Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

Not this one.

Dorian was using this to soak adventures.

Oh, I forgot about them.

I bought this lot to replace that lot.

No wonder there's never anything to drink out of.

I'll go get the cereal box.

Good boy, Travis.

See, I do my share.

You get him too, you mean.

It's called delegating, Trace.

If you make it a cup of tea, I'll have one.

And it's only one of that Plattenberg left. No, but there's enough penicillin

this mug.

Secure door in or whatever she's called this week.

Don't worry, doll.

I'll put your gnashers under your pillow.

You can expect a visit tonight from a platoon of tooth fairies.

I have no idea what you're talking about, Sharon, and absolutely no desire

learn.

The publisher didn't like your new book, then? No, he didn't.

He said 80 Shades of Ecstasy was more like 70 Yards of Yawn.

expect from that brainless ungrateful time server oh we didn't like this bit

we didn't like that bit what a nerve insulting your bits

so

basically the new one's not dirty enough exactly

and it's all your fault tracy

Since living here, I have had fewer steamy encounters than Sharon's had paid

jobs.

I mean, I can hardly invite a gentleman caller back to this temple of bourgeois

repression, can I?

What's that supposed to mean?

I think she's trying to say you're cramping her style, Tracey.

No, I'm not. I just don't want any more of your geriatric hanky -panky in my ad.

Look, you just need to be more...

Creative door. For example, I did it once in a skip behind screw

fix.

Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.

Oh, it's not that liver supreme again, is it? No, it's brains au gratin.

Oh, lovely.

I ain't having any of that.

Oh, of course not.

The last thing anyone in this house needs is more brains.

That was a chef's special, but for some reason, nobody ordered it.

Oh, I like the jacket, mate.

What, this old thing?

Don't you think that you should give your mum some housekeeping before you go

splashing out on yourself?

That's rich coming from you, Sharon. Well, as it happens.

Here you go, Mum.

Oh, thanks, love.

You robbed a bank?

Well, it does run in the family.

I got paid.

Who's that?

Yeah? We're looking for a Mr Garth Stubbs.

It's the old Bill. Quick, you've got wives. No, I haven't done anything.

don't do courtesy calls. Get in there.

You two, pack actual.

The old bill have gone.

What's he done?

Nothing. I told you!

What do the police want, then?

Boys, you'd better come and sit down.

Well, that sounds ominous.

About your dad.

What's he done now?

He's had an accident.

He fell through a warehouse roof in Wrexham.

Oh!

I mean, it's bad enough they make people work for minimum wage without sending

them up on unsafe roofs.

Haven't they ever heard of health and safety in Wales?

It was breaking in.

Well, there's a surprise.

Well, where is he now? Can we see him?

Well, that's a thing, isn't it?

What's a thing?

Oh, my God, Tracey, isn't... Oh, Tracey, I'm so sorry.

Well, why were the police asking for Garth?

He's an ex of kin.

Who's an ex of kin? Not since the divorce.

What the bloody hell was he doing up on that roof?

He never had a head for heights.

Well, he did lead that rooftop protest at Strangeways.

That was after he nicked a bottle of tranquilisers from the prison

Suddenly I'm living with the Sopranos.

Well, he should have known.

Crime's a young man's game.

You go running round on rooftops, sooner or later something's got to give.

Well... I knew this would happen one day.

Right, why don't we all just have a nice cup of tea, eh? Well, I think we need

something stronger than that.

You all right, boys?

What's he doing robbing warehouses at his age anyway?

Loser.

Hold on.

That's our dad you're rubbishing.

Look, I know you loved him, mate, but I only met him five times, and four of

them I needed a prison visiting order.

Look, he might have been a dad to you, but he wasn't a dad to me.

What were you going to do about the funeral?

It's nothing to do with us.

How can you say that? We split up 15 years ago.

Your dad had made a new life for himself and we weren't part of it. Mum, you've

got to do something, Trace.

Daryl loved you.

Everything he did, he did for you.

Wasn't that the theme song from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves?

Just asking.

Everything he did was at the end of a sawn -off shotgun.

He never gave me anything legitimate.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, cheers for that, Mum.

Except for you and your brother.

Look, I know you're angry, Tracy, but you still need some closure.

If it helps, I've seen a little black dress that's just crying out for an

occasion like this.

I'm not buying a little black dress. No, not for you, for me.

What? If you find half a chicken doner down there, it's mine.

It's in the bin.

Oi! I was going to have that while I was watching Saturday Kitchen.

Look, I know you're trying to cheer me up, Sal.

No, I ain't!

I really was going to have it while I was watching Saturday Pictures.

Look, I just want all this to be over.

I know.

Look, sit down for a minute, Joyce.

Look, I popped into some funeral places on the way home. I know you mean well,

but all this does is remind me of when I was a gangster's mole for 25 years.

I never even knew.

At least Daryl looked after you.

Gave you a beautiful house.

Smashing kids, lovely jewellery.

I was married to a bank robber too.

All Chris ever gave me was herpes.

And I don't even like Greek food.

Liar.

Look, Trace, there's lots of good deals going on. I mean, one of them does buy

one, get one free.

And Dorian ain't getting any younger.

I'll get it.

Unless you want me to hide in the cupboard again.

Stick these in some water, son. And I won't say no to a cuppa. Three sugars.

It's been an hell of a shock.

Tracey, I just heard.

What a tragedy.

That could have easily been me up there on that roof.

