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VTR 10 -5398, part one, take one.

Oh, go bloody, that's sexy, that is.

Here, mate.

Trevor hasn't phoned, has he?

Nobody's phoned.

You sure he hasn't phoned?

Well, you've been here. You'd have heard it, wouldn't you?

I just thought you might have heard it.

No, I didn't.

I mean, it's quite possible a phone rang and you didn't hear it.

If it had rung, I would have heard it. But it didn't. So I didn't.

Yes.

He didn't call round, did he?

Who? Trevor.

If he called round, you would have seen him, wouldn't you?

Well, I thought you might have seen him.

If he had called round, I would have seen him. But he didn't call round.

So he didn't call round, and you didn't see him.

Well done, Daddy.

He didn't leave a message, did he?

No, he didn't leave a message.

That's him. That's Trevor.

That's him.

Don't worry, Daddy.

I'll talk to him on the phone. You let him in the back door.

That's an idea.

Come in, mate.

Don't just stand there. Did you get the tickets for Saturday?

Ah, yeah, well, that's what I wanted to see you about, please.

Good old Trevor. I knew you'd do it.

You and me, mate.

Roll on, Saturday. We'll be there.

Arsenal for the cup, Liverpool for the chop. Yeah, well, it was like this, you

see. Do you remember last year, all those people waving their little flags,

rattling their little rattles?

Abide with me.

Very moving, that, very moving.

And that geese are down in a white suit.

Abide with me. No, you're not going, see.

Fast forward even time. I only got one ticket. He's only got one ticket.

You mean I'm not going?

I haven't forgotten Auntie Elsie.

Well, it's not every day Mummy's sister gets married, is it?

And we'll all pray for the sun to shine for you on Saturday.

You know I was looking forward to Saturday.

Yeah, well, what did I say while you was abiding with me? I've only got one

ticket, haven't I? One ticket. One lousy ticket. Yeah, well, they're very

difficult to get hold of. Oh, rubbish. I could have got hundreds of them. So why

didn't you then? Because they're very difficult to get, aren't they?

I'll tell you what.

I'll toss you for it.

You mean you won't play?

You won't touch for it?

You're going by yourself then?

Well, have a good time. Thanks a lot, Steve.

You won't, of course.

Of course I won't. I mean, all those thousands of people waving their stupid

little flags, rattling their stupid little rattles, singing that stupid

Abide With Me.

You are absolutely right, Steve. And that stupid twit standing there in a

suit waving his arms about.

Yeah.

I never enjoyed it. No, me neither.

I mean, I would much rather sit in the cupboard of my own home watching it on

the box. So would I, see. You would? Yeah.

Give me your ticket.

No,

I'm not, sorry. Just give me the ticket.

Look, I'll tell you what, see, there is every chance that I can get hold of

another one.

You can?

Yeah, a little chance.

A little chance?

How little?

That little?

That little?

That little?

How little?

That little?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll go home, I'll phone Jack Wilson, Because his old dad's got a ticket.

Well, if he's got a ticket, he'd be using it, wouldn't he? No, but he's 73

old, isn't he?

And he's been having these funny turns lately.

Has he?

How long has he been having those?

Every other day.

Poor old fellow.

When did he have the last one?

The day before yesterday.

It's shocking, isn't it? When you get to that age, 73, you totter about, nobody

cares.

Wednesday, Thursday.

You'd do for another one on Saturday.

You know what? I wouldn't bank on it, Sid. It's a bit unreliable. Ah, forget

Forget it. I couldn't stand the suspense.

Cheer up, Sid. I mean, there's always next year, isn't there? By next year,

be having funny turns myself.

Well, look, I'll keep ringing around.

You will? Yeah, and as soon as I get any news, I'll let you know. You promise? I

promise.

Here we are, Sid.

Ah, cheers. Click your throat.

And the other one as well.

Hey, go on. Go on.

Oh, my God.

I said, do you like it?

No.

Who asked for your opinion?

I paid a lot of money for this hat. There's not another one like it. I

think so.

My new dress will go beautifully with it. As long as I'm not expected to go

it. Do you like it, Daddy?

What is this, National Hat Week?

I'm wearing it on Saturday.

I don't see why. You could have shared your mother's.

Saturday?

You forgot.

Forgotten? Of course I haven't forgotten.

Forgotten what?

