Original subtitles

Right.

VTR terms 5401, part one, take one.

Here we are.

Mine first.

Capricorn. Somebody very close to you could prove difficult.

In that case, you'd better read your father's.

Taurus. The day may start with a few minor irritations.

Oh, don't.

Morning, Dad.

How's your foot?

Shocking.

It's the last time I go to an art exhibition with him.

Just because... Because a little statue fell on you. It didn't fall. It was

pushed. It was pushed by that maniac friend of his.

Half a ton of granite.

Good thing I jumped back.

Well, if you jumped back, how did you hurt your foot?

Kicking Sam's statue.

I didn't kick it. I tripped over it. Hey, Daddy, it says, a good day for

and getting about.

Yeah, what in? A wheelchair?

Oh, come on, Dad. It was an accident. Sam didn't mean it. Didn't mean it. He

tried to murder me.

Half a ton of granite.

Well, he gets very uptight when people criticise his work.

Did you criticise it? No, I posed a mere comment.

Yeah, you said it was lousy. Exactly.

Well, he was just protecting it.

Protecting it? He's a maniac. He ought to be incarcerated.

Isn't that what they do to tomcats?

No, no, no, it's a completely different thing. They removed it. No.

Finish your breakfast.

But they do, Daddy. We had it in English.

The cat was incarcerated in a cat's home.

It means locked up. Does it?

Just carry on with my horoscope.

Your business affairs will take a turn for the better.

Well, it couldn't get any worse.

A close friend may ask you for a favour.

Trevor's going to borrow the lawnmower.

Strong psychic influences are at work.

I wonder what that means.

It means I know for certain he's going to borrow my lawnmower.

How do you know that?

Because the grass is two foot high and I can hear him thumping around the

backyard. See?

Here, I wonder if I could... Borrow my lawnmower.

Because we have strong psychic influences at work.

Hello? Oh, Mike, Sam.

How's your old man's foot?

Well, it's all right now, but he's very uptight with you, man. So that means

your place is out, yeah?

You've got no chance!

Well, I've got to find somewhere to sleep, man.

Well, find yourself another pad.

I've got no bread, man. I spent all my allowance on granite.

Hey, listen.

You could crash down at the college over the weekend. There's not going to be

anybody there.

Oh, yeah, that's an idea.

Yeah, right.

Listen, you could dust there for years. Nobody would know. I'll sneak you out

some blankets.

Great. Thanks.

I had two clean blankets in the linen cupboard and I can't find them anywhere.

Have you finished?

Not by my foot.

all bandaged up, you see.

Let me see.

Oh, blimey. First it's horoscopes, now it's tea leaves.

That looks like a cloverleaf in two parts.

That means something's broken.

Like a broken engagement.

Or a broken promise.

How about a broken toe?

Oh, put it down. It's not broken, it's only bruised. Well, the agony is

unbelievable. It's amazing understanding.

Oh, I'm sorry to be a nuisance.

Trevor's broken me lawnmower. Well, it was going beautifully.

Then Trevor bent down to clean the blades and something seems to have

probably caught his tongue in it.

It's uncanny. It was all in his tea leaves. Oh, I don't bother reading tea

leaves anymore.

We've got a sort of Ouija board.

A Ouija board?

Does it work?

Oh, it's incredible.

Only Trevor doesn't like me doing it.

Well, bring it round here. We'll try it here when they've gone to the hair and

hounds tonight.

Oh, great, Mummy. We can have a proper seance.

Nothing wrong with a beer, is this it?

Not the beer, it's my foot.

Yeah, well, kicking the lawnmower didn't help, did it?

The only way I could start it, especially after you've been mowing your

with it.

I see.

You forgot the limp.

I didn't get any sympathy anyway, come on.

I bet he's got that Ouija out again.

What?

I won't let her do it in our house.

Come on, Blanny.

There's no harm in it.

No harm in it?

It's bloody dangerous, mate.

Dangerous? Yeah. There was this geezer at work, and his missus had a Ouija

board. Ouija board?

It's a sort of way of communicating with the spirits.

