Original subtitles

VTR terms 5 -4 -00, part one, take one.

Well, she can't do without that bit.

There.

Go, go, blimey.

Oh, just look at that carpet.

Oh, no, see!

Oh, blimey, look at that now.

What? The bottom's falling off.

Oh, sorry.

What did you do with Mike's birthday card?

It's in my private drawer, yeah.

Oh, that.

What shall I put?

Do you mean to tell me that after all these years, everybody's had private

access to my blooming secret documents here?

No, not everybody, dear. Just Mike, Sally and me.

To our dear son on his 20th birthday,

wishing you joy, health... And an early marriage.

How can you say that?

Easy.

You've never been bothered by the children. I've had them since they were

When they wanted money for school outings, they came to Mummy.

When they wanted money for tape recorders and record players, they came

Mummy. Even now, when they want new clothes, they come to Mummy. What does

do? She comes to Daddy.

That's not true.

What shall we get Mike for his present? I haven't thought about it.

Gold watch would be nice.

Gold watch?

Do you know what they cost?

You've only got one son.

And he's had 19 birthdays.

I see.

Counting his birthdays now. I don't have to. As soon as May sets in, he starts

trotting about here like a mobile broadcasting unit.

Children are like that. He's not a child. He's a man.

I don't care what you say. Mike will always be a little boy to me. Good.

give him a little train set then.

But when it's your birthday, the children spend hours discussing what

going to buy you.

And they spend hours trying to bum the money off me to pay for it.

They put a lot of thought into it. That's quite true. I've got boxes and

of handkerchiefs to prove it.

All right.

There'll be no more birthdays in this house. Good. No presents, no

handkerchiefs. You can go around with your nose running.

Oh, gee, no! Oh,

God. She's lost her left one now.

And another thing. You should be ashamed of yourself spending all your time

messing about with nude women.

Can't be you to worry. She's going to start messing about with nude fellas.

trouble with mummy. It's daddy I'm worried about.

So? All I want to do is celebrate my birthday with a few mates. Now, what's

wrong with that?

You've got 30 people on the list already. That's what's wrong with it.

on. Give me the list. We'll cross them off.

kiss solves everything.

You think you've only got to kiss me and everything's fine.

You think all you have to do is kiss me. I thought we'd make a nice gold watch.

Oh, darling.

You know you've only got to kiss me and everything's fine.

Keep wearing.

McCarthy off. You've got to be kidding. I've been stalking her for weeks. But

she's David's girlfriend.

Great. We'll cross him off.

That makes 29.

Oh, forget it. Look, the only way we can cut down on this party is by you and I

getting off the list. Come on. Get it over with.

Well, that's settled then.

All right. You've had your gold watch work.

Look, Mike. They're holding hands.

What do you think we do? Swing on the curtains and chuck bananas at each

Oh, Flummy, here's the vocabulary for you. Great, groovy, and gas. It's like

living with two hippie parrots.

You might be interested to know that your mother and I hold hands

because we love each other. And if we didn't have you two galloping about all

day, we might get down to something a little more substantial.

Steve!

You don't have to explain to us, Daddy. Holding hands is symbolic of physical

awareness, and physical awareness culminates in total union.

What do you know about total union?

Nothing yet.

Total union? Yeah, all right, all right.

What are you hanging about for? The cabaret's over.

Well, actually, I came to have a word with you about my birthday.

Yes, and I came to support Mike whilst he had a word with you about his

birthday. Oh, we're keeping your birthday a surprise.

That's going to be a bit difficult, Mum. I happen to know it's on Friday.

What your mother's trying to say is that we want to keep your birthday present a

surprise. Oh, that's cool. I don't want a present.

Call the vet. No, no, no, no. What I actually want is a... Well, I'd like

Well, go on, dear. You can talk to your father. Of course he can.

He'd like a...

Party?

You can't talk to your father. Well, what Sal means is a minute party.

Yes, that's it. Minute. Just a few friends.

Minute. Small.

Small party or small friends?

Small party. Average -sized friends.