The wedding.

Oh, the wedding.

Don't you think I've forgotten the wedding?

When is it?

Saturday.

This Saturday?

No, Saturday 1984.

Oh, you're all right. You've got 12 years. You'll get ready, haven't you?

Don't be funny.

Well, I think it's ridiculous.

I thought you believed in marriage.

I do believe in marriage. I just don't believe in weddings, especially when

we're on Saturdays.

get married on?

Well, that makes a lot of difference to me, doesn't it?

I'm expected to be there, aren't I? I'm expected to drop everything and get up

down there waving me bag of confetti around, eating 18 pieces of diabolical

cake.

Why don't they have it on a Thursday?

You work on Thursdays, Daddy.

Well, yes, but I have a lunch hour, don't I?

They can't cram their wedding into your lunch hour.

Why not?

I mean, all that happens is the fella says to the girl, will you? And she

I will. And he says to the fella, will you? And he says, I've got to. And

it.

Take that grotty hat.

It's the first sensible thing you've said for a fortnight.

Is it very heavy, Mum? Heavy? It took 20 men and a crane to get that on there.

You can insult me as much as you like. I am wearing this hat for the wedding.

Wedding? What wedding?

You've forgotten, too.

I thought he would. It's naturally typical, isn't it? Sit down. Here we go.

have I done now?

Just to refresh your non -existent memory, there is a wedding on Saturday.

You know what a wedding is, don't you?

It's a man and a woman and a preacher and a church full of ants just like your

mother's.

And what has that got to do with me, Dad?

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that? What's it got to do with him, he says?

I've never answered your stupid question in my life. I'll tell you what it's got

to do with you, son.

What has it got to do with him?

You are part of a family.

That's what it's got to do with you. That's it.

And one of us is getting married.

Which one?

Well, it's not your mother or me.

Don't look at me.

Well, it only leaves me.

Unless the budgie's got his plastic mate in trouble.

I know it is. You don't have to tell me.

As a matter of fact, I was looking at some presents yesterday.

I thought of buying one of those do -it -yourself welding kits with a giant blow

lamp. A do -it -yourself welding kit with a giant blow lamp is exactly what

sister's always wanted.

Your sister?

My sister, your sister -in -law, their auntie.

I thought there was only one wedding.

Well, I can't understand what people want to get married for anyway.

Well, it's obvious what people get married for, isn't it? You don't have to

married to do that these days, Daddy.

Sid.

Yeah? Why are you rushing to the telephone?

You usually let it go hoarse.

Who's rushing?

Hello, Trev. Oh, hello, Sid.

I'm still trying for that ticket, mate. I'm not having much luck.

I'm not having any luck myself. They want to drag me to a wedding on

Yeah. Hey, well, listen, Sid. Harry Miller's missus is expecting any minute.

Now, we might manage to get hold of his ticket if she works the schedule.

What's her schedule?

Well, like I said, any minute.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I mean, Harry Miller's wife's going to deliver a baby

any minute and he's got me pacing up and down. Yeah, well, don't worry, Sid. You

can depend on me.

All right, mate. Thank you very much. Ta -ra, Sid. All right, ta -ra. And just

make...

They checked in the phone.

They checked in the phone.

You said.

Did I? Oh.

Hmm.

Hmm.

What's that mean? Hmm.

It's the little noise that human beings make. It's spelt large m, little m,

little m, little m. The number of little m's indicate the intensity of hmm.

a morning suit.

Oh, blimey, we'll be back to the wedding again.

Well, I'm going and I don't really want to.

I'm going and I definitely don't want to.

And I really don't want to go and I'm definitely not going.

We'll find a top hat that will fit on that lot.

It's a lousy scene, this wedding. It's a drag.

I can't understand why they just don't give each other a flower and get married

that way.

The boy's right. He's absolutely right. These kids have got something. They're

not fools.

Why can't your sister and her fiancé just give each other a flower? It'll

take a minute.

Then they could be having their honeymoon on a park bench by one o

And I'd be home just in time.

In time for what?

To sit with my lovely wife.

And read your lovely paper and smoke your lovely pipe and enjoy your lovely

silence. Yes.

No, thanks. I prefer a lousy wedding.

Look, I have a lovely family.

I want to show you all off.

And so you shall show us all off. You're going to put on your new dress and your

new shoes and your new gloves and I'm going to buy you a brand new handbag.

