months if they find him in.

Why don't we hide him? Don't be ridiculous. Where can we hide him? In

cupboard. It's full of blankets.

She's dead right. Get the blankets out. Go on.

Come on. Give me a hand.

Quick. Grab all of it.

What's the matter? Let me sleep. It's the police, I'm telling you. You knew

you were getting into.

Get on with it.

Go home to your mother. See if I care.

Come on. Now, let me alone, will you?

If you don't like it, you shouldn't have married me.

24 years I've done.

24 years. What are you doing to me? All right, I'll open myself another room.

No, no, I've got a lovely room for you here. Twin beds, in you go.

Get rid of that quick.

Oh, Sid, did you hear what he said? He's done 24 years in prison. Yes, well, he

should be at home in there, shouldn't he?

Now, you all go to your rooms, pretend you're asleep, and you've never seen him

before in your life. No. If anybody speaks to you or asks you anything, just

stupid. What do you mean, act stupid?

In your case, be yourself.

Good heavens, the police.

Yes, sir.

Are you the householder?

Yes. May we come in?

Don't let me stop you.

We've had a report there may be somebody in the house.

Oh, no, there is nobody here but me.

Are you positive, sir? Oh, definitely, definitely positive, yes.

What's he wanted for? He was seen entering.

Oh, you mean illegal entry.

Yeah, that's what I said, sir.

He came in by fishing boat, did he?

Fishing boat?

Well, I've just... I've just woken up, you know, I'm not quite with it, yeah.

So I can tell you that you're looking for somebody who has caused an illegal

entry. Yeah, that's what I said, sir. Yes.

Now, do you mind if we have a look round? Oh, you won't find him here. Take

clown floor, Eric. Right, Sarge.

You say you're all alone in the house? Yes.

I mean, I'm the only one up. The others are all sleeping.

Well, perhaps we'd better wake them up.

What for?

So they can identify you.

Identify me?

You don't think I'm him, do you?

Well, it wouldn't be the first time a suspect opened the front door and

to be the householder.

Oh, by the way, I'm wearing pyjamas, mate.

You can soon pull those on. That's been done before, too, you know.

Everything's been done before, hasn't it?

The way you're acting, I wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't.

Upstairs. You asleep, madam?

Yes.

I would like you to identify this gentleman.

I've never seen him before in my life.

Would you mind looking at him?

It's me.

Oh, it's you.

Yes, tell him who I am.

Who are you?

I'm your flaming husband.

Don't prompt her.

No, he is my husband.

You don't seem any too sure about it. Well, I wasn't sure because I wasn't

who he was.

I didn't recognise him.

Why, has he been away from home or something?

No. No.

Oh, well, perhaps you haven't been married very long.

Yes, that's it. Yes, that's it.

Yeah, she hasn't got used to me yet.

Oh, you're on your honeymoon.

Yes, that's right.

Oh,

well, I'm sorry I disturbed you, madam.

Outside, yes.

Go to sleep, my little sweetheart.

I'll be one be long.

Well, that sorted that out, didn't it? Not quite.

Who sleeps in that room?

My son.

Well, these things happen. You know how it is.

And how old is he?

Twenty.

Well, it's sort of second honeymoon, you know.

Oh, I see, sir. Yes, of course.

You come away on your second honeymoon. That's it, yes.

And where have you come from?

Nowhere. We're having it here.

Having what here?

Whatever you have on your honeymoon.

I think we all have a word with your son, don't you?

All right, wakey, wakey.

Wake up, lad.

Wake up.

Can you identify this man?

Yeah. I think it's my dad.

You're not positive it's your dad?

Well, I wasn't there when it happened, was I?

Don't pay too much attention to him. He doesn't, you know... No, I'm tired.

I'm very tired. I want to go to sleep.

Would you like a cigarette, young man?

I don't smoke.

He did, but he's given it up.

Yes, it was killing me.

How long since you gave it up?

About half an hour.

All right.

Let's stop playing about, shall we?

Who smoked those?

Well, I didn't want to say anything in front of my dad, you see, because, like,

well, I had a chick up here.

I see.

Yeah, that's quite true. He had a chick up here. He's always having chicks up

here, and I didn't want his mother to know about it, and that's why we all

a little guilty.

I see. Has this young lady left?

Yeah, about ten minutes ago.

I see.

And you haven't seen or heard anybody suspicious in the house, I suppose?

No. No. All right, son. Good night. Outside.

Yeah, well, you see what happens now when you try to cover up something. Oh,

yes, I realise that.

You get to know when people are lying. Well, I promise you from now on I will

tell the truth, the old truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me.

What was that?

Nothing.

There's something bumping about in that cupboard. Yeah, it's the old water

pipes.

Got him!

What is this strange man doing in my house?

Up here, Harry!

Let me sleep, will you?

He looks as though he's dope to some extent.

Take him, will you, Harry?

OK, sir.

I knew he was in the house somewhere.

Well, there's not much I can say, is there, really? No, sir, there isn't.

Except next time when you catch a burglar, try and be a bit more

Burglar? What did you think he was?

Well, I don't know. I mean, I've never seen him in my life before. He must have

broken in when we weren't looking.

They usually do, sir.

Good night.

Put the cuffs on him, Harry.

You got it?

We heard.

But, Daddy, supposing he tells me? No, no, he won't say anything, I promise

because we did try to hide him, didn't we? Yeah, and the Mafia never squeals.

Not on each other, but we're not members.

Oh, yeah, but we're related, aren't we? I mean, blood is thicker than water.

In any case, even if he does, who are they going to believe, us or the Mafia?

The Mafia.

You've never seen him in your life before.

Morning, Sergeant.

Everything all right, then?

Mr Abbott, I understand the man we arrested here last night is your cousin

New York.

No.

According to him, he came to England for a trip with his wife.

His wife?

Booked into a hotel, quarrelled with his wife, walked out, was unable to find

other accommodation, came round here where you agreed to put him up.

No. He went to bed, took some sleeping tablets, and when he woke up, he was in

custody. No.

We have every reason to believe he's telling the truth.

Which, Mr Abbott, is more than I can say for you.

Huh. Sid, you'd better tell him the truth.

Yes, because otherwise I shall stay here until you do. All right, all right,

Blimey. We did put him up and we agreed to put him up. I didn't know who he was.

Your cousin, Mr Abbott, is a captain in a New York police force.

He's done 24 years in the force. His wife is always nagging him to leave it.

That's why they quarrelled last night. Oh, that's ridiculous.

I mean, his father was... His father was a sergeant in the Chicago police force.

He's not in the mafia either.

Will you stop going on about the mafia?

Killed on a special undercover job. He told us all about it. We checked the

whole story.

What do you want me to do, then? Where is he?

Down at the station.

With two superintendents and a chief inspector apologising to him.

So what do you want me to do? I think you ought to come along and join them,

don't you?

Well, I'd like to very much... Right away, Mr. Abbott.

If you don't mind.

You mean I've got to go down there and apologise and explain the whole thing to

him? Yes, Mr. Abbott. Oh, you make me look a right bloody twit, won't you? Oh,

yes. Well, can't you put me inside for six months and forget the old bloomin'

thing? I don't...

Thank you.

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