Original subtitles

30 seconds.

20 seconds, VTR 3978, part

one, take one.

um um

Anything for the wash?

Yeah, that's him. The tall one.

He stole the money.

Pushed a man over the cliff.

Set fire to the warehouse.

Smangled a redhead.

How do you make that up, Dad?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? He's got close -set eyes.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, you know what they say about people with close -set eyes? You can't

them. Your eyes are close -set, Daddy.

Oh, yeah, well.

And he's got more room on his face, hasn't he?

I mean, if mine were set any further apart, they'd be round here.

And look like a blooming horse, wouldn't they?

You collected for the Salvation Army, yes, sir?

I'm trying to get the washing done.

Well, this time of night, you've had all day to do it. That's what you'd like to

think, isn't it?

I suppose it never occurs to you I might have something I'd rather do.

Well, I bought you an automatic washing machine so you'd have nothing to do.

Oh, yes. And the washing machine walks its way merrily upstairs, takes the

sheets off the bed, washes, irons them and puts them back.

And the toaster butters its own toast.

And the carpet cleaner, that sweeps itself around very merrily. And the

leap into the sink.

Oh, and another thing. Yeah?

Supper will be late. The cook has gone out for some sausages.

What a house. There's no peace.

Honestly, you're all so useless.

There I am, Tim. That's a murder.

You had to be with a place like that.

This is a newsflash. That's Reginald Bozenkett.

Oh, I watch a bloomin' thing anyway.

It never changes.

Even the bloomin' commentators wear the same suit. News in, news out.

Anyway, you were wrong about the murder, Dad. I was not wrong, matey. I've seen

enough of these movies. I'll bet you five to one that I'm right. You lost.

What do you mean, I've lost?

The tall man with closer eyes was killed while you were looking for your

handkerchiefs.

Oh, wow.

I was put off by the newsflash.

Well, here's another newsflash.

Yes? Mrs. Jean Abbott, known to millions of viewers by... I heard tatty slippers

and plastic washbowl has got a job.

A job?

Yes, a job.

A what job?

That's right.

What do you want a job for?

I feel I need a status, a position.

You've got a position and you're facing the sink.

Well, I don't like the view.

I'm going to work in a bookshop. Whereabouts, ma 'am? In Soho.

Soho? A bookshop in Soho?

Well, what's wrong with that?

I've been in a... I know about those things.

And I am not having my wife working in one.

Oh, see.

No, I don't want any arguments. I'll follow them in and tell them I'm not

coming. What's the name of the place?

The SPCK Bookshop. Yeah, even the initials are kinky.

The Society for the Promotion of Christian Knowledge.

Very kinky.

Never mind about the sarcasm.

Think of the advantages, Daddy. I'll be able to borrow books.

Yeah, and I could borrow money.

think about it themselves.

What about me?

What do I have for breakfast?

Scrambled paperbacks?

Well, that all depends, darling, on whether or not you're up in time to cook

them. Just sit down. Sit down.

Now, listen to me, all of you.

Do I give you enough money?

Yes, darling. Right. Do I keep you in clothes?

Yes, darling. And isn't it fair to say that I pay all the bills, accept all the

responsibilities, keep her in blazers, him in beds?

Yes, darling.

speaking seat that you have nothing to worry about?

Yes, darling.

Right. Then why do you want to get a job?

No, I can have something to worry about.

I just can't understand it.

Othello is happily married to her wife. For 20 years, suddenly she starts to

behave like a woman.

She's not just a woman, Daddy. She's an intelligent woman. She wants to extend

herself. In a bookshop in Soho?

Haven't you heard of emancipation? Fanny Pankhurst and all that?

So what do you want to do next? Chuck yourself under a milkman's horse?

Well, you could join the Women's Liberation and throw away your bra.

No, no, it's enough of that.

I must think I'm raving mad that my wife go out to work like a fella.

I'm not a member of the dockers' union yet.

Oh, it won't be long, though, will it?

Oh, what?

It'll be a gas.

Hey, Dad, can't you imagine lots of female dockers wandering around

things in frilly boiler suits?

It would just suit you, wouldn't it?

You're not going.

It's all arranged. Well, just unarrange it. Oh, Daddy, think of the extra money.

It isn't the money that's important.

There you go, Dad. Mum can have her job and you can have her wage packet.

This is not a joke.

I happen to be the boss in this house, so what I say goes.

Whoops. Sorry, Dad.

We have a reasonably happy existence in this house, a reasonably happy life, in

spite of the opposition.

And I still haven't heard one good reason why things should change.

