Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

They're unloading the dishwasher.

Well, this calls for an uzzy.

An uzzy?

It's a plural of healthy.

Where are my nibbles?

You checked your bra?

The canopy is my book group.

I want tonight to be perfect.

It's going to be a full house.

Especially as you're going to be there, Sharon.

I don't even know if I'll come, Dore.

I mean, I ain't even read Crime and Punishment by Dusty... Dusty... Oh,

Dusty Springfield. I love her.

Dostoyevsky.

You, Sharon, are to make me shine in front of Melanie Fishman.

I need to be the alpha female. I need to overpower her. I need to be dominant.

Been a while, was it, Dore?

So when I say something particularly articulate, you nod sagely and you say,

make a very prescient point.

See, all I heard then was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you might try,

as if Dostoevsky himself just walked into the room and then add, Dorian, you

really are a consummate academic.

That'll knock the Hermes scarf right off her saggy neck.

And what's the net for me, doll?

Nibbles.

Right, Mum, we're off.

You're not going anywhere.

Off? Why?

Because you haven't given your mum a kiss.

I'm so lucky my boys get on. Now, if you go underage drinking with him, you'll

be in big trouble. But if you take him underage drinking, you'll be in even

bigger trouble.

Mum, we're just going for a kickabout.

We're going to see a band called Kickabout.

Do you want me to put my big rings on?

White Lion or Fox and Hounds?

White Lion's best on a Thursday, isn't it? Sweet.

She's got a nerve using this house for a public event.

She should be paying us.

You.

I wouldn't mind if she did. My budget's getting tighter than Dorian's face when

she bought them scrunchies.

I remember.

She looked like she'd been vacuum -packed.

Trace, have you ever thought about using that money that Daryl stashed in the

attic? What, the money them two violent psychopathic criminals asked him to look

after for them?

That's a brilliant idea, if we all want to die.

But it's just sitting there doing nothing.

Day after day, night after night.

Seems to work for you.

Lovely of you to join us, Melanie.

Thank you, Dorian. It's delightful to be here.

And he not.

Oi. Cheegwell.

Beautiful scarf, Melanie.

Oh. How kind of you to notice.

These days, only a trained eye can tell Hermes from Hackney Market.

Now, I'd like to thank you all for coming.

I'm sure some of you are surprised that a top -selling author such as myself can

make time for such a small gathering. But you know what they say.

Today, a sitting room... In Hainaut.

Tomorrow, the O2.

Tonight, we turn our attention to Russian classic Crime and Punishment by

Mikhailovich Dostoevsky.

We're real Russian canates and everything.

Don't they look lovely, Sal?

Compared to what?

If I saw one of those on the pavement, I'd shoot the dog.

What can one say of a man?

One Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov.

A man who has killed.

A man who knows no longer where his moral boundaries stand.

A man.

A young man.

A big man.

Sorry, I got a little bit lost there.

You make a very prescient point, Dor.

No, not yet, Sharon.

Look, I'm sorry, but this is all beyond me. This book's so thick and everyone's

got three names.

Can't we just get hammered and talk about Made in Chelsea instead?

No,

no, no.

No!

We're educated women.

We're discussing Russian literature whether you want to or not.

Now, what do we think of Raskolnikov?

Well, it looks a bit dodgy, but it tastes absolutely fabulous.

Sorry, I mean, you're a consumer academic, Dorian.

It seems this book really appeals to you, Dorian. Is it because crime and

punishment is an examination of a person pretending to be something they're not?

Someone with something to hide?

Perhaps. Like a saggy neck?

What? Where are you?

Oh, my God.

What is it, Trace? Travis has been arrested.

Well, there's irony.

Oh, Trace.

What's he done, allegedly? He's been selling hooky fags.

What? Kids, eh?

You take your eyes off them for one minute and they're stealing llamas and

drawing willies on pensioners.

Still, I suppose we were just the same.

What are you talking about? The worst thing we did was dress up in tube tops

beg a ride off Barry Farmer's moped because he'd give us love bites.

And not just on the neck.

Happy days.

You managed to get hold of Garfield? His phone switched off.

Travis said he pulled a redhead that works at McDonald's.

Well, he was scared of clowns.

I'm going to have to get him a solicitor. How am I going to afford

Why don't you use Daryl's money in the attic?

Could you be any lighter?

