All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s11e02 Theres Something About Sharon

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I...

mind you that 60 Shades of Green was a
worldwide bestseller.

Yes, I do think the Isle of Man
qualifies as worldwide.

So I think it's up to me to decide what
my second book should be about.

And... Oh.

Well, it seems it's not up to me.

Apparently, erotic memoirs are so five
minutes ago.

Write about what you know she said.

But you only know about sex precisely.

I need some wine.

Hello. Trying to concentrate here.

You're struggling, bruv. Yeah.

It's a psychology project.

You want me to have a look?

You're serious?

This one.

Describe a real -life situation that
might fuel the controversial debate.

Nature... What you're born with.

...versus nurture.

What you get from an upbringing and
education.

with specific emphasis on behavioural
diversity in a post -industrial society.

Mummy will make you a nice hot
chocolate.

You've been sacked again, haven't you?
That's your I've been sacked face.

Oh, how little you know me.

My sacked face is a study in resentment
and injustice.

Bloody anger.

My job is a war zone.

You're a school dinner lady.

That's what we are right now.

No luck today, then?

Oh, I was on fire.

Four interviews, four rejections.
Perfect score.

Well, you won't want my job, mate. I
work for a 19 -year -old who makes Kim

-un look like Simon Cowell.

Who?

Little bloke.

Stodgy haircut, big trousers, he runs
it.

I should have got that supervisor's job.
But who knew?

Keely's got an NVQ in hygiene.

Well, big deal.

All that means is she can put a hairnet
on straight and she knows how to spell

botulism.

Which, I admit, has come in handy.

But she hasn't got a clue how to run a
kitchen.

And you have.

Actually, if you designate different
areas for specific jobs,

you get a better workflow.

Plus, they'd save a fortune if they kept
Michelle on washing up so all her

dandruff didn't keep falling in the
custard.

That's not bad, you know.

We had something similar when I worked
in a two -star kitchen.

And his chef called danged rough truffle
shavings and charged a tenner for them.

Why don't you do one of them MVQs? I
ain't clever enough.

Well, this disgusting greasy bag
suggests otherwise.

Why do you tell people you're not
clever? Because the alternative means

she'd have to take responsibility for
her car crash of a life.

When was the last time you were dangled
upside down by your ankles?

Quite recently, actually.

Isn't this what your project's all
about, Trav?

Yeah. Yeah, you know what?

I should get you to do an IQ test,
aren't you, Shell?

Actually, I've got some in.

Well, why don't we all do it? I'll have
a quiz. I might turn out to be more

brighter than I thought.

I should warn you, I do excel at this
sort of thing.

If your head got any bigger, we could
use it as a warehouse.

I'm going to take mine.

To my thinking room.

In the sequence, one cake, two biscuits,
two cakes,

four biscuits, four cakes, eight
biscuits, what comes next?

That's easy.

Nice cup of tea to go with all them
biscuits.

This is so easy.

Oh, hi, Celine.

I hope you're not expecting an idea
already.

We've had one for you, darling. Had a
quick word with marketing and they say

books are going to be bang on trend this
year. But I don't know anything about

spying. Then you need to find someone
who does.

I'm an artist. You can't bully me.

No, but we can demand repayment of the
generous advance we gave you.

I'd like a moment to think about that.

I think a spy book would be great

fun.

I'm glad we're on the same page now.

Ciao. Ciao.

Moron.

She wouldn't know literary talent if it
blew up her skirt and bit her on the

backside.

I'm still here.

These results are really interesting.

One of you is virtually a genius.

Well, I did warn you.

It's not you, Dore.

It's only Sharon.

What?

Impossible.

You must have added them up wrong.

I checked it twice.

You got every question right.

You'd have well poodled.

You're in the top ten percent.

Is that in the nation or in this room?

What about me?

You're almost average.

Yes!

I can't really give you a mark, bruv.
Top colouring in, though.

So, I'm the fickie. Well, that just
about puts a big red bow on my day.

I can't believe it. Out of the two of
us, I always thought I was the clever

It seems you've been hiding your light
under a bushel, Sharon.

No, not really.

I mean, I've always been good at puzzles
and, you know, cracking codes, that

sort of thing.

Not that it's got me anywhere.

Excuse me.

What's got into her?

Oh, well, when a pensioner's got to go,
a pensioner's got to go.

Aunt Michelle, will you come to school
with me?

