Original subtitles

Thank you.

bathroom.

This is your father speaking.

Oh, love, it's like trying to get through to another world.

That was quick.

Have you had a shave?

I haven't had anything.

Sometimes I think it'd be quicker to take a bus down to the barber's. Don't

exaggerate. I'm not exaggerating. The only way I can make dead sure of getting

into that bathroom in the morning is sleeping in the bath.

Any natural, Sid.

Any girl Sally's age tends to monopolize the bathroom.

It's not Sally that's in there. It's that blasted Mao Zedong.

But you know how particular the Chinese are about personal hygiene.

He is not Chinese. He's my son.

And he's been in there for nearly an hour.

He's either retailing it or he's drowned.

What can he find to do in there for an hour?

Having the faintest idea.

At least he doesn't sit in the bath playing dive bombers.

Diet bombers?

I heard you the other day, trying to sink the sponge with the nail brush.

Just passing the time while I had a soak, I shall. Yes, dear.

He's been in there long enough. I'm going to sort him out.

Oh, be careful, Sid.

Remember, he's fitter than you are.

Will you open this door?

Oh, that way to the bathroom.

I'm waiting for the cross -channel lovercraft.

Mum's upset you?

You've upset me.

Go on.

What a mess.

What a mess you left in there.

What you been doing in there? What do you think I've been doing in there? The

mind boggles.

And I was your... When I was your age, I was in and out of there in five

minutes. Quick brush of the teeth, comb through the air, and that was it.

Well, I'm a bit more particular. In any case, I was having a bath.

For nearly an hour? Does it take an hour to have a bath? It does for me.

Oh, blimey, that's heavy, isn't it? Yeah.

No wonder you couldn't climb out of the bath.

At least I don't play dive, Bobbitt.

Here, here, come here.

Are you using my bath towel? No, you're using the airing cupboard. Thank you.

Oh, no!

Sally!

No, no, no! I'm having a fall!

I wonder what they charged me down at the car wash.

Jean? Just a minute, Fred.

Ten. I'm up to ten.

Congratulations. You're only jealous because you collapsed after three.

I did not collapse. My wheel buckled.

That's your excuse.

Give me a hand with the bed. Never mind about the bed.

Look at that.

34, small cup.

It's Sally's.

I didn't think it was yours.

This is nothing to laugh about.

Sally's growing up, or hadn't you noticed?

It's not the growing up I'm worried about. It's the growing out.

Pardon? This bra, it's padded.

Well, what about it?

What about it?

Well, it's a 16 -year -old girl wearing a padded bra for.

To attract 16 -year -old boys.

Now, doesn't anybody in this house talk sense?

What are you worried about?

Our children. That's what I'm worried about. There is nothing wrong with our

children. They're just like any other children. Well, I still think... Excuse

me, ma 'am. Just bring you back the hairspray and nail varnish I borrowed.

Thanks, ma 'am.

Nail varnish?

Nail... What's he doing with nail varnish?

He puts it on his medallion. Stops it from getting tarnished.

Oh.

What's he put in the air lacquer on then?

I'm very worried about that boy.

Not again.

Oh, I wish he was more of a man's man.

A man's man?

Yeah, well, let's face it. He's not very manly, is he?

What are you implying?

I'm not implying anything.

I mean, he never goes into the boozer.

Doesn't like football.

Never has a punch -up.

He's a pacifist.

That's no excuse.

Tell me, has he ever brought a bird home?

Oh, give him time, Sid.

Time? He's 18.

At his age, he should be at it every night with a different bird.

I find your attitude very inconsistent.

Not two minutes ago, you were worried sick about Sally trying to attract the

opposite sex, and here you are saying that Mike should have a different girl

every night.

Yeah, well, he's a boy, isn't he?

It's different for boys. They can't get into trouble.

Oh, I see.

It's all right for our son to be promiscuous.

Of course it is.

It's only natural.

It is not natural.

Of course it's natural.

When I was his age, I had more... Yes, didn't he?

I won't do him any harm or so.

You said I was the first girl you'd ever touched. Yeah, well, you were, darling.

And since... Look, we're not discussing my sex life. We're discussing the son's.

I wonder if I could get him fixed up.

Fixed up?

Yeah, we got this new bird at the office.

Hot pants, they call her.

Beg your pardon? Angela, Angela.

