Original subtitles

Thames VTR 6995 part 1 take 1

Give us a kiss, baby.

Steve!

Ah, don't get rough, darling. Wake up!

Oh, fly.

I was having a marvellous dream.

I heard you.

Who was it? Raquel Welsh again?

No, it was you.

Oh, well, that makes a nice change.

There we were, just the two of us, on this island.

Lying there, we'd just been swimming, starkers, and we're lying on the beach

there and this lovely hot sun drying us off.

Then you turned towards me, and I turned towards you, and this is how I was

going to get out. I woke you up.

That's right, yes.

What a stupid dream.

What do you mean, stupid?

You know very well, if you lie in the sun, you come out in a rash.

You know why I had that dream, don't you?

Probably that cheese you ate last night. Nothing to do with the cheese. It's a

natural, normal, subconscious reaction.

I'm deprived.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, it's simple, isn't it? I mean, if I wasn't having enough to eat, I'd dream

of food.

If I wasn't having enough to drink... I'd dream of water, wouldn't I?

So it's pretty obvious what I'm not having enough of.

Any excuse?

Come back to bed for a bit.

I beg your pardon. Come on, come on.

It's Saturday morning.

Is it banned on Saturday morning?

There's a time and place for everything.

There's no better time than now. Come on.

Now, I've got too much to do, Sid.

Oh, come on.

I'll tell you what. We'll come to bed early tonight.

Tonight? No, we can't.

Why not?

I'll mismatch you the day.

Thank you very much.

I'm only joking. Come on, it's nice and cosy.

Now, I've got the dishes to wash from last night. I'll wash the dishes.

Kitchen floor needs cleaning.

I'll do the floor as well.

There's some shopping to do. I'll do the bloody shopping. Come on. All right,

just my half an hour.

That's marvellous, isn't it?

I thought you were getting dressed, Mummy.

I was, but I'm going back to bed.

What for?

What for?

What do you want? Am I interrupting anything?

Yes. No.

going to have a little talk. What?

Joey hasn't eaten his millet.

Is that all you've come in here to tell us about?

It's very serious, Daddy. He could waste away if he doesn't get it.

That makes two of us.

Pardon? Nothing, nothing, nothing.

We'll see to Joey when we come down. We won't be long.

Oh, well, I'll leave you two to get on with it.

Now with what?

Your talk.

Oh, yes.

Don't touch it, Jess. No, anyway. for a while. He's getting all poppy with

Mummy. Great. Where are you going?

I want to have a word with him.

Well, he won't like you barfing in on him. Exactly. He'll be so anxious to get

rid of me, he'll give me anything I want.

What are you talking about? We're married, aren't we?

Well, I should be washing the dishes. Oh, forget about the dishes.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. You are.

If you come in here to tell me to budge his office food, I'll wrap his cake

around your neck.

I just wanted to know if I could borrow the car. Yes, you can have the car. Here

are the keys.

And could you spare me some bread? Help yourself.

There's plenty in the kitchen.

No, I think he means money, Sid. Well, why don't you say so? What do you want?

Top liquid.

Help yourself. It's on the dressing table.

I don't suppose you could run to a fiver? Yes, I can. Go on, off you take

Where are you going?

Well, it's obvious we're not going to get any peace this morning. Might as

get up.

You get up. I'm going back to sleep.

With a bit of luck, I'll find my way back to that beach.

I don't think he's well.

He's molting.

Could be the molting season.

No, birds molt in the summer, not the winter.

How would he know what season it is? He never leaves the kitchen.

Hasn't touched his millet.

I wonder if he's just sick of eating the same old thing all the time. Could be.

Perhaps he needs a change of diet.

I don't know what else to give him.

Fry him a sausage.

You can't feed a budgie a sausage.

I don't know, he might think it's a giant worm.

I'll see if I can tempt him with a bit of bacon. I was just going to eat that.

Don't be so selfish.

Surely you don't begrudge a sick budgie a piece of bacon.

Come on, Joey.

Come on, eat the bacon.

Come on, boy.

Eat some bacon.

He won't eat the bacon.

Perhaps he's Jewish.

You're heartless.

Mum, it's only a budgie.

He's Sally's pet.

He's been with us so long, he's one of the family now.

Come on, Joey.

Poor Joey. Don't you care what your daddy says?

Will you stop telling that bird I'm its father?

How is he, Mummy?

He's definitely not well.

I haven't finished, do you mind?

weekend. I'll take him on Monday if he's no better.

Daddy, come on, get a move on.

Oi, oi, ayawatha.

The car key's in my fiver. You sound like a boy then. I changed my mind. Oh,

great.