Well, that sounds nice, Sid. You can't refuse that.

It doesn't, and I can.

Why? Because I know very well that if you leave a lot of average -sized boys

average -sized girls alone together, eventually one of those average -sized

girls is going to finish up in normal.

My mother went on holiday last year and she had her party.

And the only person who ended up enormous was her mother.

Spanish waiter.

You've got an answer to everything, haven't you? Yes.

No, I will not have my house wrecked. Who's going to wreck your house? A gang

marauding chimps you call friends.

Oh, that's great, isn't it, Dad? I have a birthday and I can't even celebrate it

with a few friends. I'm deprived.

And your mates are depraved.

If I leave you lot alone in the south, I'll finish up with nothing but the damp

course. Please, Daddy.

Wasting your time kissing me.

Please, Dad. No, no, I'm sorry. Just don't bother. Dad. No, no.

What's the matter?

I thought he was going to have a go as well.

Get out or I'll thump you.

I'll talk to your father.

See you. No, darling, no.

Well,

that settles then.

I'll provide the food and your father will provide the drink.

Terrific. I thought the party was going to be a gas.

I think I'll make a beautiful bacon kidney pie.

Your father likes that.

Oh, boy.

Mum? Yes, dear? Well, I don't actually know how to say this, but we see...

we rather wanted the house empty on the night of the party.

Empty? Empty of what?

Well, you and Dad, mainly.

You mean we're not invited?

Oh, Mummy, don't take it like that. Of course you're invited.

We... just be very grateful if you turn the invitation down.

Well, how on earth am I going to tell your father?

Well, just explain it to him, that's all.

If I do that, you'll never have a party.

All right. Here he is now. He sounds in a good mood, Mum.

Hello, dear.

You sound happy.

Of course I'm happy. When Sid Abbott throws a party, he throws a good 'un.

But Mike's throwing the party, dear. You're just paying for it. I know, and I

want it to be a success, don't I?

I am looking forward to this party.

Yes, we were. Oh, Daddy.

Well,

you've got to keep it lively, haven't you? I mean, you get one drag in the

and the whole thing falls flat.

Yeah, right.

Sam, you will be 20 tomorrow and I want to buy you a gold watch. But you want to

have a party? You shall have a party. We will have a party you will never

forget.

You're right. Let's twist again, like we did last time.

Let's twist again. You two go and tidy your rooms. I'll talk to Daddy.

Come on, Sam.

That's for you.

That's for you.

Thanks, Daddy.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Come on, wish I'd known how to dance. Come on, up you get. Sid.

Yes?

One of the reasons I married you is because you're a very understanding man.

Yes, I can't deny that.

You've always understood me and you've understood the children, even when you

haven't understood us. Well, that's because I'm a nice fellow.

How much is it?

What? The new dress you want for the party.

We're not going to the party.

Pardon? Well, you see, Mike and Sally feel that it would be better if we

in the house.

Well, it's perfectly natural for them not to want us here.

Oh, please, they don't look like that.

You mean to tell me they've done all these invitations and they haven't got

for us?

Oh, yes, there's one for us. What does it say? We request the presence of your

absence?

No.

Marvellous, isn't it?

I'm being put out of my own house like I was a bloody old tomcat.

like that.

Where will we drink his health then, on the grass verge?

We can drink his health all day long.

And then at night we'll go and stay with my father. I am not staying with your

father.

Oh, be honest.

We wouldn't enjoy a kids' party, would we? That's not the point.

You don't trust the children, do you? No, I don't trust them.

They'll drink all my scotch and take away half my furniture.

Can't you see how Mike and Sally feel?

Mike distinctly said he wanted his friends to dig me.

He does.

Well, how can they dig me if I'm not here?

Mike wants his friends to be proud of you. And he can only do that if you're

here. I mean, if you're here, then they'll think you're an ordinary,

sort of drag.

But if you're not here, then they'll think you're a nice, thoughtful,

understanding drag.

That's very kind of you.

Would you mind, if it's not too much trouble, getting your kind, thoughtful

a bloody big drink?

