Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue? What'll

I do when I...

elbow grease into it, Travis.

Is that banner ready yet?

Oh, I'm doing it right now. Right, let's have a look.

Nearly there.

You had one job, Garth.

Oh, my God.

I could go and get another one. No, it's too late now. She'll be home tomorrow.

Just take it down.

And get on with your ironing. Yeah, all right.

Your mum's doing time for you. At least she can expect when she comes home with

some freshly ironed clothes instead of those filthy prison rags they made her

wear. I thought they wore their own clothes.

I won't tell you again, Gar.

Well done, Travis.

Keep this up, you can get a job at Downton Abbey.

What are these for?

They're sugar tongs.

Be careful with those. They're an heirloom.

Your dad nicked them from a silversmith in Kings Lynn.

But doesn't the sugar sort of fall out?

Lump sugar, Travis.

I bet Maggie Smith never has to put up with this.

I can't believe Mum's back tomorrow.

This last month's felt like a year. When she gets home, we are going to boil her

rotten, yeah?

I'm going to keep you to that.

Tracy! Oh, Mum.

Tracy, have you escaped?

Did you get time off for good behaviour?

I always knew I was coming out today.

I just told you it was tomorrow cos I didn't want a big fuss at the prison

gates. Enough of that with your dad.

Thank God you're home, Mum.

It hasn't been the same with Aunty Shell in charge.

Well, someone had to be in control, so I rose to the occasion, didn't I, boys?

Yeah, you could say that.

Well, while you're rising to the occasion, any chance of a cuppa?

Course. Travis Kettle.

Forget the tea.

I bought a magnum of vintage champagne to celebrate.

Has your book started selling again?

Not really, but there's more than one way a woman of the world can generate a

little extra income.

Don't even go there.

Garth, would you? Only if he was desperate.

I'll get the champagne glasses.

Where are they, Mum? Top cupboard, left -hand side.

No, top cupboard, right -hand side.

What? I've done a bit of reorganising. Why?

Because the stuff you use the most should be in the most convenient

It's all in the Bible.

You haven't thanked God while I've been inside.

No.

No, this Bible.

Kitchen Commando by Jed Q.

Kowalski. All the secrets of a professional kitchen in one handy

Bit like me, really.

Right.

To Tracy. To Tracy. To me. Welcome home.

And to me.

The new kitchen supervisor of Broad Park Secondary. You got the kitchen

supervisor job? Why didn't you say?

I didn't want to count any chickens.

No, that'd be my job. We got through 37 last week.

You're working with show in the kitchen?

Why didn't you say?

She's on trial.

I can't get my head around all these changes.

So, how was porridge, as they say?

They don't.

I don't want to talk about it. It's all history.

I'm moving forward from now on. I'm going to go out there, I'm going to get

myself a job and I'm going to earn a few bob.

Because God knows we need it.

You could get a job in a school canteen.

There's always loads of vacancies.

We have a very high turnover for some reason.

I'm setting my sights higher than that, which is why I did a carpentry course.

What do you reckon?

without wishing to state the obvious.

Look, I know it's only got two legs, but I didn't have time to finish the

course. Next time, I'll try and get a longer sentence, eh?

That's a load of cobblers, Garthy.

Well, plum cobbler's their favourite pudding.

We can't afford plums.

What about, um... Plum tomato cobbler?

It's not really the same thing, is it?

then you should have gone over budget on buying luxury ingredients.

Eggs are not a luxury.

They are for these kids.

You're spoiling them for when they leave here and have to exist on burgers and

benefits.

Conrad! I didn't know it was hot.

Don't you have hot food in Romania?

Not often.

That is why I came to Britain.

Clean them up, will you? Look, these things happen in kitchens, Aunty Chow.

Mrs.

Theodoperloperdus.

Not in mine.

Excuse me, Mrs.

Theo... Theo Dupone. Look, I've told you before, Cecily.

Just call me Mrs. T. What is it? They sent a replacement for Bella.

Which one's Bella?

The one who had a nervous breakdown.

Oh, lightweight.

Right. Director to my executive office suite.

I wonder what pathetic no -hoper I'm going to have to whip into shape this

Hello, Shell.

Trace! That's a nice surprise.

