Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

Oh,

lovely.

Another British summer.

A barbecue in the rain.

Oh, Garfield prepared it. Seemed a pity to waste it.

Quite right, too.

We're celebrating.

It's not every day I sell the film rights to a book.

So, who do you think will play you in Sixty Shades of Green, the movie door?

Obviously a major star.

Someone slim, dark, sexy.

Keira Knightley?

No, I reckon it'll be Danny DeVito in a bad week.

I understand your jealousy, Sharon.

The idea of me rubbing shoulders with the Hollywood glitterati does rather

overshadow the highlight of your week.

Getting double nectar points on a family bag of oven chips.

Oh!

Sorry, doll.

Day My Film becomes an international hit and I can move out and leave you far,

far behind.

Cannot come soon enough.

Get me a note!

Mum, I think my computer's broken.

Well, stop playing silly games on it and come out here with us.

This isn't getting a Skype call from Aunty Vera.

Vera can't use a computer.

She has to get a bloke brand to turn her washing machine on.

Looks good, mate.

Chefing for you lot's easy, bruv.

We had five rugby clubs in the restaurant last night.

I had to do a Dorian.

Satisfy the appetites of hundreds of men.

Says it's her.

Maybe someone's stolen her identity.

Who'd want her identity?

Vera!

Maybe something's happened to her.

Tracy!

You took your time. I went for a Jimmy Riddle.

We didn't know you had a computer.

There was a call from the community centre.

The world's going to regret that.

We've got a white one.

No.

What's this?

Yes.

I'm down them stairs with my hip.

Can't I get Michelle to get some grocery for you?

Oh, don't talk to me about that article.

Move to Israel.

Live on a kebab.

Look, there's only half a tin of pilchards between me and the boneyard.

What about your next -door neighbours?

Don't talk to them.

What about them on the other side?

Don't talk to me.

Oh, Sharon.

She's got pilchards.

What do you need, Bea?

Biscuits. I like a nice bath, Oliver.

A tin of our cup. It's the only thing that shifts my wind.

More pilchards.

A jar of gentleman's relish.

Toilet duck. And some of the long...

Do you want to put the bags down there?

You can put it all away for me later.

Sit down.

So, how long have you little been out of action?

Every other week.

What I need is a swap with a nice ground floor flat. But there ain't none

available, are there?

And we all know who's fault that is, don't we?

The immigrants.

No!

Bleeding government not building enough council houses.

You want to be careful talking like that. People will think you're

Well, Arthur, it's disgusting, V. You being imprisoned here like this.

Thank you, Sharon.

I accept your offer.

What offer?

To come and live with you.

No,

I didn't mean that.

Well, we'd love to have you, V. But we just ain't got the space.

Trap that old codger out. What's her name?

Doris.

We can't chuck her out. She's our friend.

Ish.

Oh, family.

Family comes first.

Look, don't you worry, V. No need to uproot yourself.

Me and Tracy will go down the castle and we'll get those lifts sorted.

We promise.

anyway. The possibility of Vera moving in affects me just as much as you.

I want to ensure that our case is heard in a powerful, articulate manner without

the counterproductive use of profanity.

She means no effing and blinding.

It's the only language these knobs understand.

Morning. I'm Martin.

Housing officer and knob, apparently.

We're here about our elderly aunt.

Okay. And what exactly is the problem?

I'm not their aunt.

You are elderly, though.

Our aunt, Vera Connolly, she lives on the third floor of Codrington House.

And she's virtually a prisoner there because the lifts keep breaking down.

we insist that you swap her flat for one on the ground floor.

We have over 20 ,000 people and they're awaiting this. Well, if you're that

popular, surely you should put your prices up.

Sort the wheat from the chaff.

Is there any chance she could come and stay with you? Out of the question.

There's already five of us crammed into a detached house in Tugwell and there's

only two bedrooms that are en suite.

I've just seen a woman with four kids living in one room with doubt running

a wall and a level three cockroach infestation.

I'll tell her about you. She'll be pleased to know she's not suffering

Right, shut up, you.

Look, can you please tell us if there's any chance of those lifts getting a

proper overhaul so they stop breaking down?

I'll go and check.

But with repair budgets being flash at a bone, I'd say there's more chance of me

being made the next James Bond.

Oh, great.

Looks like we're going to be lumbered with her now. So she moves in, then I'm

tossed out like an old boot.

