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VTR 6996, part one, take one.

What kind of soap is this?

It's not soap. It's the new pan scrubber.

Why are you shaving in the kitchen? We do have a bathroom, you know. I know

we've got a bathroom. Have you tried getting into it?

All it needs is a little patience. All I need is a little shave.

Don't dry your face on my tea towel.

Where do you want me to dry it? Under the grill?

Morning, Mummy.

Morning, dear.

Move over, Daddy.

Do you mind? I'm just trying to have a shave.

Why? want to get washed.

We have got a bathroom, you know. I know we've got a bathroom.

Can you try getting into it?

Fill a bucket. I'll go out in a grass virgin.

If you use that pants scrubber on your face much more, you'll look like an old

saucepan. Oh, Mummy, what a lovely expression.

My father's got a face like an old saucepan.

Just a minute.

I think you're lovely, Daddy.

Your face is full of love and understanding.

And character and experience.

saucepan. Excuse me, I'll take my old saucepan upstairs and shave it there.

You can't. Mike's in the bathroom.

Mike's in the bathroom? What's he doing there?

Having a bath, I suppose.

The annual oil slick.

I'll get the plunger out.

Mike had a bath yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Is

going a bit strange?

And he's wearing a shirt and tie.

In the bath? He is going strange.

Hi, Mum.

Sally, where's the hairdryer?

In there.

Good morning.

What's he want your hair dryer for?

Yes.

See if you can get through.

Mike, why do you want Sally's hair dryer?

I'm blowing the creases out of my tie.

You better plug in the electric iron. He might want to do his hair.

Oh, I think it's going to happen.

What's going to happen? It.

They've been messing about for 97 pages and I think it's going to happen.

I must go up to my room and read this bit.

I think it's absolutely disgusting the books these kids get out of the school

library. It can't be all that disgusting.

Not if it's taken 97 pages for it to happen.

Mike, come and have your breakfast.

In a minute, Mum.

Doesn't he look nice this morning?

Lovely. What I want to know is why.

Why does he look nice? What do you mean?

You normally walk about this house like something the tides washed out.

Suddenly, you look normal.

Oh, stop it, Sid. You should be encouraging him.

To do what?

To look nice, of course.

All right.

I'll encourage him.

I'm very glad you look nice. I'm dead chuffed you look nice.

Makes a nice change you look nice.

What have you done?

Mum, come and eat your breakfast.

Oh, I'm not hungry, Mum.

You always eat your breakfast. And mine, and your mother's. I'm just not hungry.

Look, I've got a split.

Where are you going?

Out. Just a minute.

When your mother asks me where I'm going, at least I have the good manners

say I'm going here or I'm going there. Sorry, Dad. Right, we'll start again.

Where are you going?

I'm going here. I'm going there.

I haven't got time, Dad. I've got to be out in an hour. Just a minute.

Your mother has cooked you a breakfast.

And even if you don't want it, at least have the common decency to sit down and

play with it.

Nowhere. Nowhere? Well, that's all right. Then you won't be in any hurry to

there, will you?

What I mean is that I'm going nowhere in particular.

Where did you get the money to buy that shirt and tie?

Well, it's your birthday next week, isn't it?

What's that got to do with it? Well, you know the money you gave me to buy you a

present? Yeah. This is it.

Why haven't I got it, then?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

A few more conversations like this and I can go to the nut house.

Mike's 20 years old. He shouldn't have to account for every little thing he

does. Yeah, Mum's right.

I don't ask you where you're going all the time. Well, good blimey, I only go

two places, don't I?

I go to work to keep you in my shirts and ties.

And I go to the hair and arms occasionally.

Occasionally? Well... So a guy's got a secret.

Families don't have secrets. Why are you dressed like that? Look, Dad, I'm

wearing a tie like you wanted me to.

And I'm wearing a shirt like you wanted me to. And I'm wearing a suit like you

wanted me to.

And I played with my breakfast like you wanted me to.

He's ruined a good sausage.

I know why he's changed his image.

It's a girl.

Well, that's what you want, isn't it?

Get married, you keep saying. Leave us in peace.

He's got to do some research.

I know. What's he discovered this time?

I distinctly remember you saying a boy must shop around.

Here a bit, there a bit. Everywhere a bit, bit. I know.

That's not what I'm talking about. Will you stand still a minute?

Will you stop following me around?

She may be a perfectly decent girl.