Hot pants? No, no, Angela, that's what the fellas call her, Angela. They call

her that at the office. Well, I never see her, do I? I'm out on the road most

the time, aren't I?

Yes, and he'd do all right, yeah.

I think he should leave Mike to find his own friend.

He found his own friend, so look at him.

Cedric and Fred or somebody.

They're in a couple of nights, boys.

That's the trouble, they're boys.

Don't you realise we could have a very serious problem here?

There wasn't any problem till you started to worry about it. Well,

got to worry. And after all, I am his father.

That's it.

I shall go and have a talk to him. Man to man, father to son.

He wants a bit of straightening up, that's all.

Well, be careful how you do it.

Last time you went to straighten him out, you were on tranquilisers for a

I am going to find out if he's got something on his mind.

Well, if you're going, give him these.

Beats!

Don't tell me he's wearing your beads now.

No. I've been wearing his.

Come in.

Oh.

Yes, I... I brought your beads back.

Oh, thanks.

Was there anything else, Dad? Yes, I... I thought we might...

Have a little chat.

About what?

Life. Whose life?

Oh, anybody's, you know.

Life. You're not making very much sense, you know, Dad.

Michael, I am your father and you are my son.

And between a father and his son is a very special relationship.

Father, son.

That's it, yeah. That's it. I knew you'd get it. I knew you'd understand it.

Well, if you have any special sort of problems, I would like you to know that

you can come to me.

Thanks, Dad.

That's all right. Don't thank me, son. I mean, after all, that's what a father's

for, isn't it?

Now then, have you any special problem that you would like to discuss with me?

No, I don't think so.

You sure?

Well, it must be something. I mean, you don't have to hide anything from me.

After all, I am your father.

So you keep saying, Dad. Yes, well, I am, am I?

Am I? Yes, I am. Of course I am. Here, listen.

Listen. Is there anything?

Well, as a matter of fact, there is something. I knew it. I knew it. Hang

Just a minute.

Here we are. That is just us two men of the world, right?

What is it?

You did say anything.

Anything, any little thing. I mean, I'm not here to judge. I'm only here to

help. What is it? Could you lend me two quid?

Lend you two quid? Is that all?

Well, if you could make it three.

I don't mean that kind of thing, you fool. I mean, that's just not a problem.

Well, it is to me, Dad. I'm broke and I'm supposed to be going out tonight.

Who is? Gene Fletcher.

Gene Fletcher? I don't think I've met him. No, we met last week at the

Embassy. What were you doing at the American Embassy?

Throwing stones.

I shouldn't have asked.

Anyway, that's where we met, and Jean didn't know London very well, so I

we'd go out to town and have a nosh.

Jean Fletcher. Yeah, Jean Fletcher.

Jean Fletcher, eh? Yeah.

Jean! Yeah. Oh, yes. Well, here, you sure three quid's enough, you can have a

fiver. A fiver? Yes, a fiver. You all right, there? Of course I'm all right.

take a fiver, mate, and get out there and have a ball.

You and Jean.

Hoffman on the top of the post office tower.

Shall we start again, or would you like a clip around the ear?

We're going to Chislehurst Caves. A gang of us from the club.

Well, take your coat.

I'm not cold, Mum.

Do as you're told.

All right.

And another thing, that padded bra.

What about it? Your father doesn't like it.

Well, tell him not to wear it.

Sally, your father worries.

What's he worrying about my bra for?

You know how old -fashioned he is. He seems to think you're...

I should be so lucky.

Sally, don't aggravate him.

I'll show him what a flaunt is.

What are you doing?

Squeezers. Squeezers?

I could call the riot tonight.

Oi. Yes, sir? Take them out.

Spoilsport.

I don't think that was very funny.

Your face was.

She was getting too preoccupied with breasts.

Yeah, and we know where she gets that from.

What do you mean by that?

Never mind.

How'd you get on with Michael? Oh, he's all right. Don't have to worry about

him. I haven't even started. He's taking a bird out tonight. Good.

Somebody called Jean Fletcher. Not so good.

Why? Jean Fletcher's an American.

Oh, that's all right. I'm not prejudiced.

She's a he.

A he.

A male he.

The name's Eugene.

a fiver and told him to have a good time.

I'm going to phone up and straight off to breakfast.

What are you going to say to her?

Angela, dear, could you pop round this evening?

