Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

I always have to get in the back.

Because it's fun watching you trying to get out the car without flashing your

bargain bucket.

You've got a patent door.

What for?

The trolley. I've never been charged for a trolley in Waitrose.

Because Waitrose customers don't throw their trolleys in the canal.

Is this all there is?

I've seen more selection in my hotel minibar.

Bree's not very right, is it? It will be by the time it gets to your age, doll.

Why don't you try and take your shades off? No, I don't.

If someone were to recognise me... No -one you know would be seen dead in a

place like this.

Exactly.

Oh, now I'm happy.

Toothpaste in the dairy cabinet. It's squeezy cheese.

Don't tell me you've never had the urge to squirt five inches of ripe cheddar

onto your tongue.

Not in public, no.

Oh! Oh, it's garlic.

Oh!

You can't do that!

I just did.

Hello?

Yes? This is she.

I did?

Well, no.

No, it's not a matter of money.

That's right, Dore. You play hard to get. Push your price up.

It's a daily mail.

It seems I mentioned in someone's frauded memoir.

Why not the price?

Yeah, no, I can't hear you. I'm shopping in Harrods Food Hall.

Yeah, I'll take it outside.

Don't forget, if you see any organic guinea fowl or lion -caught tuna...

know we're in the wrong shop.

You can put that back.

It's on offer.

We can't afford Malibu.

It ain't. It's Zara -boo.

What's the difference?

Five quid.

Oh, come on, Trace. It's X Factor tomorrow.

We can play emotional roulette.

You know, you have to down a shot every time someone bursts into tears.

No, we're on a budget.

Oh. We could waste 75 quid buying Travis a new pair of trainers.

He's my little boy.

And I'm your little sister.

Yes, well, his feet are still growing. Yours are beyond help.

Now, put it back.

Trace, don't.

It fell from the display.

Narrow. Missing my head.

You shall be hearing from my lawyers.

Want a hand, love? That's a joke in very dubious taste.

Aye. Arm, Trace, arm.

Just because I've had a stroke doesn't make me the object of mirth, you know.

Sadie, they're just trying to help.

Thanks. That would be lovely.

It's affected her personality, the stroke.

She was such a sunny little creature before. I'm not deaf, Annie.

And did you put these in here when I wasn't looking?

What's wrong?

I hate tortilla chips.

They remind me of Spain.

That's why I like them.

Did you used to go to Spain for your holidays then? We lived there.

Whereabouts? Tossa.

I was only asking.

Toss a demand.

Oh.

But it was nice to get back, wasn't it, Sadie? To take things easy.

Easy? And the council won't even blooming pay for a stairlift?

Oh, be fair, Sadie.

We live in a bungalow.

You didn't have to tell the council that.

I did.

It's my bungalow. Exactly.

Your bungalow. I know I'm only there under sufferance, but you don't have to

keep reminding me.

£53 .47, please. What?

In Spain, that'd be about 30 euros.

Don't mind her, dear.

Thank you, girls.

They're sisters, then.

I spotted that.

I don't think we'll be like that in 20 years' time.

Bickering and bitching. Oh, don't have to wait 20 years.

All I've got to do is try and buy myself a bottle of booze.

I want to give what you call my side of the story.

I've got a critical court case coming up. The last thing I need is my

trashed.

Very sad.

Very, very sad.

Tell me about it. She really hates her sister.

I wouldn't say hates.

More bitterly resents.

I mean, the nice sister's got her own house and car and everything.

And the twisted sister's got nothing to look forward to.

We're not going to end up like that, are we, Sharon?

Of course not.

What do you reckon, Dore?

Dore?

I wonder what the

papers will say about Dorian.

Probably that she's a clapped -out old sex maniac who shouldn't be let out

without a minder.

That's not news, though, is it?

All right? You're home early.

Well, there's nothing more they can teach me, is there?

Oh, look at you, cocky.

You were joking, weren't you?

Not really.

You'd better be.

Oh, good timing, Dor.

Now we've put all the shopping away.

We? I've just been speaking to my solicitor about that ghastly journalist.

And? He says I haven't got a leg to stand on.

Shut it.

If a national newspaper is determined... I don't mean to call me a man -eating

good -time girl.

Can't complain, because it's true.

Except the girl bit.

Oh, you two might find this amusing, but my entire future depends on the court

believing that I'm a serious novelist. But why are they writing about you at

all? No disrespect, Orby, you're not exactly A -list.

Oh, that, Travis, is a matter of opinion.