Supposing she's indecent. I mean, if she was decent and he made her indecent,

that's all right.

But if she was already indecent, it's not decent.

Is it?

Supposedly it gets her into trouble.

Well, that's his problem, isn't it? It is not his problem. He can't even keep

himself. I'll finish up keeping all three of them. Oh.

Why haven't I met her?

I've met all the others.

Must be something wrong with her.

What do you mean?

Probably as bald as a tomato.

About 12 foot wide, or both.

Can you imagine our... son falling for a girl as bald as a tomato and 12 foot

wide? Well, he's a funny fella, isn't he?

Look at that.

I mean, he calls that a poem of beauty.

For all we know, that could be her.

We don't even know it is a girl.

Well, I hope it's not a fella.

Oh, of course it's a girl. I know it's a girl.

I mean, bum, did you smell his aftershave?

And this poor little twitty has only been here a week and nearly suffocated.

Ed. What?

There's a letter in his pocket.

Letter?

Letters are private.

Of course they are.

What shall we do?

Wait till he comes down to you and give me his shirt back.

May not necessarily be a letter.

No. Could be anything.

Certainly. I mean, not everything's a letter.

secret love.

It is a letter.

It's an illicit letter.

What do you mean?

Well, Blimey, my own secret love. What could that mean?

He's got a place in somebody else's secret heart.

He's getting his oats in somebody else's stable.

Steve, you don't think she's married?

Well, Blimey, why else has he been so underhanded? I mean, it's getting

ridiculous. He doesn't tell us where he's going. She doesn't phone. He

bring her round here.

I bet they meet in a bloody tomb with stockings over their heads.

I wouldn't blame them, the way you criticise these friends. Oh, blimey, I

criticise these friends. I just complain about their behaviour, their manners

and their general appearance, that's all.

We must be patient and understanding.

Letters are secret and we must keep the secrecy.

I'll put this back over here and then we'll forget that we've ever seen

about it. Mum, I won't be home for lunch.

There's a letter for you. Where?

In your shirt pocket.

In my shirt pocket?

Have you been reading my letter?

We have not been reading your letter. We are not interested in your letter. And

if you care to examine this thing, you'll find that it's intact and in the

process of going back to where it was from whence it came.

And what's more, if you want to keep your secret lover a secret, then we will

keep the fact that we know your secret a secret.

I've been reading my letter.

Only the little bit that peeped out the top.

Oh, Mum.

Well, I suppose I'd better come out with it. I've flipped.

Well, that's a short life, isn't it? There's nothing like a good flip.

Well, nobody's ever grabbed me like she did.

Yeah, well, like I said, it's a short life.

There's nothing like a good grab.

And if she grabs you, we'll grab her, won't we, dear? Yes, that's if she grabs

us. Then we'll all be grab -happy, won't we?

So you dig the whole thing, then?

Dig it? Of course we dig it.

Yes, one or two little questions, that's all. I mean...

How's the third finger on her left hand?

Well, she's not married, if that's what you mean, Dad. No, no, no. It didn't

enter my mind. I was just asking how her finger was, that's all.

She's different, you see. She's not like the rest.

We don't care what she's like, as long as she hasn't got two heads.

Dad. She hasn't, has she?

Dad, of course she hasn't.

Oh, well, if you dig her, we'll dig her. Oh, you're too much.

Mike, why don't you bring a round of tea?

Today? Why not?

Oh, you're beautiful.

He kissed me.

He's in a funny mood.

Hope he doesn't meet the postman on the way out.

I placed the book, and it did happen.

Where did you get that book?

I borrowed it from Keith Bennett. But he torn page 98 out.

Then how do you know it happened?

Well, it must have done. By the time I reached page 153, she was pregnant.

Anyway, when I see him tonight, we'll read it together.

You're not seeing him tonight?

Oh, Daddy, why not?

Because you've got something about him I don't like.

What? Page 98 for the start.

And in any case, there's enough going on in this house as it is.

Mike's got a secret lover.

Oh, yes, I know about that.

You know?

Well, he hasn't told me, so it must be serious, because he usually tells me

everything. I always see them together in the canteen at the art school.

I know it.

I know it. It's that bloody art school.

She's one of those full frontals, isn't she?

No, she's an art teacher.

Oh. So what's she like?

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Sit down.

That's not her, is it?

I don't think so.

Blimey, you said you saw them together at the art school.

