All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s12e02 Too Much of Nothing

It's only right that the boys say a
proper goodbye to their dad.

How many people are coupled in the back
of a hearse and live to tell the tale?

You put it like that.

I reckon we've been burgled.

When I

think today could get any worse.

First the funeral, then this.

It's left me completely empty.

Like my bedroom.

And the old bill weren't much help.

Well, of course they weren't. As far as
they're concerned, we're criminal scum.

Just because 30 -odd years ago, Daryl
and Chris got into a little spot of

bother.

Involving sawn -off shotguns and
security...

cocky door. They'll be looking at you
funny too.

Yeah, well, probably just starstruck.

Don't kid yourself.

When they get back to the nick, they'll
be looking you up in the boys' bumper

book of suspects.

I have never broken the law in my life.

No? I'd say strumping a gangster in the
back of a runaway herd might be a teeny

bit illegal.

Possibly. But it will make a spectacular
finale to my new book.

And no horses were harmed in the making.

Sharon?

Yeah? Are you sure you didn't leave your
bedroom window open when we went out?

Don't start all that again, Trace.

If I had, there would be broken glass
all over me floor, would there?

Only you do tend to leave your window
open. Only because you tell me to leave

open. Only because your room stinks.

I would.

I'm amazed those burglars weren't
knocked unconscious.

If you're going to get catty... Catty?

I'm the one that's lost most around
here.

Some of my handbags are museum quality.

Like their owner.

I bet your mate Lenny had something to
do with this. He was so keen to arrange

big funeral to get us out of the ass.

Oh, everything's my fault, isn't it?
Well, now you come to mention it, yes.

Mrs Finch says we can keep the chairs
till her next seance. Oh, bless her.

Did she see anything suspicious?

No, but she's going to have a word with
her spirit guide.

Who is Ray Charles, so don't hold your
breath.

She did say she thought she heard the
window breaking, though.

See? But she must be confused because
she reckons that was after we got home.

Yeah, well, she lost the plot years ago,
didn't she?

Boys, can you do me a favour? Can you
run down the corner shop and get

for dinner?

Where's it I need? I can defrost
something.

You can't. Let's fold a microwave.

Just go.

You broke your own window, didn't you?

Well?

I had no choice, Trace.

window was left open, it weren't easy
either.

I had to run up the stairs while you was
down here reffing and blinding.

Then I had to hang out the window so
that when I smashed it, all the glass

fall on the inside.

Because everyone knows if the glass had
gone outside, the police would have

twigged it was an inside job.

What do you want, a medal?

Thank you would be nice.

Me ruby encrusted watch.

Me gold gate bracelet your dad gave me
for our silver wedding.

I cleaned up all the glass, Trace.

And that toilet the copper used without
lifting the seat.

You're so lucky those dozy sods didn't
catch on, Shell.

Can I have my dinner now, Trace? All
right.

Garfield? Now, mind out.

It's very hot. OK, OK, I've got it.
Cheers. Thank you.

Sharon?

What?

I was going to say, be careful, you'll
melt me table.

It's not my day, is it?

Is that your list for the insurance?

Yep.

That's how much is yours, aren't you,
Shell?

No, not really.

Trust me, for cash, though.

picture of Pope John Paul II and the
ruby slippers I bought at a car boot

They didn't take anything, actually.

Lucky old you.

Lucky?

Lucky, Trace? It's pathetic.

At least you had something worth
stealing.

One of them left a souvenir in my
knicker drawer.

Filthy animal.

Aren't you cleaned it up?

Oh, this.

Obviously felt sorry for me.

How much for that leather jacket they
knit?

350, plus having my name put on the
back.

I'll call it 500 then.

Mum, that's 30 quid a letter.

But I used loads of studs. Sounds like
Dorian.

Well, at least you can replace yours.
Your brother's lost his laptop with all

his school stuff on it.

But it's all backed up, so...

So no worries.

No worries?

I bought you that for your 18th. Yeah,
but it... Weren't only school stuff on

it, was it, bruv?

See you later, Mum.

Oh, I like the new look, door.

Can't see your face at all.

What's all that?

Receipts, photographs, valuations of
everything I own.

I tried adding it up, but my calculator
blew a fuse.

Telling us?

So you can add it to the claim, of
course.

Oh, your insurance broke us in for a bit
of a shock.

There'll be Lloyd's names leaping out of
high windows all across the square

mile.

What is it?

You haven't let the policy lapse?

Of course not. I'm not stupid.

Oh, thank God.

Then what?

Oh, thing is, Dawn, this is a family
policy.

Yes. So?

So you're not family.

What?

I'm sorry, Dor.

You're sorry?

Well, I thought you'd have your own
policy.

Well, why would I? I live here. I pay my
way. Unlike some people called Sharon.

Well, doesn't that make me family?

Look, family are people that you have to
take care of, even if they don't make a

contribution. And quite frankly, get on
your Brad Pitt's most of the time.

Exactly.

Well, I am not taking this lying down.

There's a novelty.

You come to take the mickey too?

Can I come in?

Depends. You got a search warrant?

Oh, be fair, Tracy.

It's Mrs Stubbs to you, Detective
Sergeant Farmer.

Please, Mrs Stubbs.

Look, I'm here as a friend, not as a
copper.

Where did you get the idea we're
friends?

Oh!

Have the boys in blue made a brilliant
breakthrough?

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

Look, can I have a private word, Mrs
Stubbs?

No. Whatever you've got to say, you can
say in front of Sharon.

You say so.

This was the sitting room until they
took the seats.

Didn't leave much, did they?

Well, that detective training wasn't a
complete waste of time.

Look, I know people think we don't give
burglary cases a high priority.

A priority?

Those coppers didn't even notice the
broken window.

I had to point it out to them.

