Original subtitles

Check.

VTR number 6997, part one, take one.

What's so funny? Oh, it's ridiculous.

Where no one can see us, she said.

What's ridiculous about that?

Well, there must be 14 cameramen and 28 stagehands for a start.

Daddy, don't spoil it.

Lunch!

I've waited so long for a girl like you to come along.

Don't you put in stuff like that on this time of the day? I mean, it's

disgraceful. Daddy!

He's going to run out of breath in a minute.

Lunch!

Dad, if watching a little bit of life embarrasses you, why don't you go away

make a paper airplane?

I am not embarrassed.

Of course you are, Daddy. You haven't been able to sit still from the minute

took her gloves off.

Have a jelly, babe.

They're naked.

Oh, come to you.

I said lunch is ready.

Lunch is ready.

Let's go.

Daddy, one thing about being a loving wife and mother, it makes you feel so

important. You only have to call and the whole family come charging in like a

herd of tranquilized tortoises.

I'm sorry, Mummy.

There was a super love scene on the telly. Yeah, that... kiss was sure way

If only they didn't pass out.

You're not very romantic, are you, Daddy?

If I was not very romantic, your mother wouldn't look like she does.

Your mother wouldn't look as happy and as contented as she does.

I mean, we love each other. And loving each other is much more than kissing.

It's liking each other and having respect for each other.

Why haven't I got any chips?

I'll have some more beans.

Now then.

Respect for each other, Dad.

Why did you do that?

Because I am bored.

Your mother is bored.

I'm fed up. I'm fed up. Totally fed up. Totally fed up. You don't know what it's

like to be a woman.

Why don't you try something different?

Like what?

We've had chop and chips five days now. Why don't you try sausages and chips?

Isn't that just like a man?

He marries a woman, clocks her in some domestic dungeon, gives her a mop and

bucket, then off he goes into the world like a marauding chimp.

I don't know what you're on about.

We've got a lovely little home here. Money in the bank.

New budgie.

Our own little family.

Two young human beings.

One young human being?

What more could you possibly want?

I don't know what I want.

I understand, Mummy. It must be very dull being a housewife, tied to one

and one man.

I can dig it, Mum. Must be a drag being a woman.

It is only a drag being a woman when you have babies that grow up to be like

you. Well, thank goodness my children grew up to be as they are. At least they

understand.

There's nothing in my life...

There was no sea gas.

Out. I haven't finished my lunch. Finish it in the garage. Go on.

Daddy, I want to hear what Mummy has to say. Out.

I'm going to be a woman one day.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Thank you.

Now, look at that.

That little bird there, in his cage, bars all around him, standing on his

perch.

Got a ladder there leading down into a bowl of freezing cold water.

Does he mind? Of course he doesn't. He sits there tweeting away, happily.

There you are. Hear that? Tweet, tweet, tweet.

Why can't you do that?

Because I'm not a budgie.

However, if you can't see any difference, perhaps you could ask Tim to

the carpets.

Don't I give you everything?

Yes. I mean, do you think I like going out every day, office to office?

Trudging around.

Asking people to buy things from you. Look at that.

Look at that foot.

That's a salesman's foot, that is.

It's been jammed in so many doorways it's beginning to look like a bloody old

marrow.

Can't I say anything to make you happy?

No.

You all sit there stuffing yourselves. I wish I had the time to sit and eat.

Do you know something?

What?

You're beautiful.

And you know something else?

What? Betty looks twice as old as you do.

Does he? Yes.

Oh, Sid, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. Just apologise and we'll forget it.

All right, sit down, have something to eat. Come on. No, dear, I'm on a diet.

You know something?

It's a man's world.

Women do what we want them to do. That is, providing we want them to do what

they want to do. You know what I'm talking about? Because I don't.

Excuse me, lady.

I'm working up the road on electric cables.

Do you think I could have some hot water, please, for a cup of tea?

Yeah, will you come in, please?

Thanks.

Do you do things on the side?

Eh?

No.

You know, I mean things on the side.

Well, you came in here for water, lady. There's a little job I'd like you to do

in the bedroom.

Yeah, well, like I said... Well, I'll pay, of course. Look, let's forget about

the water.

I'm worried about my husband. Yeah, and I'm worried about you too, lady.

He's very good to me. He gives me everything I want, only I want more, you

All women, we're never satisfied. So I bought this thing for making tea.

I see.

I bought it for him, really, only I'm pregnant, you see. You need tea in the

morning when you're pregnant.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, it cost £30, this thing, so I thought, I know, I'll buy it first, plug

it in, then when he's drinking it, I'll tell him how much it costs.

So, um... Could you put a little plug in the bedroom for me? Oh, a plug?

Yeah. Well, I'll have a look, and I might be able to do it in my own shower.

good. Thanks very much. Well, come this way. It's just up here.

That's right.

Of

course,

you're a new boy around, aren't you, too? I mean, today's an exception, you

know. See, normally this house is very quiet and dull.

What?

It's Betty.

What about her? She's having an affair.

She's having a what?

An affair.

Well,

I don't think it's very funny.