Oh, darling.

And do you want to show yourself?

Take this family picture with you.

Thank you very much.

Darling, you know me. I don't like weddings.

You came two hours?

That's only because you were there.

Some men would welcome the opportunity to stand in a church and recapture it

all. Yeah, well, I'll do that when she gets married. To experience again that

special moment when life takes on a new and exciting meaning. Yeah, well, I'll

do that when he gets married.

I wish the wedding were on a Thursday. I'd far rather go to school.

I'd rather go anywhere.

Here's a pound. Go to the barber. Forget it. I'll go to the wedding.

So will I. Just to please you, Mummy.

Well, at least have thoughtful children.

Well, that's because they take after their father.

Does that mean you're coming too?

No. I take after my father.

Well, let me tell you something.

You are going to that wedding.

Surely there's one argument in this house that can win? Of course there is,

darling. Oh, thank you, Sid.

But not this one.

I am not going to that wedding.

Oh, Sid, for goodness sake, cheer up.

Cheer up?

Oh! Look at me. I'm like a prized twit.

I don't know what you're worried about. Everybody will look the same.

God help them.

Well, look, what kind of measurements did you take?

Well, I'm sure I can get it altered for tomorrow.

You must be joking.

How does this lot grab you?

It's grabbing me, all right.

Mike, you can't wear beads.

You've got to put a shirt on.

A shirt?

Yeah. Wear your Bugs Bunny vest.

He is wearing a shirt.

Just once in his life, he'll be dressed for the occasion.

Well, I put on my pyjamas, so I find out if I'll be dressed for the occasion.

Very funny. Stand up.

Turn round.

I want to see how you look from behind.

I know how I look from behind.

Deformed.

I don't think I can walk in these trousers. They do funny things to me.

Don't be ridiculous. Walk up there. Go on.

You too, Mike.

Eh? Oh, no, Mum.

Go on.

Now, turn round.

Come on, come back.

Back again. Now, wait a minute, Jim. This is not a mannequin parade.

Here comes Sidney and his wedding of the year ensemble.

I'll thump you.

We both look a bit happier.

What for? We don't even look human. You never did.

It's a wedding you're going to, not a funeral.

You'll be going to my funeral soon. I think the circulation's been covered.

You're always complaining.

I wouldn't mind, but I've done everything.

I ordered the suits, I bought the presents, I bought the car.

I know, I know. We've been very naughty and we don't deserve to go to the

wedding. Let's forget it.

You're right.

Let's forget it. Good idea.

Do you mind if I lie down? I'm suffering.

an argument.

Not now. Let's have it on Saturday instead of going to the wedding.

One more word out of you and I'm going to cram that top hat right down over

shoulder legs. Oh,

hello, Trevor.

I was just saying, don't they look elegant?

Oh, very nice.

You're being buried or cremated.

Come on, Mike, I'll find your shirt.

Come on, get me up here, quick.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

You got the tickets?

Oh, you can depend on your old mate.

Good old Trev. What happened? Did the old man have another one of these funny

tunes or did she have the baby?

No, it's a flu epidemic, isn't it? Jimmy Reynolds went down with it. Good old

Jimmy Reynolds.

So it's you and me on Saturday, mate.

Good old Arsenal.

We're proud to say your name. Hey, wait. Oh, sorry, Sid.

Hey, Sid, what are you going to tell June about tomorrow, then?

What am I going to tell her?

You said there's a flu epidemic.

Yeah, it's in all the papers.

A tissue.

Very good, Sid. But a little less on the tissue, a bit more on the shoe. Right

then.

Revolting. You think that's good? By tomorrow morning, matey, I'll be sitting

there surrounded by 12 doctors.

I'd better wake your father. He'll be late for the wedding.

Wake up, Sid.

I brought you a cup of tea.

Oh, it's a lovely day for a wedding.

I don't feel very well.

What do you mean you don't feel very well?

I feel ill.

What kind of ill?

What do you mean, what kind of ill?

Fairly ill, very ill, or very, very ill.

Oh, Jean, I'm scared.

I thought I saw myself standing in front of the pearly gates.

You've been dreaming.

Come on, drink your tea.

I'm too weak to hold a cup.

Don't be ridiculous.

There's nothing wrong with you but a perfectly healthy little cold. Oh, no,

could be worse. This could be a deadly fever.

