Original subtitles

Here we go. 30 seconds, we start making television.

VTR 3750, part 1, take 1.

15 seconds.

Kind regards, yours, et cetera, et cetera. And that's the lot. Thank you,

One other thing, Bridget. Will you phone the Dorchester and book a double room

for tomorrow night for my wife and myself? It's our wedding anniversary and

we're spending the night in town. Right, sir. And don't mention it to anyone.

It's a surprise.

Yes, sir. Right, well, I'm going over to accounts.

When Abbott comes in, don't let him disappear. I want to see him. Yes, sir.

Guess who?

Steve McQueen.

No, but you're getting warmer.

How do you fancy a quick burn -up on the M1 tonight?

Don't fancy to walk back, thanks.

That's very funny, that. You're happy.

Well, why not? I've had a good day. It's an exciting job, you know, travelling

to all the far -flung outposts of the British Isles. Which far -flung outpost

have you been today, then?

The glue factory at Neasden.

What have they done?

What have they done?

Write sticky labels.

Oh, what a little comet you are.

By the way, J .G. wants to see you.

Pardon? J .G. wants to see you.

Is he querying my expenses again?

Didn't say.

He's getting on my wick, you know that?

I mean, he sits on his fat bottom in that chair, sends us out, we flog

to death, and all he can do is grumble about our expenses.

I'll tell him a few things one day. I will tell him exactly what I think of

Oh,

J .G., ooh.

Looking very smart.

Very dapper, isn't he?

Well, don't just stand here. It's not good for you. Come and sit down.

You don't know.

Never stand when you can sit.

Comfy? Yes. I'm off.

Yes,

come back and sit down.

If it's about my weekly expenses, I can explain it.

It was a type of salary. It should have been £23, not £28.

Oh, thank you. Well, I'll get that altered.

But, however, I didn't want to ask you about your expenses.

Oh. Well, if it was a company car, I can explain that as well. I admit, I did

take it to Wolverhampton last Saturday.

Well, Chelsea were playing away, see.

I'll pay for the mileage.

Oh, excellent. Well, I'll make a note of that. However, I didn't want to ask you

about the company car. It wasn't that.

It wasn't? No.

Oh, well, let's have a few more of these useful chats. Who knows what else I may

find out.

What was it you wanted to see me about, then?

I take it you're finished for the day now.

Finished? Me?

Five o 'clock.

You know me, J .G.

Always at it. What you do with your private life is no concern of mine.

No, no. I didn't mean that. I've got to go to Watford, then Reislip, then all

the way down to Bognor. I mean, I probably won't be home till about ten o

tonight. I see. Well, there's something I want you to do for me. Yeah, well,

none of mine's very urgent. Good. Well, tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.

Congratulations.

Twenty -five years.

A milestone.

A millstone.

We all have our ups and downs, don't we?

You've never met my wife, have you, Abbott? No, no, I've never had the

It's no pleasure, I assure you.

It can't be that bad. Worse.

However, I bought her a mink jacket and I want you to pick it up and take it

home with you tonight and then bring it back to the office tomorrow morning.

A mink jacket?

Blimey, that must have set you back a few bucks. Well, it's an investment,

Abbott, to help make the next 25 years bearable.

Now, I want you to take the greatest possible care of it because it costs

Don't you worry about the thing, J .G. I'll keep it in my house. Good.

Excuse me, sir. Ah, my dear, did you get the room?

I thought you were going to... Oh, it's all right in front of there, but it's my

wife who mustn't know.

Yes, sir, a double room at the Dorchester.

There you go.

Charming girl.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing?

A double room at the Dorchester?

Oh, that.

On your wedding anniversary?

Yes, well, I do it twice a year, once on my wedding anniversary and once at

Christmas.

Well, that shouldn't tire you out too much, will it?

Twice a year is quite enough.

Yes, well, for some reason, I think you're making a big mistake, Daisy. I

not that she isn't a little cracker. I mean, we all fancy, we all like her,

but... Yeah, I think she's a bit young for you.

Abbott! I understand. I'm not pointing the finger. These things happen.

But she could find out.

Who could find out what?

Your millstone could find out what. I mean, especially in a public place like

the Dorchester.

If you really fancy a bit on the side.