And it brought something in the house.

What sort of something?

A poltergeist or something.

What happened?

Well, they got it in the house and they couldn't get rid of it, could they?

In the end, they had to sell it.

What, the poltergeist? No, the house.

I'm not having any more of this, mate. I could have strapped it out.

Get to the house! All right, that's it. Get your hands off. Come on.

You are messing about with the unknown. You're tampering with things beyond your

control. Take no notice of him. Go on, Sally.

Will Daddy buy a new car when he gets his rise?

No. No. Well, of course not I'm getting a rise. I'm lucky if I don't get the

sack. Will Daddy get the sack?

Yes.

What has he done?

Well, it could be wrong. Not wrong very often. Well, that's our... Get your

angle. Come on.

A bottle of gin, half a bottle of brandy. I couldn't wait, Sid.

Something seemed to knock him out the hands.

You couldn't drop the beer, could you?

Get out of here, you spirits.

Oh, he's out of control.

What happened? It's just what happened at this bloke's house.

Which bloke's house? The bloke who's got the odd goblins.

The what?

The poltergeist. Yes, well, whatever it is.

You've done a good night's work, you have. I've got the sack, he's smashed me

booze, and now we've got a house full of odd goblins.

Oh, never mind.

Come on, get your medium out of here. Goodbye.

Thanks for the... Goodbye.

Sally, go to bed. Come on. You too. Bed, please.

And remember, no more powers of darkness in this house.

I'm not worried.

What have I got to worry about? I'm the best salesman in that company.

Then stop worrying.

I brought that company up from nothing.

Yes, dear. Now go to sleep.

Yes.

Do you realise how many paperclips I've sold since I've been there?

No, dear.

Three million. Three solid million paperclips.

Well done.

Then how dare they sack me?

They're not sacking, you see.

You're dead right they're not. I'm going to turn the job in first.

I'm going to phone Humphreys now and tell him what he can do with his job.

Don't be silly. If you ring him in the middle of the night, he will sack you.

That's him.

Jay Burlington Humphreys.

Jay?

As soon as I mentioned his name, he started to ring.

Suppose he's phoning me.

Well, in that case, he'll pay for the call, won't he?

Hello?

Oh, hang on a minute.

It's for Mike.

Thank God.

Mike! Mike, phone!

And now, for goodness sake, go to sleep.

And stop worrying about the Ouija board.

It's all rubbish, really.

Rubbish, is it?

The way that glass flew across the kitchen?

I pushed it.

You did?

Yes.

Well, you swear to that?

Yes.

Oh, well, that's all right then.

Well, you should have kept quiet.

All right, just for tonight.

Listen, Sam, I'll leave the back door open, you creep up to my room, and Sam,

anyone sees you, cover your face up and run!

I don't want to hear it.

See what it is. I know what it is.

One of them, whatever you call it, something you brought into the house,

something from beyond the Ouija board.

It's very good, isn't it?

Got a lot of talent, that, you know that?

I know that tune.

No, no, no, no!

Don't sing, you'll have the bloomy thing coming up in the company.

It's stopped.

What makes you think it's the poltergeist?

Well, what else could it be?

Burglars? What, playing a violin?

Well, whatever it is, shouldn't we go down and see to it?

It's your poltergeist. You go down and see to it.

My poltergeist? Yes, you brought it into the house, didn't you? I warned you. I

told you we're messing about with forces beyond your control, but you wouldn't

listen. Now you've got a poltergeist.

So you can look after it. With me, I'm having absolutely nothing to do with it.

He doesn't seem to have thrown anything in here.

No.

Sally, has he made any mess in the kitchen?

No. Well, that's good. At least we know his house trained.

Sorry, man, I went to the wrong room.

Stay there and keep quiet.

Nothing in the hall, Dad. Good.

Has he finished his manifestation?

Well, I certainly hope so.

the window, Sid.

I wasn't going.

Who are you?

Where do you come from?

It's Trevor.

I come from next door.

Oh, paralyze him.

Welcome to Sidney Abbott's house of horror.

We heard terrible screams.

