Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I...

You're smiling now.

You'll be begging for mercy in a minute.

Have you seen my sunglasses?

Yeah, nice.

No, I mean, where are they?

Try the top of your head.

Who were you talking to before?

Pizza.

Perhaps you should get out more.

No -one goes out on a Saturday, Dor.

Saturday's the new Sunday.

Pizza, telly, bottle of wine or three.

That's your bit.

No, thank you. I've got bigger fish to fry.

Oh, you're going to the chippy?

You want to try that new one.

There's a place for us.

Celebrities don't go to chip shops.

You ain't a celebrity, doll.

You're an old slapper who wrote a dirty book.

So where are you off to, then? That's for me to know.

And you to spend your dull, pointless little life finding out.

My life is not a dull...

Is it, Mr Pizza?

Yeah,

Trace. Half a hot of wine with extra hot.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. Didn't I say?

Say what?

You're seeing Barry again, ain't you?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because when I went for a coffee with him last week, you sulked for three

Because it's wrong, Trace.

Your Daryl's barely dead and buried.

It's been a long time since he was my Daryl.

And he's not buried. He's on the bookshelf.

I won't be late. It's just a quick drink.

It's a married copper.

He got divorced years ago.

So he says.

Just what she'd said, stomach trace.

I wouldn't have splashed out on a mega pizza.

But knowing I was going to be on me tod, I'd have made do with a jumbo.

Enjoy. Love you.

Bye, Garth.

Pass me some pizza.

No, thanks.

Trav's taking me for an Indian.

Can't say I'm really up for it, though.

What's wrong?

Well, it's just Dad, you know.

I can't get over how much I miss him.

Have you spoke to your mum?

No.

She can't bring him back, and I don't want to worry her.

You ready, then, mate? Yeah.

We would invite you along, aren't we, Shell?

But you're obviously set for the night.

Here's £50.

You can keep the change if you promise not to tell anyone I might be the

kidsiest bit laminated.

I wish you'd let me pay that towards a meal earlier.

Well, it wouldn't be a proper date if I let you do that, would it?

Didn't know it was.

A proper date.

Well, it could be.

If you want.

Two more tequilas, por favor.

Can I have some more of those chorizo fritters?

Oh, hello.

You're a good -looking chap, aren't you?

That's the mirror door.

Yeah.

Nice meeting you.

There we go.

Time for bed.

You should see Dorian. He's literally crawling up the stairs backwards.

Never mind her.

A quick drink, you said. I thought you'd been arrested.

Time flies when you're having fun.

I wouldn't know, would I?

So where do you go then?

Bingo?

Bowling?

Identity parade?

The Chegwell Chop House.

And what's that?

His martial arts club. That gastro club. Used to be the Drummond Monkey.

They've got a real wood -fired pizza oven.

You had a pizza?

It's what I fancied.

It's very what you fancy.

No, I don't. I didn't even shave my legs.

Armpits? You've got to do them. I'm not French.

Daryl will turn in his own.

And what about your boys, eh, Trace?

Especially Garthy.

He's devastated.

No, he's not. He'd tell me. He tells me everything.

Unless he didn't want to worry you. I know my Garthy, thank you, Sharon.

Everything all right, Gar? Yeah, sweet.

Couldn't be better, Mum.

See? I'm off to bed.

Night, door.

live all them crumbs on my worktop?

Course not, milady.

Where have you been?

Been to the garden centre.

Well, why? You're not even interested in gardening.

It's for Dad.

Devastated.

Aren't you a bit old for a sandpit, love?

I'm going to build a shrine for Dad.

What sort of shrine, exactly?

Garth and I went for an Indian last night. I was giving him an idea.

Where did you go?

Taj Mahal.

I am not having a Taj Mahal in my garden.

Of course not, Mum.

Garth wants a permanent memorial for Dad. What sort of memorial?

Remember that horrible thing on top of the earth?

Oh, yeah. Thank God we've seen the last of that.

I'm going to build a nice big cliff.

And I'm going to set this on it for everyone to see.

Forever. Well, that's lovely, Garth.

Your dad would be really chuffed.

He'd be even more chuffed to know that you're getting on with your life.

If this is what Garth feels he needs to do, Tracy... Come on, mate.

Get to the men.

And I want your opinion, Sharon.

I'll ask for it. What, so I'm not entitled to one?

I am his favourite auntie. You're his only auntie. Yeah, whatever.

I love him as much as you do. No, you don't. You're not his mum. You're

mum. So mind your own business.

Just so you know, that's not hurtful at all.

This isn't about Garth. It's about Barry. You're jealous.