A marvellous little place just outside Maidstone that the boys told me, yes.

No questions asked, and the receptionist isn't too blooming bad himself.

You must understand, I'm not after a little bit on the side, and I'm not

to seduce my secretary.

I am spending the night with my wife.

Oh!

Wow, that's different, isn't it?

Sit down, it's all right.

Yes, I mean, you see, when she came in and she said the double room, I

assumed, I mean, you being the fellow that you are, and your wife being what

you...

Where shall I pick up the mink?

Molly? Yes, dear?

Do you believe in premarital relations?

I beg your pardon?

She said, do you believe in premarital... I heard what she said.

Well, do you?

No, I do not.

Why not?

They do it all the time in Sweden.

We're not in Sweden.

Did you and Daddy have premarital relations, darling?

Well, it says here that 70 % do, 25 % don't, and 5 % don't know.

Where did you get a book like that?

In your bedroom.

Must be a father's.

Can I have it back?

No, you can't. You're too young.

Now ask Daddy if he wants soup or grapefruit. He's upstairs.

Isn't it great?

Some days I'm too young and other days I ought to know better at my age.

Psst. Where's your mother?

Alope with the Coleman.

Serves him right.

Where is she? She's in the kitchen.

Don't go away. Stay there.

Have you remembered to buy your mother a birthday present? Oh, yes. We bought

her a twin set.

Between us. Pale blue.

Sally chose it. Might pay for it.

You paid for it?

You dipped it to your own pocket?

I don't believe it.

Where did you get the money?

Well, I actually didn't pay for it. How did you actually buy it?

Well, actually, I charged it to your account.

Thank you very much.

back, Daddy. You'll pay me back, yes. That'll be the day. What did you get,

and Dad?

As a matter of fact, I am going to buy a bath for the budgie.

Am I interrupting anything?

No, no, no. We're just talking. What about?

Oh, nothing.

Did you ask Daddy? You mean whether you and he have pre -marital... No!

What was all that?

Nothing, dear.

Do you want soup or grapefruit?

I don't mind. Soup.

Soup. Thank you.

Come on, Dad. Your turn. I've decided to get...

A bigger cage.

You know.

Um, tomato or mulligatawny?

Ah, I don't mind. Up to you. No, you say.

Um, mulligatawny.

Don't you like tomato?

Well, I... I don't mind tomato, all right.

You just said mulligatawny.

Yeah, well, I don't really care. You know, it's up to you. Whatever you like.

Mulligatawny, then.

Mulligatawny, then.

Come on, Daddy. The suspense is killing me. I've decided to get her... Sid! ...a

little ball she can push along with her beast.

to be tomato.

Right, lovely. I love tomato.

But I can go out and get a can of mulligatawny if you prefer. No, no, no,

no. Tomato's very nice, thank you. Tomato'll be very good. Right.

Sorry I didn't settle for grapefruit now.

Quickly, Dad, before she comes back. I am going to buy her a nightie.

Daddy, how sexy!

Never mind about that. Go on.

Go and see if your mother's all right. Keep her busy because I've got a little

problem here.

Listen, Dad, you're going to have to hurry up for birthday tomorrow morning.

know, mate. I'm going to Harvey's. They're staying open late tonight.

only one problem. I don't know your mother's bus size.

Why don't you ask her? That's right. Spoil the surprise, you fool.

I've got a bra here, but there's nothing on it.

The lighting's gone.

You can measure it.

That's a good idea.

This is not going to be so easy, you know. Why not?

Well, it's empty, isn't it?

And how can I measure it properly if there's nothing in the things?

I'm afraid so, madam.

Oh, well, I'll try one or two on in the fitting room.

Certainly, madam.

Thank you.

I, uh... I'd like a nightdress.

Certainly, sir.

It's not for me.

It's for my wife. Of course, sir. What size bust?

Well, uh... I don't really... Medium?

I'm afraid you'll have to be a little bit more explicit than that, sir.

More explicit.

Well, how does she compare with me?

Uh... Not quite so much.

A little less.

More like this, then.

It's a little more than that.

Hang on, hang on.

I say, exercise.

Now, what type did you have in mind?

Thin. Thin? Very thin.

Very thin?

Thin.

Material. Thin material.

