Original subtitles

Oh, 25 seconds, I've got to find somewhere to speak.

VTR Thames 3979, part 1, take 1.

It's marvellous, isn't it? It's all I need on a Sunday morning.

What's wrong now?

Somebody's pinched the plug off the wash basin.

Well, it must be in there somewhere.

It is not in there.

Well, can't you plug it up with a piece of paper?

I did.

Oh, well, that's all right, then. It is not all right, then.

Why isn't it? Because the piece of paper I plugged it up with has gone down the

bunghole.

And it's blocked up the waste pipe.

Oh, Sid, it hasn't. It has. And I've got to spend my blooming day off unblocking

it. Oh, Sid, I'll get the plumber in.

I am quite capable of unblocking it myself.

Oh, I hate you doing the plumbing when you're in a bad temper.

I am not in a bad temper.

No, but you will be the minute you start.

I will be if you keep going on.

Oh, Sid, it's your day of rest. It's Sunday.

You must be joking.

Oh, God, that means that all day yesterday, he was banging away at those

of iron.

They're not lumps of iron to him. All those shapes have an inner meaning.

He's an artist, Sid.

Artists have to work when the inspiration moves them.

Well, why can't it be moved by something quiet?

Like oil painting or raffia work or something.

No, that wouldn't be any good. He'd plait his hair with a plait.

Why can't he do it in a plumbing garage?

It's warmer in his bedroom.

Yeah, it was last week when he set fire to it.

It was an accident.

Accident?

Accident? He was welding in there, welding in his bedroom.

Well, he's offered to buy a new curtain.

How can he? He never has any money.

Ah, yes, well, that's because you don't give him enough, isn't it?

I don't give a... Ow!

He's at his finger.

Oh, dear.

I hope.

Sid.

Just as long as the new people next door don't think I'm ill -treating him.

Well, they can't say anything. Our party didn't finish till three o 'clock and

they were still making a racket then.

Oh, love.

He only moved in yesterday.

I mean, people make a noise moving in.

And if he keeps that up, they'll be moving out again.

I wish you'd be more tolerant of Mike, Sid.

I mean, I wish you'd take an interest in what he's doing. I would if I knew what

he was doing.

Mummy, lend me a pair of tights. Would again?

Yes, I caught these on that barbed wire on the landing.

Barbed wire.

She's right.

Barbed wire?

There's a bloody great roll of it on the landing.

I tell you, I'm going to hide that boy.

Now, remember, be tolerant.

Tolerant? Yes.

Certainly.

Be tolerant.

Are you coming in, Dad?

No, no, just a small recce patrol.

Marvellous fortifications you've got out here.

Very well laid.

Well, you need a Bren gun on the stairs, a few landmines, and you're virtually

impregnable. What are you talking about?

Who are you expecting?

Nobody. Just as well, they'd never get through.

Oh, if you're going on about the barbed wire, don't worry, I'm going to bring it

in. I only brought it up for this.

Couldn't you put that in the garage?

Not without moving the car. And you've got the keys, I didn't want to wake you.

It's very considerate. Well, it's handy, and I know how you like a bit of a

line. Do you mind not banging that for a minute?

I thought I told you to do this in the garage.

I thought you just meant the welding.

Never mind.

Your mother told me that I shouldn't keep getting on at you because it'll

your development.

Gord only knows what it's stunt in the mind.

Nevertheless, I'll take her advice and I'll try to be more tolerant.

Oh, thanks a lot, Dad. All right. Stand back, please. Thank you.

What is it? It's an abstract.

It's an old bicycle frame.

I knew you wouldn't dig it. Oh, no, I've dug it. Oh, I've dug it.

It's an abstract bicycle frame.

What's it called?

Frontal nude protesting.

Frontal nude protesting.

Yeah. Excuse me.

Which is the front?

It's non -dimensional.

It's an abstract protest.

I know that.

I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?

What sex is it?

Sex? Yes, is it male or female, or hasn't it made up its mind yet?

Oh, Dad, you're wasting our time. You could look at this for a thousand years

and you wouldn't see what it was about.

I know what I have seen. What?

What?

Now, don't touch that. That's a vital part of it. Is it?

Well, it'll just have to manage without it, won't it? You've completely ruined

it, because that was its... That was its what?

