Original subtitles

Right, we've had it.

One second.

VTR 10 -5397, part 1, take 1.

I'll fix the plot.

I've done it.

I'll fix...

Oh,

who's goofed up the sounds?

You realise you've fused everything, don't you? Now the fridge will start to

thaw out. How much is your fuss? It's only a little fuse. I'll put in another

one. I'll mend the fuse.

I don't want you blacking out the whole of South West London.

I've been offered to do it for you, Dad, but I'm afraid I haven't got time.

I didn't think you would have. Where are you going?

To a demonstration.

I don't know why I bothered to ask.

We're demonstrating against pollution.

We? You're going as well?

Yes, Daddy. For once, Mike and I are united.

There are too many cars on the road.

You're dead right there. That North Circular gets worse every day.

Cars should be abolished.

Oh, yes.

And how do I make my calls?

Bring back the horse.

Bring back the horse.

I have enough trouble betting on them.

Oh, it's sensible, yeah. I can just see all those bowler -acted commuters

galloping across Waterloo Bridge, waving their umbrellas, stopping every four

miles for a bottom massage for saddle soreness.

In two months, you've got the whole country walking around like cowboys.

Well, at least horses wouldn't pollute the atmosphere.

You must be joking.

You get 2 ,000 horses jam -solid on that North Circular, you'll pollute it right

up the M1.

He's pointless talking to himself.

He just doesn't understand.

I think we're protesting again.

You'd better watch it, or you'll both get a decadent belt round the ear off.

I think the views... It's the plot, I think.

Well, don't try it now.

I want to get the room tidied before your area manager gets round.

He's not coming, is he?

Oh, did I forget to tell you? He phoned this morning.

No, but on a Saturday.

I mean, what did he say?

He just said, will Sidney be home today?

Sidney? Did he call me Sidney? Yes.

He'd never called me Sidney before.

It's usually Abbott or AU.

It's promotion, that's what it is. They're going to give me that Watson

Well, that'll be Mr. Marshall.

Not possible. It's too early.

Oh, Mr. Marshall, good morning. We didn't expect you so early. I have

call to make.

Oh, you've got a new car.

Isn't that nice?

It belongs to Sir Maxwell Robson, our managing director.

That's why I called.

I want your husband to deliver it to him today.

Oh, it's not Watford, then.

Oh, never mind. Doesn't matter. Please, come in.

Sid! Whoever it is, get rid of him. Our misery marshal will be here soon.

Sooner than you think.

Good morning, Abbott.

Very nice of you to come, sir.

Very nice of you to call. Would you like a drink?

It's a little early to be drinking.

Oh, you're quite right there. This is for Jean. There we are, darling.

You got a bag?

Cold on the chest. You have something like that on it to loosen it up. You

it's shocking, isn't it? Now, go in there, my darling. Go on.

Don't sit in front of the oven. There we are.

Well, I'll come straight to the point.

I expect you're wondering why I've called.

Not at all. Whatever it is, it's a pleasure and an honour. Sit down. No.

Sit. Why don't you sit your hands there, please?

I know you're a man of integrity.

A man I can trust. Oh, yes, you can trust me, sir.

I've got a very important job for you.

You can rely on me. I know Watford like the back of my hand.

Watford? Yes.

But he doesn't live in Watford.

Who doesn't? Sir Maxwell Robson.

What's he got to do with it? Well, that's the reason why I'm here.

I want you to run his car over to Guildford.

Thank you very much.

Where will I find the car?

It's parked outside.

How stupid of me. I should have known.

It's the new Rolls -Royce.

Get away, is it?

You'll take good care of it, won't you? Oh, yes, you bet, yes.

Good. Oh, by the way, there is one other matter I should mention.

You know the Watford area is going spare?

Is it really?

Get away. Go on, Bud. Yes.

You'll keep this to yourself, won't you?

Yes. We're thinking of Jenkins.

Jenkins? He's the obvious choice.

He lives at Rickman's birth. He can be on the job in ten minutes.

He's on the job every ten minutes.

I could get there in under half an hour, personally. You wouldn't like the

journey every day.

No? Besides, I don't want to lose you from this area.

If you went, who would do all the little jobs for me, eh? That's quite true,

yes. Jane?

Oh, misery. Mr.

Marshall's going.

Can't you stay for a cup of coffee?

No, thank you. My wife is waiting for me in my car.

Oh, by the way. Yes?

How do I get to Jenkins Place?

Oh, that's fairly simple. You go straight down, turn right at the grapes.

then second right at the king's head, then go straight past the next three

boozers, turn right at the ploughman's arms, and then second right again at the

ruptured duck.

Thank you.

Not at all.

See? Yes.

Those directions you gave him will take him nowhere near Mr. Jenkins' place.