Oh, you mean see -through.

Do I?

Yes, sir.

That's it, yes.

See -through. I'll just go and get one or two to show you. Thank you very much.

There's a mirror in the fitting room. Pardon?

If you want to straighten your tie. Oh.

Thank you.

Why didn't you think of all this last night?

Because I didn't want to crease it, did I?

Well, you didn't think of that when you tried it on 17 times. Never mind.

Hurry up with the card and put some kisses on it.

She's coming. Quick.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear mum.

Happy birthday to you.

Why didn't you say something, Dad?

I couldn't get a word in, could I? She was all over me.

Daddy, you should have told her. Not in the kitchen, thank you.

There's too many weapons about, like bread knives and things.

Well, what are you going to do?

I'll have to get it back from her, won't I?

Ta -da!

Aren't you going to work this morning?

Yes, yes, I'm going to work.

I've got to twist it. I'm sorry.

It's warm in here, isn't it?

Very hot.

Oh, scorching.

Aren't you hot with that thing on?

No, I'm never going to take it off.

In fact, I might even go to bed in it tonight. I still think you shouldn't be

wearing it in the kitchen. It's dangerous to wear it in the kitchen.

I would hate anything to happen to that. I mean, it could catch fire on the

cooker, get caught up in the waste disposal unit.

Sid, anybody would think you want it back.

I do.

I don't. What Daddy means is he wants to take it back to get it insured. Yeah,

that's what Daddy means.

You should have it insured, Mum. Of course you should.

Oh, well...

Where's the box, darling? Upstairs.

I'll put it in. That's a good girl.

So far, so good.

But I will get it back tonight, won't I?

Daddy, you've got to tell her the truth. I will tell her the truth. When?

When she's ready for the truth.

Good morning, Bridget. Good morning, sir. You're early.

I'm expecting my wife this morning.

Can I take your coat?

No, thank you, my dear.

And not senile.

Morning. What time is Waddy Guts coming in?

Waddy Guts.

Waddy Guts is already in.

Yes, sir.

Morning. Right, is that my wife's mink? Yes. Ah, good. Can we have a look at it,

sir? Certainly, my dear.

Your wife is lucky. I wish someone would buy me a mink.

What the devil's that?

That's my wife's nightly.

Abbott, where is my wife's mink?

That's a good question.

I can explain it. You see, I took the nightie and the mink jacket home to my

place. And my wife liked it so much.

The mink, not the nightie. Because I bought her for her birthday, you see.

nightie, not the mink.

And I didn't have the art to tell her. So I told her I had to get it insured.

The mink, not the nightie.

So she wrapped it up.

The mink, not the nightie. And I brought it here.

And there it is.

The nightie, not the mink.

Where is my wife's mink?

My wife's got it.

Right. If that mink isn't in this office within one hour, you will be out

permanently. I'll be back before you know I've got it. Right.

Get me a cup of coffee, Bridget.

I have a feeling I'm going to hate today.

Cheer up, sir. It is your anniversary.

Exactly.

Your wife's arrived, sir. Come in, my dear.

Make that two coffees, Bridget.

Well, here I am.

So you are.

Sit down, my dear.

Where is it?

Where is it?

My little surprise.

Well, another little surprise has just cropped up. Oh, what's that? It's not

here. What's not here? Your surprise. But don't worry, my dear. It will be

shortly. It's just there's been a tiny little slip -up.

Geoffrey, you'd better explain.

Nothing to explain, my dear. I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll go round and

collect it ourselves.

One of the chaps has been looking after it for me. He's got it at his house.

I'll just phone through to make sure we don't cross on the way.

Hello?

anniversary present at your house and brought your birthday present to the

office by mistake.

Anniversary present? Yes.

It wasn't a mink jacket, was it? That's right.

Would it be convenient if we called round straight away to collect it?

Are you still there?

Oh, yes. Yes, that'll be convenient.

Thank you.

Don't be upset. Mummy?

We heard.

I thought it was too good to be true.

Will you put it in the box, sir?

Poor Mummy.

He'll be poor Daddy when he gets home.

It was a mistake. He did try to tell you.

Oh!

Everybody out!

Whoops. There's going to be violence. I'm off. I can't stand the sight of

There won't be any violence.