That's not fair, Daddy. Just because you didn't get it.

I beg your pardon?

Your cuddle this morning with Mummy.

Oh. I knew you weren't just having a talk. You had that funny look on your

What funny look? Sort of soppy with a touch of lust.

You've seen that look before, have you? Yeah. Terry gets it when he tries it on.

Who's Terry?

Terry Chapman.

Sally's bookworm from college.

Oh, yes, I know him.

Bifocals and blackheads.

Daddy!

How often has this Terry Watson tried it on?

Every time he takes me out.

Every time? Yes.

And how often... Don't worry, Daddy.

Come on, Mike. Ciao.

Forgive him.

Just a minute, I haven't finished... Oi!

What about my fiver and the... He's gone with my fiver and the car keys.

Have you finished now? Yes, I have.

Unless you want me to feed old Wobbly Wigs some marmalade.

Don't be sarcastic, Sally. He'd be very upset if anything happened to that bird.

He's all right.

You're all right, aren't you, Sally? He

is mouthing, isn't he?

He carries on like he'll be bald by Monday.

The Yule Briller of the budgie world.

That's not funny.

Do you think he wants a change of scenery?

I know what he wants. He's lonely.

How can he be lonely? He's got us.

We're not budgies, are we?

I mean, let's face it. All the years we've had him, the only other birds he's

ever seen are those plaster ducks you had strung round a wall.

What he needs is another budgie, preferably female.

I should have thought that was obvious.

The only pleasure he ever gets is galloping up and down that ladder and

that bell.

Must be more to life than that, even for a budgie.

Do you think that's why he's off colour?

Definitely. He's deprived.

Ain't you?

You're deprived, ain't you?

You know what that means?

You'll not get it? Never mind. Forget it.

If you don't get you sorted out, mate, you'll have to start having dreams, like

me.

Well, there's only one way to get in bouncing with Elf. What? that. Chuck

his mullet and get him some grumpy.

There we are, Joey.

Night drink of water.

What's he doing in here?

I'm giving him a change of scenery.

It's like a holiday.

Holiday?

You like your holiday, don't you, Joey?

Where's your bucket and spade?

Well, at least I'm trying to cheer him up. So am I. Hang on. Look at this.

go away. Look.

A budgie comforter.

Isn't she lovely?

Where'd you get it from? I rented her.

Rented her? 50 pence an hour.

I got it from Mrs Baker down the road.

Isn't she a beauty?

Who, Mrs Baker?

No, no, no.

Flory.

Flory? Yeah, that's her name.

You're Flory, ain't you, Flory?

Yeah, that's it. She's named after Mrs Baker's sister.

I don't think this is a good idea. Oh, yes, they're both going to enjoy this.

Here, boys. Here, Joe.

Joe, it's Flory.

Say hello. Joe?

Joe, oh, look, you're getting excited. Look, you started to twitch.

I think we're going to get them together.

Come on, darling. I think you're making a big mistake, Sid.

That's it.

There we are.

In you go, darling.

Here I go.

It's a lady.

It's a ladybird.

Go on, Joe.

Get in there, boy.

Fill your boots.

I think he knows the difference.

Well, don't do something.

Well, he's not likely to do anything with you staring at him.

Of course he isn't. Sorry, Joe.

Hang on.

Off you go, sir.

Of course he's all right. Look, he's smiling.

Well done, Joe.

She's done for him.

He's bloody snuffed it.

Oh, come on, Joey. Open your eyes.

It's no use, Sid.

Perhaps it's just concussion.

His legs are cold.

I'll give him a rub.

Leave him alone. You've done enough damage.

Oh, that'll be the vet.

Don't tell him. Don't tell him what?

What he was trying to do when it happened.

I won't tell him anything.

I'll leave all the talking to you.

Mrs. Abbott? Yes? I'm Davis, the veterinary surgeon. Oh, yes. We've been

expecting you. Yes. Oh, come on, Joey. Give us a sign.

If you can hear me, open your beak.

This is Mr. Davis, the vet.

I'll be in the other room if you want me. Right, how do you do, sir? Ah, so

is Little Joey? Yeah, that's him.

You must be the father.

No, don't you, sir. What do you mean, father? Little Joey's father.

He's only a budgie.

Yes, they're all God's creatures, you know.

Yes, yes, they're all God's creatures. This little chap, you know, never knew

his own father.

Poor little fella.

Yes, as far as he's concerned, you're his father.

You mean he thinks I'm a big budgie? Yes, yes, very likely.

Yes, yes.

You know, all pets are like that. Yes? They tend to think of their owners as

their parents.

