Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

Sitting in the garden.

Mum, it's gone 11 and it creamed him. I know. It was bloody lovely.

Another hot flush?

Yeah. Good evening, Cheeswell!

Oh, no.

I'm not in the mood for this.

Hello, everybody!

Guess where I went tonight?

Royal Opera House.

Was it a hat what gave it away?

No, I went out with some of the girls from the bookies.

It was meant to be a quiet one, but we ended up having a major sesh.

It's OK.

Fine.

You sure?

And you're just about to put Piccadilly in your Nutella sandwich.

You worried about your A -levels? I suppose so.

Well, just remember the three golden rules. Yeah, revise, revise, revise.

Close.

Cheat, cheat, cheat.

When I passed my RE exam, I had the names of all the disciples written into

knickers.

I've got to remember them. Um, John Judas, Andrew Bartholomew, Napoleon

Mussolini.

I always do that. I had history on the same day.

Just remember, big pants, permanent marker, and it'll be eight stars all the

way.

On your shelf.

It's not just my exams.

lady somewhere claiming you're the daddy? No.

Well, then nothing you can say will faze me.

I've been suspended from school for possession of cannabis.

Except that.

But I didn't smoke it.

Oh, yeah, you and me both, mate.

No, I didn't. Look, this mug in my ear, Gibbons, he's always bringing it in. He

gave a spliff to a year nine, so I took it off him, just as the teacher came

round the corner.

It's true, I swear.

Why didn't you just explain?

No one was interested.

We've got a new head of year, Miss Howan. She's here. She suspended me

away. She wants to see me and Mum in her office tomorrow morning.

Blimey. Tracey will go mental. Exactly.

She's all over the place since the doctor took her off that HRT.

I've got five words for you.

Run away from home now.

Does she need to know?

Look, you said that this Miss Howan's new. Has she ever met your mum?

No. Well, then.

No.

I'll go with you. I'll pretend to be Tracy and we'll sort it all out.

You sure we can get away with it?

As sure as tomorrow. It's Tuesday.

It's Thursday.

Yeah, well, I'm a bit Brahms, aren't I?

The hits on my agony webcast have gone through the roof. There's talk of a

bonus. Thank God there are so many pathetic people in the world.

Doesn't it bother you that you're cashing in on other people's misery?

No.

You looking for something? No. I'm having another hot flush.

Well, will you be long?

There's a jar of foie gras in there that demands constant temperature.

That's the foie gras. I feel like my head's going to explode.

Bloody menopause. I hate it.

I'm having hot flushes, night sweats.

My moods are all over the place.

You reckon you're such a brilliant acne art. Give me some advice.

Sorry. Don't do menopause.

What do you mean you don't do it? You can't avoid it?

I have. I've never stopped taking my HRT.

Isn't that a bit risky?

Not as risky as me not taking it.

But you don't know what's in it. I've heard some of them are made from

horses' urine.

I don't care if it's made from the pureed excrement of rabid pigs.

As long as it stops certain areas of my anatomy from drying up like the Sahara.

How did Sharon cope?

Oh, she didn't have to.

Lucky car.

Had a bit of a sweat. A ten -minute headache and hers was all over.

Well, have you tried evening primrose or black pahosh?

I've tried all that herbal stuff. Don't you listen to what I say?

Perhaps not as much as I should.

I've even tried shoving magnets in my knickers.

Did it work?

No. Just meant I was stuck to the washing machine for half an hour.

Dwelling on this is not going to do you any good. You need bringing out of

yourself. You know what I do when I start to feel low?

I'm not bonking the milkman.

Retail therapy.

And I'm not dragging my arse around the shopping centre either.

Oh, this is the 21st century, Tracy.

You can sit with a big tub of mint choc chip ice cream and max out your credit

cards from the comfort of your sofa.

Stop biting your nails.

You were saying, Mum?

Sounds funny, someone calling me that.

Do you think I would have made a good mum?

From a kid's point of view.

Yeah, you would have been alive.

Yeah, that's what I reckon.

Oh, well.

The fact that I'm not means there's a social worker somewhere with a much

caseload.

You're sure this is going to work, aren't you? I'll just go in there with

old charm offensive.

Just do the charm, eh?

And you'll just get a slap on the wrist.

Hopefully.

Hopefully? You were full of it last night.

I was full of lager last night.

Thank you, Lorraine.

I'm glad we got that sorted.

Don't worry. You can leave it to me.

That was Gibbons' dad.

Oh, good.

Well, at least that means that Gibbons is getting a slap on the wrist and all.

Stubbs. Mrs. Stubbs. Two minutes.

Righty -ho.

I see what you mean about her being a bit fierce.

Righty -ho.

What?

That's my grown -up voice.

I've got all the latest fashion ads from Vanity Fair to La Redoute.

There's bound to be something you can buy to raise your spirits. What do you

fancy? Nothing.

OK. What do you need?

Nothing.

if I did find something I liked, it wouldn't fit me.

These days, they only make things for six -foot skinny minis with no knockers.

Casey, you've got to shake off this despondent attitude.

It's me hormones.