Well, it was its sort of... All right, all right.

In that case, it really has got something to protest about.

protesting in the garage.

Have you seen them yet, Mum?

Seen who, dear? The new people from next door.

No, they moved in while we were out shopping.

Heard them, though. They were still banging nails into the wall long after

went to bed.

There they are.

Guess where I found it.

Where? Hanging on Michael and Joel's abstract bicycle.

It's not funny, Daddy.

done. Get away.

You've seen it, then, haven't you? Yes, and I think it's a masterpiece.

Then you know what it's supposed to mean?

Of course.

It's a protesting nude.

What else could it possibly be?

And that, Daddy, was a very important part of it.

At her age, do you think she ought to be looking at things like that?

Then it could corrupt her, you know. Oh, see.

Hey, what do you want for breakfast? Orange juice or Alka -Seltzer?

Very funny.

Mum?

Where are the matches? I thought I told you not to do any welding in your

bedroom. I'm not doing it in the bedroom. I'm doing it in the garage.

Don't you think it's time he bought his own matches?

Oh, leave him alone, please. Leave him alone?

You amaze me.

I smoke my pipe in bed, you stand over me with a bucket of water.

He wanders through the house with a flamethrower and you say, leave him

Don't fight.

All right, I won't say another word.

Just put the kettle on and make 12 cups of tea.

The fire brigade.

We want to keep them happy. We've got to keep them right.

Hey, there's a man staring in here.

Good luck to him.

He's coming up to the front door.

He's rung a bell.

You can't see what he wants. I can't go looking like this.

I don't look too good myself.

You'll never notice.

Oh, how do you do? How do you do? We moved in next door yesterday.

Oh, come right in.

Oh, you love it round here. Nice people.

I don't want to worry you, but I'd rather think your house is on fire.

Oh, my God, he's gone in again.

Gene, put the kettle on.

There's a shower of sparks coming from the garage.

Sparks? Any flames?

Well, I didn't see any flames, only sparks.

Oh, that's all right, then. All right, Gene, forget it.

It's my son. He's always doing it.

Sparking? No, welding.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'm sorry to have worried you. Not at all. I think it's very nice of you

to bother to come round and tell us. Well, actually, I was coming in anyway.

can't find where the main water turns on. Oh, that's right. You round it back.

I'll be with you.

Here we are. Come on, I'll show you. Oh,

just look at this place.

I hope your father's boozy friends enjoyed themselves.

Well, better get started, I suppose.

I'll just go upstairs and do my homework. Out of your way.

Oh, no, you're not getting out of it that way. Come on.

Oh, blimey, what a mess this room's in.

What have you been doing all this time?

What have you been doing all this time? You've been in there an hour.

Oh, he was putting up some pelmets, so I gave him a hand.

Hey, what are they like?

Sort of green with gold tassels.

No, the people.

Oh, the people.

Very nice.

They're coming in for a cup of coffee.

They're what?

I've asked them in to have a cup of coffee. When?

Oh, in about ten minutes.

But they can't. I mean, look at the face of the place.

Oh, it's better than theirs. They haven't even got any carpets down.

Sid, how can you do it? Just look at it. It's all right. I've told them it's

always a mucky beer on Sundays.

Thank you very much. Now what will they think of me?

Oh, blimey, they'll understand. I thought you'd like to meet them.

Oh, I could kill you.

Sal, you help your mother. I'll go make some coffee. No, you take the cigarettes

off the carpet and pick those bottles up. Oh, blimey, you'd think Prince

was coming.

Sidney. Yes, all right.

Sally, you come and help me in the hall. Somebody's trodden mud all over the

floor.

You go upstairs and get dressed, and I'll make some coffee.

Oh, Sid!

What's the matter?

I didn't get any coffee. I meant to get some. I forgot.

Well, don't panic. I'm about to buy some.

But, Sid, it's Sunday.

It's all right. The little place in Church Street is open.

Where's that gone tearing off to?

That little shop in Church Street. I forgot to get any coffee.

You won't get any there. Why?

Mum must be upstairs.

Well, you know, sit down and make yourselves at home. I've got a split I

left the flame on.

A split?

It must be the young man who's always setting the garage on fire.