Those ain't right old misery guts.

Did you hear that? Brand new Rolls Royce out there.

I saw it. Nice, isn't it?

Do you realise something? I opted to buy that car. My blood and sweat paid for

that car.

Your blood and sweat just about paid for the wing mirror.

I thought I'd deliver it. Well, set off.

Keen to deliver it, aren't you?

I'm not delivering it yet. I'm going to drive it round a bit, drive the

neighbours raving mad with jealousy.

And old Popey's down the road will go green when he sees me driving a Rolls.

It's no use pretending it's yours. Now, what are the neighbours going to say

tomorrow when you turn up in your old Ford? Well, I'll just tell them the

wasn't suitable, that's all.

Didn't fit the garage.

Be careful, darling, won't you?

I'll be safer with me than you are. Come here.

Ban the car!

Ban the car!

Ban it!

Ban it! Ban the car!

We're doing our own thing.

And I've just come to do their own thing.

Now we'll get some action.

Come on, sonny boy.

Let's be having you.

Bye -bye, Daddy. See you in court.

Just a minute, Woosh. Put her down.

Are you addressing me, sir? Yes, I am.

You're a bit old for this sort of thing, aren't you, Dad? I'm not that much

older than you, mate.

Well, you don't look it.

Now, look at your fuzz face. Put her down.

You, Marge, you're obstructing the law. I'll do more than obstruct you in a

minute. Put her down. I've heard you. Better take that one as well. Get your

hands off me.

Hi,

Sally.

How are you?

Hello, Dad. Nice to see you. I'm happy for this. I'm glad you came. What

happened to you?

Come straight back, Harry.

Mrs Abbott? Yes?

I'm Sir Maxwell Robson. Oh.

How do you do?

Please, come in.

Mr Marshall told me my Rolls Royce was here.

Yes, it was.

Oh, dear. Has your husband left with it already?

No, he hasn't left.

Well, then, where's my car? I need it this afternoon. I have to be in

tonight for an important business appointment.

Sid took it out.

I beg your pardon?

Petrol. He went to get some petrol.

Oh, my very poor... That's my said.

Well, I wouldn't like anything to happen to her. I've only had the old girl a

month. May I? Oh, please do.

Lying in the middle of the road, shouting and screaming at everybody.

I've never been so humiliated in my life.

What a disgrace.

Oh, come on, Dan. Why didn't you let him charge us with all the others?

Because I don't want the name of Abbott in the criminal records.

We've always been a decent, law -abiding family.

With completely unblemished records.

So how are you going to get us off?

I'm going to bribe the sergeant.

Oh, that's very honest, isn't it?

Let's see.

It's usually a once -effort parking.

Three of us, that's three pounds.

Diamond and a half for Saturdays.

That's four and a half.

I'll give him a fiver.

Ah, Mr, uh, Abbott? That's me. Good afternoon, Inspector.

The commissioner looks after promotions here, sir.

I can see that.

You've definitely got the inspector look about you.

Thank you, Mr. Abbott. Not at all.

Now, sir, why are you objecting to you and your children being charged? Well,

it's obviously been a mistake. My children didn't mean it, did you?

Yes, we did. No, you didn't. Can I just have a word with you? Just a minute, Mr.

Abbott. No, no, call me Sid. Everybody else does. Come here.

I'd just like to have a quick word with you.

Oh, what is it, Mr. Abbott?

I'm sure you'd like to see my driving licence.

What for?

Well, just to verify who I am.

I know who you are, sir. You're Mr Sidney Abbott. Oh, but you want a bit of

proof, don't you?

No, sir.

Do me a favour, please. Go on. Have a look at the licence. Have a good look.

Oh, very well, Mr Abbott. If it'll make you happy. Thank you.

Hello.

Is this yours, Mr Abbott?

Pardon?

This five -pound note was in your driving licence.

Are you sure?

I thought I saw it fall out of your trouser pocket.

Oh, yeah, some fall -up, would you mean, onto the desk?

It could have been wafted up by the breeze.

I don't think so, Mr Abbott.

It was definitely in your licence.

I just can't understand how it got there.

Excuse me. Thank you very much. So you're not going to charge us, then? Or

you? As a matter of fact, sir, no. You're not?

No, sir. Between you and me, I've got a couple of kids of my own. I know just

what you're going through.

What a good lad you are. Thank you very much. Just don't let me see you in here

again. No, I promise you, you won't see me in here again. Come on, you two. I

told you I'd get you off. Come on.

Collaborator. Out, out. Come on. Just a moment, Mr. Abbott.

What have you got in there?

Police charity, sir.

Oh. I thought you might like to make a little donation.

As a matter of fact, you caught me at rather a bad time.

What about that five pounds, sir?