It isn't.

writing about me because last month Lord Shorthwell died while out fox hunting.

Serves him right.

And as he's dead, they're serialising his scandalous memoirs. What, and you're

mentioned? Oh, not just mentioned.

Featured.

So you were strumping a peer of the realm and you kept it to yourself?

But I didn't know.

Why, has it gone numb?

I didn't know he was a lord. He told me he was a car dealer called Clive.

Which at least partly explains his leather fetish.

So what did you actually get up to with this Lord Bangalot?

Suffice to say, he kept a tank full of snapping turtles.

Oh, chapter six.

Chapter six.

Hold on, though.

Look, if it all happened, they've got nothing to sue you about.

It can't be plagiarism.

Of course.

You're right.

Travis, you are brilliant.

I might just sack my lawyer and hire you. Oh, Travis, I could kiss you.

Can you tell the court, Mrs Green, how you happened upon the nom de plume of

Foxy Cohen?

It's a bit of a joke, really, you know.

It's what's called finding your porn star name.

I'm afraid I'm none the wiser.

Well, you have to combine the name of your first pet with your mother's maiden

name. Well, that would make me Fru Fru Cuddles the Third Ingram Jones QC.

Not. Terribly erotic.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I think we may be drifting away from the matter at hand.

Thank you, milady.

Sir Mrs. Green, having, so to speak, disguised yourself with a pen name, or,

should I say, pet name, you

then felt free to plagiarise a pre

-existing bestseller of his.

Fifty -six. No, no, let me explain.

I admit I mimicked the title, but of course titles are not copyright.

I do not need you to instruct me in a point of law.

Bit rude, innit?

Sorry, love.

You used the term experiences, but did you not simply steal your ideas from

other works of fiction?

No, no, these things happen to me all the time.

We do.

Sadly for you, though, Mrs Green, there doesn't seem to be anyone prepared to

corroborate your claim.

Except Lord Shoreswell.

Do you mean the late Lord Shoreswell?

I hardly imagine he'll be hurrying to the witness box.

No.

But his scandalous autobiography will soon be in the Daily Mail. And

I feature quite heavily on pages 35, 47 and 69.

And I think you'll find that his recollections and my confessions

perfectly.

So to speak.

I always knew that justice would prevail.

It's been a long, hard struggle and I would not have survived without the

support of my publisher, my legal team and two very loyal friends who took me

when I was virtually homeless.

Oh, that's nice.

to the Catinian Hotel to celebrate my triumph!

A

selfish

mare.

After all we've done for her, she leaves us on the pavement like a couple of bin

bags. I didn't want to go to no posh ponty party at the West End anyway.

I flippin' did.

Gabby! In here, Mum.

Oh, Garfield, what are you doing here?

Helping Travis cook dinner.

I thought it would be nice for you to come back to something up. Oi, that was

idea. Oh, that's lovely, isn't it, Shell?

Well, let's eat it before we make a judgement, eh?

So, how was the trial, then? She won.

Oh, a nice one. No, it's not.

What's the problem, then? The problem is that ungrateful cow buggered off to her

party without us.

It's a bit out of order, isn't it?

Tell me about it.

At least Dorian's out of your hair now.

Yeah, there is that.

Wait, can I have my own sweet back? Of course you can, love.

Hang on a minute, what about me? You can go back in the guest room.

Oh, so I'm a guest now, am I?

Don't start, Cheryl. I told you, you can stay here as long as you like.

Or until you decide to sell the house.

And why would I want to sell my house?

Mum, I promised Marcy I'd get back before the evening rush, so I'd better

yeah? No, you stay here, you. You need to hear this.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to sell the house.

If you want to help your boys get on the property ladder, no -one can afford a

house in London any more.

Unless you're a lottery winner or a Russian... Ollie...

What's name, thingy?

Garg. Yep.

No, mate.

Olly Garg.

Chelsea.

Chelsea who?

And where does that leave me, eh?

Homeless and potless.

Like that sad old biddy in the supermarket, moaning and feeling sorry

meself. Oh, you've had plenty of practice, that it?

And you can play at being the master. Cos you've had plenty of practice at

Oh, give it a rest, shall.

No -one can see the future.

You might meet a nice bloke, get a little place of your own.

Life's full of surprises.

Mine ain't.

Anyone order a Bentley?

Get your feet off the seat.

Oh, please, we're here. Oh, isn't it lovely?

Oh, my God.

He's opening the door for us.