It's smaller than our front room. Well, they're the same size houses.

No, it's the way they've done it up. I mean, the carpet's all wrong and I

wouldn't have chosen that wallpaper.

Shh, no big holes in the place.

Upstairs, you must admit it's a hideous carpet.

Quite good quality, though. Oh, no, darling, it's not. Look.

Very nice to have it.

Look at this lot.

She can't have cleaned the place out for weeks.

Darling, it's none of our business. We're only here for a cup of coffee.

Oh, I'm not sure if I fancy any. I hope she washes the cups.

Still, it seems a nice enough fellow. Oh, yes, it's we. I'm sure it's not his

fault they live in a pigsty.

Hello. Oh, hello.

I'm Sally.

I went out to borrow some coffee, but they didn't have any.

Would you mind tea instead? No, tea will be fine.

Shh, don't let them know I'm here. Why?

Oh, I can't tell you. I'll tell you later.

Look, if they want tea, make it in the fresh teapot on the sideboard. All

What a pity we've got no arsenic.

Hello? Oh, hello. Sally, I'll take it. Yes, please, Nick. I couldn't get any

coffee, sir. The place we usually get it was full of old boots.

That's all right, Daddy. I'll make some tea.

If you use that, make sure you wash it out, won't you? Why?

Well, there might be a couple of odds and ends in it.

You know how things accumulate.

Yes, well, I've just remembered I've left a joint in the oven. And I'm

a phone call. Oh, hang on a minute. You haven't had anything yet? Yes, well,

perhaps another time. How about a quick drink before you go? Just a minute. What

would you like?

Some scotch? Well,

thank you very much for having

us. Next time, you really must come to us. Yes.

Fedney, I want a word with you.

Didn't you bother to get dressed for him? Didn't I bother?

He's not looking around in a dressing gown. No wonder he would.

You should have heard what she said.

I have.

You've told me 18 times.

And asked for a husband, if he is her husband.

It's probably some dropout she picked up at a pop concert.

That wouldn't surprise me either.

And what was she doing looking under the carpets anyway?

They probably thought we had hash under there.

Hash?

It's obvious, isn't it? They're both on the drugs.

And that wouldn't surprise you either.

Well, now that we've completely destroyed their character, do you mind

a short tip? I'm worn out.

Oh, God. That's not our son. That's your precious friends from next door.

Why the big hate? They're nice people.

Well, you needn't expect me to be friendly with them. Well, you don't have

row with them.

I don't mind rowing with them. Give me half a chance and I'll tell her just

I think of her.

It stopped.

I've noticed.

That's nice.

That's lovely, that is.

It's a nice neighbourly gesture.

Have you gone raving mad? Stop!

Well, that's in case they start again.

You know what you've done, don't you? You have just declared open war.

Good. Now, every time we make a noise, they'll bang on our wall. And that will

go on for the next 20 years.

There's somebody at the door now.

Hello, I'm sorry about the noise if we disturbed you.

Oh, no, you didn't disturb me. I was only on the phone.

Well, I think we disturbed somebody. Is your mother in? Yes. Come in. I'll fetch

her. Thank you.

Go in. Thank you.

Sorry about that. I'll be over in two minutes.

Mummy, the lady from next door wants to see you. She's downstairs.

You've done it now, haven't you?

Done what?

Really annoyed her.

Why should I annoy her? I've never even spoken to the woman.

You banged on her wall.

Well, she couldn't have come about that.

Of course she couldn't.

Could she?

Why don't you go down and find out?

Me? Why should I find out? I've never even spoken to her.

You wanted to have a row with her. Now's your chance.

I wanted to row with her.

how you can lie there and say such things.

I beg your pardon, it seems I got it all wrong.

Yes. Well, I'm glad that's cleared up.

Sidney? Sidney! Oh, God, what?

Well, aren't you going down to see what she wants?

Why me?

Well, you're the man of the house and you know her. I mean, you were in there

for hours.

I have come here to have a blooming kip and I'm going to have a blooming kip.

she knows I'm here. Who?

Your mother.

Oh, yeah, she'll be down in a minute. Don't worry about her.

Now, look, if you go round the other side, you can see how I was influenced

Picasso. Oh.

What's the matter? I've got caught up.