Yes, that's right.

So what's she like?

Average height? Yes.

Fairish? Yeah, go on.

Well, everything's in the right place, is it?

Oh, yes.

She's very attractive.

about Sid, I really don't. I am worried because she's 50, mate. 50.

So you keep saying. She has seduced my son.

What are you going on about? I mean, 50 is a very wonderful age.

I mean, they've got everything, haven't they?

And not only have they got it, they know what to do with it.

The boy, the lad.

Or he was.

Well, there you go then. Advantage number one. She's made a man of you.

I mean, you've read the book, haven't you? In praise of older women.

I don't have to read it. We've got a full -length bloody feature film that's

going on in our house.

Mike's no fool, Steve. I know he's no fool.

Her old age pension will come in very handy.

I'll bet you he spends his wedding night giving her the kiss of life.

Can you just give him a few more weeks, mate? He'll be too tired to get married.

She's coming to tea this afternoon.

She ain't running Meals on Wheels, is she?

Larvin, it's all right for you.

I've got to sit there and watch that poor old crow breaking her teeth on the

jelly.

Why don't you leave him alone? You know, he might learn a few things.

Please, someone give me a hand, will you?

Well, I'd better go and oil the wheelchair.

Thanks for depressing me.

Oh, Mike, I'm so glad you've told me. I'm so glad you've confided in me.

no idea how glad I am that you've told me.

Well, Sal, she's different.

She's got something extra.

A cup of coffee, please, Rosie.

Yes, I see what you mean.

She's so sort of large.

Do you get the picture?

I get the picture.

Mike, darling!

Gosh, I've got to go.

See you, Mike.

You OK, Sal?

I'm going to have a sister -in -law older than my mother.

Oh, let me look at you.

You've still got it bad, haven't you, darling?

Well, I've told the family, Virginia.

Oh, good.

What did they say?

Well, Dad said it's all right as long as she hasn't got two heads.

Well, now I've got you settled, I shall have to find somebody else to cry on my

shoulder. Well, if we hadn't come to your art class, you would never have

Miss Alice, I've got to split.

Oh, thanks a lot, Virginia.

Darling, if I couldn't help.

Oh, good.

Alice?

Oh, hi, Michael. Guess what?

What? Mum and Dad want you to come home to tea.

You mean they know about it?

Mm -hmm.

What made you change your mind about telling them? Come on, up here.

Mike!

And another thing. What are my friends at the Hare and Hounds going to say when

they see you?

Your friends at the Hare and Hounds are usually too drunk to see anything.

And when I get married, who's going to give it away?

Fathers usually give their daughters away.

Oh, lovely.

You must be about 90.

I bet they'd turn up at the blooming wedding in a fleet of ambulances.

Aren't you jumping to a lot of conclusions, Sid? She's different, he

not like the others.

Doesn't matter if she's got two heads, you said.

If you dig her, we'll dig her. Well, I've changed my mind.

One cup of tea, half a bun, and she's out.

Oh, Sid, you could have changed your cardigan. You look awful.

I'm depressed.

Well, you don't have to depress everybody else.

Bye, Mum.

Hello, dear, where is she? She's coming over later.

Oh.

Terrific day, Dad.

We went on the river.

I rode up and she rode down.

She's gone for a bit of a lie down, has she?

Well, when I told her you'd asked around for tea, she won't have to change.

Do you feel the same way about her?

Yeah, sure. Why?

Oh, no, no, nothing.

You know, women are funny. They look quite different in the daylight.

Dad, I've seen her lots of times in the daylight.

Anyway, it's not what people look like that matters. It's what's inside.

She's got a B .A.

Well, don't worry. Your mother will find her a nice soft cushion to sit on.

Why don't you go and freshen up? Everything's ready.

Okay, Mum.

Are you going to tidy up or not?

She'll think you've come to empty the bins.

I might just do that.

I've brought this down. Put it on. No.

Well, at least comb your hair. No.

to her, you'll sleep on the camp bed tonight.

Is Mike in?

He's upstairs.

Oh, you must be his mother. Oh, how...

I was cold.

Really? Yes.

Would you like to sit down?

Virginia. Of course. How silly of me.

Virginia.

Virginia.

That's all we hear in this house. Virginia, Virginia, Virginia.

Excuse me.

Go to your room. Sit down, Ed.

closer lately.

It's nice being close, isn't it?