Sharon, what can I say?

If you can say what you're doing here, Lenny, then you can say goodbye.

How did you hear, Len? You're joking.

It's the sole topic of conversation in every suit rule in Romford.

Sad day.

We're going to give him a good send -off, though.

Suit yourself.

If you want to trek all the way to Wrexham... Wrexham?

Nobody's going to Wrexham. He's got to be buried down here among his own

You ex... Expect me to pay for a big East End funeral for a man who's let me

down time after time.

Look, you don't have to worry your pretty little head about the wedge

The lads will pay for everything.

At the goodness of their hearts. He was one of their own.

All you've got to do is decide what sort of funeral you want.

Well, that's very generous of you, Lenny.

Look, there's plenty of options.

You can have him buried or cremated, religious or humanist. You can even

have a holistic pagan funeral in Epping Forest.

As far as I'm concerned, you can have him stuffed.

Did I do that as well?

Not at the co -op, no.

Excuse us.

Look, Trace, this funeral ain't going to cost you a penny.

And it's only right that the boys say a proper goodbye to their dad.

All right, we'll have the funeral.

But I don't want to be beholden to you, Lenny. So make sure you keep it

dignified, short and cheap.

Good turnout, eh?

Every dodgy gator in East London by the look of it.

Sad day.

Sad day.

You look tasty, shall?

There's a time and a place, Lenny. Yeah?

You tell me where and when.

The Don Corleone Appreciation Society.

Although that one is strangely attractive in a wolfish kind of way.

Is that a gun in his pocket?

It's a gun.

You're not all gangsters, are you?

No, the one in the long frock is a vicar.

would have wanted.

Come on then, bruv.

What?

Have we got a well -carried date?

Well, I can't.

That'd be such a wuss.

What?

He's dead.

You kind of have to be to get in a coffin.

We want to help.

There's no need, son.

We're all experts at manhandling corpses.

Lol.

Well, in that case, no.

It's our duty.

Come on, Trace. You should be going in there.

Hold on. It's Barry Bloody Farmer.

I don't remember inviting the old Bill.

Just pay me respect.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Mrs Stubbs. Oh, don't give me that,

You've been taking pictures of Daryl's mates, haven't you?

Well, I'm only checking to see who's crawled out from under their respective

stones. You've got a nerve. And I think I actually used to like you.

Come on, let's get it over with.

I'll wait here.

Fumals make me nervous.

Yeah, well, they would at your age.

I'd like to thank you all for coming to this sad occasion.

Certainly is a terrific turnout.

Let's begin by singing our first hymn. It is a folly and a crime.

Vince. Hello, Vince.

Do funerals make you nervous too?

No, just bored.

You know, I mean, I've been to so many.

Have I seen you somewhere?

It's entirely possible.

Yeah, I saw your photo fit up on the board at Anal Nick, didn't I? You most

certainly did not.

I'm an internationally acclaimed novelist.

Perhaps you've read Sixty Shades of Green.

Can't read.

Quaint.

I've heard it.

You mean you've heard of it?

No, don't tell me what I mean, love.

My cellmate used to read out all the best bits. You know, if I gave him a

him a phone card.

So, um, have all them things really happened to you?

All them things and more.

Writing another one?

Well, I've almost finished one, actually.

Just needs a little more cut and thrust.

Daryl was one of the best.

I'm not saying that he never bent the rules, but like it says in the good

let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Well, Daryl did cast the first stone.

when he led that protest on the roof of Strangeways.

To be completely honest, Daryl cast the first tile.

He got three months' loss of privileges for that, but the rest of the rioters

ended up with tellies in their cells.

And I know you've always been very grateful.

in a giraffe.

I couldn't.

Not in there.

Oh, a big strong man like you.

What are you afraid of?

Ghosts? No, it just doesn't seem right, does it?

Well, of course it's not right.

That's what makes it so thrilling.

How many people were coupled in the back of a hearse and lived to tell the tale?

But if you don't want to feature in the climactic passage of Foxy Cohen's next

bonk buster...

I could put it like that.

Oh, my God, it is a gun.

Careful.

I gave Daryl Stubbs the best years of my life.

And for most of that time, I had no idea that he was in the same line of

business as you lot.

I was at school when Daryl first asked me for a date.

I jumped it.

He was the most handsomest boy in the class, with a nice smile.

And he had a car.

Different one every week.

I was still a girl when we met, but in his hands I became a woman.

I'll never forget the night he showed me.

I had to do a handbrake turn.

He wasn't perfect, far from it, but he was a good dad, a good provider,

and the only man I ever loved.

Okay. Which one of you jokers have nicked the earth?

Leave us, Trace. We never steal from our own.

Where the hell have you been?

Welcome, Stella.

Did your husband actually have a sister?

At least you got a chance to tell everyone how much you loved Earl.

Well, of course I loved him. That's why I'm so bloody angry with him. That's the

irony of love, isn't it?

Did you hear something, Sharon?

Are you still not talking to me?

There it goes again. You can't blame me, Tracy.

When a research opportunity like that presents itself, you have to grasp it

both hands.

Hang about.

Where's my sideboard gone?

to tell you that Essex is on the way up.

And there's more from the girls next Thursday night at 8 .30.

A new life, a new startling adventure in 1870s Yorkshire. Our new drama next is

Jericho.

Tiger's got a new pal as we bring you more sun -drenched comedy from the Costa

next Monday night at 9. It's Ben and Dawn.