A bit of poxy shopping's not going to fix it.

May need to go back in the freezer.

Oh, what about this?

I'm not wearing that.

I don't like mutton.

Well, I'd wear it, and I'm... a few years older than you.

Yeah. And you'd look like mutton.

What's the look for? I'm always saying you look like mutton.

Yes, but normally you say it with a bantery, jocular edge.

Well, I'm not in a bantery, jocular mood.

When's that going to sink in?

Well, I believe you're as young as you feel.

You really think that? If life was a race and I'm well past the halfway mark,

and you, you could come around that next bend and see the chequered flag waving

in front of you.

Chipped paper. The only thing we've got to look forward to is losing our marbles

and needing someone to wipe our jacksie.

Are you going to open that ice cream or not?

Actually, I'm going to go to my room, play some Leonard Cohen and put the

Samaritans on speed dial.

Hi, Lorraine.

I'm Sharon.

Tracy.

Sharon Tracy.

My mum loved a Christian name.

Let's stick to Miss Howe and Mrs Dobbs, shall we? Oh.

Okay.

I'm sorry you have to be here under these circumstances.

All part of having kids, isn't it?

I wouldn't know.

I'm surrounded by hundreds of the little monsters all day.

I'd have to be some sort of masochist to want to go home to my own.

I have to emphasise, we take a very dim view of drugs.

Oh, so do we.

Especially as we are a very religious family.

those drugs came from, they had nothing to do with Travis.

The only joints you'll find at our house are from the meat counter at Aldi.

I mean Waitrose.

Mrs. I can name all of Jesus' disciples, you know.

Andrew, Bartholomew, Napoleon, Mussolini. Mrs. Dobbs!

If Travis didn't bring the drugs in, who did?

We... We don't growl in our family.

It's our 11th commandment. Well, that attitude doesn't surprise me.

Excuse me?

Your husband was a professional criminal.

No, he weren't. He was crap at it.

Look, Travis's daddy may have been a bit of a rascal, but he's been

brought up to know right from wrong and respect the filth. Oh, Bill, boys in

blue.

The problem is, another boy has already named Travis as supplier.

Who? Jason Gibbons.

No, it was him. He's sitting me up. I'm sorry, Travis, but you and your mother's

evasive attitude suggests otherwise.

In my experience, the apple never falls very far from the tree.

You snotty cow.

Sit there, judging us with your...

Shame to yourself.

What sort of teacher comes to work dressed like that?

A sports teacher.

Yeah, well, never mind that. You keep your aspersions to yourself.

Just give him a slap on the wrist and we'll be on our way.

You might scare the kids, but you don't scare me.

Sit!

There is no question of Travis getting off with a slap on the wrist.

I'm afraid we have no option but to permanently exclude him.

Oh, well.

Well, at least they ain't expelled you.

It's the same thing.

Look, we're going to have to tell Mum.

I see that as a last resort.

They may have expelled you, but they can't... stop you taking your actual A

-levels. Just carry on getting notes from your mates and take the exam.

And once again, Tracy is none the wiser. But the school... What's going on?

Nothing.

I need cheering up. Tell me about your day, Travis.

There's not much to tell.

And you said I was past it, Tracy.

Look, you get out of breath just carrying a bottle of milk.

I have just done an hour -long spinning class, a full -on 90 -minute workout,

and just run three miles home from the shop.

According to my personal trainer, I have the heart, lungs and insanely firm

buttocks of a woman half my age. So what do you say to that, Tracy?

Nothing. I didn't mean it. It was me hormones talking.

Purgatory for nothing.

Oh.

Spent an email from the school.

Confirming a meeting I had with a Miss Howe in which my son got expelled for

supplying drugs.

Lose to us, eh, Chad?

Give it up, aren't you, shall?

Look, Mum, I took a spliff away from my year nine, got caught with it, got

suspended. Sharon came to the meeting with my head a year, pretended to be

the kid who brought it in, lied that I was the supplier, so I got expelled.

Don't seem so bad when you say it quickly.

Unbelievable.

It really is impossible to underestimate you, Sharon.

You got expelled?

How can you be so stupid?

It wasn't his fault. You're really up to your neck and all, aren't you? I only

did it because of how you've been lately. I didn't want you getting all

stressed. Well, it's worked like a charm, hasn't it?

I feel suicidal now.

Why did you go to her of all people?

You should have come to me because you and I do have a special bond.

No, it should have come to me.

You're right, Mum.

I'm sorry.

Are you really that scared of me?

No.

I'm sorry, love.

I only did it because I care so much.

Don't even think about it.

Right. If we want to get justice for Travis, we have to be as sneaky and as

underhand as that boy Gibbons.

Go on.

Well, no, I haven't actually thought of anything.

Why are you looking like that? I bet you made it ten times worse by having to go

at his teacher.

She had to go at me first. None of this is going to do any good.

It's my word against Gibbons.

They're always going to believe him because of his dad and not believe me

because of mine.

What makes his dad so special?

It's Michael Gibbons, chairman of the school governors.

I nearly missed out on doing it.

And you didn't think to mention that before?