Me? I'm a good reason. As I was saying, I still haven't heard one good reason

why things should change.

I've got to get out of this domestic...

You'll have me.

That's what I mean.

Don't get too excited about it, will you? Oh, it isn't that, darling. It's

that I'm tired of housework.

So who's going to do it? You're not going to rely on these two, are you?

They'll do their share.

You must be joking.

She's always busy doing her own work, or says she is.

And as for mophead here, he hasn't even found out where the kitchen sink is yet.

Well, it's all arranged. I've got someone to come in.

You what?

Are we having an au pair?

Hey, a really groovy Scandinavian? We're having a daily help.

A strange woman coming in here cleaning my house?

What about my privacy?

Well, you don't usually walk around stark naked between the hours of nine

five.

Not usually, but I might.

I mean, the old bloomin' thing's ridiculous.

Remember that last cleaning woman we had?

She was using all my underpants, mopping up the front step.

leaving them on the bedroom floor, wouldn't you? I will not have a woman

coming in here.

Have you seen the one I've got next door?

Well, she cleans the house. She's all right.

All right?

She's ferocious.

I must have got her from Whipsnade.

I shook hands with her once. My arm went dead for a week.

Well, they're not all like that. What about the one we had when Mummy had flu?

She used to bring me all those smashing books on sex.

Oh, that's very nice, that is.

I liked her.

He liked her.

He never even saw her.

She wanted danger money to go into his room.

Oh, Sid, please.

Get up. Come on. I want my supper. That's enough.

Oh, man, you're so untogether, you know.

I'm so what?

Squaresville, Dad. You're really Squaresville.

He's trying to communicate.

He's just saying it's your old -fashioned.

Squaresville.

Squaresville or not, I'm still your Dadsville. Your mother is not going.

And the other one is not coming. A woman's place is in the home. And what I

to... Oh, God.

Sid. Yes?

You're the master in this house. Thank you.

But please set the alarm for seven o 'clock. I mustn't be late for work.

A fat lot of blooming help you two were.

I must go. I'll be late.

Now, Sally's doing the sausages.

There's nothing for you to do because the woman will be in any minute.

Well, can't you wait till she gets here?

No, I haven't time.

You can show her where everything is and make her comfortable.

Give her some coffee and some biscuits, and there's cold chicken for her lunch.

What about my lunch?

You know I'm working at home today.

Oh, there's leftovers in the fridge.

Good luck, Mummy.

Yeah, all the best, Mum.

Thank you.

Well, aren't you going to say anything?

Yes, I don't like leftovers.

Is that all?

What else do you want me to say?

Well, you could say, mind how you go.

Well, you're only going to sell a few books. You're not sailing single -handed

round the horn.

Well, I'll see you tonight, then. Yes.

Look, you've got to pick these up from the shop.

Five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of carrots, a couple of onions, a collie.

Now make sure it's firm in the middle.

See if we need any eggs. I think we're out of sugar. And if the milkman comes,

we own for two weeks. Bye.

Bye.

Oh, God.

Cheer up, Dad. Have some breakfast.

Yeah, I'm ready for it.

Daddy? Yes?

having coffee for breakfast.

What happened to the bangers? Well, they sort of merged with the pan.

I could scrape them off. No, no, no. Don't scrape anything off. Just pour the

coffee. If that's not burnt. Oh, no.

It's just empty.

I should have stayed in bed.

Well, I'm off.

Off? Where are you going?

Well, the Students' Union have got a committee meeting this morning. Have

And what startling, history -shattering codswallop are you getting up to today,

then? We're blowing up the Houses of Parliament, Dad. No, Mike, I can't with

you. No, he can blow them up on his own. Stay here.

Daddy, I've got to go to school. Oh, not today. Don't leave me here by myself.

Don't worry. There aren't any bogeymen.

Well, at least one of you can wait till she gets here.

Well, I've got to go into school to copy my homework.

Copy your homework?

Yes. Wendy and I take it in turns to do it.

Bye -bye, Daddy.

Bye -bye.

Good luck with your daily, Dad. Thank you very much.

Isn't it marvellous, leaving me here on my tod?

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you were here as well.

It's all right for you. You got it made.

All you've got to do is hop up and down your little ladder, ding your little

bell, stuff yourself full of millet, and that's it.

There she is.

There she's going to be good.

All right, Blimey, I'm coming.

Bloody old crow.

Good morning.

Please. Oh, please, yes, come right in.

I am Senorita Juanita Lope.

Yes, I can see that, yes.

And you are Mr.