Now, I'm really sorry, Dawn, but she's family. And I'm your friend.

I know, but I feel obliged.

Well, I don't. Remember when Aunt Sylvie moved in with us? It was a nightmare,

Trace. And we liked her.

Anyway, I thought you were thinking of moving out now your book's been made

a film.

According to Get A Life magazine, you sold the rights for a sex figure sum.

Fresh talk. It was a mere 5 ,000.

Mere? That's not a lot for film rights.

It's a bleeding fortune as far as I'm concerned. It's barely a week's rent in

central London.

Well, I'm obviously not charging you enough.

But you'll be quids in when the film's actually made.

Well... That could take years.

That's not what you said the other day.

You made it sound like you were going to be besties with Mrs Clooney, helping

her pick out George's wife, right?

OK, OK, I may have embellished a little. No, lied through your hamsters is what

you did.

I find myself in a very unusual position.

I can actually deliver some good news.

The lifts are going to be overhauled as a priority.

Oh, that's... Brilliant. Oh, thank you.

There was a counter -proposal to fix the drains in an old people's home instead.

But due to budget cuts, they're going to close the home and tear the old people

out. Oh, marvellous.

I would have put money on you saying that.

Here, Trace.

I just had an email from that nice man down at the council. He says we're going

to start work on Vera's list straight away.

Travis!

Yeah, I reckon we really dodged a bullet there.

Travis! I'm getting it.

Hello, Travis.

Why's she here?

Maybe she's come to thank us.

That woman's never been grateful for anything in her life.

Well, you've made a right cock up, haven't you?

How? They're fixing the lifts.

But to do that, they've got to take them out of action for eight weeks.

Someone better go and pay Mark Hay.

Blackwood Tunnel's out of commission.

Had to use the Dartford Crossing.

There was up to 75 quid as a come -through effing.

So, where am I going to sleep?

Stop being shoved away like some old ornament. I want to be front and centre.

What are you doing with my frying pan?

I didn't go off with it.

I always keep a frying pan under me bed. It's what stopped me being ravished in

the night.

I don't think that was the frying pan, Vera.

I need a brandy. That almost gave me heart attack.

Give it five minutes, then have another go.

Shoot him!

Shoot him!

Hit the circle! Hit the circle!

Did you get my winkles?

Yep.

Couldn't have stolen up the Bedford Arms.

Where's the Bedford Arms?

Back in my flat.

I ain't going all the way to South London for winkles.

I just slept to Woodford to get these.

Are you comfortable there?

Well, I'll keep asking Sharon for another cushion.

She's a lady, so -and -so, you know. I've only had five cups of tea since you

went out.

Got any pilchards?

No, sorry.

You're not even concentrating any better than me.

Why didn't you get her a cushion?

I'm not waiting on her at a random foot.

No, you'll leave that to me.

She's taking over the whole house, Tracy.

She's been in there playing computer games all day. I mean, I often like to

and read in the lounge.

Why don't you just use the toilet like everyone else?

Look, I know she's difficult, but you should try and be a bit more

understanding. It's not easy having two up sticks at her age.

Even Vera might be feeling a bit unsettled and insecure.

Die! Die!

Die!

You give her this, and you try and be nice to her.

Aunty V's a really good assassin.

Good of thought.

Cushion, Vera.

Behind your head, behind your back, over your face.

Just there, lovely.

Are these sheets Egyptian cotton?

Not sure.

Could you check?

Only they're really chafing me. I'm getting a rash.

I've got some moisturiser you can borrow. It rejuvenates the skin.

Don't bother.

Don't seem to be doing you much good.

There is more elasticity in my skin than in all the outside, 50 -wash, grey

granny knickers of yours currently clogging up the dirty linen bin, you ill

-mannered, ungrateful old crone!

Dorian, kitchen.

You can't talk to her like that.

She's our aunt.

Yeah, and I'm your friend.

She can't just insult me when she wants.

Why? What makes you different?

Well, all we've got to do is put up for eight weeks until the lifts are sorted.

And then what?

We're never going to get her to go back living up on that third floor.

Well, we can't all live here, Trace.

Well, we can't just chuck her out on the street.

There's only one option, then.

A home.

Drastic. It's horrible, but it might be the best idea.

I couldn't help overhearing.

I think you're right, Tracy.

Home is the best solution.

Are you sure, V?

Yes. I had a mate who ended up in a very nice place in Eastbourne.

