Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

What tennis champion is also a mint?

Andy Tic Tac.

Andy Murray, of course.

What great composer... Tracy, will you shut up?

They're just getting to the bit where they find the body on the beach next to

the burning bone.

How do you know?

Because they always find the body on the beach in one of those creepy seaside

things like Broadcliffe or Southchurch or Western Supermare.

Tracy! Why do you always make me eat with chopsticks?

Because it makes you eat slower, so it lasts longer and you feel fuller. Yeah,

well, it ain't working for me. I'm still hungry.

Let's have one of your balls. Oh.

I'll get it. Leave it. You won't, though, will you? But I will, though.

It was loud enough before. You've got earwax or something.

I never thought of that.

started to vibrate.

We don't need to know what you get up to in your room.

I'm working on my sequel. I can't even hear to write.

What do you mean?

I always act out the most exciting passages before I commit them to paper.

You all right, Sharon?

I've been here 30 seconds. You haven't insulted me yet.

You'll have to speak up, Dora. I think I've got an ear infection.

Oh, good.

What? Nothing.

Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch.

I'm rather partial to his Sherlock.

You mean you can read the names that come up at the end?

They're tiny.

Ah, had laser eye surgery.

I now have the vision of a sparrowhawk. And the body of an oven -ready chicken.

You heard that, did you, Sharon?

I'm all right if I can see your lips.

Did it hurt?

Well, not compared to a tummy tuck or a buffet lift.

You've had your Harris wasted.

What is a Harris?

Which rhyme in slang?

Aristotle, bottle. Oh, got it. Bottle of rum, tum.

No, bottle and glass. Bottom.

So have you had it done?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Of course not.

These bad boys are the product of vigorous dieting, a sadistic personal

and good genes.

What, the ones we like for us?

You must have had something done, Dore.

I have never had to resort to cosmetic surgery.

Apart from a small tightening procedure.

South of the border.

Oh!

They must have used a flipping big spanner.

Well, I think it's all stupid.

Why can't people just grow old gracefully? Because some of us would

old disgracefully.

Well, I'd have the whole lot done if I had the money.

Belly, bum, boob. That's because you're shallow.

You want to watch it and the wind don't change, Tracey, and you're stuck like

that. Like what?

I don't look like that.

Do I? Well, your expression does tend to settle along somewhat disapproving

contours.

She means you've got a face like a slapped half.

Yeah, everyone says that, doesn't that?

But I haven't got a built -in censor, so freeing up your own.

Oh, really? What for?

To tune in the waterproof radio that comes free with every unit.

If you're so good, Tracey, then why are you offering the discount?

Well, my boss has put his back out playing golf, and I'm supporting a

six, seven if you can't, Dorian, and I'm desperate.

Well?

If I order 150 units, will you shut up?

Then it's a deal. I expect you've earned yourself a nice bit of commission

there. I suppose.

Then cheer up. Let's hear a smile.

I am cheerful.

Don't fool me.

Excuse me, Tracy.

Hello?

Boy, Grandad.

That ain't even plumbed in.

Oi! Get down!

What's the worst thing that can happen?

Sharon Osbourne.

I was really nervous at first, but it was easy in the end. Never knew I was so

good at sales.

Sal?

Sorry, Trace, I can't hear you over the toast.

You really ought to do something about your rearing.

I am.

I'm going to see the ear doctor later.

Well, you better get your bum into gear and all or you'll be late.

You all right, love?

She's not very angry.

I think I might have a tummy bug.

Have you been?

Been where?

Number two.

Mum!

Oh, shall.

He's all cold and clammy. That's your hand cream, you prune.

He ain't got a temperature. Put your tongue out there. Get off me.

I will if you tell me why you're skiving.

You're still not moping over that Rosie, are you? I mean, there'll be other

girls. Nothing to do with Rosie.

Well, what is it, then? You're not being bullied, are you?

I know it, shall. They're bullying him just because he did Latin.

They what?

They're not.

Well, then tell me what's wrong.

I've been suspended.

If you've been caught selling drugs, then can I have some, please?

This is serious.

If it's not drugs, it's not bullying. All right.

Mr Thomas saw me in the changing rooms.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, Travis.

If you prefer boys to girls... What?

I'm just saying there's nothing wrong with it.

In fact, it's compulsory if you want a chat show on Channel 4.

No, it's not that.

Mr. Thomas saw my tattoo and went into one.

Saw his what?

Tattoo? I heard that.

A tattoo of what?

Well, a rose, obviously.

Well, I hope it's not all over your bum like that Cheryl Coles.

Why did you do it?

Someone said that if I got Rosie's name tattooed over my heart, it would prove

that I love her and maybe she'd take me back.

What do you think?

Oh, my God. A bit pathetic, isn't it?

Just like a third nipple.

But it's sweet.

It is not sweet.

I'm really angry.

You don't look really angry.

I thought you had to be 18.

Someone lent me their ID.