Yes, dear.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

You spend a fortune on kids, send them to the best schools, the party comes

along, and they don't even bloody ask you.

Here you are, dear.

Thank you.

Oh, that's the bit I was... Oh, God!

Oh, God, look at that now.

She's all waterlogged.

I think there's enough food there.

And here's your birthday cake, Mike.

Oh, that's a lot, Mum.

Now, we're going over to stay with Grandad, so we'll see you in the

It's especially nice of Daddy. He doesn't really want to leave us alone,

he? He doesn't mind leaving you alone.

Oh, you must have had a hard time convincing him, Mum. It wasn't hard at

Your father trusts you completely.

One table, one, two, three, four, chair.

One radio thread.

One piano.

One carpet slightly stained.

One ashtray slightly chipped. One ceiling.

One ceiling slightly cracked.

One front door slightly open. One front.

Come along, darling.

All right, all right.

Now, we want you to enjoy yourselves, and we want your friends to enjoy

themselves. We're going to Grandad's, so we'll enjoy ourselves.

See you tomorrow.

Bye, Mummy. Bye.

All right, all right.

It's ridiculous spending my son's birthday in a greenhouse.

Well, I'm not exactly enjoying it.

You've planned it all. That's right.

Even to hiring a television set.

That's right.

Loving, all -giving, all -thoughtful husband.

You're right again.

I might as well be married to a lighthouse keeper.

I'm only doing what any reasonable father would do. I'm keeping an eye on

kids and me property.

Well, you've certainly taken all the precautions.

You've locked all the cupboards, you've bolted the garage, and you've marked all

your whiskey bottles.

All this fuss over one little party. Little party? He's got 500 of his

in there.

Julie!

Never mind about us. What's he going to do?

They must be very nice, your parents, allowing this party.

Yeah, they're great.

What are they like?

I didn't come here to talk about my parents. Are they nice -looking?

Well, Mum's sort of thin and ravenously beautiful and Dad's tough and ruggedly

handsome and... And?

Well, I'm a liar.

Mum's pretty, there's no doubt about that. And your Dad?

Dad? Well, he's sort of wooden.

Broken down, well used.

And he's got sort of brownish, greyish, crinkly sort of hair.

Looks a bit like an old army blanket.

And his face, well, it looks like it's been flattened.

I'll kill it!

And if I'm going to be honest, Mum's a bit fat.

Fat?

Are they very strict?

Oh, Dad thinks he is, but Mum's got him round a little finger.

If Daddy and I want something, and Dad says no, we go to Mum, she kisses Dad,

and he says yes.

lovable. So why are we being lovable?

What?

We've run out of drinks. Oh, great.

What are you doing in here?

Well, would you believe talking about our parents? Well, come on, Mike. We'll

have to start on Dad's whiskey.

We can't. He's marked all the bottles.

Oh, don't worry. Mommy told me how she overcomes that.

Off my face.

Well, she did say you sounded lovable.

Yes.

And he said I was wooden and broken down and well used.

Sounds like a commercial for a bloody yard broom.

But wooden is a compliment. It means tough.

And a face that looks like it's been slept in.

Oh, Sid.

I mean, I wouldn't care, but have you seen his bed in the mornings?

Nobody's face can look that kind of a mess.

He said you were fat.

Well, we all know what a liar he is.

I can't believe it. My own family laughing at me. Laughing at me. Oh,

silly. Why would we do that? We love you.

She's got him right round her little finger. All she's got to do is kiss him.

What's the matter with that? I think that sounds rather sweet.

And you have been tampering with my whiskey labels.

Only once. When my father took more than his share.

No, I'm hurt.

I'm deeply, deeply hurt.

In all these years, I thought I was the boss of the family, and my family's been

having me on.

Oh, listen... Don't interrupt me when I'm talking.

My wife and kids have been collaborating against me, and between you, you've

turned me into a yes -man.

That's me. I'm a yes -man.