I could have a word arranged for you to have a look round.

Lee!

You get your own room to furnish just as you like.

Says you're coming into a tidy sum.

Hope you two got a bit put by for the stair lift.

I shall need it when I move into Doris's room.

Excuse me.

I came in here for a bit of peace and quiet.

Me and all.

This is the only room in the house where you can't hear her singing along. to

songs of praise.

Shut that door!

I'm on a late shift. I came in for a couple of hours kip. Well, it's only on

half an hour.

No, she's just downloading another six episodes.

And the hour -long Christmas special.

Shut that door!

This is intolerable, Tracy.

You have got to do something.

What can I do?

We're lumbered.

It's all right for you.

You're going in a home.

I'm not going in a home.

You two, with me.

I think we're wasting our

time, Dorf. Rubbish.

There must be someone on this estate willing to swap flats with Vera.

Bog off!

You're supposed to be here to protect me.

Do what?

I'm a chef.

You've got backup.

Where?

Me.

I think they're out.

No, there's someone there. I can hear movement.

Oh, my God.

That's shocking.

Yes, it is.

Certainly not.

Your mother would never forgive me.

Good afternoon.

Just a minute.

Harvey.

How can I help?

I'm here on behalf of Vera Connolly. That miserable old bag's moaning about

laptop I sold her. No, it's nothing like that.

She's interested in doing a flat swap.

Sorry. I'm willing to make it worth your while.

Really?

Well, in that case, you better come in.

paint your breath, Trace.

You've just tried that?

Yeah, and I wish I hadn't.

I'll bet you do.

That's the water I use to boil up Vera's bras.

Apparently, normal washing doesn't get them clean enough.

Shall I chuck it or do you want me to save it for your dinner?

Shut up, Trace. I'm going to be sick.

You two, in here.

What's going on? I don't want Vera listening in. She has the ears of the

that she is.

Our nightmare is over.

I've managed to find a man in her block who's willing to swap his ground floor

flat with her.

How have you managed that?

Well, I took him to one side and offered an inducement.

It was money.

How much?

I got him down to £5 ,000.

Where are we going to get £5 ,000?

No, you don't have to.

I'll pay.

I mean, I know it is all the money I got for my film rights, but I can't be

selfish.

I'm willing to sacrifice the whole lot just to get rid of her.

Well, that's very nice of you, Dawn, but we can't take your money.

Why can't we? Because she's our family. Our problem.

Yes, but that's why... I want to do this. I want you to think of me as

That's how much you mean to me.

Oh, Dore.

I don't want to leave here.

I've got used to being a part of all this.

Are you saying you love us?

Tracy, I'm very fond of you. I tolerate.

I say, come and empty my commode. It's up to the brim.

Let's do it. Right now, I'd pay five... Five million to get her act.

Lovely, isn't it, Fee?

Flat on the ground floor, just like you wanted.

It's pokey.

It's the same as your one upstairs.

Well, it's this flock wallpaper closing in on me.

I'm not overlooking the communal garden.

I used to like to shout at them kids when they was playing football.

No -one can call me a picky person.

I'll take it.

As long as you buy me a Nutella.

What? You can't expect me to go back to mine after playing games on your big

one.

Blackmail, is it?

You cunning old aunt.

Excuse me, before we start getting ahead of ourselves, there is a small matter

of my money.

Oh, yes.

There you are.

Lovely. Now I can fly to Thailand, buy myself a Mrs. Harvey.

I shan't be going for a few weeks, mind.

Do you fancy a little drink one night? No, I'm wedged up. I can show you a good

time.

There's no chance of someone mistaking that dead gerbil on your head for real

hair.

You stuck -up cow.

Why, you nasty piece of work.

I was just giving you five grand.

No, she ain't. She's giving me three thousand, as agreed.

You don't know what you're missing, darling.

So all that about you sacrificing all your money was a load of old crap.

Another one of your embellishments, was it?

I only did it because I wanted you to think of me as family.

Oi, if she's still flush, I want a 50 -inch telly. And a set of surround sound

speakers.

You know what, Dor?

You are part of our family.

Am I?

Yes. You're crafty...

canning and conniving.

You fit right in.

Drama in Jericho next as Annie faces a battle to keep a dark secret about her

family's past hidden.

And coming up on ITV2 from Anson Deck to the Kardashians, Keith Lemons playing

all of them in his brand new sketch show in an hour.

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