I think you're old enough to cross the
road on your own now, Travis.

No. I want you to meet my psychology
study group.

Yeah, OK.

But I should warn you, me and education
don't mix.

My last day of school, the headmaster
threw a brick at me.

Never did find out why.

It won't be like that this time.

I want to show you off.

Schools look so different nowadays.

We never had lockers. We had desks with
lids on.

If someone gave me the hump, I'd jam
their head in it and bring the lid down

couple of times.

Oh, happy days.

Hey, Travis.

Really looking forward to this.

You must be Travis's aunt. Thanks so
much for coming in.

My pleasure.

She's nice.

Lucy. Yeah, she's head girl. Really
clever.

Have you, uh... Mm -hmm.

No.

She's way out of my league, anyway.

Do you want to sit down?

OK. Not there. Really?

Oh, all right.

OK.

Morning, everyone.

This woman... who'll be known as Subject
A. A?

It's just so I don't reveal your real
name, aren't you, Cheryl?

Stupid boy.

As I was saying, this is Subject A.

If we assume the human mind begins as an
empty vessel that is gradually filled

as a result of education, then Subject
A's mind was left emptier than most.

Oh.

Interesting.

Denied any meaningful schooling, her
working life... has consisted of a

of low -paid, unfulfilling, menial jobs.

Yet recently, she has displayed very
high levels of intelligence.

So, does this mean that no matter how
good your genetic inheritance, the

inevitable result of a poor upbringing
is an empty, meaningless, wasted life?

He used me as a bloody lab rat!

I was humiliated in front of a crowd of
snotty -nosed kids.

I spoke to him and he said he's sorry.

He never meant to call you a useless,
underachieving loser.

The problem is, Tracey's right.

I've completely wasted my whole life.
Oh, that's good.

In a challenging personal development
sort of way.

But all I've got to show for the past 55
years is a wardrobe full of cheap

clothes.

A knackered mobile and a signed poster
of Donny Osmond.

It's my poster, actually.

I'm worse off than I thought. No, you're
not.

Your IQ test proves that you have the
potential.

And I want to help you fulfil it.

Why?

If I can help you become a more
developed individual, then maybe you

me to sit through another episode of
Geordie Shore.

Well, what can she do? I mean, she's too
old for a career.

Nonsense.

Gandhi didn't lead the struggle for
Indian independence until he was 61.

I myself did not become a best -selling
novelist until I was... ..in my

quite late 50s.

And Colonel Sanders didn't open his
first Kentucky Fried Chicken shop till

was 65.

Exactly. Come on, Sharon.

I want you to spread your deep -fried
wings.

In fact, I have been online and I have
found the perfect job for

you.

Do you have a high IQ?

Ticking all the boxes so far.

Are you interested in other people?

Well, no -one's more nosy than me.

Apart from you, of course.

Ever thought of being an intelligence
officer?

Intelligence officer?

What sort of job's that been?

It's an intelligence officer, Tracy.

But am I five?

I couldn't be a spy.

Or could I?

Let's run over the questions for
Sharon's mock interview.

MI5 ain't going to give her a job.

But they've asked to see her.

Spies have to blend in, be invisible.

If Sharon was in a room full of
exploding frogs, she'd still be the

thing in there.

These days, they want their operatives
to be ordinary and common, to infiltrate

hotbeds of working -class resentment,
like bingo parlours.

And eel shops.

Eel shops?

Well, I don't know, do I?

That's why I need someone on the inside,
feeding me the nitty -gritty.

You're just using her, aren't you?

Oh, you make it sound like a bad thing.

Sharon gets a new career and a feeling
of self -worth.

I get a bestseller and loads of cash.
It's win -win.

Sharon might not see it like that.
She'll never know.

I'm going to give my spy novel that
extra Foxy Cohen twist.

You mean filth? Yes.

And lock... of it.

To get Doctor No, this will be Doctor
Yes, Yes, Yes.

Oh, Miss Moneypenny.

If you're making tea, I'll have mine
shaken, not stirred.

I really need this practice.

I mean, the last ten years, I've only
had two interviews, and one of them was

under caution.

In the intelligence service, we value
teamwork.

Can you give me an example of where you
have worked as an effective member of a

team?

Yes, I can, actually.

When me and Fat Angela worked at World
of Queen's, we had this system for

nicking stops.

Oh!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

I should have said Fat Angela and her
eye.