I ain't really got time to talk. I've got to interview some loser from the

centre.

That'll be me.

Are you kidding?

I thought you were going to set your sights higher.

I was. I told him I was looking for something in bespoke cabinet -making.

Did you show him his stool sample?

impressed. They said this is the only job on offer. Take it or leave it. Well,

then I'm pleased to offer you the position.

Come on, Trist.

It won't be that bad. You might like it. Mrs.

T? I'm in conference.

They call you Mrs. T?

I can see why.

You think you're such a big man, don't you, cowboy?

Well, I know what you've got in your hand, and it doesn't scare Foxy.

Call that a pair?

Do you want to see a pair?

I'll show you a pair.

I don't mind you shouting at me, but I never knew you were having a go at

Margarthy.

Look, it ain't personal, Trace.

Anyway, he should be used to it.

He did work experience for Golden Ramsay.

Mum. Mum. What is it?

Look, I think I know how Dorian paid for the champagne.

How? She's selling phone sets.

If you want to see what I've got, it's going to cost you a lot more than that.

Travis, go to your room.

What are you doing, you troller? Tracy, please. You're interrupting a sensitive

transaction. I bet it's sensitive, you filthy animal.

She's playing poker, Trace. What? I was just about to take those guys to the

thick end of two grand.

It'll be your fault if I can't pay my rent this month. Now, get out. I think

on a roll here.

Hold on.

If you're on such a roll, then how comes you can't afford to pay your bills?

Oh, you don't understand.

Oh, I do understand.

I was married to a compulsive gambler.

Yeah, well, I'm not compulsive. I can stop at any time. What are you doing?

Buying some more poker chips.

Is that one of their new titanium cards?

I've never seen one of those.

Hardly surprising.

May I?

Older Trace.

Done it.

Come on,

old girl.

She's like a wild cat.

What are you doing?

What's it look like?

How dare you?

But it doesn't matter anyway, because I've got online credit.

Not anymore.

Travis just froze your account.

What? How?

Told him he'd died.

I thought we were friends, Travis.

It's for your own good, dog.

Exactly. But we were saving you from myself.

It's called tough love. Yeah, well, now I'm 5 ,000 pounds out of pockets.

How much?

All right, 10 ,000.

Oh, my God. What am I going to do?

All right, just calm down, will you? All right, let me think, let me think.

Right, now, I know this is crazy, but just bear with me.

I think I know what you can do, Dore. What?

Get her job!

Come on, Dore, you ain't helping.

Yeah, well, this is very difficult for me.

I've never had to write a CV before.

If you're not even prepared to commit to a date of birth... All right.

May the 7th, 19... 19... 1919.

Well, that makes you 95. You're wearing well.

1958.

So you were seven when your daughter was born.

Does it really matter, Travis?

How's your CV going? Oh, a work of fiction.

Well, doesn't matter now. We found you the perfect job in the fashion industry.

They're looking for someone who's chic, intelligent, young.

Two out of three ain't bad.

We're eager.

Oh, actually, you've got some quite nice things in here. Of course.

We have a very exclusive clientele.

Ladies who can't bear to wear the same designer item twice.

Oh, quite.

Quite. Does anything catch your eye?

There was something in the window.

The Chanel handbag.

The Armani jerkin? No.

The job vacancy.

You'll need to speak to the owner.

Mrs. Fishman?

in the job?

Is she now?

Well, well, well.

Dorian Green.

How the mighty have fallen.

Elfin off Apollo 13.

What do you think it is?

I know what it isn't.

Clean.

It's still greasy, see?

That was your finger.

My hands are spotless.

Well, of course they are. You don't do any bloody work.

Do you want Elfin safety down here? Just wash it again.

Do you want a...

Engagement, eh?

That's a first written warning.

Cecily, what are you doing?

Scraping, Mrs T.

Scraping what?

That bin is for vegetable waste.

This bin is for meat waste. You're mixing them up, woman.

But chef made meat and vegetable pie.

What am I supposed to do?

like your poncy food.

Organic meat in wholemeal pastry is not exactly poncy. Around here, cutlery is

poncy.

So, a little less chatting and a bit more chopping.

Don't you ever go at my Garthy. Everyone can see he's overworked. Yeah, that's

right. If I had a sous chef to do the prep...