Oh, I see.

Now, how did this happen?

Uh, hang on just a minute.

He, uh, he fell off his perch.

I see, I see.

Has he ever done this before?

No, no.

Oh, yes, once at Christmas time. Just after he'd had his Christmas dinner.

Oh, yes, we always let him join us at Christmas.

What did you give him?

Oh, he had a chunk of turkey, same as us. Some stuffing, dollop of Christmas

pudding.

No wonder he fell off his perch.

No, he didn't fall off the perch after the nosh. He fell off the perch after

booze.

The booze?

We stuck a couple of drops of wine in his water.

You stuck wine in his water? Yes.

Oh, Mr Abbott, I'm afraid you're not the sort of person to have a pet.

Oh, no, no, he loves it.

We only did it a couple of times, mind you. Yeah, how did it affect him?

Well, how do you think it affected him?

He was stoned out of his little feathered mind.

Oh, I'll never forget it.

He battered down the door of his cage, flew out of the window, went straight

next door's cat.

You haven't put any more wine in his water, have you? No, no, he's off it

As a matter of fact, I think he overdid it.

It was nearly a fortnight before he could get up that ladder again.

Mr Abbott.

Will you leave little Joey and I together, please? Yes, of course.

I'll be in the next room.

Any news?

No, not yet.

It was all your fault, you and that feathered female.

Well, I'm only trying to help Joey.

You had to bring sex into it. You think it's the answer to everything.

Well, it's supposed to be good for you.

Well, it wasn't much good to Joey. It killed him.

Well, it died happy.

You've got to make a joke about it. I'm not joking, I promise you. When I've got

to go, I hope I go the same way, don't you?

Sorry, how do we know he's dead? He might have only fainted.

Excuse me.

Have you any brandy? How much do you want?

Half a glass.

Here you are.

Thank you.

I thought that was for Joey.

I always get very emotional at times like this, you know.

Oh, what a shame.

Yes, when I do see how a dumb friend's sick, you know, it tears me up.

I hate to see animals suffering.

Are you sure you're in the right business?

No, I'm all right.

I can stand the anguish as long as I get the brandy.

Yes.

Yes, I'm afraid Joey's gone into the great aviary in the sky.

Was it the shock?

Shock? Well, go on. Tell him. I'll tell him. I'm not afraid. It's all right.

We mated him this morning.

For the first time in his life? Yeah, with Flory.

Not old Mrs.

Baker's budgerigar? That's right, yes.

Surely that wouldn't have killed him, that shock?

It could indeed.

Well, what's the matter with Flory?

Flory's a male.

A male?

Yes.

A fellow with a name like Flory? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Mrs. Baker always calls

pets Flory.

After a sister.

Now see what you've done. Well, I was out there now. Yes, well, I'm afraid

your little Joey died of natural causes.

Natural causes?

Yes. How long have you had him?

Oh, let's see. He came to us on my father's wedding anniversary.

He'd had a touch of gout. The budgie? No, no, no, my father.

I'm trying to ascertain his age, Mr. Abbott. Oh!

Auntie? No, I think... means the bird's age, Sid.

Joy was eight.

Ah, ah, well, you see, one year in Budgie's life is equal to ten in the

beings. So, your little Joy was 80.

Oh, he died of old age. I'm afraid so, yes. Yes, I told you, didn't I? Yes,

now, don't you go and blame yourself, Mrs. Abbott.

Yes, well, I must be off. I'm busy.

Well, thank you for coming. It's very nice of you.

That will be six guineas, please.

I told you we'd get a ticket.

Worry not. Leave it to me.

What are you going to do? Leave insanity?

Leave it to me.

It's your car.

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

You parked on a yellow line.

Yes, but I was distracted by the old lady lying on the pavement.

Old lady?

Yes. Well, we were driving along, my sister and I, when this old lady

on the pavement.

Well, we had to stop, didn't we? And you don't think about double yellow lines

at a time like that. What was the matter with this poor old lady?

She hadn't eaten for three days.

Oh, isn't that awful?

So we took her into the coffee bar and we gave her a meal and we gave her

money to pay her electricity bill and then we came straight back here.

And they say the younger generation have no feelings. We only did what any

decent human being would have done.

I think what you did was marvellous.

It's been a privilege to meet you. Thank you.

Here's your ticket.

It usually works.

Maybe I ought to go back to the pregnant mother's routine.

Come on, Mike, let's get back home. I'm worried about Joey.

OK.

Wait, where's my parcel?

Well, I haven't got it.

Oh, I must have left it in the coffee shop.

I'll be in a minute.