Albert? Yes, yes, I'm Mr. Albert. I am coming for the job.

you are wanting me, I'll be

I am finished, Dr. Tell.

Good. Kappa? Please?

Rosie Lee.

Rosie Lee? Is your wife?

Rosie Lee, tea.

Rosie Lee, tea. Sounds like a Chinese lady.

Wish I hadn't started.

Please? No, no, sit down, please.

Grazie. Yeah.

I am sorry I am not speaking much the English. Oh, no, it's very good. It's

better than my Spanish.

Have some sugar.

Thank you.

It's snippy, isn't it?

Please?

Parky.

All right.

No, no, no, it's not your fault. You speak English very good.

Mucho, mucho good on you.

Where are you from?

You,

Spain, España, you, Hacienda.

Madrid.

Madrid. Nice little place, all that weather.

Madrid.

Di Stefano.

Please. Di Stefano, Real Madrid, football.

Bobby Charlton.

Bobby Moore.

Nobby Stiles.

Please.

Have your tea while it's hot.

Mr. Abbott, what about the dishes?

Oh, I've done the dishes.

What about the potatoes?

I've peeled all the potatoes, done the ironing, and all the tidying up.

You're a very naughty boy.

No, no, cut it out.

But it is me, Juanita, who should do the working.

Good on the job.

Yes.

Well, I mean, I can tell, can't I? You cooked me a marvellous meal, didn't you?

Oh, you like my paella.

Oh, yeah, fantastico.

Tomorrow, I do for you the chicken with pimento, the wine sauce and the garlic.

Oh, bloody, I love garlic.

Now, I must go in.

Yes, yes. Well, you know what they say? If you've got to go in, you've got to go

in.

Well, uh, Sid, I just... Aye, aye.

Oh, it doesn't matter, Sid.

I'll just come out and borrow a pint of milk. No, come in, come in. No, no, it

can wait, you know. Come here, come here.

It's our cleaning lady.

Cleaning lady?

She comes from Spain.

Oh, Spain.

Sí. De Stefano.

Bobby Moore. Oh, I love it.

We've been through all that.

Adios, mi amigo.

Amiga, see, that's Spanish.

You're calling me your friend. Oh, sure she is.

Mañana, you must not be a naughty boy like you were a naughty boy today.

Naughty boy. Oh, shut up.

Mañana. Mañana.

Mañana. It's Spanish, that mañana.

Yeah. Yes, well, she's been doing all the... I'll get the message, Sid. You're

just naughty friends.

Drink your tea. Oh.

Oh, well, Brian, it's cold.

Oh, well, that was hers. She didn't get round to it. Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Bill, what's she doing here, anyhow?

She's a stripper.

No.

No. She's here to do the cleaning. Jean's gone out to work.

What do you mean? Jean's gone out and left you here with her?

God, Brian, if our cleaning lady looked like that, better you'd have me

doctored.

I tell you, she's here to do the washing up and the cleaning and that's it.

Blimey to me, do you anybody think you had been doctored?

I don't know what you're on about. She's foreign, isn't she?

Yeah. Well, blimey, you never know where she's been.

She could have been in quarantine, for all I know.

In any case, I'm a one -woman man.

Well, so am I a one -woman man.

One at home, one at the office.

And one floating.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, Sid.

Next time I come round, Should I phone first? You'll get that over the head in

minute, amigo. Go on.

Ta, Sid. How do you do? You've done very well for yourself, Sid. Thank you very

much. Very well. Hello.

Hello!

Can I tell you what, Sid? Yes? You look lovely in your pinny. Oh, shut up!

Yeah, you shut up too. Get your beak cut.

Hello, darling.

Hello. Didn't hear you coming. How'd it go?

Oh, all right. How was your date?

Oh.

Not bad, not bad.

What's the cleaner like?

More like any other cleaner.

She's foreign, I think.

Where's she come from?

I didn't pay much attention.

Madrid, she said, I think.

Well, wherever she comes from, she can't peel potatoes.

Have you seen these? They look like mothballs.

Yes, well, the Spanish are better at peeling onions, aren't they?

Is this first to be ironed? I thought she did that very well.

Considering the state of her hand.

What's wrong with her hand?

Well, you know, all that clapping at bullfights and things.

She's supposed to tidy up. Have you seen this place? It's awful.

Well, it is difficult, but she's got bad feet as well.

Feet as well?

Yes, it's all that snapping about, you know.

Well, what's she like exactly?

Oh, like?

I mean, how old is she?

Medium.

What do you mean, 30, 40, 50?

Yes, about that.