According to this, I have exactly the right amount of stuff.

Well, maybe your Jed Q.

Kowalski ain't afraid to get his hands dirty.

I'll do your prepping for you, love.

Oh, would you, Mum? I did time for you. This is chicken feed.

Excuse me?

I decide who does what in my kitchen.

Besides, you're not qualified to be a sous chef.

You're a plonker.

What did you call me?

is a technical term for a washer -upper.

Actually, it's plongeur.

All right.

You're a... a plongeur.

And a rubbish one at that.

You can't talk to my mum like that.

Oh, yes, I can.

It's my kitchen and your chef and she's a probationary plongeur on a warning.

And if you don't like... it, then you know what you can do.

Yes, he can sue you.

What do you know? You're from Romania.

Where I was a human rights lawyer.

Sue her?

Eh? Yes.

You have certain inalienable rights under the European Convention.

We could take this all the way.

I don't know if we've got time for all that.

with about that girl. See?

shows off the slimmer silhouette, madam.

It's perfect.

I'll take it.

You've a real flair for this work, haven't you, Dorian? Do you think so,

Melanie?

I'm so glad the fates have thrown us back together again. It gives us a

to reboot our relationship, so to speak.

Why did we ever become such bad friends?

You really don't remember?

I've led a very full life since school.

So you admit it was school.

I have a vague recollection. It's feared on my psyche.

The day we started at King Solomon Grammar.

You were the only girl I knew from primary school.

We were supposed to be bosom buddies.

We were.

Although you didn't actually have a bosom.

Unlike me.

Then why did you humiliate me in front of the whole class?

What? My father was not a wealthy man. He couldn't afford the uniform, the

hockey sticks, the tennis racket. It's coming back to me now.

So my mother bought me a slightly pre -owned blazer.

That's right.

Then Daddy altered it, and it was a perfect fit.

Except, except it buttoned up the wrong way because it was a second -hand boys'

blazer.

And who drew attention to the fact?

Who tore it off my back and showed all the other girls that the name tag said

Norman Quickster?

Dorian, what can I say? I was young.

I was insensitive.

Perhaps my breasts had gone to my head.

You can't imagine that I could do something like that to you today.

I suppose not.

Everything all right here?

Yes, officer. We were just reminiscing about our school days, weren't we,

Dorian?

Happiest days of your life.

We do have 300 hungry kids to feed.

And you know what they're like if they don't get their E -numbers.

So this is what I'm prepared to do.

I am rescinding all written warnings.

So now you're just on verbal warnings.

Except you, Trace.

You were already on a second written warning, so I can only reduce that to a

first written warning.

You're about as good at apologising as Vladimir Putin.

What do you want me to say?

I'm not cut out to be a manager.

Exactly!

That's all we wanted to hear.

So you're going to come back to work? On two conditions.

Number one, you hire another plonker.

Done. And number two, you bin that stupid book.

Must I?

What now?

That's organic recycling.

You're supposed to put it in the paper recycling.

First, it's a morning.

Come on, Una.

Everyone back.

As I always say, one woman's failed diet is another woman's designer bargain.

I'm quite enjoying this.

So how come I didn't know that you were in the second -hand schmutter game?

It's only been a year. I needed a hobby.

One can only take so many once -in -a -lifetime holidays.

That is so witty.

Oh, my goodness, it nearly slipped my mind.

While you were at lunch, someone brought in the most fabulous Zeffirini blazer.

It would be perfect on you. Stephanie?

Yeah. It's a little big.

It's hardly been worn. And it can always be taken in.

I don't think so. I don't do secondhand. You did once.

And if my eyes don't deceive me, this is a boys' blazer too.

Why is this so funny?

Because there was this impoverished girl at my father's school, and she turned

up one day in a secondhand boys' blazer, and it turned out it was his.

He was Norman Quistler.

A amusing coincidence.

That's coming out of your wages.

Work here.

I'd rather scrub floors.

Mmm.

Magnifique.

Everybody, everybody, I just wanted to say how happy I am that we were able

to air our little differences and to come to a compromise.

You conceded all our demands.

Which turned out very well, I'm sure you'll agree.

Especially as I've been able to find room in the budget for another plongeur.

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