Gin!

Bet you didn't expect me home so early.

No, I didn't.

Uh, Jean?

Yes, dear.

Uh, Jeannie?

I, uh... I've got to make a confession, Jean.

So have I. It's about that mink jacket.

It's about that mink jacket. You see, what happened was I... What did you say?

You were right, Sid. I shouldn't have worn it all the time. What's happened to

it? Well, it's entirely my... What have you done to it? Well, I was washing up

in it. What have you done to it?

And the sleeve got caught in the waster sleeve. Oh, God, I can't believe it.

I'm sorry, Sid.

I'll go.

12 ,000 quids worth of shredded mink.

Sidney, you have visitors.

Won't you come in?

This is my wife, Sid. How do you do?

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

No, no, no.

Your face seems familiar.

I've got a familiar face.

Won't you sit down?

Yes, thank you.

Sidney.

Yes, well, we won't stay long. We've just called to pick up the you -know

Can I get you a drink?

No, thanks. We've just called to pick up the present and we'll be off. Oh, I

think we can stay for a drink, dear.

Oh, of course you can.

A sherry or a glass of wine?

A large Randian soda, please.

You see, my wife had an unfortunate experience last night in Harvey's

store. Oh, it was dreadful. What happened?

A man tried to rape me.

Oh, he was a monster.

He had the most evil looking face.

Oh,

thank you. How about you, Judge? No, thank you.

Where's the thingy?

Pardon?

Where is it?

Oh, up there, second on the left.

My wife's present.

Your wife's present.

Another drink, Mrs. Gordon?

Oh, thank you. You?

You know, my dear, you ought to join our ladies' luncheon guild. You'd enjoy it.

Oh, thank you, but I'm on a diet. Yes, well, so are most of us. But the

good. Thank you.

And we do have our serious side, you know. Why, at our last meeting, we

resolution supporting the Wildlife Trust Fund and damning all blood sports and

fur trapping.

Damning fur trapping?

Well, it's a most savage, barbaric custom. Barbaric? But you've always

fur coat.

If I got one now, I'd throw it out.

Throw it out?

Have you got a fur coat?

No.

It's the wild love.

Well, dear, I really think we'd better be going.

Can I have my surprise?

Oh, it'll be a surprise, all right.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you.

Can I open it here? Well, we haven't really got time yet. Oh, yes, it'll only

take a minute.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Sid, isn't that... Oh, Geoffrey, you romantic old thing.

I beg your pardon.

How fancy.

Married for 25 years and he's buying me a see -through nightie.

Oh, aren't men surprising creatures?

Aren't they?

Oh, thank you, darling. Oh, it's a pleasure.

Excuse me a moment, dear. Sidney.

Here, mate.

Why, well, that was quick.

Yeah, wasn't it? Yes, yes, well, that's got me out of a real hole. Yeah, well, I

think that's enough of it. Oh, I do, I do, I do, but what about the mink? Yeah,

well, I wouldn't tell you to sleep. It's no use to me now, is it?

Do you think your wife would like it? Well, she'd love it, but the sleeve

I'll tell you what we'll do. You hang on to the mink, I hang on to the nightie,

and we'll call it quits. You're joking. I can't afford it. Oh, don't worry about

the cost. It's worthy for the peace of mind. Why, if I'd given her that fur,

you imagine what the next 25 years would be like?

Come on, dear. Time for off. Well, goodbye, Mr. Abbott. Goodbye, Mrs.

do wish I could think where it was I've seen you before.

Right. I'll see you at the office, Sid. Right.

No, take tomorrow off.

It's Sunday.

I know.

Well, I can do with a drink.

Here you are, dear. Thank you.

Hostility's over?

They never began.

Really? I can't find a box.

Just a minute.

You told me the sleeve... I was pulling your leg.

You... crafty little devil you.

Well, you can take it back to the office tomorrow.

Take it back to the office.

And you've just given away my nightie.

Darling, it's your birthday and you're going to have it.

But you can't afford this. I know. I can't afford it. I'll just have to make

lot of sacrifices.

But for you, my darling, it's worth it.

Dad, you are too much. Yes, aren't I? You're super, Daddy. Thank you very

I don't know what to say.

How about have another drink?

Thanks, I will.