Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I...

That woman, she still treats us to a winter holiday.

Oh, Christmas in the Canary Islands.

I wonder if we'll see any.

Any what?

Canaries.

Well, they've got to have come from there. They wouldn't have called them

Canary Islands, would they? Not necessarily. I mean, the Virgin Islands

full of virgins.

Well, not since Dorian went there anyway.

Right. Just time to make myself a bacon salad before we leave. Do you fancy one?

I can't go.

We've got syrup of figs in the medicine cabinet.

No, I mean I can't get on the plane.

Not that old fear of flying, is it?

Look, just take a big squig of Dr Do's when we get on board, and by the time

wake up, you'll be surrounded by little yellow birds.

Mum, it's the middle of the night.

Oh, couldn't you sleep, Travis, love?

What, with all the racket you two are making?

You're worried about us going away, aren't you? I could still try and get

flight. You can have my room and I'll bunk in with Aunty Sharon.

I don't think so.

I might get lucky.

Mum, I'll be fine.

Look, I just feel so guilty about leaving my baby at home.

You've had a baby?

You're my baby.

Mum, I'm 17.

Well, what if you get all lonely and sad?

I'd be a lot sadder if I had to go on holiday with three old ladies.

That told you.

Oh, what do you think?

Fabulous doll.

You look like a young Kim Kardashian.

And what about this?

Too much?

A lot of people couldn't carry that off, but you do.

And these?

Stunning. Just so imaginative.

Oh, for God's sake, Sharon.

The holiday's paid for.

Just stop trying to be so nice. It's unnatural.

So what do you buy all this stuff for, then? Just to wind me up? Only costs a

few hundred.

Now that my book royalties are flowing again, it's a mere bag of tell.

It's a bag of summink.

That's better, Sharon. Much better.

I should have done a bigger shop.

What are my boys going to eat?

Not this bacon.

Who's that?

Carol Singer?

Cheers, Mum.

Garth. I should have guessed.

You've been out all night, Garthy.

Well, you know what they say. Early worm catches the bird.

Well, that's not exactly what they say.

I've brought one home with me. Is that all right, Mum?

Well, I won't know until I've seen her.

Where are you hiding her? In this box.

Why is she a contortionist?

Feast your eyes on... Ta

-da. Oh, my God, what is it? An ostrich?

No, it's a pigeon.

Don't be stupid.

A pigeon stuffed in a chicken, stuffed in a capon, stuffed in a goose, all

stuffed in a turkey.

You are joking. You mean you've never heard of a five -bird roast?

Oh, that's a taxi. Come on.

You might as well have this, girl. I'm just going to go and change. I'll only

an hour.

Cheers, doll.

You saved me bacon.

Brett and Doris bought enough luggage?

No, but it's a budget airline.

She's making sacrifices.

Where are the porters?

What are you doing? Just a little marketing.

That's put them up where they belong.

Banksy?

This way, they can't send them back to the publisher.

That lady's scribbling in the book.

Lovely.

Oh, and I'd better have some condoms. What sizes have you got? The bigger, the

better. Know what I mean?

Just kidding.

I'll have a dozen.

Might get lucky, eh?

Eat the change, love.

Feeling flush.

I'd pull the chain.

Have you got a bottle of Dr Do's, please?

Only I'm a really nervous flyer and someone told me that a couple of swigs

this would knock me out of the duration.

Sorry if I'm talking too much, but I'm a really nervous flyer.

I already said that, didn't I?

Sorry.

All right, Trace? Not really.

She's a really nervous flyer.

£10 .99 for some aftersun? We do this for a quid.

We do anything for a quid.

for all those book shoes you faced, didn't I?

I'm going to the executive lounge to take refuge from the riffraff.

Riffraff? Who died and made you queen?

Do I know you? I'm Sonia.

You tried sacking me from World of Quid for Nick and Picamix.

No hard feelings, eh?