I didn't know it was going to be relevant.

Well, that proves I didn't make it worse.

They were ready to throw Travis under the bus before we even got in there.

I think you owe me an apology, Tracy.

Don't hold your breath.

Michael Gibbons?

Michael Gibbons? That name rings a bell.

Short.

Balding. That's right.

Yeah, it's not just Miss Howe that he is enjoying extracurricular activities

with. He has slept with half the women at the tennis club. His nickname is New

Balls.

No, Sharon, I haven't.

One of his easier conquests was Melanie Fisherman, and I refuse to touch any man

that that woman's dropped her serve for.

So why are they so interested in him?

He's the right little weasel. He owns a string of chiropodists.

Holds the bunions.

Money and free treatment for fallen arches is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

Is there a Mrs Gibbons? Yeah, poor mouse, doesn't know what a rat she's

to. Then it's about time someone threatened to put her straight.

It's usually me that comes up with dirty tricks like that, Trace. When it comes

to my kids, the gloves are off.

We get evidence of him playing about and say we'll tell his wife if he doesn't

get Travis reinstated.

A honey trap.

Who's going to be the honey?

Do you really need to ask that question, Sharon?

No, he says. The cat's a ventriloquist.

Oh, that Gibbons.

He looks like a right plonker.

She's had worse.

How do I look?

Easier than a kid's crossword.

This won't take long, doesn't normally.

A husky hello usually gets them hooked. But in the unlikely event that the sap

fails to rise, then a bit of heavy flirting never fails.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Oh, Michael Gibbons, I'm... I know who you are. The infamous Dorian Green.

We've often moved in the same circle, but we've never actually connected.

I thought it was time we did.

Trouble with Veruca's?

That's not the sort of treatment I had in mind.

Oh, I see.

Everything I've heard about you is true, then.

Everything.

And more.

As we say around here, you just don't tighten my racket.

Sorry? When it comes to you, Miss Green, there are two sorts of men in Chigwell.

Those that have and those that haven't.

I prefer to stay in the small but ever -diminishing band of those that have

Pardon?

You're not my type, love.

I'm everybody's type.

That was quick.

You struck out, didn't you? You are past it after all. No, I'm not past it.

Maybe he's had an epiphany. Come out the closet.

All he has is gone back in and locked the door.

Look at the way he's chatting that blonde barmaid up. He likes blondes.

Travis's teacher was blonde.

And Melanie Fishman sports a cheap peroxide wrench. That's it. He prefers

blondes.

Passed it. Oh, thank God.

Right, well, I better give him a go then. No, you won't. You're not blonde.

You're messy with highlights.

This is blonde.

I'll do it.

You? Travis is my son.

You've cocked up enough already.

Do you need a few tips?

I know you like to think you invented it, but I do know how to chat a bloke

Oh, sorry.

Really? No need to apologise.

You've spilled your drink. Let me get you another.

My mum told me never to accept a drink from a stranger.

Easily remedied. Mike Gibbons.

I haven't seen you around the club before.

I'm Tracy.

And I'm thinking of joining.

Oh, you should.

We could always do with more pretty girls.

You've been playing tennis for long?

No, but I've had a few lessons.

My instructor reckons I've got the best forearm grip he's ever seen.

Take the camera.

He's going to lay his grubby little paws on her any minute now.

I like you, Tracy.

Oh, I like you too.

I've always had a thing for short, fat blokes.

I think I'd say stocky.

I'm not one for mincing my words.

We're not kids, are we?

Certainly not.

Oh, look at the way the light shines on your pointy, bald head.

So, you ready for a knock -up or what?

Yes, yes, absolutely.

A friend of mine runs a little boutique hotel. Only 20 minutes' drive away.

You can show me that forehand grip.

That's just what I wanted to hear you say.

Advantage givens.

Bastard! What's going on?

We're exposing you for the two -timing rat that you are.

You had your finger over the lens!

Either we play that to your poor, unsuspecting wife... And tell her about

your other little bits on the side, including Miss Howe. Or you see to it

Travis Stubbs gets reinstated at his school.

Choice is yours, baldy.

I still don't understand why Wills and Kate

called their little girl Charlotte.

It's not very royal, is it?

So what names would you consider to be royal, then?

Well, not Sharon, for a start.

Elizabeth, obviously.

Victoria. Mary.

Amber.

Amber?

There's never been a queen named Amber? Yes, there was.

Amberlynn.

I might be menopausal, but I'm not stupid.

Right, Mum.

How'd it go?

Sorted. Miss Howard reinstated me. Oh, that's brilliant.

So why aren't you jumping up and down for joy?

A couple mates and I decided to celebrate.

The headmaster courts round the back of a science block with a bottle of vodka.

Oh, Travis!

It's a joke.

Not a very good one, as it turns out.

It's me hormones.

I don't need any more surprises.

Get your coats on, girls!

Find out if gentlemen really do prefer blondes.

Next, Johnny faces a terrible fate and Annie seems the only one protesting his

innocence. It's drama Jericho.

And this pair are back live for more mischief -making Saturday at 7 in brand

Saturday Night Takeaway.