I don't think they heard you in Scotland, John.

You wait till I get you home.

Who put you up to this? It weren't your idea, I know that.

I can't say no.

But you always told me not to grasp. Stop telling your mum's not grasping.

if I tell you, you'll tell the police, won't you? You bet your life I will.

I can't say, Mum.

Mrs Stubbs, I'm Detective Sergeant... What now?

Haven't you done enough persecuting this young kid?

No, not yet.

I'm afraid we're going to have to search your residence.

Oh, my God.

The attic.

The cash.

The cash in the attic!

I didn't realise you lived in a blue light district, Dorian.

It's terribly common to curtain twitch, Melanie.

God, what am I living with?

Why did they search the attic?

Look, you'd better go and distract them.

How?

By doing the dance of the seven vents.

Don't worry, I'll defrost something when I get in. Yeah, bye now.

Oh, I was just about to pop a French bread pizza in the combi oven.

Interested?

It's got jalapenos.

No, thank you, madam. That might constitute a bribe. Oh.

They're very spicy.

Sadly, no.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Well, it's not impossible, seeing as both your husbands were crims.

Fair point.

Right.

What are you doing?

I'm doing the dance of the seven... Never mind.

Time to look upstairs.

Yes, go.

But who might you be?

Well, I might be the rightful heir to the Russian throne.

In point of fact, I am Dorian Green.

Also known as Foxy Cohen.

An alias?

You've been in trouble before, have you?

What's through there? Just my book group.

I'm an honest geezer, guv.

You searched in there, yeah?

We're having a meeting, guv.

Oh, get on with it.

I hope you are enjoying the little psychodrama I arranged as part of our

club tonight.

I'm sure you'll agree that it dramatises succinctly how the might of the police

can suddenly intrude into a law -abiding community without warning. So,

a big round of applause to the Woodford Green Cespian Society for their

convincing characterisations.

Lovely spot in Giles' finest.

Right. Well, we've drawn a blank here tonight.

Which makes you a very lucky young man.

You know where the door is. Hold on.

Travis here was arrested with a large quantity of dodgy cigs.

Word to the wise son. You let us know who gave them to you to sell. You could

get off with nothing more than a caution.

If not... Sarge.

Somebody interesting out in the garden.

Let Edgel come back.

Oh, my God.

Trabby.

I hope you understand this is now a very serious case.

I should probably re -arrest you tonight.

Oh, no.

But, as you're only 17, I'm going to give you 24 hours to make the right

decision.

You tell us who's behind this by tomorrow.

And I'll make sure you don't end up in a young offenders institution like your

dad. When you went out tonight, you promised me you wouldn't get in trouble.

No. No, I promised I wouldn't do any underage drinking. And I didn't.

Smell me.

I'll smell you, all right. I'll smell you up good.

That's very threatening.

You've been better off drinking, son.

Or better still, next time, get yourself a moped.

Find a bird with a tube top and give her a great big love bite somewhere she

won't forget.

You mind. Get in there.

You'd better tell us sooner or later if you ever want to sleep again.

Give him a break, Trace. He's just a kid.

And a good -looking one at that.

I think you're going to be very popular and choky.

You'd better make sure you swap that snack you're so fond of for a shank.

Cos you're going to need it where you're going, pretty boy.

What do those words even mean?

I don't know. I think I picked them up when I used to visit your dad.

Look, who put you up to this?

You all right, bruv?

Been better.

Some lowlife has got Travis flogging stolen fags. When I get older, I'll

their neck.

It was me.

You? And they weren't stolen. They were counterfeit.

when you nick a Picasso and flog it to a German.

So you stitched your little brother up? I didn't, Mum.

I wanted to help.

Wanted to help?

Dorian was right after all. I tried to bring him up proper, but it's too late.

It's in their blood.

I must say, Dorian, the Woodford Green Thespians were tremendously well

-resourced. Five squad cars and a black Mariah.

So,

context of tonight's excitement, what do we make of Raskolnikov's claim that his

crime was predetermined by a force outside himself?

Was it in his blood, so to speak?

It's got nothing to do with my blood. I did it so I could raise some money to

buy a burger van.

But those moody fags must have cost a bomb.

Where did you get the money from?

From God.

Tell me you touched that money in the attic.

I was investing it.

I thought I could pay it back. Oh, well, bang goes that cruise I had my eye on.

