Original subtitles

It's only right that the boys say a proper goodbye to their dad.

How many people are coupled in the back of a hearse and live to tell the tale?

You put it like that.

I reckon we've been burgled.

When I

think today could get any worse.

First the funeral, then this.

It's left me completely empty.

Like my bedroom.

And the old bill weren't much help.

Well, of course they weren't. As far as they're concerned, we're criminal scum.

Just because 30 -odd years ago, Daryl and Chris got into a little spot of

bother.

Involving sawn -off shotguns and security...

cocky door. They'll be looking at you funny too.

Yeah, well, probably just starstruck.

Don't kid yourself.

When they get back to the nick, they'll be looking you up in the boys' bumper

book of suspects.

I have never broken the law in my life.

No? I'd say strumping a gangster in the back of a runaway herd might be a teeny

bit illegal.

Possibly. But it will make a spectacular finale to my new book.

And no horses were harmed in the making.

Sharon?

Yeah? Are you sure you didn't leave your bedroom window open when we went out?

Don't start all that again, Trace.

If I had, there would be broken glass all over me floor, would there?

Only you do tend to leave your window open. Only because you tell me to leave

open. Only because your room stinks.

I would.

I'm amazed those burglars weren't knocked unconscious.

If you're going to get catty... Catty?

I'm the one that's lost most around here.

Some of my handbags are museum quality.

Like their owner.

I bet your mate Lenny had something to do with this. He was so keen to arrange

big funeral to get us out of the ass.

Oh, everything's my fault, isn't it? Well, now you come to mention it, yes.

Mrs Finch says we can keep the chairs till her next seance. Oh, bless her.

Did she see anything suspicious?

No, but she's going to have a word with her spirit guide.

Who is Ray Charles, so don't hold your breath.

She did say she thought she heard the window breaking, though.

See? But she must be confused because she reckons that was after we got home.

Yeah, well, she lost the plot years ago, didn't she?

Boys, can you do me a favour? Can you run down the corner shop and get

for dinner?

Where's it I need? I can defrost something.

You can't. Let's fold a microwave.

Just go.

You broke your own window, didn't you?

Well?

I had no choice, Trace.

window was left open, it weren't easy either.

I had to run up the stairs while you was down here reffing and blinding.

Then I had to hang out the window so that when I smashed it, all the glass

fall on the inside.

Because everyone knows if the glass had gone outside, the police would have

twigged it was an inside job.

What do you want, a medal?

Thank you would be nice.

Me ruby encrusted watch.

Me gold gate bracelet your dad gave me for our silver wedding.

I cleaned up all the glass, Trace.

And that toilet the copper used without lifting the seat.

You're so lucky those dozy sods didn't catch on, Shell.

Can I have my dinner now, Trace? All right.

Garfield? Now, mind out.

It's very hot. OK, OK, I've got it. Cheers. Thank you.

Sharon?

What?

I was going to say, be careful, you'll melt me table.

It's not my day, is it?

Is that your list for the insurance?

Yep.

That's how much is yours, aren't you, Shell?

No, not really.

Trust me, for cash, though.

picture of Pope John Paul II and the ruby slippers I bought at a car boot

They didn't take anything, actually.

Lucky old you.

Lucky?

Lucky, Trace? It's pathetic.

At least you had something worth stealing.

One of them left a souvenir in my knicker drawer.

Filthy animal.

Aren't you cleaned it up?

Oh, this.

Obviously felt sorry for me.

How much for that leather jacket they knit?

350, plus having my name put on the back.

I'll call it 500 then.

Mum, that's 30 quid a letter.

But I used loads of studs. Sounds like Dorian.

Well, at least you can replace yours. Your brother's lost his laptop with all

his school stuff on it.

But it's all backed up, so...

So no worries.

No worries?

I bought you that for your 18th. Yeah, but it... Weren't only school stuff on

it, was it, bruv?

See you later, Mum.

Oh, I like the new look, door.

Can't see your face at all.

What's all that?

Receipts, photographs, valuations of everything I own.

I tried adding it up, but my calculator blew a fuse.

Telling us?

So you can add it to the claim, of course.

Oh, your insurance broke us in for a bit of a shock.

There'll be Lloyd's names leaping out of high windows all across the square

mile.

What is it?

You haven't let the policy lapse?

Of course not. I'm not stupid.

Oh, thank God.

Then what?

Oh, thing is, Dawn, this is a family policy.

Yes. So?

So you're not family.

What?

I'm sorry, Dor.

You're sorry?

Well, I thought you'd have your own policy.

Well, why would I? I live here. I pay my way. Unlike some people called Sharon.

Well, doesn't that make me family?

Look, family are people that you have to take care of, even if they don't make a

contribution. And quite frankly, get on your Brad Pitt's most of the time.

Exactly.

Well, I am not taking this lying down.

There's a novelty.

You come to take the mickey too?

Can I come in?

Depends. You got a search warrant?

Oh, be fair, Tracy.

It's Mrs Stubbs to you, Detective Sergeant Farmer.

Please, Mrs Stubbs.

Look, I'm here as a friend, not as a copper.

Where did you get the idea we're friends?

Oh!

Have the boys in blue made a brilliant breakthrough?

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

Look, can I have a private word, Mrs Stubbs?

No. Whatever you've got to say, you can say in front of Sharon.

You say so.

This was the sitting room until they took the seats.

Didn't leave much, did they?

Well, that detective training wasn't a complete waste of time.

Look, I know people think we don't give burglary cases a high priority.

A priority?

Those coppers didn't even notice the broken window.

I had to point it out to them.