All right, then, tell me your symptoms.

I've got earache, stomachache, headache, and those trousers have done me a

shocking mischief.

Have you got a sore throat?

No. Well, then there's nothing wrong with you, is there?

Come on, you'll be late for the wedding.

I can't go to the wedding in this condition.

Look at all the infection I'll be spreading.

Wouldn't be fair to the bride and groom.

How would you like to spend your honeymoon in bed?

I did.

That was good, wasn't it? Well, we're not talking about our honeymoon.

We're talking about this.

I've got to think of other people.

Well, then think about me. I want you to go.

What about my temperature?

What about it?

Well, it could be fatal if I get up in this condition. One blast of cold air

all you'd have left would be memories.

You're being dramatic again, Sid.

Who dramatic am I?

Feel my hand. Go on. Mind you, don't burn yourself.

Oh, Sid, you are ill.

Yes, you see, what did I tell you?

I'd better phone the doctor.

Oh, no, no.

Thank you.

No, Jean, don't phone the doctor now. One touch of that cold stethoscope on my

chest and I'll pass right away, Jean.

Well, darling, you get down under those covers. Thank you, yes.

The egg? The sheet's wet.

What have you done?

How dare you?

Put it back.

Hello? Is Dad drunk again?

We're going to be late for the wedding if we don't go now. What can we do?

Well, one thing is for sure.

We certainly can't take him in that condition.

And another thing's for sure. We certainly can't leave him in that

Mike, you take Sally to the wedding and I'll stay and look after Daddy.

No, no.

Did you say something, darling? No, no, Mum, no, it was me, it was me. I said,

no, you take Sally to the wedding and I'll look after Daddy. Yes, yes.

Come on, listen. You two split.

Go on, have a rave up. Enjoy yourselves.

Will you look after him? Stop freaking about it, Mum. I'll look after him. I'll

live in better in no time. Now, you take care, darling.

Come on, then.

Come on.

Oh, and drive carefully, won't you?

Well done.

That's blackmail.

More.

You've got criminal tendencies.

Yeah, you know where I get them from, don't you?

Yeah. Where are you going? To the pop concert. Good luck, mate. Have a good

time. And you, Dad. See you. Just remember, it was concussion and double

How are you darling?

Mike's gone to the doctor.

you have, I gave you the tickets.

No, no, that was before I said you keep them.

No, no, no, that was after I said to you, I will look after the tickets, and

said no, you lose everything, I'll look after the tickets. No, I didn't. I'll

tell you exactly what happened. I gave them to you, then you gave them back to

me again, and then I gave them to you, didn't I? So you have got the tickets,

see? I have not got the tickets.

Where the hell are they?

Well, you could have hidden them somewhere. So could you. Let's find

You go and search in your own bloody house.

The tickets are not in this house. Then they must be here. I'd pull the place

apart.

What do you want me to do, dig the drains up?

Well, that's not a bad idea.

I know where they are. Your Betty has taken them to the Chinese laundry. I've

told you, they've never been in our house. You haven't looked properly. I

haven't looked. I've only demonised me home, haven't I?

And I've had a row with Betty and I missed my lunch. What else do you want

do? Get another two tickets. Oh, you've got to be joking.

Jean! Come on, quick!

Quick.

Oh, for Christ's sake, look at you!

Oh, quick, run in there. Give it to me.

That's it.

Come on.

Here we go.

Oh,

hello,

Jean. I like your hat.

I wish I could return the compliment.

How are you feeling, darling?

I'm very lucky. It could have been a fracture.

Oh.

Is the wedding over?

Yes.

Oh, I feel much better.

Good.

Yes, I thought I might get up on my wobbly legs.

Yeah. I was going to take him for a little wobbly walk, wasn't I, Steve?

Get the roses back in my little wobbly cheeks.

Are you well enough to go out, darling?

Yes, I think I can manage a few steps. I've got a walking stick and something.

And me to lean on. Yeah.

Well, then, find your walking stick, lean on me, and we'll go to the wedding.

I thought you said the wedding was over.

No, only the service is over. The reception's just starting.

Oh. Come on.

That's it, isn't it? What are you going to do?

Watch her on a bloody telly.

Oh. Hey, Trev, Trev.

What was that?

My tummy.

What was that?

It ate my ticker.

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