Me? Jealous?

You've lost your marbles. Have I? I remember I used to cling on to his

bag on the back of that scooter.

That was 40 years ago.

Hello?

your glasses off, you dozy cow.

You were always the same every time I liked a bloke. Because all the blokes

liked were wallies. Excuse me, I still can't see.

Oh, no, too bright.

What did you get up to last night?

Oh, God, my head.

You don't remember, do you?

I know someone made me an enormous offer.

Why is it that everything you say comes out rude?

I know what I need.

A new head?

Since when did you read Get a Life?

I don't.

It's a lurid rag for mouth breathers and knuckle draggers.

Sharon's got a subscription.

I like the spot to sell you like competition.

Cheers. Oh, my God.

It's all coming back.

I'll get a bucket. No, no, no, no.

Get a Life are launching a new online webcast thingy. They plied me with

cocktails and begged me to be their agony aunt.

But they've already got one of those.

Uncle Henry.

Kind and caring.

And on remand for indecent exposure.

They need a replacement.

And they want Foxy Cohen.

Oh, that's brilliant, Dawn. No, no, no.

It's going live tonight.

And I'm supposed to be rehearsing this minute.

And I think I said I'd do it from my bedroom.

Tracey's going to love that.

Yeah? Mel Livingstone. Get a life online.

Would you be Foxy Cohen?

Do you want a slap?

Dorian!

Good luck with the close -ups.

Oh, no, dear.

You look like a corpse.

Move further up the bed.

No, not that much.

Your face is in the shadows now. Best place for it.

Are you and Tracy still at loggerheads?

If you mean have I still got the arseache with her, then yes.

She's poking her nose in where it's not wanted, telling me how to be a mum, and

telling me who I should and shouldn't be dating.

Ah! So you are dating PC Plod.

Busted. Grow up, Sharon. No, you grow up, Tracy. Grow up! No, you grow up,

Tracy. Please!

trying to launch a showbiz career here.

Right. These LEDs will light up when a call comes in. It'll go through to this

speaker, so relax and talk to the camera in your normal voice.

Hello.

You're through to Foxy.

What's eating you?

Do you want a cough sweep?

That's fine. Right, Foxy.

I'll be back this evening.

Right.

And don't worry.

You're going to be great.

Yeah. Not like you to let a man escape with his trousers on.

I know, but I'm terrified.

All these people ringing in with their trivial, working -class problems, and I

won't know what to say. You read Good Life, Sharon. You've got to help me.

Sorry, Dor. No can do.

This mouth -breathing knuckle -dragger's got bigger fish to fry.

There he is now.

All right, Garfield? Yeah.

Ready when you are.

Sharon. Barry.

Have you got a warrant or have I got to invite you in?

She's in the kitchen.

Thanks.

Mine.

Sharon's.

Mine.

Sharon's. Sharon's.

Oh, hello.

Come to help me with the housework?

I've brought you a little something.

Really? You dropped your lipstick in my car.

That's not mine.

Well, it's got to be. I've not had anyone else in there.

Only kidding. Thank you.

Why do I get the impression that Sharon doesn't like me?

Oh, she likes you, all right. That's the problem.

Eh? She doesn't like me liking you.

Oh.

So you like me, then, eh?

Of course I like you.

Yeah, but... But do you like me in, uh, that way?

What way is that, then?

Yeah, sorry, I think I've gone a bit far there, haven't I?

The thing is, Barry, I've got a lot on me plate at the moment.

Yeah. Yeah, I realise that.

I'll, uh, I'll get off it, then.

No need for that.

Bank for your coffee?

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Well, what about this?

Looks a little bit like Dad.

I was very fond of Daryl Garth, but he was no angel.

He still deserves something more than a jar on a shelf.

Yeah. Yeah, of course he does.

Ah.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Well, that's a shame.

No, it isn't. I like it.

You think?

Yeah.

That explains the price.

I'll talk to the man.

Hello.

You're through to Foxy.

What's eating you?

Hello.

You're through to Foxy. What's eating you?

All right, doll?

Yeah. Oh, got some smart kit in here.

I bet you're nervous, though. I'd be bricking it. Yeah, I am a little. Could

come in for a moment?

Oh, I'm not sure I should.

No, I've seen The Graduate.

You can hardly compare me with Mrs Robinson.

Oh, of course not. She was loads younger.

So what is it, Yvonne?

Do you have any problems of a personal or sexual nature?

What?

No, I'm rehearsing for my programme.

Actually, there is this girl I really like at school, Lottie. No.

Pretend you're phoning up.

Really?

Ring,

ring.

Ring, ring.