Is she married?

I didn't actually ask her all her private business, you know. She did

daughter. Two daughters she's got.

Oh, how old are they?

I didn't really get round to that. She's sort of run out of English.

Well, I'd better get you a supper. You must be starving.

Starving? I'm popping with paella.

Hello, darling.

Oh, you smell of garlic.

Garlic? How'd that happen? We only shook hands.

Housework, I suppose?

I thought we were supposed to have someone in here to clean.

So did I.

Looks as if the World Cup's been played in there.

Your father's just been telling me how she's an ageing Spaniard with two

daughters to support.

I'll get it, ma 'am.

do you do?

Does your mother like it here?

My mother?

Well, she and my bread.

Let's face it, her mother doesn't like it here.

I am coming for my handbag, that is all.

You've been here before? Of course, I am the cleaning woman.

Who are you, please?

I'm Mrs. Abbott. Ah, you are Rosie Lee.

While you are not here, I do for Mr. Abbott what you do for him.

Very nice man.

I say to him, I here to do the work, he no let me.

I see.

He say to me, you go up the stairs.

And I say to him, but Mr.

Abbott, you get me into trouble.

Yes, well, we won't go into details.

There's your handbag.

He lied to me.

Oh, Mummy, what's one little lie?

If she's an ageing Spaniard, I'm Malcolm Muggeridge.

I'm sure it wasn't Daddy's fault.

I mean, it's not that unusual for girls to fancy men Daddy's age.

After all, what about you and the milkman?

What about me and the milkman?

Well, you do take rather a long time bringing in one pint of milk, and most

that goes back in the milkman's cup of tea.

Yes, but I don't lie to you, Father, do I?

I mean, I haven't said that the milkman's a Chelsea pensioner with a

cart to support.

You're not going to shout at him, are you, Mummy?

No, I won't shout at him. I suppose you're right.

A man your father's age needs reassurance.

And he ought to be able to find it in his own home.

You didn't eat much breakfast, dear.

Didn't do badly.

Sid? Hmm?

You're nice.

I'm pretty with it.

You know, it's a very natural thing for people to be attracted to people.

Your observation's a bit late, isn't it? We've been married 20 years.

Yes, I was just thinking about that.

20 years is a long time to be attracted to somebody, isn't it?

I mean, it would be perfectly natural if we weren't.

And then, of course, we'd be attracted to somebody else, wouldn't we? And I'd

forgive you, and you'd forgive me, and we'd be attracted to each other again.

What are you rambling on about?

Have you been reading Marjorie Proops again?

No. No, it was just that I was trying to make the point that, well, sometimes

the excitement of marriage wears off a bit.

And you and I are both adult human beings. And we must learn to cope with

whatever happens if we're to survive.

Survive what?

Well, marriage... of course.

What's happened to make you think it's not going to survive?

Nothing yet.

Would you like some more coffee? No, thank you.

I think I will.

Nothing yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hi, Dad.

Oi. What?

If your girlfriend said to you, nothing yet, what would you think?

I'd think I was going to get nothing yet.

Oh.

from you a stupid answer.

It's never stupid questions. It all depends what happened beforehand, eh?

right, look.

If she said it's only natural for people to be attracted to other people, what

would you think then?

I'd think she got another fella.

That's what I thought.

Your mother just said that to me.

Of course. If the worst came to the worst, you could always divorce him.

Well, don't be silly. What would that get me?

Alimony?

Divorce, eh? What good would that do me?

Well, you'd get custody of the kids for a start, wouldn't you? That's what I

said. What good would that do me?

If you're so unhappy about it, why don't you have it out with him?

I think I will.

I can't understand why you just don't have it out with her, Dad. I will. I

Jane!

Good luck, Mummy.

Good luck, Dad.

Jane,

I, uh... I've been thinking about what you said.

Have you, dear?

Yes, about the excitement going out of marriage and all that.

And you're right.

I am? Yes.

And if you think you've got something you ought to be ashamed of, I want you

know right now I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Yes. I've done nothing wrong. You're the one who's done something wrong.

What have I done wrong?

You've got to have somebody to do something wrong with, haven't you?

I mean, who have I got?

Senorita Juanita.

Anita, the only thing we've got in common is football.

Football? Yes, you know, Bobby Charlton, all of them, she knows them all.

But you told me she was an ageing Spaniard with bad hands and bad feet

Only because I didn't want you to be jealous, that's all.

I've never been jealous in my whole entire life.

Go on, forgive her.

She's got to go.

Of course she has.

I will go!

And so is he.

Thank you.

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