Oh, no, they spied it, all right. They're not quite as stupid as they

Well, one of them isn't, anyway.

Of course, there's no law against breaking your own window, Sharon. It's a

country. But there is a law against falsifying an insurance claim for

advantage.

Is pecuniary the same as money?

Yeah. I was afraid you'd say that.

You moron, Sharon!

You complete waste of space!

What were you thinking? She wasn't thinking. She doesn't think.

She functions on an instinctual level like our ape cousins.

out of tin cans until we dropped dead of hypothermia.

Because they sold all the bedding too.

Well, now you know how I feel, Tracy.

Look, can I say something?

No.

There's nothing you can say. There's nothing you can do.

But I can, Trace. I can fix it.

Like you fixed that window.

I can talk to Lenny.

I'm not having some sleazy villain recover my possessions.

So what are you going to do? Hire a...

I never knew you were friends of the Green Bays.

Shall I rack them up?

I ain't in the mood for snooker.

Billiards?

You know why we're here, Lynne?

The burglary.

Oh, yeah, I heard.

I'm very sorry.

Is that a confession?

You don't think I have anything to do with it, do you?

Well, be fair, Lynne.

You are in the removals business.

Ah, but I've got an alibi, haven't I?

I was at a funeral.

With you two?

I've told you, he's as useful as a sniffer dog with hay fever.

And I thought you still liked me, Lenny.

Yeah?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll put the word about it. Now, don't you worry. On my nan's eyes, I'll find

the chances who robbed you, and then there may well be another funeral.

That's very Christian of you.

Anything for you, Sharon.

Now, you just go home and leave it to Lenny.

No time like the present, eh, Len?

What? Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. I'll put the feelers out.

Use it and lose it.

You're Boxy Cohen, aren't you?

I've just been reading about you.

You sure you're in the right sort of pawn shop?

Quite sure.

Now, have you got anything like this?

It's a bit out of my league.

This is Romford Market, not Rodeo Drive.

Ah, that would explain the lack of Kardashians, then.

If you're looking for a bit of class, I've got a lovely necklace and earrings.

Cubic zirconiums, but you never tell the difference.

I'm not buying.

I'm hunting for my stolen possessions.

Oh.

Well, what are you asking me for?

Aren't you a trellis? Trellis?

Someone who deals in stolen property.

You mean fence.

Yes, well, it's all the same thing, isn't it?

Sorry.

None of this schmuck has crossed my counter.

And you know what, Foxy?

This is really a job for the police.

The police?

They couldn't find their own backside with both hands in a brightly lit room.

I need a result, Lenny.

Tracey's doing me a din.

I was just talking to Lenny. He says he's getting warmer.

Maybe he should take that stupid tank top off then.

We've bumped into Mrs Finch. Oh, does she want her chairs back yet? No, but

she's had a word with Ray Charles and he thinks we should be looking for a man

who's not a man.

Great advice from a clairvoyant who's not a clairvoyant.

She's all out of breath. Oh, I don't want to know why.

Give it here.

Yes, doll.

Fantastic.

She's in Rumford Market and she's got a lead.

side, I imagine.

You imagine?

I saw him go in. I didn't dare follow him, not on my own.

You recognise him again, though?

I won't forget that evil criminal sneer if I live to be a hundred.

Well, that gives us a year to catch him.

you should go home now, love.

Mum, I'm 18.

I'm as straight as the next man.

Have you seen the next man?

Good evening, Satan boys!

And girls.

And those of you who are still deciding.

Welcome to our world -famous talent night. Well, I say world -famous.

They've definitely heard of us in Billericay.

Reckless. Did you all enjoy my first book,

Sixty Shades of Green?

Good. While I'm working on a follow -up, Seventy Shades of Pew.

Here she goes.

Come on everyone, party with Pope Lee.

Now they're all done.

I got them from a junk shop in Ilford.

No,

Charles was right.

Maybe we should rescue her.

I'm never taking it off again.

Sorry I doubted you, Barry.

Well, once you tracked down Poxy... I did your job for you, you mean.

The whole case broke wide open.

In fact, there's only one thing we haven't been able to recover.

My laptop.

Sharon's Picasso.

Say lovey.

Here you go, son.

Well, say thank you.

Thanks.

Don't worry, you think we're safe with me.

But, uh, every single episode of Countryfile, weird.

bedroom on the left.

I'm going upstairs.

I may be some time.

As good as my words shout.

What's all this, Lynn?

Rag and bowmen don't usually deliver.

It's furniture, isn't it?

Loosely speaking.

But it's not mine.

I know that, Trace. But the South London underworld shut up tighter than a nun's

naughty bits.

So me and the lads, we had a bit of a whip round.

And that's the best you could come up with.

You've missed a bus, Lenny. We recovered everything. In North London.

No.

Well, what am I going to do with all that cash?

Put it back.

Well, duty calls.

Thanks, Barry.

I owe you one.

Oh, yeah? What are you doing Tuesday?

Not a lot.

Oh, fancy a coffee, then?

That'd be lovely.

All right.

Come on, you.

Yeah, OK.

In case it happens, Shell, I reckon you owe me one, too.

I mean, after all, I did come through for you, didn't I?

that, Lenny.

What were you expecting exactly?

Well, I'll let you decide that, darling.

How about a little something out of my knicker drawer?

Well, now you're talking.

There you go. Don't go spending it all at once.

Coming up.

Annie tries to keep her secrets buried. All -new Jericho is next.

And tomorrow night, proving he's still got what it takes, the fabulous new

series of Mr Selfridge continues at nine.

And the National Television Awards are coming.

And to make sure your favourite show wins, vote now at nationaltvawards .com.

Slash vote.