Of course you heard terrible screams. We've got poltergeists and a thing

a face and a goblin.

Oh, Sidney, we're all right.

Thank you very much. We can leave that outside and come in. Yeah, but it's too

hot with the poltergeist. We've already got a poltergeist and it doesn't need

any help. It's doing fine. Come on.

Now, first we must get in touch with it.

We've already been in touch with it.

Then we must ask it what it wants and ask it to go.

Supposing it likes it here and doesn't want to go, what then?

Surely else.

Trevor, turn that light out.

It's a fine time to blow a fuse.

Sally, bring the candles.

Yeah, we'll go and fix the fuse, all right? Yeah, I'll come with you, Sid.

Can we have the torch, please?

No, we're not staying here in the dark.

Well, we're not going down there in the dark.

You're not scared, are you? Of course we're not scared. Don't be silly. No, of

course we're not. Let go of my... Come here, Mum.

Can I have the torch now, please?

Thank you, you're very kind.

Now, listen, Sid.

When we fix the fuse, we'll go around my house.

And we'll have a good stiff drink, right? We'll have a good few stiff

mate. Hang on, wait a minute.

Mike's been using the fuse while it's up in his room.

Sam,

come on, hurry up.

Oh, blimey!

What's the matter with you?

I've got a cramp and I can't walk. I don't care.

Crawl, then. Hurry up.

Oh, he's got some lovely pictures. See, look at this one.

What about this one?

Oh, shut up. Come on. I've got the fuse wire. Let's go and fix it. Get in there

and hide. When they come out, get in my room. Go on.

Let go of me. What's the matter with you? Hello, Dad.

Oh, it's him.

I thought it was something horrible. It is.

We've got enough things ordered in this house without you joining in. I only

came up to look for the fuse wire. I've got the fuse wire. You go and keep your

mother company and we'll go and fix the fuse.

I'll come with you. It doesn't take three fellas to fix a fuse. No, no, no,

Let him come with you, Sid. I can't stand it here by myself.

Not with that thing hanging about.

But you're not by yourself. I'm with you. You put supposing it grabs hold of

on the way out.

I'll be by myself then, won't I? Oh, God, come on.

Positive, dear. Once they go, they go.

It's gone, all right.

Come to think of it, so have Sid and Mike.

They'll be next door boozing. I'll soon chase them out.

Thank you, dear. We could never have got rid of it without you. See you

tomorrow, then.

Bye -bye. Good night.

Well, come on, Sally.

I'm glad it's gone, aren't you, Mummy?

Well, in a way.

It was exciting, though, wasn't it? Oh, yes.

But you didn't actually see it.

Good night, darling.

Shh! You'll wake them all up. Oh, come on. I'm sorry.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, son.

What's she standing there for?

No reason.

You scared?

Me? No.

If you're scared, I'll come in there with you.

No, that's all right. Good night, Dad.

Good night.

Are you scared?

I'm back.

You've had a few, haven't you?

I know, I'm just keeping Trevor company because he's frightened.

What of?

The plastergeist.

not next door.

Yeah, well, he's frightened they might spread from house to house, you know,

like mice.

Come to bed. Yeah, I'll just get the glass of water. I'm under it.

Why don't you come to bed before you hurt yourself?

I am.

I can't wait any longer, man. I've been waiting all night.

All right.

Come on, quickly.

It's that door there, Sam. Sam!

Come on, open this door.

You!

I'm sorry, Dad. It was only a joke.

I ought to murder you.

Scaring your mother like that.

Oh, he didn't scare me, dear. Well, scaring your sister like that.

Oh, no, he didn't, really.

Well, scaring... Woo -hoo, Dad! Trevor, next door.

How dare you terrify the neighbours like that? Well, it serves him right. Teach

him not to bring his Ouija board round here. I'll teach you something in the

morning. Go to bed. Yes, sir.

There you go. Just a minute.

Now, no more in this house forevermore seances, tea leaf reading or horoscopes,

right? No, dear. Because you know now, once and for all, there's no such things

as poltergeist.

Right, come to bed.

What's that?

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