Our operatives have to be observant. Are
you naturally observant? I am.

What colour lipstick's Dorian wearing?

Red. She always wears red. It goes with
her eyes.

Wrong. Today I'm wearing porno pink.

Oh, look, concentrate, Sharon. This is
important.

OK. How do you think you'd stand up to
torture?

I live with you, don't I?

Filling me with confidence, Sharon.

Well, what do you expect me to say?

Oh, yeah, I'll have a bit of torture.

Can't wait to get me thrupping these
wires up to the mains.

Have you got any questions, Miss Stubbs?

Yes, Miss Green, I do.

How would you tell a farmer his cow had
died?

married to her. I mean, what kind of
question is that?

Stupid. They like to ask you random
questions, see if you can answer them.

if you are on a mission, you have to be
prepared for the unexpected.

Are you prepared for the unexpected?

Depends what you mean. I mean, if it's
someone creeping up behind you, popping

balloon.

How did you know?

I saw your reflection in her glasses.

See? I am observant. I was born to this.

The name's Theodopolopoulos.

Sharon Theodopolopoulos.

You brought your mum?

No. I'd rather work with my son, please.

What's he done? Left his toys all over
the floor?

I put a jumper on, eh, love?

Mum, you really shouldn't be in here.

That makes two of us.

I came for a job, actually. What sort of
job?

A kitchen porter.

But it had already gone.

I used to work in Michelin star
kitchens. Now I can't even get a job

Everything that could go wrong has gone
wrong.

Marty's left me.

Restaurant's gone bust.

I've got an IQ of 17.

No, you'll get a new girlfriend.

Open another restaurant.

What be the point?

I'll take half the day.

About to screw it up.

You're nothing like your dad.

You've got a trade.

One that doesn't involve waving a
shotgun in a cashier's face.

Bloody good chef.

If you want to rob people, just charge
them £9 .50 for a starter.

If you want to get a job and get back on
your feet.

Oh, Sharon. She's working for a school
caterer. I thought she was going to be a

spy. Yeah, and I'm going to be a Lady
Gaga tribute act.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Your mum's making all the slightly drunk

businessmen feel uncomfortable.

She's got some friends.

I think that's part of the job
description.

Any news on Sharon's interview yet? Not
yet.

Garfield's making her a special dinner.

What are we having?

I'm doing a beef wellington, pon puree,
edamame beans and a roasted tamarind

squash. Ain't he clever?

And to celebrate Aunty Shower's new job,
I've made a fresh cream strawberry

cake. Well, what if she don't get it?

She'd still like it. It's cake.

You've got to be more optimistic, Tracy.
She will get it. She has to.

My literary career could depend on it. I
won't be in for dinner tonight, Mum.

It's a special one.

Your brother's doing fancy beans.

Sorry, busy.

No Lucy from school.

Her mum and dad are out tonight, so
she's asked me round with my textbooks

bottle of cider.

Go Trav.

You know what this means, bruv? Yes.

Studying with the head girl means I'm
guaranteed a star.

That boy is never going to have sex.

Good.

What happened?

Did you get it?

No. That's a I didn't get it face.

No. This is my I'm getting fed up with
you thinking I've got a face for

everything face.

They did offer me a job, actually.

Really? Yes.

Yes. Oh, thank you, God.

Congratulations,

Auntie Xiao.

Oh, cheers, Darfie.

Come on, then. Tell us all about it. I
want all the details.

Right, well, I walked into this room and
there were three people there sitting

behind a big desk and they started
asking me loads of questions and, oh,

about the dead car came up.

So I nailed that one.

Then after 20 minutes, they said,
Congratulations, Miss Theodopolopoulos.

You have exactly the skill set we
require.

And that's where they offered you the
job? Yeah.

As a bloody dinner lady.

I told them, I said, you can shove that
right up your dead leather box.

What? What?

What are you getting all upset about?

She was going to use you as inspiration
for her new book.

So all that talk about me fulfilling my
potential was a load of old cobblers.

It was all about you.

Self, self, self. As per usual. Yes.

And how naive was I to think that a
boneheaded, slow -witted troglodyte like

could just for once rise up out of the
repugnant primeval slime that you wallow

in.

achieved something worthwhile all right
job

I failed again I think there's something
we can both learn from this

I've got to learn to lower my sights

and you've got to learn to never ever

have a pop at me

When there's a cream cake on the table.