We'd like you to seduce our son.

I won't be so polite.

Why don't you leave the boy alone and stop fussing? Somebody's got to fuss.

while we're on it.

Please don't leave those lying about.

What are you talking about?

Your pills.

You know what pills they pill.

They aren't mine.

Well, they're certainly not mine.

Mine are in the dressing table drawer. Oh, don't be ridiculous. Who else in

house could possibly be on a pill?

wait till she gets back, that's all.

This week's recipe sounds nice. It's Greek.

Minced meat rolled in vine leaves.

Sixteen years old and on the pill.

Where do you buy vine leaves?

Where could she have got them?

I've never seen any in the supermarket.

I should hope not.

What is this, a new herbal contraceptive?

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm discussing stuffed vine leaves.

Stuffed vine leaves? What about the vine leaves? What about our daughter?

Who, what about her?

How can you keep so calm?

Who, what about?

What about them?

Followers, boys.

Men, they only take a girl out for one thing.

What thing's that?

Oh, blimey.

You know very well what thing that is.

A bit of the other.

Stop being so blooming awkward.

You know very well what I mean. A fella only takes a girl out for one reason,

and if he says he doesn't, he's a liar.

Is that why you took me out, Sidney?

Of course not.

Liar. The very first time we went out, the very first time you tried it on.

I never touched you.

No, but it wasn't for the one to try in.

Well, a fat lot of good it did me.

Anyway, we're not talking about us. We're talking about Sally.

Well, Sally knows all about the other, as you put it.

She does?

You've marked her card, then?

Didn't need to. She's done it at school.

She what?

They did it in biology.

Human reproduction with illustrated slides.

Illustrated slides?

Oh, bloody, they're marvellous. All they ever showed us was tadpoles.

Education is a little more advanced today.

Yes, isn't it?

I'm surprised I don't make it a subject for GCE.

I can just see them writing in for a job. Yes, sir. I have four O levels.

Maths, English, French and crumpet.

Well, I think it's a good thing.

I'd rather Sally found out about sex in a classroom than in the back row of a

cinema.

It's not the lessons I'm worried about. It's the homework.

You change your tune if she should come home with a bun in the oven.

She can't get a bun in the oven. She's on the pill, remember?

Oh, dear.

What's happening to the world? My daughter's on the pill and my son's

with a ballet dancer.

Well, there's one thing I can do something about.

Where are you going?

To phone hot pants.

I think you're making a big mistake, Sid.

It's all right. I'll handle this. Don't worry.

That's what I'm worried about.

Hello. Thanks.

Angela?

Thank you.

This is Mr. Abbott.

Yes. I wonder if you could do me a big favour and slip round to my house

tomorrow morning about 11 o 'clock.

Yeah, well, it's rather personal and private.

I'll tell you when you get here.

Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you very much. Ta -ta.

Well, let's sort that out.

Hope you know what you're doing. I do.

Just five minutes of hot pants and you'll forget about ballet dancers for

Hello!

Just a minute.

In here, please.

Yes, Daddy, did you want something?

Yes, you.

Sit down, please, next to your mother.

Your father wants to talk to you. What have I done now?

Oh, you found them.

Is that all you can say?

Can I have...

You cannot have them back.

They're going straight in the dustbin.

Where'd you get them from?

The school clinic.

Oh, that's nice. The school clinic. What'll I be dishing out next?

I don't know why you're making such a fuss.

And I don't know why you're behaving like this. Now, now, sit. No, no, Jean.

This has got to be said, and I'm going to say it.

Sal, we have been very good parents to you.

You live in a lovely home.

You always have everything at the best.

We never forget your birthday.

And this is how you repay it.

you behaving like this? Why do you have to take these?

Look, for a headache.

Oh.

I've heard them call a few things about headaches.

Yes, they're a new kind of aspirin.

Aspirin?

Well done, Sid.

What did you call them for?

Well, I didn't think they were for anything. Did you think they were for

anything?

Can I have them back now?

You can't have them back now.

Oh, you're not. Still going to throw them in the dustbin. No.

I'm going to take them.

How's the super salesman done this week?

Marvellous. Two hundred quid up in last week.

Good. Put a tea in the kitchen when you're ready.

Thank you.

Here we go then. Nine points.

One and four. Two and three. Three and three. Four and two.

Four and two. Four and two. Phone!

Four and two.