Why aren't you going to answer it?

Sorry.

Please hold. Your call is important to us.

Hello. You're through to Foxy.

What's eating you?

There's this girl I really like at school.

She keeps blowing hot and cold.

I know the technique.

Look, though, some days she's really nice to me, and, well, others, she won't

even lend me her memory stick.

Is that all?

I wonder my electric meter's going round faster than Lewis Hamilton.

I'd realise I'd never have agreed to this. Well, look, this is my future,

You can't pull the plug now.

I wouldn't do that.

Just try and keep it clean, eh?

Well, I'll do my best, but this is Get a Life, not the Jewish Chronicle.

What are you doing in here?

Well, Dorian just wanted to know if I've had any problems of a sexual nature.

How dare you involve my baby with your filth?

A word of advice, Tracy.

If you weren't so prudish, maybe Travis wouldn't be so repressed.

What?

I wouldn't say that Travis is repressed.

I'd say he's a gentleman.

Not that you can take any credit for that.

You talking to Daryl?

You talk to pizzas.

Where did you and Garfield get to?

He wanted someone to confide in.

Someone who appreciates just how much he's missing his dad.

And as you don't seem to think... I do, actually.

You do?

Yeah. You were right and I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, Barry was saying that when his dad passed away, he was devastated. Oh!

See, so when I suggest that Garth might need some emotional support, I'm an

interfering childless old spinster.

But when Detective Sergeant Boyfriend says exactly the same thing... I thought

you'd be pleased.

You have no idea, have you?

None at all.

Mum, Dorian's on in a minute. On his show, it's about to start.

I'm watching with you.

Well, good.

Girls, please be quiet.

We're about to go live.

Three, two, one.

You're on the air. Hello, this is Foxy Cohen.

Welcome to the first ever phone Foxy webcast.

I'm here to listen to your problems, no matter how personal or weird. In fact,

the weirder, the better.

Hello, Foxy.

family feud, I'm forced to watch you in the bog.

Hello. You're through to Foxy.

What's eating you?

Hello, Foxy.

I'm Lucy.

Bit nervous.

First time caller.

Well, I'm a bit nervous too. First time agony aunt.

The thing is, I think my boyfriend is poking one of my girlfriends.

I assume we're talking about Facebook.

As Foxy sees it, either you... sit indoors feeling sorry for yourself, or

get out there and poke all his friends.

She's doing all right, isn't she?

You're welcome, Lucy. Now, let's go to another call.

But, um... Before we take another caller, um,

I have a fascinating email here.

Um, it's from a...

Doreen of Chingford.

It says, Dear Foxy, I'm an incredibly well -preserved cougar, sharing

a house with two less well -preserved sisters, of whom I'm quite fond.

But they have so many issues, and I don't know how to help them. One sister,

let's call her Karen, is insecure, chronically work -shy, and addicted to

food.

Probably not addicted.

Just like some junk food.

And the other sister, let's call her Stacey, is clingy, uptight, and

sexually repressed.

She probably just doesn't fling herself under every bloke who passes.

Dear Doreen, there are some people it is impossible to help, and God knows I've

tried, but Karen and Stacey are so stubborn and pig -headed.

Oh, Don!

She's talking about us!

I mean, you could try banging their skulls together, but as they're both

hollow... How dare you? What are you doing?

Please, please, don't even think about it.

Do you reckon we should go up there?

What, and miss this?

What gives you the right to wash our dirty linen in public?

In my ass, using my electric.

Jeremy Carl, eat your heart out.

You've no idea, have you? Because you're an only child.

Yeah, your mum took one look...

out of him if you want to. I don't. I've told him I'm not ready.

Well, I'd like to thank our guests for exposing their issues tonight.

And I'm glad I was able to help them. You did actually, Dawn.

But we must move on because I can see we've got dozens of calls waiting.

Trace, if you really don't want to go out for Barry, do you mind if I have a

Hello, you're through to Foxy.

What's eating you?

Come on in, Trev. Look, this is silly.

Where did you get this blindfold from?

It's one of Dorian's.

Right, you can take it off now.

I haven't missed it, have I? Only Get Alive so loved my debut.

It wouldn't stop flying me with champagne.

If I never see another glass.

Ooh, lovely.

I really hope you like it, Mum.

Well, go on, Trace. Do the honours.

Well, what do you think?

It's perfect.

Still to come, there's panic in town and Johnny must make a huge sacrifice.

All new Jericho's next.

And tomorrow night, the Dolly sisters prove a welcome distraction to Harry as

the brand new series of Mr. Selfridge continues.

at Friday at 9.