Five pounds?

The five pounds you thought you never had.

Oh, that five pounds.

You know the old saying, sir.

What you've never had, you never miss. Well done, Dad.

I'll thump you.

Thank you, Mr. Abbott. Thank you, Corporal.

And then at the end of the avenue, we have an architect.

A very nice couple. They haven't been in very long.

Really? And then opposite him is Mrs. Carter.

Please, Mrs. Abbott, I'm sure your neighbours are most interesting, but I

rather a hurry.

I'm sure Sidney will be back any minute now.

Oh, that's probably him now.

Where's that husband of yours? Oh, I wish I knew.

I followed those instructions he gave me, and do you know where I ended up?

Right back here.

Where is he?

Stop saying where is he.

Is something wrong?

Everything's wrong.

Sid took the Rolls out for a ride round and I don't know where he is and he's

not come back and you're managing to wait and sitting in there.

Please tell me it isn't true.

I wish I could.

Hello?

It's Sid. Where is he? Where are you?

In a telephone box.

Has he got the car with him?

He couldn't get a car in a telephone box.

Ask him, is the car all right?

Is the car all right?

Yes.

Yes, they're both here.

I'll tell him.

Hurry up.

Well? He said not to worry, everything's all right. He'll be home just as soon

as he gets the car out of the police car pound.

For the last time, Constable Argreaves, I will not send a panda car.

If somebody's pinched your bicycle, you pinch somebody else's bicycle.

Hello, Sergeant.

Oh, well, if it isn't our philanthropic friend.

What can I do for you, sir? Well, I've got a spot of trouble.

Are you not going to show me your driving licence again, are you, sir? No,

no. I came round here to get the car out of your car pound and your blokes won't

let me have it.

Ah, yeah? Which car is it? Silver grey Rolls Royce.

Oh, a Rolls Royce. That's right, yes.

You own a Rolls Royce.

Well, it's not exactly mine.

And whose exactly is it? Well, it belongs to our managing director.

I see.

And he lent it to you, did he? Well, he didn't exactly lend it to me. I sort of

borrowed it and I was going towards Guildford.

And why was the car in question pointing the opposite way when we towed it in?

Well, I wasn't exactly going to Guildford.

Shall we have a little recap, sir? Yes, please.

You called in here to claim your Rolls -Royce. Yes.

Only it isn't exactly yours.

No. It was lent to you by your managing director.

That's right, yes.

Only he didn't exactly lend it to you. No. And you were driving to Guildford,

but you weren't exactly going to Guildford. Very good, eh? You summed

very well.

Can I have it?

No, you can't.

We don't just give them away, you know.

Any Tom, Dick and Harry could call in here and claim that car. We must have

sort of proof.

Can I show you my driving? No, don't. Let's start that all over again.

What's the registration number?

Registration number?

Yes, sir, the registration number.

You know, it's on a little plate at the front and the back. I know what it looks

like.

I can't tell you the registration number. It's not my car.

I'm sorry, Mr. Abbott. Unless you can give me some sort of proof, there's

nothing I can do.

My dabs.

My fingerprints.

They're all over that wheel. You get your expert out here with your little

and the dusting powder. Come on. Oh, Zed Cars has got a lot to answer for.

Well, don't just stand there. Do something.

Now, look, Mr. Abbott.

This is Lowest Target Street Police Station, not New Scotland Yard.

We don't have experts with brushes and dusting powder here.

Can I use the phone?

Certainly, Mr. Abbott. Thank you.

I shall be in time for my appointment in Manchester.

Ah, the telephone.

That is for you, sir. I'll get it. It's my phone.

Hello? It's me again.

It's Sid. Where is he? Where are you? In a police station.

The police station?

Here, give me that phone.

Now, listen, Abbott.

I want you back here with that Rolls -Royce immediately.

Understand? Well, they won't give it to me unless I give them the registration

number. Oh, put the sergeant on. I'll straighten us out.

It's all right. Sergeant, my boss wants to speak to you. I thought you were

phoning the wife.

He happens to be with my wife.

Oh, I see.

Hang on a minute.

That's your husband on the phone?

Oh, no, no. It's his wife.

Oh, that's right. It's my wife.

Hello?

Hello, darling.

I beg your pardon?

How sweet of you to phone, precious.

I'll be home as soon as I can.

Did you say this was your boss?

Yes. Well, I reckon your wife's taken up with him.

We'll get the registration number for you.

And don't hang up.

I'll give him another 15 minutes.

I'll be digging, sir.

We ought to have your registration number on file in the office.

The devil for.

Well, so that the staff would recognise you as you drove through and salute.

Or something like that.

That's a damn good idea. I like that. What is your registration number, sir?

DPH 10K.