It was a buffet service and all.

I was going to have a prawn ring.

Finally.

Why did you have to involve your brother?

He's just a kid. I'm not.

You are.

Look, Travis will be all right, cos I'm going to take the rat mum.

So do we believe for Fori Petrovich, when he urges Raskolnikov to confess,

he says you receive a lighter sentence for doing so?

He's going to grass himself up.

Grassing up someone else is bad enough, but grassing up yourself, that's like...

I think the universe will implode.

It would be better if I say it was all my idea. Oh, that's stupid.

Mum's right.

But I'll probably get a suspended sentence.

But Garth could get prison time.

Not necessarily.

Yes, necessarily.

Travis, leave it.

What are you talking about?

The thing is, Mum, Garth's already got a criminal record.

What?

Sharon, get my big rings.

No, Mum, wait, wait!

Do we buy the plot device that Dostoevsky uses?

When Arkady Ivanovich Fedorogailov...

Happens to overhear the conversation between Raskolnikov and Sophia

Marmalado.

Was that just a little too convenient?

No more convenient than when you just happened to be backstage at that

gig and there just happened to be a tractor and a pig.

I knew you'd read my book.

I skimmed a copy.

Yeah, well, I bet it's really well -thumbed, Melanie Fishman, and I'm not

talking about the book.

That was the original song.

Everybody sit down immediately.

And miss the Woodford Green thespians at their peak.

Right. That's it, you sarcastic superior bitch.

Book group over forever. Get out.

What about next week?

Oh, you're very welcome to reconvene at my house. It's considerably larger and

I'm an owner -occupier, not a lodger.

Actually, I only came because I'm such a big fan.

I was hoping we might discuss 63.

I particularly love the bit where you go down on the submarine.

Yeah, this is not the right time.

I brought my own copy in the hope that you might sign it. To Gail.

Yes.

Very well.

I shall treasure it.

There we are.

To Gail. Get a life, you pathetic creature.

Oh, thank you.

Get out!

Give me one good reason why you decked that bloke, Garth.

It's what he said about you, Mum.

What did he say about me?

He said that the only reason Dad turned to crime in the first place was because

you were so demanding.

The cars, the holidays, the swimming pool.

Well, that's not true.

And he said you spent all day watching TV and eating chocolate biscuits.

He was probably talking about me, to be fair.

He said you was the reason our family was so screwed up, so I put him

Told him about how hard you worked and saved and worried about keeping our

family together. How you looked after me and Trav, made sure we wanted for

nothing.

And what did he say?

He laughed in my face.

So you hit him?

No, I hit him. You hit him?

He didn't seem to notice.

So then I hit him.

He noticed that.

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

If Garth got form, he'll do Ty.

That's why I've got to take the form. You can't. Well, Garth can't. I can.

You can't.

Who the hell's that?

Girls, you know I don't like to intrude.

Let's drop you.

Oi!

Shouldn't you be back at your book club? Yeah, I've thrown them all out,

pretentious posers.

Tracy, if there's anything I can do... Go and smack some bloke in the pub. I

know, I was listening.

But it was my fault he got caught.

Should have known a pub called The Helmet and Truncheon would be popular

the police.

You can't both confess.

I don't want both of my boys going inside.

Well, you're going to have to choose then, Mum.

Sounds like the plot of a Russian novel.

What one? I don't know, I've never read one.

choose which son goes to prison well it's a tough one trace on the one hand

there's travis clean record a level's coming up bright future ahead of him

handsome clean living and on the other hand there's god

tracy

before you say anything I just want you to know that whatever you decide, I'll

back you up. I will be there for you, for the boys, even for Sharon.

And my exhaustive understanding of classic literature means I think I know

decision that you must take.

Don't seem too bad in here.

Screws seem pretty friendly.

For screws.

I don't think they like being called that.

I'm sure they've been called worse.

So, how are you coping?

Honestly, Mum, I don't think I can stand it much longer.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, but I wake up in a cold sweat.

How can you wake up in a cold sweat if you can't sleep?

Shut up, shall we?

But don't worry, love.

Another couple of weeks and we'll all be back to normal.

I'm really sorry for putting you through this, Mum.

You don't have to keep saying that.

You're my son and I love you.

OK, stop spitting it over.

Back to the wing.

Love you, Mum.

It'll be OK, Travis.

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