Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

I do.

Let's give the radio a go then.

Painted full, pockets on extra swole. On the island, where will the checks go?

Sharon, please, would you stop that?

Oh, door.

Some client seats.

That'll come in handy.

Someone didn't go to finishing school.

And what would you know about finishing school?

Plenty. On my 15th birthday, I went home and I said to Tracy, I said, Tracy, I'm

finishing school.

So how comes you can afford this anyway?

I'm suddenly big in the Pacific Rim.

My book's taken off in Korea and the Philippines.

And I'm huge in Thailand.

I think we all are to them.

Oh, Jeremy, hi.

Miss Green, welcome.

Dorian, please.

Of course, Dorian. And this is my... Sharon.

I have to say, she's one of the prettiest little run -arounds I've ever

Oi, flatterer.

And I love this.

What's the technical term again?

The power bulge.

Oh, yes.

The power.

So, if everything's in order... I was hoping you could be a little more, um,

flexible.

We're making very little profit on this car as it is.

Oh, yeah.

They've already flashed it from ten grand.

But if it helps, I can throw in a set of velour floor mats.

Oh, yeah.

It'll keep your knees warm in the wintertime.

This is the life, Dor.

And you can even do the roof as you're driving along.

Sharon, you've got my hair.

Any more where that came from?

No, in the roof, you idiot.

Open it. Open it. I'm trying. I'm not sure if it's the same button.

And look out!

Sorry.

You all right, Dor?

Do I look all right?

She's having a bad hair day.

Your mother tried to ram -rape my new car and your aunt tried to scalp me.

Want me to glue it back on, door?

Mum was giving me a driving lesson, although she wouldn't let me drive.

I just didn't think it was safe for you to reverse onto the street.

And what you did was safe, was it, Trace?

Can't be as bad as when Dad tried to teach me.

Why? Did he make you speed up every time he saw a policeman?

No, made me slow down every time he saw a bank.

Have a go tomorrow.

No, we will not.

Right, take it out when the timer goes, Mum, and I'll be back after work to help

you eat it.

Laters, potatoes.

Don't suppose you give me some lessons, though?

Well,

I would like to keep my new car unscathed a little longer.

I'm not a beginner.

I've already failed one test.

No way. It's out of the question.

Why? Because I say so.

Mum, why do you hate me so much?

Why do you say that? Oh, do you cook him, you wash him? I sewed up the holes

the knees of those jeans.

Exactly.

Why is it out of the question, Tracy?

Because it's a powerful sports car.

If anything happens, well, your reflexes might not be... There's nothing wrong

with my reflexes.

I managed to avoid a blonde bimbo in a mini, didn't I?

Why don't you just come out with it?

You don't trust me with your precious son.

What's all that? that?

Jeremy Kyle. Everyone knows that.

Jeremy Corbyn? Correct.

That's who I meant.

So you're Travis?

Yeah, skinny kid. Salts a lot. Why?

I can't find him anywhere.

Or Dorian.

Where have you two been?

What's going on?

Travis, look me in the eye and tell me you ain't been out driving with Miss

Daisy.

Well? I'll go to my room then, shall I?

I've got a huge pile of fan mail to answer. Not as huge as the pile you're

down here.

You took him driving behind my back, didn't you? No, I didn't.

Yes, I did. But it won't happen again, you have my word.

Why? What's happened?

Travis drove down a bus lane and we were stopped by a policeman.

Oh, my God.

And as a responsible driver, I've got one week to present my licence and

insurance at the nearest police station.

Yeah? Well, I hope they take it away. Yeah, well, that's what I'm frightened

It's still got my old address.

So? So, it's invalid.

Which means I could get a £1 ,000 fine, be banned from driving and go to prison.

Well, as long as you don't overreact.

Well, why didn't you just change your address when you moved in here? Because

when you renew your licence, you have to renew your photograph too.

You vain old trap.

What's so special about your photo?

Is that you?

Looks like Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind.

It's all blurry.

Yes, well, top photographers use Vaseline to achieve a timeless, ethereal

quality. In your case, Sharon, I doubt a tub of Swarfiga would suffice.

are both down well to quiz.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. What the bright, pitiless light, searching out

blemish, every wrinkle, every straggly hair.