Four and two.

Phone's ringing.

Oh no! It's ringing.

Four and two.

Answer it, please, darling. Four and two.

Four and two.

Two and four. Oh, God.

Ninepence. One and four. Two and three. Three and three. Four and two. It's for

you. Oh. Well, take a message, please.

Oh, right.

Ninepence.

One and four. Two and three. Three and three. Four and two.

It was Mr. Harker about his order. Oh, blimey, I did it.

He should have got it yesterday.

500 packets of carbon paper and six swivel -back chairs.

What's his trouble?

Getting into his office.

Eh? They've just delivered six packets of carbons and 500 typist chairs.

Oh, blimey, marvellous. You see that bloomin' office? They send you out, you

work yourself to death, you get somebody to get behind a desk, makes a mess of

the old thing. He's got his copy of the invoice, there it is, black and white.

Six packets of carbons, five... 500 typist kids.

I'll have a cup of that tea, thank you very much.

Here. That must be Angela.

Now let her in, leave me alone with her for five minutes, and then call Mike.

And don't argue.

Never said a word.

Mrs. Hubbard, I'm Angela.

Oh, good, come in.

You didn't mind me phoning you? Not at all, I'm looking forward to it. Well,

in the living room.

And you know what to do. Leave it all to me. When I finish with him, he won't do

any more fixing up. Give me a coat.

Remember,

dear, you're only acting.

Sid, it's Angela.

Oh, coming, Angela. Hello, Mr Abbott.

Thank you, Mr Abbott.

Let's not be formal. We're not at the office. Call me Sid.

Oh, all right, Sid.

I suppose you're wondering why I asked you to come round this morning. You

haven't run out of order books again, have you?

No, this is nothing to do with work, really.

Oh. As a matter of fact, it's personal, really.

Yes, Sid.

I hope you won't take offence.

I could never take offence at you, Sid.

Yes, well...

Not quite sure how to say it.

You don't have to say anything, Sid.

I can see it in your eyes.

Pardon?

You fancy me, don't you?

You what?

I knew it. Now, carry that. I've always been attracted to older men. Now, wait a

minute, please.

Darling. Now, will you shut up? Your gene will hear you.

Don't worry, Sid. I don't expect you to leave your wife.

Thank you very much. That's very nice.

Just as long as you love me, that'll be enough. That's enough. Now, carry that.

Come on. That's enough of that. Come on.

my place? No, you're going to your place. I'm staying here.

Where will I see you again, darling? At the office on Monday morning.

Doesn't it be wonderful? Yeah, it's marvellous. Stand up.

Is she in the... She's gone.

Gone? Gone.

Why? Why?

Why is she gone?

Why is she gone? I think your needle's stuck. You must know why she left, eh?

Well, of course I know why she left. I mean, she left because... Is that the

phone? No.

Well, she left because she remembered she had another date.

And I don't feel very well. I'm going to have a lie down.

I don't really think hot pants would have been right for you, dear.

Hello, dear. Feeling better?

Yes, thank you.

It's been a funny sort of a day, hasn't it?

Yes, I think it has.

Where's Darby and Joan?

Sally's gone to the pictures with her girlfriend and Mike's gone to Jean's.

Jean's? The ballet dancer?

Yes, they're going to a concert, all four of them.

Four of them?

How many ballet dancers is he knocking about with?

He isn't knocking about with any.

Mike and Jean are taking a couple of girls.

Girls?

Girl, girl?

Nurses?

Oh, well,

he'll be all right there. He'll definitely get his... Sidney.

Yes.

Well, you can relax now. Nothing else to worry about.

Well, there is one thing.

What?

Angela.

What about Angela?

Well, you're never going to believe this, and I don't want you to get upset

about it, because I have never laid a finger on a girl. I've never given her

kind of encouragement at all.

You trying to tell me something?

Angela is madly in love with me.

Get away.

Well, we're going to have a shocking problem here, you know that?

Of course, some girls can't help it. You know, they go for us older men.

Well, I mean, we're more mature, you see, and more experienced.

Well, some of us are, you know.

And then the nurses, they're going out with us.

Yes.

Well, I hope they know what they're doing, because I must assure Mike does.

Did he have illustrated slides at school?

Oh, come to bed.

No, no, no, I think I'll just stay up and wait for him to get up. I think we

ought to have a little chat.

Thank you.

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