Duke, we've got a car for a cocktail.

I just hope they're not on our flight.

surprise for Sharon.

Do you do gift wrapping?

My mum won't be back until the 30th.

I know, it's brilliant.

Mate, this Christmas I'll make the in -betweeners look like a sound of music.

No, it's just me and my brother.

His girlfriend's shoved off back to Australia.

Do you want a hand with them, right?

I'll call you back.

Sorry, mate.

I didn't see you there. What I said about Marcy... It's true.

She did shove off back to Australia.

You never said, you know, why?

Just homesick? So she said.

But I was never much cop at long -term relationships.

First few months were always brilliant.

Basically, you only get out of bed to order pizza, do you know what I mean?

Not really. Then you realise you've got nothing in common, it's that you don't

like anchovies.

What do you mean, not really?

I've just never had.

Anchovies.

No, it.

You have never had it.

Broth, this has got to change.

I'm going to make sure that my little brother has a Christmas to remember.

Chantelle, Garth, your little stud muffin.

you've got extra leg room.

It ain't like you've got extra legs.

Remind me how much you pay for your seat, Sharon.

Sorry, door.

Party, party, party!

Oh, we meet again, lovely lady.

Nice and cosy.

Who'd have thought when we were...

eye condoms together, eh?

Oh, she's stuck.

Would you mind wiggling your bottom, Tracy?

Do you want a fat lip?

You're sitting on my prongs.

Of course, the only reason we have to wear these is in the event of a crash.

It's easier to identify the corpses.

over the superb caviar canapes, which were the signature pre -dinner nibbles

air on a G -string, the world's sexiest airline.

Business or pleasure, he inquired, a naughty twinkle in his clear blue eyes.

Excuse me, would you mind not reading aloud?

Oh, no, I'm not reading, I'm writing. Well, actually, I'm dictating.

Maybe you've heard of my first book, Sixty Shades of Green.

Maybe your wife.

I'm not married.

Widow.

Divorce. Guy.

You're interrupting a private conversation, Sharon.

I know.

So, you now know what I do. How about you? I work for the airline.

Guy. This is Captain James Banner welcoming you aboard flight 8212 to

Unfortunately, our...

Oh, my God.

Please calm yourself. There's nothing to worry about.

How do you know?

I'm chief engineer for the airline. I can assure you these planes have an

exemplary safety record.

Is that quite often, then?

No, just once.

Whose side are you on?

I was in Australia, but now I am back. I'm buff and I'm...

Ready to party?

Be just like old times.

You, me and a bottle of tequila.

Oh.

When's it due?

Really? Well, congratulations.

You can call him Jesus.

Another one bites the dust, then.

Six loved up, five moved away and one sex change.

He was up for it, though.

It creases me up. Place the oxygen mask over your face and breathe normally.

It ought to say, place the mask over your face and scream hysterically as a

plane plummets from the sky.

How did that happen?

I don't usually fly budget, but there's nothing like real -life experience to

get the creative juices flowing.

For instance, it just occurred to me that Foxy, my alter ego, might join the

-foot high club.

Which? It's like the mile -high club, except you do it while the plane is

on the ground. What do you think?

I don't read a great deal of fiction.

Oh, that's not what I mean.

I always research my book thoroughly, because you can't beat the knack of

authenticity if you get my drift.

You mean... Don't say another word.

I'll go to the you -know -where.

Take a few seconds and then casually...

The flight's delay was not the result of some fictional sandstorm, but of the

very real sex storm raging in the first -class lavatory.

Toilet.

Bathroom.

Decide later.

As Foxy and Captain Jonathan wrestled each other's clothes off with wanton

abandon...

Hello?

Jonathan?

Jonathan?

Anybody? Anybody?

Hello?

Let me out!

What's up, Annie?

Hello! What's she doing in there? Hello!

Assuming the brace position, I expect.

I've never been so humiliated.