Well, what I really came round about was when I saw Mike earlier... Yes, Mike

said he was seeing you earlier.

He tells us everything, doesn't he, Sid?

Doesn't he, Sid?

Mike tells us everything.

Oh, yes, yes, he tells us everything. Everything Mike does.

little home you have here.

Thank you.

Done a bad G's cage, have you?

Yes.

Given him his Tweety drops?

Yes.

Given him plenty of fresh water?

And his life jacket.

The table looks most artistic.

I can see Mike gets his creative talents from you, Mrs Abbott.

He gets them from me.

My father's a very well -known painter.

And decorator.

I'd better get the jelly cake.

Would you like a help, he said?

Oh, let me help you. No, no, I'll take them, Annie. It's all right.

It's a very big jelly cake.

Oh, that's my friend. He's come to help me carry in that big, heavy jelly cake.

Well, sit down, darling. Go on. Sit down next to Virginia. Keep her company.

That's it.

Here, sit.

How's it going, then? Do you remember what you said about the young ones

the body and the old ones having the mind? Yeah. She's got both.

Oh!

Hello, Jean.

Hello, Trevor.

Hiya. Hiya. Come out and see Sid.

How lucky. He's standing right behind you.

Oh, hello, Steve. Hello, Tripp.

Why I come round, you see, was Betty's out, you see, and I've got to get me own

tea, and I'm not very good at getting me own tea, and I hope somebody might get

me tea for me.

Oh, of course somebody will get you tea for you.

In the cafe down the road.

You should be ashamed of yourself trying to get off with your son's girlfriend.

What are you talking about, getting off?

Pressing up against her like a 16 -year -old boy. Oh, rubbish.

And another thing, I come in that door and there's you and your oversexed mate

standing there like a couple of confector heaters.

And that chest of hers.

Chest? I didn't notice.

Well, it's a wonder. It came through the door two minutes before she... I don't

know what you're going on about. She doesn't mean a thing in my life.

Son, now you've got to stop her.

Oh, do let me do something.

I'll take that. Virginia, before Mike comes down, my husband has something to

say to you. Haven't you, dear?

Feel free, darling.

Anything.

That's what I always say to Mike.

Anything. Will you sit down a minute, please?

Yes, thank you. Right.

It's, uh... It's about Mike. I mean...

He's only a baby, really, isn't he?

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that.

That's what I always used to think about my sons.

Sons? Going away presents, darling.

How old are they?

One's 25, the other's 27.

The older one's married with two little boys.

Michael has sons older than himself, and his sons have got sons.

Well, I'm not coming to live here.

after they got a mortgage on the festival hall.

Virginia! Nice!

I've got to put a stop to this before he gives her another going -away present.

Excuse me. Dad, this is Virginia.

Yes, yes, we've met.

Darling, you left your wallet in the canteen this morning. Oh, that's what

does to you, isn't it?

Well, we can talk about our little secret quite openly now.

We're too late. He's already given her a going -away present.

Excuse me.

Sit down, Mark.

I am sitting down, darling. Get up.

Sit down.

On the end.

Now, I'm a very understanding man. I mean, I'm not without feeling and

perception and human weakness.

Human weakness? Yes, and I've always told my children that love is a

personal thing and that I, for one, would never interfere with it. What are

going on about, darling?

The age gap.

Age gap? My husband and I are simple people.

Looking forward to simple things like simple weddings and... And simple

christenings. Oh, come on, Dad. We haven't even got it together yet.

And got together.

Well, I think we should have the truth first and tea after. You're dead right.

And the truth of the matter is... I'll get it. I'll get it. You sit down.

You carry on with the truth, darling. You're doing a good job.

Hello? Hello.

I'm Alice. Oh, how do you do?

Oh, come in.

Oh, I wonder if you mind coming back a bit later, after we've had tea.

After tea?

Yes, because he's got this girl in there, you see, this woman, this old

friend of his.

Fiancé? Yes, it was all very delicate, you see.

She grabbed him and he flipped and he feels it right here.

And my wife's in there stopping him, getting it together.

You mean there's another girl with him now? Yes, that's right. So would you

back another time?

No.

again. What have you done, darling?

Who's Daddy?

My girlfriend, darling.

She's his girlfriend?

Oh, Sid.

Daddy? Daddy?

Daddy? I'll have a word with you later.

Let's get out of here quick.

so so