Stop it, Bill. I'll bet you when I go down to the Hare and Hounds, all the

fellas will say, here he comes, old noddy abbot.

That's not true.

You're the king of our castle.

Mike and Sally and I listen to every word you say.

Well, I don't think so.

Every time I say no, the three of you go yes -ing all over the place.

All right, then, I'll prove it.

You didn't want Mike's party. We'll go right in there and stop it immediately.

No, thank you. I couldn't care that much what happens in that house anymore.

And get your hands off my old army blanket.

Take your father's breakfast down to the greenhouse.

Yeah.

am I going to explain this to my friends at school?

You have fathers leaving home, fathers getting divorced, even fathers living

with other women. But you never have one living in a greenhouse.

I don't care what your friends think.

There are his vitamin pills.

Those are his clean socks.

Give him my love and tell him that the final demand for the gas bill...

You don't have to worry about your wooden parlor.

But you haven't eaten.

I'm all right. I've got tomatoes and lettuces.

In a couple of weeks, the spring onion's a bear.

I'm sorry about the party last night. Don't have to be sorry. It's all right.

least I know the truth now. Your mother's been deceiving me with her

Well, every woman does that. I know that. It's your mother's motives I

to. Can I have new curtains, darling?

Can Sally have a transistor, darling?

Can Mike have a party, darling?

She's wearing my bloody face out.

But that's nice, Dad. That's really great. A woman kissing a man's

Well, now she's kissed a man into the greenhouse.

If you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone.

Well, don't you want this?

No, I'm fasting.

OK, I'll try.

It's very cold outside tonight, Mum.

Think you'll be all right?

Shall I take him some cocoa, Mummy?

Well, you two can do what you like.

I've sent six meals down to the greenhouse today and he hasn't touched

I've begged him to talk things over, but no.

He sits there like a middle -aged dropper.

They bought you cocoa?

Don't want it.

But, Daddy, you always drink cocoa.

No room for it. My stomach's shrunk.

Do you mind if we sit down?

If you have to.

Pull up a plant pot.

When are you coming home, Daddy?

I am home.

And get your foot off my furniture.

But, Daddy, you can't stay here. There's no bath.

I don't need a bath. I can turn the hose over me.

I suppose we'll get used to it. We?

Yeah, the three of us. Which three?

Well, we three, of course.

We had to make a decision, you see, Dad, now that you've separated from Mum.

Your mother and I are not separated, we're just living apart.

Well, it's the same thing, isn't it? It is not the same thing. When you're

separated, it means you're not together.

If you're living apart, you're still not together, but in different places.

Anyway, we've thought about it, and we've decided that if you and Mummy have

split, we'd rather be with you, Daddy. Thank you very much.

Oh, Dad, you've got it all wrong. Have I really?

Yes, Daddy, there's got to be one strong parent and one weak one. I am not weak.

I'm strong and tough and determined.

I never got dizzy.

Well, that's because you're not eating.

Yeah, look how thin you've got.

It's all right. Your mother's fat enough for both of us.

If you hadn't been spying on us, this would never have happened. If I hadn't

been spying on you, I'd have had to go and spend the night with your mother's

grotty, crummy, old, mingy father.

Dad, why don't you come home?

No. Take up your position as lord and master of the house.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, aren't we?

Go on.

Thank you.

There she is, Charlotte, your poor old father.

Mummy!

Daddy's home!

Mummy? Oh, Dad, I'll go and pick up your stuff out of the greenhouse. Nice to

have you back, man. Thank you.

Jane, I want my dinner.

I can't find Mummy anywhere.

Oh, you'll have to find her. I want my dinner.

Dad, Dad, it's Mum.

She's in the greenhouse.

What's she doing there?

I think she heard you call her fat.

Oh, God, Blimey.

You know what you'll have to do, don't you, Daddy? Yes, I know.

Well, I'd better go and do it alone.

Here's a pen. Take him to the pictures. Thank you. And don't forget the change.

Gene?

Gene?

Oh,

Steve. Come on, come inside.

Much nicer in there.

Don't waste your time, look under the picture.