Not since... The last time you were humiliated?

Trollop. I beg your pardon?

Three across.

Victorian novelist, contemporary of Dickens.

Oh.

Tart. What?

Three, Dan, acid dessert.

How did you make that, Anne?

Well, a tart is a dessert, and an acid remark is tart.

Seven down.

What's left over after a coal mine closes?

Unemployed miners.

Flag. That's it.

Nothing to do now.

Can I borrow your Daniel steel trace?

It's in my case.

I'll get it. You wait there.

Hold on.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Bannister.

there today i'd like to apologize for the delay but i've just heard from air

traffic control that we have at last been cleared for takeoff so can you all

please return to your seats fasten your seat belts and switch all electronic

devices to flight mode that includes your korean love egg store in addition

can make sure your tray table is folded away your armor is down and your seat is

in an upright position senior captain members

Foxy enfolded him in her slim yet well -toned arms and whispered, something wet

and sticky just hit me in the face.

You need to work on your dialogue.

No, something wet and sticky really did just... Now it's on my hair.

Stewardess! Stewardess!

You again. What now? Up there.

Something's leaking.

The fuel line's fractured. I'm sure it's nothing, sir.

Is this anyone?

Anybody?

What's that smell?

Almonds. It's probably just sun oil.

I will investigate further, though. Don't lie to us! Everyone knows what the

smell of almonds means!

Plastic explosions!

It's...

What's happened to her? You've gone all little. Because that awful stewardess

made me abandon my favourite shoes.

Who cares about shoes? The plane can explode any second.

Oh, no.

I've got ten grand's worth of jewellery in me bag.

You ain't.

No, of course I ain't. But you sure don't know that, do you?

What are you doing?

Taking the suspect device away to destroy it, obviously.

That ain't a suspect device.

That's Sharon's Christmas. Christmas present.

What? You're giving her explosives.

Don't be stupid.

It's bath stuff.

So you've brought air traffic to a standstill over half of Europe?

Unbelievable. Oi!

It's your fault, not Tracy's.

We'd be on the beach by now if you hadn't reacted like an hysterical little

schoolboy.

I can assure you, you will never fly air today again.

And goodwill to all men.

Hang on a minute.

What

was

all that about? The cow was wearing my minolos.

All back to mine You

said

they were gonna be chicks bitch That's not here yet, right you keep saying that

bitch, but I'm sort of think you're just jiving with me

Why does he talk like that?

Where's he from, anyway?

Basildon, Newtown.

He's watched Breaking Bad 13 times.

15 times, bitch!

Your choice was between coming here and going carol -singing round my nan's rest

home.

I think I made the wrong decision.

I remember Christmas in the bad times.

when Lithuania suffered under the communist yoke.

There was no joy, no food, no drink, no internet.

This is worse.

What is wrong with you lot? We've give you free booze, unlimited tortilla

You promised us hot chicks.

No idea.

Father Christmas?

Mum?

Why aren't you in the Canaries?

Because I missed you two too much. Come here.

She hijacked the plane and flew it to Chigwell.

Good job we did come back when we did. This place looks like a bomb's hit it.

Don't you mention bombs to me.

Hello.

Who might you be?

This is my mate Jonas from Lithuania.

Oh, Lithuania.

Land of lakes and balalaikas.

Believe it or not, I am actually part Lithuanian on my grandmother's side.

I do believe it. I can see it in your eyes, in your coloring, in your hair.

That's not strictly her hair.

You are the image of my grandmother.

Well, we weren't exactly expecting you.

I could do the five -bird roast.

That'd take hours.

Not on a barbecue.

Nice one, bruv. You can't barbecue a whole turkey.

Mum, Garth did it last Christmas on Bondi Beach.

It's on YouTube.

3 ,000 likes. It is a piece of cake.

You fill the barbecue with oil, get it to boiling point, slide in the turkey,

ten minutes, job done.

Are you sure?

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