What, the same someone who told you to have a tattoo?

Who was it? I'll kill her. I can't say, Mum.

Good boy, Travis.

We don't grass in this family, remember?

Dragged in.

Shut up, Sharon.

I haven't got time for your pathetic attempts at humour. I'm running late.

It's been documented as a size undercarriage, I... Actually, if you

Tracy, I have been volunteering at a night shelter.

You? It's research for my next book, Seventy Shades of Soho.

Although the fact that the resident social worker is a spitting image of

Depp does make it less of an ordeal.

Might now there be a Johnny involved.

mother, Tracy.

No, she's mine. She's given me enough time as usual. I'm entitled to. You'll

never guess what he's been and gone and done.

Been and gone and done.

Is that even English?

He's only been and gone and got himself suspended for getting a tattoo.

Oh, is that all?

For a moment I thought he'd robbed a bank.

Nice one, Dor. No, it's not nice. It's bloody horrible.

Shouldn't you be at work?

I've got a hospital appointment, haven't I? Oh, have you? I don't recall you

asking your store manager for permission.

That's because my store manager has been out all night being a trollop.

Pretty like you, Travis. Good luck, mate.

So, how long are you suspended for?

Just for today.

Well, at least they're not making you have it lasered off now. That is really

painful. I do know.

Um...

I've had a certain amount of body art in my time, although at the moment I have

just the one discreet little tattoo.

Somewhere only my closest friends will be able to see it.

Oh, yeah, and what does it say?

Open all hours.

Sorry, Cobbler, we're not open till next week.

Never mind that, Cobbler, Cobbler. Get your arse down here now.

Is something wrong, Mum?

I'll say. Your brother's only been and got himself suspended for getting a

tattoo, and it's all your fault.

Look at the state of you.

Are you all right, Mum? Your face looks well strange.

I'm trying to change the subject.

Look, you can't blame me if Travis wants to emulate his big brother's laid

-back, surf -a -dude style.

You're supposed to be a role model. He's only 17.

Someone must have lent him their ID.

I wouldn't do that.

Besides, most kids Travis's age have already got fake ID.

I had fake ID back in the 90s. How do you think I got into all them raves?

raves? The ones I went to when you thought I was camping with the Boy

All right, Tracy, what's wrong?

You OK?

Your face looks a bit strange.

You been done or something?

Nothing wrong with my face.

Yeah, that's how she normally looks.

Oh, my God, not you at all.

Is everyone in Australia completely covered in tattoos?

Yeah, we're all linked up down under, Mum.

You haven't got me this one for my birthday.

Stunning, isn't it?

Angel wings for an angel.

Oh, yeah. That's really brave.

Look, if you two want to desecrate your body, that's fine. But Travis is still a

baby. What? Travis hasn't got a tattoo?

Yep. And Mum thinks it was me who put him up to it. Look, it weren't me.

Scouts honour.

Hello. Oh, my God.

Not you two.

What have they been and gone and done to you?

Only face paint.

Oh, sorry.

Mum, what's wrong with Tracey's face?

That's sweet.

That's the cupboard, Trace.

Tell him he's in the other room.

Well, it won't go off, eh?

Eh? You've forgotten already?

Travis's tattoo.

Yes, it did slip my mind.

Maybe I've been preoccupied with the news of my devastating hearing loss.

Sorry, Cheryl, I forgot.

Yes, for deficits forever, Trace, a tattoo can be removed.

Painfully, though, and it'll leave a scar, my poor baby will be marked for

because I'm an irresponsible so -called adult.

I should have known.

It was you, weren't it? It weren't me. You know I hate tattoos.

Well, if you hate tattoos, what about Norman Parker, then?

Who? You sat behind him in the fourth year.

Oh, yeah, I remember him.

He smelt a wee.

I thought you fainted him.

No, I hated him. He smelt a wee.

Well, if you hated him, why did you get his name tattooed on your bum?

What?

backwards. Oh, my God!

How did they get there?

We were on a day trip to Ramsgate, 1976.

Yeah, I remember going to Ramsgate. We'd been to a disco at the pier. We were

dancing round our handbags as shawoddy -woddy. Next door was this tattoo

parlour. Denise Hobbs, you remember her?

Well, she dared you to go in. I don't remember any of that. That's because you

were blazzered on rum and black.

I just decided to mention that now.

Well, I assumed you knew what was on your bum.

So for 40 years, I've had some blokes that I hate on my back.

Story of your life.

Where were you all day, Sharon? I thought the average NHS doctor's

only lasted seven minutes. The appointment lasts seven minutes.

It's a waste.

for the appointment that lasts all bloody day.

Well, I really do sympathise, but I'll still have to dock your wages.

I didn't quite catch that.

You mean you really do have a hearing problem?

Excellent.

Excellent. There's a new government subsidy for companies who employ what

supposed to call the differently abled.

Oh, well, I'm glad I could be of assistance.

Here, we might be able to get a blue badge now. It's motor parking down that

high street.

find deafness so funny, eh?