Oh, well, turn round.

No, that's worse.

Oh, well. Don't leave it. You'll tear it. I'll do it. Don't panic.

I'll get you out of it soon.

Sidney, go and see what she wants.

You're not asleep.

Oh, don't be so rotten.

Oh, God.

Blimey, they're marvellous.

You stir everything up and I've got to go down and apologise.

Why should you apologise? They started it.

Look, you tell them we've lived in this house 19 years and we've never had any

trouble with neighbours until they moved in. I see. And you can tell them from

me that I think it's a cheat that they use an electric drill on a Sunday

afternoon. And you can tell them if they do it again, we'll complain to the

council. I see. And what's more, you can tell them that if they want to be

awkward, we can be awkward too. And you tell them...

I've got a better idea.

What? You tell them.

Well, all right, then. You say what you think best.

Thank you for your confidence.

Well, you're not going like that, are you?

What's the matter with me?

Well, look, your trousers are all baggy.

I'll have to take it off.

You can't do that.

Hey, supposing somebody comes in? Supposing my mum comes in? I've been

20 minutes and she hasn't come in yet.

I've also had 20 minutes of you attacking old -fashioned morality and

prudishness. Yeah, but that was different.

I'm going to the garage to see if I can get a pair of pliers.

Who? The woman from next door. Oh, that woman.

Why, how many women have you had in there?

None. I mean, I didn't have her in here. Oh, I mean, she was here, but she went.

Oh, it's just as well you should have heard what your mother was saying about

her. No.

Now what?

No, I don't want to hear what Mum was saying about her.

She just about called me. No!

What's the matter with you?

You taking a fancy to her or something? No.

Sounds like it, the way you're protecting it. Excuse me. Where are you

I want to make myself a cup of tea. That's all right, I'll make it for you.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

You're offering to make me a cup of tea? Yeah, go on, you go upstairs and I'll

bring you up a cup of tea on a tray to you and Mum with buttered toast and

scones.

What have you got in the kitchen?

Nothing.

You're joking, aren't you? You can't be me, matey, I know you.

You've been welding in there. No.

I told her about this and she was hooked.

Hooked? She couldn't help it.

Are you trying to tell me that this heap of rusting junk has a hypnotic effect

on women?

Oi, it's not a heap of rusting junk.

All that happened was I told her what it was about and she knew what I was

after. Naturally.

Obvious, isn't it, son?

Come here.

Now, I don't want to preach morals. I mean, far be it from me to judge

but... I mean, if you want to spread your wings, you know. I mean, if you

like you'd like to have a bit of... But not with married women.

Especially married women who live right next door.

I mean, I've heard of your own doorstep, but this is ridiculous.

I've heard quite enough. Would you mind giving me my shirt back?

What have you done with her shirt?

I put it somewhere and I don't know where.

Whatever you think. I couldn't help it. I just got hooked on this.

I understand. Believe me, I understand.

After all, I am a human being, you know.

Yeah, we're all full of human frailties and weaknesses.

I mean, I know there's a caged animal inside all of us waiting to get out.

But if his mother finds out, she'll murder him.

What have you done with his shirt?

I can't remember.

See what you've done to him? He can't remember.

Uh... Hang on a minute. I'll get you a coat or something.

No, no, she's gone.

Well, she's here, isn't she? No, she's there, but she's gone.

Oh. I found this.

Found what? Nothing. He hasn't found anything at all.

What's going on?

I can handle it, darling. Don't you worry.

What have you been up to? Nothing. I haven't been up to anything.

Nothing?

Well, she couldn't help it, and it wasn't me.

I suppose you'll be telling me next it was Mike.

I wouldn't say it was Mike.

But I wouldn't care if they owned up.

What are you doing like that?

I couldn't help it.

Apparently, it wasn't Sid.

It was mine.

What the hell have you done to my wife?

How long have you been married?

Well, what business is that of yours? Now, go on. How long have you been

married? How dare you? Don't you shout at me, moose.

We've only had the answer until you moved in next door.

Now, stop it, you two. Sidney, explain yourself properly.

Yeah.

See? She couldn't help it.

This will come as a bit of a shock to you, but your wife's a bit kinky about

bicycle frames.

Thank you.

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