Oh, no, they spied it, all right.
They're not quite as stupid as they

Well, one of them isn't, anyway.

Of course, there's no law against
breaking your own window, Sharon. It's a

country. But there is a law against
falsifying an insurance claim for

advantage.

Is pecuniary the same as money?

Yeah. I was afraid you'd say that.

You moron, Sharon!

You complete waste of space!

What were you thinking? She wasn't
thinking. She doesn't think.

She functions on an instinctual level
like our ape cousins.

out of tin cans until we dropped dead of
hypothermia.

Because they sold all the bedding too.

Well, now you know how I feel, Tracy.

Look, can I say something?

No.

There's nothing you can say. There's
nothing you can do.

But I can, Trace. I can fix it.

Like you fixed that window.

I can talk to Lenny.

I'm not having some sleazy villain
recover my possessions.

So what are you going to do? Hire a...

I never knew you were friends of the
Green Bays.

Shall I rack them up?

I ain't in the mood for snooker.

Billiards?

You know why we're here, Lynne?

The burglary.

Oh, yeah, I heard.

I'm very sorry.

Is that a confession?

You don't think I have anything to do
with it, do you?

Well, be fair, Lynne.

You are in the removals business.

Ah, but I've got an alibi, haven't I?

I was at a funeral.

With you two?

I've told you, he's as useful as a
sniffer dog with hay fever.

And I thought you still liked me, Lenny.

Yeah?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll put the word about it. Now, don't
you worry. On my nan's eyes, I'll find

the chances who robbed you, and then
there may well be another funeral.

That's very Christian of you.

Anything for you, Sharon.

Now, you just go home and leave it to
Lenny.

No time like the present, eh, Len?

What? Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. I'll
put the feelers out.

Use it and lose it.

You're Boxy Cohen, aren't you?

I've just been reading about you.

You sure you're in the right sort of
pawn shop?

Quite sure.

Now, have you got anything like this?

It's a bit out of my league.

This is Romford Market, not Rodeo Drive.

Ah, that would explain the lack of
Kardashians, then.

If you're looking for a bit of class,
I've got a lovely necklace and earrings.

Cubic zirconiums, but you never tell the
difference.

I'm not buying.

I'm hunting for my stolen possessions.

Oh.

Well, what are you asking me for?

Aren't you a trellis? Trellis?

Someone who deals in stolen property.

You mean fence.

Yes, well, it's all the same thing,
isn't it?

Sorry.

None of this schmuck has crossed my
counter.

And you know what, Foxy?

This is really a job for the police.

The police?

They couldn't find their own backside
with both hands in a brightly lit room.

I need a result, Lenny.

Tracey's doing me a din.

I was just talking to Lenny. He says
he's getting warmer.

Maybe he should take that stupid tank
top off then.

We've bumped into Mrs Finch. Oh, does
she want her chairs back yet? No, but

she's had a word with Ray Charles and he
thinks we should be looking for a man

who's not a man.

Great advice from a clairvoyant who's
not a clairvoyant.

She's all out of breath. Oh, I don't
want to know why.

Give it here.

Yes, doll.

Fantastic.

She's in Rumford Market and she's got a
lead.

side, I imagine.

You imagine?

I saw him go in. I didn't dare follow
him, not on my own.

You recognise him again, though?

I won't forget that evil criminal sneer
if I live to be a hundred.

Well, that gives us a year to catch him.

you should go home now, love.

Mum, I'm 18.

I'm as straight as the next man.

Have you seen the next man?

Good evening, Satan boys!

And girls.

And those of you who are still deciding.

Welcome to our world -famous talent
night. Well, I say world -famous.

They've definitely heard of us in
Billericay.

Reckless. Did you all enjoy my first
book,

Sixty Shades of Green?

Good. While I'm working on a follow -up,
Seventy Shades of Pew.

Here she goes.

Come on everyone, party with Pope Lee.

Now they're all done.

I got them from a junk shop in Ilford.

No,

Charles was right.

Maybe we should rescue her.

I'm never taking it off again.

Sorry I doubted you, Barry.

Well, once you tracked down Poxy... I
did your job for you, you mean.

The whole case broke wide open.

In fact, there's only one thing we
haven't been able to recover.

My laptop.

Sharon's Picasso.

Say lovey.

Here you go, son.

Well, say thank you.

Thanks.

Don't worry, you think we're safe with
me.

But, uh, every single episode of
Countryfile, weird.

bedroom on the left.

I'm going upstairs.

I may be some time.

As good as my words shout.

What's all this, Lynn?

Rag and bowmen don't usually deliver.

It's furniture, isn't it?

Loosely speaking.

But it's not mine.

I know that, Trace. But the South London
underworld shut up tighter than a nun's

naughty bits.

So me and the lads, we had a bit of a
whip round.

And that's the best you could come up
with.

You've missed a bus, Lenny. We recovered
everything. In North London.

No.

Well, what am I going to do with all
that cash?

Put it back.

Well, duty calls.

Thanks, Barry.

I owe you one.

Oh, yeah? What are you doing Tuesday?

Not a lot.

Oh, fancy a coffee, then?

That'd be lovely.

All right.

Come on, you.

Yeah, OK.

In case it happens, Shell, I reckon you
owe me one, too.

I mean, after all, I did come through
for you, didn't I?

that, Lenny.

What were you expecting exactly?

Well, I'll let you decide that, darling.

How about a little something out of my
knicker drawer?

Well, now you're talking.

There you go. Don't go spending it all
at once.

Coming up.

Annie tries to keep her secrets buried.
All -new Jericho is next.

And tomorrow night, proving he's still
got what it takes, the fabulous new

series of Mr Selfridge continues at
nine.

And the National Television Awards are
coming.

And to make sure your favourite show
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