I think it's hilarious.

Who's she having an affair with? A man.

He must be desperate.

No, he's big and brown and he's got hairs on his chest.

How do you know he's got hairs on his chest?

I saw him when I was hanging out the washing.

What do they have in this affair on the windowsill?

He was standing by the bedroom window like an enormous Greek statue with his

noble head and his enormous biceps and the sunlight caressing his massive

shoulders. Oh, it was all very exciting.

No wonder she looks twice as old as me.

I got hairs on my chest, you know.

These are all dark and curly.

Yeah, well, mine are grey and frizzy, but they're hairy, aren't they?

Why wouldn't she have told me?

You're imagining the whole thing. Who would want to have an affair with Betty?

You could have a better relationship with our fridge.

All right, then, if you don't believe me, go and see for yourself.

You want me to go spy on our neighbours?

Don't bother, then.

Hang on, I'll get my binoculars.

Yes, that shouldn't be too difficult.

You've got something in your eye.

Let's have a look, see if that can see.

You call that a fridge?

This cord is broken, did you know?

I'll fix that too as well.

in defrosted.

I kept telling Trevor she was a mistake right from the beginning, but he

wouldn't listen.

You say you're delivering it this afternoon?

Oh, I see.

Yes, no, that's all right. I was going to tell me my friend, but never mind.

I'll stay in and wait for it. Yes, thank you very much. Bye -bye.

I don't know what all this fuss is about.

Somebody's having an affair, doesn't it? You get all hung up about it.

I'll hang you up in a minute by the neck.

Betty is committing adultery.

Will you stop saying that word?

What would you call it then, Daddy?

The way things are going on in this house, I'll have to put an exit to pick

on the gate.

Dad, life is that big.

If you can cram that much life into it, you're really living.

You're a long time dead, man.

If you don't stop poking your permissive little snout into it, you'll be dead a

lot longer than the rest of us.

Mike's right, Daddy. Some people need more than one person, because all of us

are lots of persons, and one person can't always fulfil all our persons.

Sort that one out.

What Sally means is, if a person is an unimaginative drag, they can live with

another person quite happily, as long as that person is also an unimaginative

drag.

Your mother and I have been living together quite happily for some time.

that make us unimaginative drags? No. But then you're different, aren't you,

Dad? Thank you.

You're past it.

I'm not past it. Your father thinks I'm beautiful.

Well, so do we, Mum.

But you're not everybody's cup of cocoa.

I'm the butcher's cup of cocoa.

What does that mean?

Every time I go in there, he tells me I'm the most attractive customer he's

From now on, we're vegetarians.

And when I ring my order into the greengrocer, he flirts with me.

From now on, I'll phone the greengrocer.

What good will that do you? It won't do me any good, but it won't do him any

good either, will it?

Dad, how do you know Betty's having an affair?

I saw a naked man in her bedroom.

What does that prove?

He wasn't waiting for a bus, was he?

Of course she can do what she likes. Nobody's arguing about that. But your

mother, your poor mother, was in our garden, hanging up our washing, minding

own business, and she got a very nasty shock.

I rather enjoyed it. And what's worse?

And what's worse, she enjoyed it.

Why don't you just drop the whole thing? Drop it? What are you talking about,

drop it? Trevor's my friend.

I've got a decision to make.

And Becky's my friend. I've got a decision to make.

I dig it.

Dear Marjorie Proops, we don't wish to pry, But we have this friend, and we've

seen a naked man in her bedroom.

Should I tell my friend's husband, or should I have a word with a naked man?

That's an idea, Daddy. You tell Trevor, I'll have a word with a naked man.

Stanley! Help!

Both of you!

These kids today, God blimey, no respect, no values.

Straight out of their cots into a double bed.

They have all the bloody fun.

Tell who?

Whoever we should tell.

Well, there's not much point in telling Betty. She already knows.

Trevor, then?

I am not telling Trevor. He's my best friend, my best mate.

Well, couldn't you be delicate and subtle about it?

By the way, Trevor, I don't like to mention it, but your wife is having it

with a hairy Greek statue.

Well, you'd want him to tell you if I was having an affair, wouldn't you?

No.

and bring it to our house and ruin our marriage. Oh, God, blimey. Well, if you

put it that way, yes, I would like him to tell me.

Oh, I see you're spying on me now.

I'm not spying on anybody.

I don't understand you.

Trevor's your best friend and you won't do anything to save his marriage.

Look, you'll go in shopping with Betty this afternoon. Why don't you have a

little chat with her?

What, and lose my best friend?

It may not be quite like you think.

I mean, it might be something nice, something beautiful.

Oh, that's a lovely thing to say, Sid.

Yes, well, it happens to all of us. You know, when opportunity knocks, some of

us open the door, some of us bolt the door.

And if you look like Betty, you don't bother with the door, you wait out in

bloody garden for her.

Yoo -hoo!

There she is now, Sid. Now, be nice to her. She must be feeling very confused

and very guilty.

I'm very worn out.

In here, dear.

Hello. Sit down.

Thanks, I will, as a matter of fact. I do feel a bit tired.