I think you're meant to keep your clothes on, Dorian.

Hang about.

What?

When's Dorian's birthday?

I don't know.

Why?

Exactly. Has she ever had a birthday since we've known her?

driving license when you hit 70 70 she can't be

one way to find out foxy cohen british erotic novelist and agony

aunt real name dorian green born collindale london 1929

blimey that makes her 81 82 no no i did that

and fiddled with her entry.

Well, what was her age before you fiddled?

Well, it said 37, which makes me believe that Dorian got to Wikipedia before I

did.

How are we going to find out the truth?

Simple. I'll ask her.

Don't worry, I'll be tactful.

Go away.

70, then.

I should have known that that sports car was a birthday present to yourself.

And why not?

I mean, it survived to 70.

And the way you've burned your candle, I mean, that's an achievement Bear Grylls

would be proud of.

If you've quite finished, I'd like some privacy.

No, that's not how it worked, doll.

It's banter.

There's no point in me having a go at you if you don't have a go back.

Maybe another time.

Look, every week, thousands of 70 -year -olds renew their licenses.

What are you afraid of? Because I let Travis enter a bus lane.

It happens.

So what?

I should have seen the sign.

Suppose I can't pass the eye test.

Suppose they make me wear glasses.

Glasses ain't the end of the world, doll. No, but they bring it into focus.

I don't get it. If I was your age... Yeah, I'm not my age.

I'd push the boat out.

I mean, any birthday that ends in a zero deserves to be celebrated.

Big time. A party?

Over your dead body?

There you go, Benter.

That's more like the old door.

I don't mean old. Oh, just get out, Sharon.

Come on, Trace. It'll be a laugh.

I can't wait to see Dorian's face.

As they nail the coffin shut.

The shock will kill her. If it does, I take full responsibility.

Go on, Trace, talk to Barry before she comes downstairs.

What if he don't go for it?

Of course he will.

Detective Sergeant Boyfriend would do anything to worm his way back into your

good books.

Among other places.

Hello, Tracey.

Long time no see.

It's been a while, hasn't it, Barry? I was going to ask you if you could do me

little favour.

Yeah, of course.

Actually, it's quite a big one.

Anything for you.

See?

Yes, that's the plan, Barry.

Got to go.

I'm going to make a pot of licorice tea if anyone's interested.

No, thanks.

Tastes like pants.

How do you know?

Long story.

Um, I'm sorry about before.

I know you meant well, Sharon, in your clumsy, tactless way.

Banter? No.

Accuracy.

Well, this'll cheer you up, Dore. I've just been speaking to Barry, and he

reckons that thousands of older people forget to renew their licences.

So as long as you take your paperwork down to his cock shop within seven days,

he doubts there'll be any further action.

Oh, Tracy.

So just don't take Travis driving again, OK?

I won't. I promise.

And maybe I was a little hasty in dismissing the idea of a party out of

Really? I suppose I was a little overwhelmed at the thought of a huge,

celebration with caterers and champagne.

All my friends, relatives, admirers, fans.

Don't worry, Dawn.

We won't do anything like that.

Right,

open your eyes now, Dawn.

Stop it. Thank you.

So is this where my friends jump out and shout surprise?

No way.

We know you'd hate that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Anyone fancy a sausage roll?

Sharon? Sorry, I forgot.

Right, let's do presents.

I've got you something to wear. Oh, thank you, Tracy.

And this is for your car to wear.

Elderly driver.

Please be patient.

Garth and I have got something between us.

And what indignity are you about to perpetrate, Sharon?

Go on, then. Open it.

You know what? I'm not going to give you the satisfaction.

But it's the first time you've ever said that.

I'll open it for you. I'll open it for you.

Matching incontinence pad.

Is someone going to make Sharon disappear?

Banter?

Dorian Green, I would like you to pick a card. Any card.

Memorise it and hand it to my glamorous assistant, Tracy.

Mum, tear it up and put it in the bin.

I've seen this. It's brilliant.

Dorian, do you remember what your card was? I'm not senile.