Oh, cheers. Thank you very much.

I could get used to this.

You'll have to sleep with the chauffeur, then.

Of course, I never thought I'd make it back to Florida, but now... But isn't

Florida rather passe?

Yes, today it is Madagascar or nothing.

Those cute little lemurs are to die for.

I must have a lemur fur coat.

Although, of course, they are an endangered species.

Exactly. No time to lose.

Oi, oi!

Dorian!

Talking of endangered species, who let the dogs out?

Where did you get to?

Where did we get to? Where did you get to? You went off with your entourage.

In fact, so much as they've pissed me, aren't they?

Excuse me.

Oh, hang on, mate. Hang on, hang on. Thank you.

Cheers.

Serves you right.

Hang on, mate.

Someone's pushed the boat out.

My publisher's so relieved.

He's already talking about 90 Shades of Purple.

So you don't have any smutty stories left?

Oh. Haven't even scratched the surface.

So, who are all these people, then?

Right, now, that's my publisher, Julian.

That's his PA, Sasha.

That's my agent.

That's my hairdresser.

That's my agent's hairdresser. And that's not a clue.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I can take a moment. I just wanted to say how did...

How delighted.

We all are with the wonderful outcome today.

Before I hand over the door in to say a few words, we have a special surprise

for you from one of Foxy's multitude of celebrity admirers.

Hi there, love. I'm so pleased that you won your court case and I loved your

book. It's great to know there's still one woman our age who's getting it

regularly. I'm so sorry I can't be with you in person, Doreen, but

congratulations on your triumph today.

You really deserve it.

That was touching, wasn't it? Didn't even get her name right.

Any more bubbly?

Sorry, it's all gone.

Thank you, Julian.

That was lovely.

Oh, what an amazing day.

Now, Foxy Cohen would like to say a few words.

Before I began to embark on a career... No, wait.

Wait, I haven't finished.

I'll call you tomorrow, darling.

I'm on the meter.

That'll be done.

What just happened?

The boon's run out.

Swiftly followed by all your mates.

Run that. These are all our friends' cobblers. Buy us again.

Don't kick her when she's down, Trace.

That's my job.

Oh, my God.

I have never been so humiliated.

What about Chapter 19?

Not even then.

Come on, doll.

There's a virgin bottle of Zarabuto.

It's got your name on it.

Oh, this is the worst thing I've ever tasted.

Second worst thing I've ever tasted.

Well, it definitely smells of coconut.

So does my shampoo.

So you won't want to top up, then? Whatever gave you that idea?

You're going to miss all this intellectual banter when you're back on

celebrity merry -go -round.

She'll be off on some spa weekend with her new best friend, Lorraine Kelly.

She's not my best friend, but we are very close.

Then how come she didn't remember your name?

Well, I think maybe I'll winter in Miami, then next spring I'll look for an

apartment in London or Paris.

Although New York has its attractions, galleries, Broadway, the Hamptons.

New York blokes are well endowed then, are they?

I've brought your cases down. The taxi won't be a minute. Oh.

Thank you, Travis.

Where will you go then, Dor? Well, I haven't decided.

I think I'll Google in the taxi.

You'll go blind.

Here, Dor. You know you're all over YouTube.

Vertical or horizontal?

Why? Your victory speech outside the courtroom.

One of your fans must have uploaded it. Of course.

My lovely, lovely fans.

It was me, actually.

I thought it'd cheer you up.

It did.

Momentarily.

That'll be your taxi door.

Well, thank you for everything.

You've been wonderful, both of you.

Even you, Sharon.

Hope our paths cross again.

Well, that's not going to happen now, is it? Now that you're back on the A -list

and I'm back on benefit.

I'll put your bags in the taxi then, shall I?

I'll never forget you or what you did for me.

I never thought I'd say this, but I've grown to envy you.

Your closeness, you know, loyalty, the meaning of family.

That's nice, isn't it, Trace?

Quite touching, really.

See you then, Dor.

That meter will be clocking up.

Hi.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, Dor?

Yes? Can you give Travis your key on your way out, love?

We would see you out, but Corrie's starting in a sec.

Where's the remote, Trace?

You had it last.

You're probably sitting on it.

No, I ain't.

I'd have noticed.

You never noticed when you sat on my hamster.

How long should we give her, then?

Five, four, three... I wonder who that...

can be.

I wonder.

Night show.

Night chase.

Night door. Night door. Good night, girls.

Sharon, there's a kebab in my bed.

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