DPH 10K.

Yes, yes, yes, I've got it.

Sergeant? Who is Sarge? That's Mr Rabbit. I know the number.

It's DH...

Oh, God, I've forgotten a bloody thing.

It's all right, Mr Abbott. You can take the roles.

I can?

Yes, one of our lads happened to switch on this tape recorder that was in the

car. Would you care to listen?

This is Sidney Abbott speaking.

Do you realise, twithead, that my blood and sweat paid for this car?

If anybody as sick as you ever got to be a managing director, I will never,

never, ever think you'll be another six months, cheese face, and I will have

your job.

you marigolds. Very colourful.

Would you like to see the border?

No, thank you. All I'd like to see is your husband with my car.

Good afternoon, sir.

Abbott, you're fired.

Please, Marshall, not so hasty.

Let us allow Abbott the courtesy of giving us an explanation.

Then we'll fire him.

Yes. Sir Maxwell and I are still waiting for an explanation.

Well, of course you are.

Well, Abbott.

Fine, thanks. You?

Oh, ah, yes, um, Tell me, do you know anything about cars, mechanically

speaking? Nothing at all. Oh, good.

You see, I got in the car and I switched on and I suddenly noticed a sort of

clunk, clunk.

Clunk, clunk? Yes. I mean, it's the tongue differential. You know, it

like a sprocket in your manifold.

Really?

So I took it to the garage and I lifted the bonnet and there it was.

Hanging off.

What?

Your right -hand thrusher.

Your thrusher?

Phone, Jean. You know what a thrusher is?

I thought everybody knew where the tractor went.

It sort of keeps a balance between your inlet and outlet valves on your

reversible piston rods.

Well, under the circumstances, I think you did the right thing. Thank you. Your

wife's on the telephone, and I don't like your attitude.

I beg your pardon?

Threatening my Sidney with the sack just because of a silly old car. Mrs. Adams!

And you're just as bad. It's our livelihood you're playing with. No, Sid,

very annoyed.

me and two children to support, not to mention the budgie. I think you're mean

and selfish.

Mrs. Abbott, you are absolutely right.

And I admire the way you stand by your husband.

Excuse me.

Don't think you've got away with this, Abbott. Got away with what? You may have

been able to fool Sir Maxwell with all that gibberish about thrushes and

sprockets, but not me.

Just wait till I get you in the office on Monday.

Well, thank you, Abbott.

My meeting in Manchester's cancelled, so if it hadn't been for this delay, I'd

have been halfway up the motorway by now.

I think I like you, Abbott. Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Hi, Mum.

Hi, Dad.

My two children. It's Sally and Mike.

Mike's the one with the beads.

You don't have to explain.

I've got one just like it at home.

You don't have any children, do you, Marshall?

No, sir.

Not yet.

But we are trying.

Sorry we're late, Mummy.

We were arrested.

Arrested? Sit down, darling. Can I show you out to the car? How did you come to

be arrested?

We were sitting down in the middle of the high street trying to stop the

traffic. And one of the traffic was down in a Rolls Royce.

I was just taking it to the garage.

Anyway, when the police started carting us off, Daddy tried to stop them. Right.

So they carted him off as well.

And what happened to the Rolls Royce? Oh, the police towed it away.

I see.

Don't worry, Sir Maxwell.

He'll have his cards on Monday.

Do shut up, Marshal.

Abbott, you are a remarkable man.

Yes, I suppose I am.

You risked imprisonment for the sake of your children.

Now, I admire that.

Yes, well, I mean, whether you've got it or you haven't.

Remind me on Monday.

We must consider Sydney for the Watford area.

Yes, sir.

You and your wife must come and have dinner with us some evening.

Oh, thank you.

Meatballs. Can we have meatballs?

Well,

meatballs it will be.

Yes, thank you.

Well, it's been a great pleasure meeting you. Thank you. And your lovely

children. I'll show you the car, sir.

Meet me in the office on Monday.

It's not my fault I haven't any children.

Yes, well, if you have any trouble with the old roll, just give me a ring. I'll

get a little bloke to fix it for you in no time.

Thank you, Sidney.

I shall be there Monday morning, breaking early.

A couple of little stickers.

Have you seen them?

Abbott!

If you're worried about the stickers, just leave them to me. I'll get them all

off with my bare hands, even if I break my nails.

I couldn't care less about the stickers.

You couldn't?

Oh, what a lovely fellow you are.

Didn't I tell you he was a lovely fellow?

What a brain you've got there. Oh, definitely.

You definitely should have reached the top as you have.

And you are fully entitled to that role as you've earned it.

Really? Yes.

Those were hardly your sentiments this morning.

Just you give me another six months, cheese face, and I will have your job.

How

do

you still recognize me?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0