Excuse me, miss, are you going?

In a minute.

Do you think you can move your car forward a bit so I can get my van out?

a piece of cake.

I'm not hungry.

I'll have it then.

I don't know how you can eat like that with Joey just lying there.

What do you want me to do? Starve to death and join him?

Poor old Joey.

You mustn't get upset.

He was one of the family.

Now, you heard what the vet said. You mustn't blame yourself.

I don't blame myself.

Good. I blame you.

Now, darling, It wasn't my fault he got old.

Well, it didn't help trying to mate him at 80.

That had nothing to do with it.

You've eaten my cake.

Well, you needn't think I'm going to tell Sally, because I'm not.

Oh, blimey.

How am I going to tell Sally about that pudgy?

How am I going to tell Daddy about his car?

You could write him an anonymous letter.

And then emigrate. Oh, be serious, Mike.

I'll tell you what you could do. You could tell him we were driving along and

this old lady jumped off the curb.

We'd swerve to avoid her and hit a lamppost.

You've got a hang -up about old ladies.

Oh, well, you'd think it's only to tell him then.

I'll tell him the truth.

I'll tell her the truth.

And break the habit of a lifetime.

Very funny.

Hello, Daddy.

Hello, Charlotte.

I've got something to tell you. I think I'd better leave.

I've got something to tell you, too.

I think I'll join you.

Well, sit down. Thank you.

Well, what will you do? No, no, off to you. You first.

You won't shout at me, will you?

Shout at you?

I'm your father.

Why should I shout at my only daughter?

You usually do.

Now, darling, whatever you've got to tell me, tell me. It won't upset me.

It's about your car.

What about my car?

Well, this old lady stepped out in the road and...

And I might as well tell you the truth.

Yes.

I backed your car into the front of a van, bent his bumper, smashed his

and broke your rear light.

Is that all?

You mean you're not mad at me? Of course I'm not mad at you. What's a rear

light? It's nothing.

It's just a rear light. It can't last forever.

I mean, nothing can last forever, can it?

I mean, everything has to pass on sooner or later.

Thank you, Daddy.

Yes, all right. I'm just trying to tell you that you mustn't let life's setbacks

upset you.

As I was saying, everything, everything has to pass on sooner or later.

So what was it you were going to tell me? Well, that's what I'm trying to say.

I mean, everything has to go. You know, people, cars, animals.

We've all got to go.

Understand?

We're moving house.

No, no, no.

Have you told her yet?

I'm doing my best.

Well, dear, it's Joey.

I'm afraid he's gone.

Gone? Yes. Somebody stupidly left a cage at the door and he

suddenly saw a flight of budgies migrate into Australia.

And the call of his homeland was so strong that he couldn't resist and he

off into the sun.

Nature called and off he went.

He's dead, isn't he? Yes, dear.

Old age.

Poor Joey.

happy life.

Oh, the best.

The best.

He never went short of millet.

Where is he?

Mike's taken him out to bury him under the willow tree.

He's with his old friends, Harry the hamster, Rosie the rabbit.

I'd like to see him. For the last time. Of course, dear.

Good afternoon.

I've come about the damage to my van.

Oh, yes, come right in. My daughter told me about it. I'll cost you a new bumper

and a new headlamp.

Dad, Dad.

Oh, excuse me.

Dad. waiting for you.

Aren't you coming to the funeral?

Yes, yes, I'll be there in a minute. OK.

Funeral? Yes, it's Joey.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've come at a bad time. No, not at all. Come in. Come right in, sir.

Was he... Was he a friend of the family?

Oh, more a member of the family, really.

Oh, look, I'll tell you what. I'll come back another time. That's all right.

It's all right.

The funeral will only take a minute or two.

Is that all?

Yes.

We're burying him in the back garden.

In the garden?

Yeah.

Under the woolly tree with the others.

What others?

Harry and Rosie.

We've got a lovely little cemetery. Would you like to see it with flowers

over the place? No, thank you. I've just remembered.

I've got another appointment.

Oh.

Don't worry about the bumper. I'll pay for that.

And the headlamp.

Going back to bed. Come on.

Oh, Sid, we had enough of that yesterday morning.

We had nothing yesterday morning. Come on.

No, we promised to go to the kennels and get Sally a dog. We've got the whole

day to go to the kennels and buy Sally a puppy. Now, come on. Nobody will

disturb us.

Come on. All right. You talked me into it.

Here you go.

Good morning.

You can't have the car. I'm skint. So up it. I only came to tell you there's no

need to bother to go to the kennels to get Sally a dog because we got one.

Oh. Oh, no.