You wouldn't take a mick out of someone if he was losing his sight.

And how comes every time I ask you and Travis to repeat something because I

ain't heard it, you go, oh, it don't matter. Well, it does matter, Tracy.

I'm going deaf and I hate it and that's not funny.

Sorry, Cheryl.

What did they actually say at the hospital?

Not a lot.

Are you sure they weren't just speaking quietly?

They said that I need hearing aid, OK?

Oh, Shell.

It's not fair, Trace.

I'm not even old.

Well, not old, old.

Look, it's not bad, Shell. I mean, them digital hearing aids now are near enough

invisible. And they cost a fortune.

I do believe we stopped the batteries.

Look at them. Look at them.

They look like earmuffs.

They look like Dr.

Dre.

They're the new Dr. Dre's?

Well, they're well nice.

Look, I won't be in for dinner tonight, Mum. I think you will, love.

No, I won't. I've got plans.

You've been suspended from school. It's not the same thing as a day's holiday.

But, Mum, look, it's crucial.

Rosie saw me getting tattooed and she thinks it's sick.

Yeah, so do I. No, Tracy, sick means good.

How do you know?

Trust me, it's what they say in the night shelter.

Although there, sick probably does mean sick.

Hold on, how did Rosie see it? On YouTube.

It's got 75 views so far.

My tattoo could go viral.

Well, if it does, I'm taking you straight up the doctors.

Cheers, Dor. You're right.

Hold on.

What were you right about?

I just gave Travis the benefit of my considerable experience in affairs of

heart. Now, excuse me, I've got to go. Hold on a minute.

Look, I just asked Doris... I wasn't talking to you. Look, all I said was,

because a girl says you no longer float her boat doesn't mean that you give up

on her.

There are ways of showing the depth of your feelings. Doris said... No, I

didn't. You indiscreet little... Don't you ever go at my son. So what did she

do? Take you up there and pretend to be your mum?

He's none more like.

I just felt sorry for him. You interfering old bat. You let some

dirty fingernails stick needles into my son.

Well, I hardly think you should mention needles, Tracy.

After all, is Botox so very different from a tattoo?

You've had Botox?

No, I haven't. Yes, you have.

Haven't you noticed?

Tracey has not been able to frown for about two days. Yes, I can.

No, you can't. It was the same with Melanie Fishman.

She's had enough fillers to resurface the M11.

I'm right, aren't I, Tracey?

You haven't, Trace.

Mum? Well, everyone kept going on about how miserable I looked.

You hypocrite.

You gave me an odd time and then you go get Botox. I'm sorry.

Well, you don't look sorry.

Well, I'm trying to.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure I can accept your apology.

Oh, too bad. Go to your room and I'll come and talk to you later.

That didn't work.

So how much did it actually cost for you to paralyse your boat?

Not a lot. Well, I think it's about 500 pounds in the suburb, and you can shovel

that in Harlesbury.

500 quid!

That could have got me the majestic cordless with miniature flesh -coloured

earpieces. You can't expect luxury on the National Health, Sharon. And you

always been a staunch Labour supporter.

You should be proud to wear whatever clumsy, outdated device they deem

for the underclass.

What did you say?

He said, that looks very nice.

Look, Sal, I've got 300 left out of my commission. I was going to use it for

Travis's West Ham season ticket, but the little tattooed sod can whistle for it.

I want you to have it.

No, I couldn't, Trace.

You worked hard for that commission. It wouldn't be fair.

It's not fair that you can't hear.

And I'm fed up having to repeat myself.

What if you're sure, Trace? I'm sure, Sal.

Thank you. I love you, Tracy. Love you, Cheryl.

Oh, I think I'm going to throw up.

Ah, turn that telly down, Tracy. It's deafening.

Have they fitted them already?

Yeah.

Ta -da!

They're practically invisible.

How much they cost?

Oh, don't you worry. Your money will more than cover it. Oh, lovely. I might

have some change in.

Yeah, yeah, of course. I'll sort it out later.

Ah! What's that?

What's what?

There's something brown and furry under the sofa. I think it moved.

Oh! It's just the poop ball I dropped last week.

I think I'm going to spend tonight at the shelter.

Just a little bit of fluff on it.

30 seconds in the microwave, that'll be as good as new.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Where's your tattoo gone?

Yeah, I was going to say, when I went to the hospital, they said if you're over

55, you can get free hearing aid, so I thought that I'd use the money that you

gave me to get rid of Norman Parker.

But you're not over 55.

I borrowed your ID.

You look nothing like me.

I told them I'd been ill.

Very ill.

Oh, that's just typical.

Whenever I think you can't sink any lower. You're greedy, selfish, immature.

Oh, take a chill pill, why don't you?

I think you owe that pork ball a big

thank you, Tracy.

Why? Because you do seem to be regaining full use of your facial expressions.

Oh, yeah.

You should ask that clinic for a refund.

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