Won't be a minute, dear. I just put my coat on. Oh, no, no, no, you needn't

bother. I can't be going shopping this afternoon.

Why? Well, I've got to stay in this afternoon. There's something I've got to

Could we help you do it? Oh, no, it's very kind of you, but I think I'd manage

to do this by myself, so to speak.

Well, when you've finished doing whatever it is you've got to do,

then? I don't think I should be in a fit enough state to tell you to do it.

is one thing, though. Yes? I'd like you to know. Yes?

Seeing that you're our friends, we'd like you to be the first to know. Well,

on.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, that's marvellous, Betty.

Isn't that wonderful, Sid?

Yes.

You're going to have a baby?

Well, I'm not going to have a set of jugs, am I?

Does Trevor know?

Well, of course he knows. I couldn't very well keep that from him. Six months

from now, I shall look like an egg -timer.

No, it's the other thing he doesn't know about.

Betty, if there's anything worrying you, you can tell us.

No, it's not worrying me.

Well, it is a bit, I suppose, but the excitement of having it makes it all

worthwhile.

Anyway, I shall tell him tonight.

You are going to tell Trevor? Yes.

Wouldn't it be better for you to stop having it? Jane.

I mean, stop doing it.

No, I couldn't do that.

No, I've got to face him.

No, I shall wait till he comes home.

And I'll close my eyes and I shall say, I've done it, I shall say. And I enjoyed

every minute of it, I shall say.

See you back here, I'll say.

I don't think you should tell him, you know.

It's all right, Sid. You needn't bother. I shall wait until after the hare and

hounds. You can have your night out.

I'll get you all a drink here.

It's smashing, isn't it, Sid?

It's going to be a daddy lot.

Yes, great, Jeff. I never thought I'd make it, you know.

All this moody about Betty and me not wanting kids, it just wasn't happening.

No. I thought I was one of nature's blunders.

Cheers, Steve.

Cheers, Steph.

Hi. I wonder what colour his little old hair's going to be.

Black like mine or red like Betty's?

Well, I wouldn't be too definite about it, Jeff, because... You know, like...

Lots of people with red and black -haired parents very often have grey

babies.

No, John said it. If he's got grey hair, he'll have to be yours.

God forbid.

Trav.

Trav, you know, lots of babies are born bald, you know.

Not my son, Sid.

He shall have muscles on his arms.

And the air all over his chest. No, no, don't, don't say that, Trev.

Oh, sorry, sir. I mean, we've got to have our emotions, haven't we?

Trev, there's a couple of things you ought to know, Trev.

When they're preggy like that, they can be very funny women, you know. Yeah, I

know, I know. Only today she said to me, don't you come home in the lunch hour,

she said, because you'll go to bed in the lunch hour.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not like us. It's usually very energetic.

Yeah, very.

You know, when they're preggy like that, they say all kinds of funny things, you

know, and they don't mean them oftentimes.

You have to ignore a lot, you think. Yeah, you're right. The next time she

me not to come home for lunch, I shall ignore it and I'll creep in and surprise

her. No, no, don't.

Don't do that, because you'll get the surprise. Right.

She might not have any lunch ready, you see, and then she'd get all upset.

And you mustn't upset them, you see, because when they're pricky, you have to

treat them with patience and understanding and forgiveness.

You know, I said, this is the happiest night of my life.

Climb up on my knees, sonny boy.

Must have told him by now. Blimey, he's been home three hours.

Quiet, isn't it?

You don't think he's done anything silly?

I mean, he wouldn't have strangled her or something.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. You'd have to be an all -in wrestler to strangle

Come away from there. Come on, come here.

Perhaps they've done each other in.

Oh, say.

No, say, her and Alan's out there next week. He wouldn't do that.

Have a drink, Trev. I will, Sid. Cheers.

She's told him. Yes, I know. I heard him.

I said I would, so I did. Yes, have a big one, Trev. Very generous, Sid.

No, it's all right. I remembered everything you said about patience and

understanding. Oh, good, good. It was ever so kind of yours to talk to my

the way he did. He forgave me right away. Said he didn't mind one bit.

He didn't mind?

Oh, she enjoyed it, didn't she?

She's pregnant.

and it costs 30 quid.

Don't go away, Trevor. Stay right there.

Give Racquel Welch a drink.

Hello. Oh, excuse me.

Sorry to trouble you like that, but do you know where that lady is next door?

Yeah, she's in here at the moment.

Oh. Only I've done her a couple of favours, see.

Oh, yeah.

And she still owes me the money.

Money?

You want money as well?

Well, I did it in the firm's time, so it won't come to much.

Would you mind stepping outside a minute, Matthew?

Teas made.

I was terrified. I had to arrange for this chap to come and fix his plug in

lunch hour. And I had to stop Trevor coming home in his lunch hour.

Oh, say!

It's all right, mate. I've sorted him out. I've fixed him.

What are you talking about? Oh, Sid.

He's blooming cheeky. He wanted money for Betty's services.

And what happened?

He gave me a bloody good item and I paid him.

Thanks, Sid. It's all right.

You owe me 50p.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0