Five of clubs. Right.

Shut up!

That's amazing!

Well, it would be if there weren't the same number of sausage rolls as there

cards in a pack.

So I'm going to see you.

Oh, girls!

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Hello, handsome, and who might you be?

There's no might to be about it. I'm Police Constable David Montgomery, and

looking for Miss Dorian Green.

You've found her.

Normally, I find stripper grams tawdry and dated, but this one I like.

I'll have to ask you to desist. Oh, if you say so, Constable.

You were in charge of a vehicle driving down a bus lane on Wednesday La. Yeah.

And you think you'll be able to produce your driving licence and insurance at a

police station.

Boring! Get your kit off!

Oh, nice truncheon, by the way. It's a nightstick.

Oh, oh, even better!

If you don't stop that, I'll be forced to deploy hanker.

Oh, is that a promise?

It's absurd. It's such a trivial oversight.

There is nothing trivial about interfering with a police officer's

equipment.

Oh, God.

Barry, help me.

Dorian, what are you doing here?

Miss Green failed to produce her driving licence.

I've still got three days.

As you know, Gov, the Commission's cracking down on white -collar crime,

especially by the elderly.

I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding, Constable. I can vouch

She's a law -abiding pensioner.

She's a liberty -taking cougar. She went for my nightstick.

Just do me a favour, Dave, and draw a veil, all right?

Promise you didn't see me home just because I'm elderly.

No. Just wanted to make sure you didn't get into any more trouble.

If only.

Hello?

Hello?

They couldn't even be bothered to wait up for me.

Oh, wait a minute.

What was that? What?

Oh, shh!

Come and stand.

Stripper gram.

No, I'm a real copper.

Don't try living in London on a policeman's pay.

So, uh, your mum tells me you need someone calm to teach you how to drive.

You?

Really?

Can we use the siren?

On certain things.

This calls for a few words.

If you insist.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, what can I say about...

and green that you haven't already read on the back of a toilet door.

Not from you.

Go on, door.

Friends.

Colleagues.

Fans.

Lovers. Past.

Present.

And, please God, future.

Sharon.

Tracy.

I'm

sorry,

I can't do this.

Of course you can.

You're the centre of attention.

You'll love it.

What happens when it's all over?

Don't worry, we'll clear up.

No, I mean when this is all...

The plastic surgeon will pump them back up again.

Don't you think I know how absurd this charade is?

Every year, every week it takes longer just to be me.

The make -up, the hair, the clothes.

And just recently I've asked myself, why do I do it?

So you can get your leg over?

It was a rhetorical question, Sharon.

Then stop doing it. Just grow old gracefully.

We bought you all the kit.

I don't want to end up in a residential establishment for the independent

elderly. I mean, can you imagine Foxy Cohen alone, abandoned, surrounded by

dribblers?

Don't be daft. That's not going to happen to you, isn't it? Course not.

We'll take care of you.

I'll puree your prunes and Sharon can wipe your bum.

Hang on.

Why can't I do her prunes?

Look, you don't think we'd have looked after you all these years if we didn't

love you?

You know how it works, Dor.

I'm the fat, lazy one.

Tracy's the stupid, blonde one.

And you're the trollop.

Mind you, I want my being the trollop for a change.

If I'm stupid, how come I own this big ass? Oh, you're not stupid, Tracy.

strong, loyal.

You brought up two wonderful boys on your own.

You've achieved a lot.

Not as much as you.

You've got your book, your agony column.

A trail of exhausted lovers.

You've got loads to be proud of.

Yeah.

I suppose I have.

We both have, Dor.

I thought of the surprise party.

Including the bit where I was hauled off in handcuffs.

The point is, everything we've done, we've done together.

Come on, Dor. All your friends are waiting out there.

Not to mention there's a prawn ring with my name on.

Just ask yourself, what would Foxy do?

Ladies and

gentlemen, Dorian...

of drama Jericho next here on ITV as Annie faces losing Johnny when a

collapses. And next Thursday at 9, it's a 12 -day challenge to cope in the South

African wilderness.

The Bear Grylls Mission Survive begins.